Rationale’s Resurgence (or In Which We Witness the Return of the Pie)

by LordBarcha

Mission 1: Vampires

A/N: I wouldn’t be putting anything in front of this, but it is important to understand the nature of this story. This is basically a story about stories, meta though that is. It really consists of my cast trying to tweak stories.

This first chapter also assumes that you have read a particular fanfiction that I’m about to shamelessly make fun of. I do my best to make it clear without making it required reading, but if you get confused, you can find it here:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/36388/My-Roommate-is-a-Vampire

The events in this chapter happen roughly from chapters 7 to 11, so that’s all you would really need.

Also, I couldn't get the formatting to fit quite right on this, so here is a link to the google doc I wrote it in.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HUQYFoGbVU8hTD55zNgBw_a5xO_Wwj6ZBG3N2XaNy9s/edit

Anything that didn't translate over terribly well is described in parentheses.

---

Pinkie stepped out of the blue box onto the perfectly flat white floor. At the center of the room, a group of ten figures stood around an empty throne as white as the floor surrounding it. Only the trim of their white robes allowed them to be distinguished from the monochromic landscape.

“You may approach”

“Why did you call me here?” Pinkie demanded rudely.

An immediate chorus responded in various forms of shock and fear.

“It is inadvisable to raise your voice in the court of our Lord White.”

“Please, Spare her! She didn’t mean it!” one cried, falling to his knees before the empty throne.

“How dare you! Are you asking for a fight?”

“About time somebody broke up this stuffy atmosphere.”

"Silence.” (white, highlighted black)

The group stopped dead.

the color gradually returned to Pinkie’s face. “W-w-what was that?”

“My apologies. That was reminder from our lord to retain formality and proper decorum.”

“Who would that be, then?”

“He stands before you.”

“I am White.” (white, highlighted black)

A collective shudder went through the gathering.

“You were called here to hear about a job proposal. We think you will be eager to get started.”

“Yeah, Red here insisted that we give you a chance. For the record, I voted for your immediate deletion by our Lord White.”

“OK then, how can I help the mass-murderers who destroyed my entire universe?”

“Oh! Oh! Can I tell her?”

“I am the spokesman for this group. I will tell her.”

“I think that was sarcasm, Red.”

“Universe B341, Branch 21 is being tainted. In roughly three days, it will reach the point of singularity. We intend to annul it before it reaches that point. Your job is to prevent this annihilation.”

A folder appeared in the air before Pinkie.

“This is the future of that timeline. If you can negate the singularity and return the universe to the proper path, there will be no reason to destroy it.”

“So you mean to say that you don’t like destroying universes?”

“Who would enjoy this? I hate sickos like that!”

“I enjoy it.”

“You scare us on a regular basis, Green.”

“I find it to be wasteful in the extreme.”

Pinkie, for once, looked speechless. “So you’re just going to hand me the tools I need to stop you and let me walk away?”

“That is correct. We hope that you succeed. We do have certain information to report to you that we believe may be helpful. I believe that Violet would enjoy giving this report as he is the one who dug through our records to find the information.”

“So I was digging through the really old records and I found some details on an organization of characters like yourself who once tried to repair damaged universes. The account describes a rejection of foreign characters. Native characters in the area, upon finding out the nature of the foreigners, became immediately hostile and violent. In addition, once in place, they found themselves beset by both terrible luck and meddlings by the author of the damaged universe. My predecessor notes that White himself was directly involved. This implies that the operation spiraled out of control. Something monstrous was born that day.”

“A reality bomb was insufficient.” (white, highlighted black)

“The remainder of the files were severely damaged and impossible to read. I hope that it proves beneficial.”

“Long story short, if we try to fix things, there is high probability that everything is going to try and kill us.” Pinkie summarized.

“The point of no return occurs when Octavia is attacked. If and when that happens, we will detonate the reality bomb immediately. For what it is worth, I wish you luck. You will need it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three sullen faces greeted Pinkie as she entered the TARDIS.

“How did the meeting go, Pinkie?” Doctor Whooves asked.

“They weren’t nearly as evil as you would think.” Pinkie replied.

“What gave you that impression?” Vinyl questioned.

Pinkie brandished the file. “They gave me all the tools I need to stop them from destroying a universe.”

“But can we really trust them?” Lyra demanded.

“Examine the situation, Lyra,” Doctor Whooves answered flatly, “They have the power and resources to destroy entire universes. If they wanted us dead, we would be long gone. They have no reason to lie to us.”

“Then let’s get started!” Vinyl shouted, sitting down in front of a massive pair of speakers.”

“No, Vinyl!” Doctor Whooves cried, “Don’t break down dimensional walls inside the TARDIS!”

“Awww. You’re always ruining my fun.” Vinyl complained. She put on her best pleading face, “Please?”

“No! Bad Vinyl! Go sit in the corner!”

“Pretty please?”

