Attack of the Killer Muffins!

by Dafaddah

The Meeting

Attack of the Killer Muffins

by

Dafaddah

Chapter two: The Meeting

Edited by two great dudes: Microshazm and TotallyNotaBrony
Closing image courtesy of TotallyNotaBrony

---

WorldGov had not eliminated war. Of course it hadn't. Why would it? All the major regional conglomerates used war. War was diplomacy by other means. War was good for business. It created markets. It caused imbalances that could be leveraged. It broke legal stalemates and allowed market forces to move the pieces on the economic chessboard. It granted the 'invisible hand' freedom to maneuver. Yes, war was freedom incarnate, just ask anyone in the military of the Western Alliance. Because of this they were actually quite experienced at war. They knew war intimately, war with human beings that is. Unfortunately for them, they were quite unprepared for war... with intelligent killer muffins.

"A history of the Killer Muffin War" - Dr. Dinky Hooves, chairpony of the dept. of Anthropology, Royal Canterlot College.

---

There were no more real cats and dogs, and only very rich two-pers could afford artificial pets, so most people made do with rats. This wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Since rats could be bred very quickly, there were already many official ‘breeds’ recognized by the RFA (Rat Fanciers of America). Short ones, tall ones, fluffy ones, ones with no fur (for the allergic), some with big snouts and some with pug noses, in all the color combination one could imagine. Rats made great pets. They were smart, kept clean, could consume anything a human could eat, and when circumstances required, were a great source of protein for those special occasions when WorldGov ration bars just weren’t considered festive enough.

The Killer Muffins found out very quickly that the rats were no better than their gargantuan masters. The first Rat/Muffin encounter left the muffin half consumed on the floor of an abandoned warehouse while the sated rat went to fetch her pups to come and feast on the remains of the sugary treat.

When the rat returned, she was pleased to see a whole pile of muffins instead of the crumbs she had expected. As she advanced, her hungry progeny sprinted eagerly ahead and dove into the pile of pastries. Their mother approached and stopped. She cocked her head sideways at the pile, wondering at the mewling sounds coming from within. Her heart thudded in sudden dread. The pile of muffins shook, and then a bunch of white objects projected from it, falling in a neat pile before her front paws. Looking down, her eyes and nose told her the ghastly truth: these objects were the bones of her little ratlets. As she turned in a panic to flee, the pile of muffins surged blindingly fast in a wave that overtook and covered her completely. There was a mewling sound. A moment later, the muffin tide surged away, leaving another tidy pile of bright white bones.

---

Dr. Evelyn Carr stared at the yellow “DO NOT CROSS” tape blocking access to most of the Conversion Bureau’s dining area and kitchen. There were also bright red BIO-HAZARD warning signs stuck to the tape at regular intervals, making it look more festive than foreboding. Several of the dining room tables were missing as well. She sighed. “The colonel and the WorldGov rep are supposed be here any minute now. Did you get the conference room ready, Rosy?” she asked her assistant. She turned and scanned the area behind her. As usual Rosy was not where anyone or anypony might be looking for her. And as usual, the Timmies were exactly where she didn’t want them to be. When life gives you two lemons, make twice as much lemonade! she thought. “Timmy!”

Four ears turned simultaneously towards Evelyn, identical grins of anticipation on the Timmies' faces. “What can we do for you, Dr. Carr?” they replied enthusiastically in unison. This was perhaps a chance to score some points with the boss, since last week’s muffin plan hadn't paid off, and they were no closer to getting assigned to do Story Time.

“Please go check that the large conference room is ready for our guests,” said Evelyn.

One Timmy galloped off, the other stayed, smiling widely at his boss. The smile died a moment later and his eyes opened wide. “Uh, boss, it looks like there’s been a flood in the large conference room. Also, some of the dining room tables are on top of the conference room table and there’s soap everywhere.”

Evelyn’s heart sank. It’s going be to another one of those days. She took a deep breath and called out in her loudest management voice. “ROSY! CO...”

“... Yes Dr. Carr?” said Rosy in her ear, making her boss start.

Evelyn took out a small cosmetic mirror from her pocket and examined her reflection a moment. “Rosy,” she said calmly, “Why isn’t the large conference room ready for the meeting?”

“Oh, because it was the only place big enough to wash the dining room tables,” replied the mare, smiling and tilting her head to one side as if this should have been obvious.

“But the small conference room is ready. I even put out a bowl of mints and ice-water for everypony.”