“Everyone! Look what I found!” Pinkie shouted from on top of a large and complicated device, “It’s a dimension gate!”

“When and how di-” Lyra started to ask, but Pinkie quickly cut her off.

“Never ask about the plot holes.”

“So what is the plan, Pinkie?” The Doctor asked.

“Basically, this universe is one where Vinyl is a vampire and is romantically involved with Octavia. ”

“WHAT!” Vinyl interrupted, “I mean, I respect Octavia as a musician, but romance? What kind of logic is this other me using?”

“That’s not what matters right now,” Lyra interrupted, “Let Pinkie finish.”

“Not important!” shrieked an increasingly hysterical Vinyl, “Other me is ruining my good name! I’ll never be able to show myself in public again!” The sobbing pony curled up under a nearby console.

“Anyway, there eventually comes a scene where Octavia gets attacked by a werewolf. That’s when things go downhill. Two entire organizations are pulled almost literally out of nowhere. Things kind of escalate far beyond the realm of possibility. According to Red, it is essential that we stop this event from happening.”

“One quick question, Pinkie.” Lyra stated flatly, “When did you start being serious?”

“When the universe died. Now get Vinyl out from under that console, and lets get started.”

With a deep hum, the machine started up.

“Wait just one minute!” The Doctor protested, “Where is the wall of glowy energy? Ther is ALWAYS a wall of glowy energy in any kind of portaaaaaAAHHH.” His complaints receded into incoherence as Lyra seized his ear with a mechanical hand.

“It doesn’t matter! Now get in!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Hey Red.”

“Yes?”

“How high do you really think their chances of making any difference are?”

“This is just between us.”

“You know how trustworthy I am, despite my few guilty pleasures.”

“That’s you all right, honest to a fault, yet so sadistic.”

“Is that a bit of humanity slipping through, Red? I’d almost think you had a soft spot for vicious monsters like me.”

“Oh alright! You win! I calculated a 75% chance of failure, a 24% chance of catastrophic, reality warping failure, and a 1% chance of complete multiversal meltdown! Are you happy now?”

“No.”

“Well too bad. I have nothing more to say to you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The group appeared with a pop outside a fancy restaurant in central Canterlot.

“Alright ponies,” Lyra whispered, glancing at the sheet of paper in front of her, “According to this, the two should arrive shortly. Basically, the future at this point is this: Vinyl and Octavia go to dinner with Octavia’s parents. Vinyl neglects to drink her blood before coming and almost goes berserk. Octavia rushes after her in order to calm her down. The mother walks in on the two making out. The mother is then knocked out by Vinyl. The plan is simple, expose Vinyl as a vampire in front of Octavia’s parents. Step two is to sit back and watch the carnage.”

She glanced around. The Doctor already had a massive mechanical thing half built in a corner. Pinkie was bouncing through the restaurant like nobody’s business, and Vinyl was staring down Vinyl in the middle of the floor.

“W-who are you?” stammered a stunned Vinyl from her seat beside Ocvavia.

“I’m you, obviously! What do you think you’re doing?”

However, further conversation was interrupted by a massive, humanoid machine breaking through a wall. The thing was composed almost entirely of cardboard, and had “Gundam” scrawled across it in black marker.

“Octavia!,” shouted her mother, “what is the meaning of this?”

“Die foul spawn!” The Doctor shouted from inside the cardboard box. It swung a massive arm toward the vampire, only to have it deflected. Instead, it smashed into the other Vinyl, who was sent flying out of the restaurant.”

“How do you know that I’m a vampire?” Vinyl demanded, ripping the arm off entirely.

“I read the script,” The Doctor answered sheepishly.

He leapt out of the machine as it exploded spectacularly, sending burning cardboard everywhere.

“My Gundam!” The Doctor wailed, “I spent five minutes building that. How could you just destroy it?”

Vinyl stared around the room, to be met with a hundred pairs of accusing eyes. Whispers filled the sudden silence.

“A vampire?”

“That strength is inequine. That machine broke through a brick wall like paper. No pony could have destroyed it like that.”

The crowd closing on Vinyl didn’t even notice as Lyra seized a protesting Doctor by the ear and dragged him out of the room.

“This was supposed to be a subtle operation.”

“Hey! It worked, didn’t it?”

Pinkie bounced up to the pair. “I just finished setting up the trap! It should record them talking inside the bathroom and play it through the speakers in the restaurant!”

Lyra just stared at her, then collapsed, moaning, “What is wrong with all of you? I tell you the plan, but you fail to complete it the way I said. Then you get the same result without trying. And now I learn that the plan was SET UP ALL ALONG!” She let out a screech of anguish, then collapsed to the ground.

“Doctor! You get Vinyl! I’m going to take Lyra back!” Pinkie shouted, dragging Lyra back through the gate. Stepping onto the smooth metal floor of the TARDIS. she paused, then took another step. Her hooves made no sound. The entire atmosphere felt stiff and unmoving. Then she noticed the blank spot. A humanoid figure stood in the center of the room, perfectly still.

“You have made progress, but it is insufficient. Use this when all else fails.”

The figure vanished, leaving behind a small white cube. Pinkie shuddered at the sound of White’s voice. She quickly scooped up the cube and hid it in her mane, just in time to avoid the returning Doctor seeing it.

“I’ll go report what happened,” Pinkie announced, then exited the TARDIS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Four cloaked figures stood around the empty throne.

“We have expected you,” Red stated flatly, “How is your progress?”

“We managed to put the vampire in a situation that she will be unable to escape for at least a month.”

“And how did you do that?”

“She admitted that she was a vampire in front of an entire restaurant full of high class ponies.”

“You heard her, Blue. When can I expect to receive my fiver?”

“You must have cheated! There’s no way you could have predicted that!”

“That’s enough out of you two. You should continue monitoring the situation. This has never happened before, so we have no idea if it has been successful yet.”

“I’ll be off then,” Pinkie stated, before reentering the TARDIS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Pinkie!” Lyra shouted at the returning pony, “I have really bad news!”

“What would that be?” Pinkie asked.

“Do you remember the thing we were trying to prevent? Vinyl and Octavia go into the Everfree Forest on Halloween and Octavia gets bitten while there.”

“Yes. What about it?”

“Vinyl went into hiding after the incident we caused, but she surfaced long enough to leave a note. It tells Octavia to meet her at midnight tonight in the Everfree Forest.”

“Let me guess, it’s Halloween.”

“Nailed it. You stay here and work out a plan, while I go and do some surveillance.”

“Alright guys, lets plan!” Pinkie chirped, bouncing over to the other two. Behind her, Lyra’s mechanical hands quietly picked up a shotgun, and she stepped through the gate.

“Wait, Pinkie. If it’s so important that we plan, you might want to turn off the temporal accelerator. You know, the thing that makes an hour in that universe equivalent to a minute in here,” The Doctor warned.

A suddenly panicked Pinkie rushed over to the nearby console and frantically pressed buttons until a picture appeared on one of the screens. Lyra staring down the barrel of a gun at a ravenous werewolf. Behind her, a terrified Octavia wailed in fear.

With a bolt of speed, Pinkie seized Vinyl and The Doctor, dragging them into the gate. They appeared in the clearing just in time to hear a loud crack and to see a rough, furred form strike the ground.

“What did you do?” The Doctor demanded, “You didn’t even give it a chance to talk! We could have figured out what it wanted!”

“This was the only way I could think of to make the events of the story absolutely impossible. Anyway, the story makes it pretty clear that that thing wasn’t sentient.” Lyra answered.

A shudder shook the world. Light, shining like the sun, burst forth from the fallen werewolf. All around, areas central to the story shone brighter still, contributing their shimmer to the blaze. Gathering itself slowly, the light began to coalesce into a body. Two heads sprouted from a massive, furred form. Brown fur covered the left head, and a pair of yellow eyes stared down at the group. The other head, a pale white, opened its mouth to show a long pair of fangs.

“Where did this come from?” Lyra asked in horror.

“And why does it have my face?” Vinyl asked, looking disturbed.

The strange chimera launched itself at them, screeching. Pinkie parried it with a sword pulled from somewhere, while The Doctor scrambled up the nearest tree. Sliding under its belly, Lyra emptied her gun into the thing. Like a snake, the white head curled under to sink its fangs into Lyra. Catching the sword in its jaws, the other head snapped it and sent fragments flying everywhere.

Seeing the coming attack, Lyra caught the fanged face with her hands, shouting, “Nothing I can do seems to slow it down!”

“Then get out of there!” Pinkie answered, “I think I have something!”

One of the trees in the clearing suddenly transformed into a wooden mecha.

“Doctor!” Pinkie shouted, “How many times do I have to tell you that wooden tools are useless! You should have used cobblestone!”

“But I wasted all of my iron on an axe! What did you expect me to do?”

He cried out in terror as the mecha splintered under the assault.

“See? I warned you about this! You have no durability like that! Now back up!”

Grabbing the white cube from her mane, Pinkie hurled it at the beast. It struck the werewolf head and shattered silently. From within, a white fluid splashed across the thing. It seethed like a living thing, spreading itself across the monster and dying it a flat white. After a few seconds, it disappeared completely.

“What was that?” Vinyl asked in a dangerously soft voice from behind her half constructed bass cannon.

“I don’t know, but it that light was raw time energy,” The Doctor answered.

“I think we’re done here,” Lyra said.

“We did it!” Pinkie squealed, “We saved a universe! This calls for a party!”

End of Chapter 1

A/N: My thanks go out to WillCashien, who pointed out a typo and also to LL, who is very good at pointing out when my stories get too serious. He is probably the reason this story didn’t turn into a treatise about the meaninglessness of life (because that’s where all my stories end up).