“Oh... good.” was the only politically correct reply Evelyn could think of. “Rosy, I need to go brush my hair. Could you please go get Vladdy and the two Blackmesh guards, and bring them to the conference room?”

“Yes Dr. Carr,” replied her assistant.

The Timmy who had gone to the big conference room returned just as Dr. Carr and Rosy left. They looked at each other with a smirk. Opportunity was knocking!

---

The big problem with the small conference room was that it really deserved its name. This would not have been an issue if there had been an appropriately sized table to put in it. Unfortunately, when tables had been purchased for the Conversion Bureau, they had selected a rather large ‘eight seater’ model as most tables would be used for the dining area. These same tables were used for the conference rooms as well. This worked out well for the larger room, but the table, while it fit in the small conference room, left very little space for chairs around its perimeter. It made for rather cramped and awkward seating.

Corporal Bonnet and Private Sarducci were already seated with Rosy and Vladdy in the small conference room when Dr. Carr arrived with her guests. The two Blackmesh guards leaped to attention. In the process they banged the backs of their chairs against the wall behind them and also pushed the table several inches towards the opposite wall, pining the empty chairs in the process and spilling some of the ice water in the glass tumblers placed in front of every chair.

Evelyn smiled her best management smile and said: “I would like to introduce my chef Vladdy Puddin, my assistant Rosy Rivet, Corporal Bonnet and Private Sarducci of our Blackmesh guard contingent.” The guards saluted. “Our guests are Colonel Raymond Moutarde of the Western Alliance military division and head of civil defense for the Arizona territory, and Miss Elspeth Scarlett, corporate liaison for public security.” The colonel saluted back, but the Blackmesh guards remained standing. “You might want to sit down, guardsmen,” suggested Evelyn politely.

“Ma’am, we can’t,” said the corporal, who was the larger of the Blackmesh covered guards.

“Is there a problem with your chairs?” she asked, trying to keep smiling.

“We can’t sit until the colonel does, ma’am,” said Bonnet.

“But Sissy, there’s no room for our guests to enter until you sit down and we move the table back.” She smiled sheepishly at her guests.

“Guardsmen, I commend your dedication to decorum, but I order you to sit. Now!” said the colonel.

Bonnet and Sarducci saluted and complied. They helped Evelyn push the table back. More water spilled from the glasses, forming puddles at their bases. The colonel and Miss Scarlett each took a place in turn, leaving only Evelyn standing in the open doorway with no place to sit. “Uh,” she said to her guests, embarrassed, “perhaps you could move down a bit further.”

It took a minute as first the colonel then Miss Scarlett stood and moved down one place, in the process spilling more ice water and this time even a few mints. Rosy leaned over the table, levitating the guest’s tumblers one a time and sopping up the water from the table using the fur of her forelegs, she then floated the wayward mints back into the bowl. Finally everyone was in place. Miss Scarlett took out a small notebook and pen from her purse.

“The colonel and Miss Scarlett are here to discuss the current status of the ‘escapees’ and see if we have any further information that could help,” said Evelyn, “so please answer their questions as candidly and completely as possible.” She nodded to the colonel.

“Thank you, Dr. Carr.” He looked penetratingly at the assembled Conversion Bureau staff. “Last Tuesday this bureau reported an attack by small creatures superficially resembling cupcakes...”

“...they were muffins!” interrupted Vladdy, Rosy and Evelyn simultaneously.

One of the colonel’s eyebrows raised. “Well, muffins, then. Yes, well when our dispatch received the call it took some time to put together an appropriate response team.”

“Sir, it took three hours, sir!” interjected a flustered Private Sarducci. Bonnet kicked him under the table.

Moutarde's expression darkened a bit. “As I was saying, when response team got here there were no signs of any of the... muffins. As the bureau’s management was able to corroborate the story there was no reprimand given the guardsmen. It wasn’t taken seriously until the rat population began dwindling and piles of rat bones were discovered, and then reports started coming in of sightings of cup... I mean muffin shaped creatures running around in the less populated parts of town. And then a security camera in an abandoned bakery recorded this video.” He pressed a touch pad on his sleeve and a vid-window appeared floating a few inches above his arm. Small round shapes could be seen moving in the semi-darkness, dragging in bags and working at containers and a large oven.

“This showed conclusively that the muffin creatures exist and that they were up to doing some baking of their own. Then we saw this part.”

Several muffins were using a mixer on the ingredients of a large bowl. At one point, one of the muffins jumped in and was shredded into the mixture. The batter produced was then placed into muffin tins and the tins placed into the oven. The time indicator in the lower right hand corner jumped some twenty minutes. Several muffins worked together to open the oven door, after which several dozen muffins walked out of the oven in single file. The last one dragged out the muffin tin. It was refilled and placed back into the oven. The video window faded out of existence.

“She-it! Sissy, you were right! They are reproducing!” exclaimed Sarducci. Bonnet froze still. The colonel threw the private a dirty look and continued.

“Our experts examined this video and concluded that the muffins are able to communicate somehow and work in coordinated teams. Because they were able to affect Blackmesh armor and of how they reproduce themselves, the main hypothesis is that they are some form of malfunctioning nanotech. Given their first being reported from this bureau, the assumption is that this resulted from a... misapplication... of conversion potion.” The look he gave Evelyn was very dark indeed.

“Well. Thank you for that excellent update, Colonel,” she tried to maintain her management face. “Would you like a mint?” She tilted the bowl towards him. Miss Scarlett wrote some notes in her notebook.

“We’d like to know, were there any irregularities in your use of potion over the last weeks or months, Dr. Carr? And if so, why weren’t these reported?”

The temperature in the room seemed to drop several degrees.

“Eh, no, not to my knowledge. But Colonel, I’m sure you’re aware that Conversion Bureaus are legally considered embassies of the government of Equestria, and that we are not required to report our activities to local WorldGov officials. We arranged this meeting voluntarily so you could question our staff and we can all work together to keep this contained. Right Colonel?”

Miss Scarlett wrote some more in her notebook.

“Now, Vladdy, did you notice anything strange when you made that batch of muffins on Tuesday?” asked Evelyn to get the meeting back on track.

The chef started as she had been quite happy at being ignored in the meeting so far. “Did you see what those muffins did? I mean... oh, eh, no. The only thing that was different was that the bananas were a bit more ripe than usual. You can ask the Timmies, they came to visit me just as I was mixing that batch.”

Evelyn got a sick feeling to the pit of her stomach. The Timmies were the result of a potion accident themselves. The coincidence was just too much to believe. But she didn’t dare say anything until she investigated herself. She carefully lifted her glass of ice water and sipped. Then she took a mint from the bowl. Scarlett looked sideways at her and scribbled in her notebook. “Corporal, Private, do you have anything to add?” queried Evelyn.

“No ma’am,” they replied in passable imitation of the Timmies.

“Well then, Colonel what are you doing about the muffins now?” she asked.

“We’re having squads of guardsmen sweep all the marginal places of the city in order to locate and isolate the muffin populations. We don’t have authorization to do more just yet. Killing rats is not considered a major crime in the Western Association. Well, then, that’s all we have to report." He paused a moment. "Although I do want to take a moment to commend Sissy... I mean Corporal Bonnet, for keeping a cool head during the incident. Who knows what these cupcakes would have done if he hadn't been there to limit their initial attempts at procreation. I thank you all for your time. I trust if anything else comes to mind you will contact me immediately.” It didn’t sound like a request. He stood, making his chair bang against the wall and pushing the table into the two guardsmen, trapping them in their seats. Since most of the glasses had somewhat less water in them now then at the start of the meeting there was no added spillage. Not having any room to move, he looked at Miss Scarlett pointedly. She looked back at him in annoyance, and started putting her notebook away.

“Just a moment, Colonel. Before we adjourn, I have been instructed to relay a message to you from the Equestrian government. We would like to assist you in any way we can. It is towards this objective that we have invited a special guest to join us today. She wasn’t here when the incident happened but we think she can be of assistance.”

The colonel sighed and sat back down and pulled the table slightly towards himself. The Blackmesh guards resumed breathing.

Evelyn opened the door behind her and frowned. There was no way for her new guest to get from the door to her seat without crawling over someone. The light grey pegasus resolved the situation herself by flying over the table to land daintily into her seat, knocking over both her own and Evelyn’s glasses of ice-water on the way.

“Colonel, Miss Scarlett,” said Evelyn, wiping ice cold water from her lap, “I present to you Derpy Hooves, the Muffin slayer.”

Comments

[Arcanix_Firemane]

attack!!

of the killer tomatoes Muffins!!

[Midnightshadow]

Oh great. I haven't even read it and now I'm going to have the damned themetune playing in my head all day...

[Dafaddah]

1526264

It plays in mine whenever I go into a small conference room...

[Lordmiak]

Colonel Moutarde, with a muffin, in the small conference room ?