Forgetful Service

by gapty

Winter

My room was darkened from the closed blinds as I laid on my bed. The pillow was wet from my tears and my blanket dirty from the lumps of earth that had stuck to my clothes—a perfect portrayal of the mess I was sitting in.

Trixie had figured out how to use the Memory Stone. It was child’s play anyway, just thinking who should forget what, so it wasn’t a surprise. However, Trixie was cruel in which memories she chose to erase.

My memories were untouched. Whether it was because she didn’t see me as a threat or because she wanted to punish me, I didn’t know.

But Trixie erased the rumour of the fairy.

I knew that Trixie did this as a security measure for herself. Without anyone remembering the fairy, the Rainbooms wouldn’t search for one. She even went directly to them and told them about the geodes in the locked room—a sign of how long she’d been watching me. While the Rainbooms would need some time to figure out what the geodes were for (unless they wrote it down somewhere), it made sure that they wouldn’t suspect Trixie of anything anymore in case I would seek their help.

It was a perfect plan—just not for me.

Everything I built for was gone. I had erased my past, and what I had built in the present had vanished as quickly as a finger snap.

I was literally a nobody.

The sounds of keys and opening doors notified me that my mother had returned. She would soon find me, and ask what was going on, why I wasn’t in school.

I didn’t move. I didn’t call her. Everything was crashing down, and all I could do was wait till I would be crushed by the consequences of my actions.

Since I had no music in my room, I was unnoticed for a while, but eventually, my mother went up the stairs and noticed the closed blinds. When I heard her footsteps in my room and they suddenly stopped, I knew that she was looking at me.

“Wallflower, what are you doing here?” she asked me with a worried voice. “Did something happen?”

“Go away,” I muttered and hid my head with my pillow.

“Did someone bully you? Did someone beat you up? Did—”

“Go away!” I yelled, my voice muffled through the sheet.

“But sweetheart—”

I raised my head and turned to her. When she saw my face, her eyes widened, and she took a step towards me with raised arms.

“Please,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Not now.”

My mother bit her lip, but nodded and stepped backwards, her eyes still set on me. Only after some time did she sigh and leave the room, closing the door behind her.

I let my face fall on the pillow and remained laying on my bed, pitying and crying myself out.

---

A knock on my door ripped me out of my state, but when my mother entered the room, I turned back to the wall.

“Wallflower,” my mother said, sitting on my bed. “I called the school, but they weren’t aware of anything. Please, at least tell me what happened to you. Maybe I can help you.”

I didn’t reply.

“Is it… something you regret? Did someone break your heart?”

I shook my head.

“Did you get pregnant?”

I turned to her, raising an eyebrow. But seeing her serious and worried expression, I said, “No, I didn’t.”

“Did you take… um…”

Before my mother would play the guessing game, I answered the questions for her immediately.

“No, I didn’t take any drugs, I wasn’t raped, I didn’t join any criminal gang, nor did I witness a traumatising accident or death. Anything else?”

My mother sighed. “You know that I’m worried for you, sweetheart. Please…”

“The last person I want to talk to is you, Mum. Don’t take it personally, but you know why.” Without waiting for a reply, I turned back to the wall.

My mother remained sitting silently for some minutes before she broke it.

“Do you want something to eat?”

I shook my head, and my mother finally left the room.

I let out a sigh. I knew I had to tell her at some point, but I rejected the idea that she would be the first person to hear about the Memory Stone.

---

A soft shaking of my shoulders woke me up from my sleep. Turning my gaze, I saw that it was my father.

“Change your clothes and wash yourself, dinner will be ready soon.”

With a surprised blink I turned to the clock, which confirmed that it was indeed so late already. My stomach notified me of its hunger also with a loud growl, so I nodded and stood up.

After leaving the shower and changing into new clothes, I walked down to the kitchen and sat at my place, giving careful glances at my parents.

While my father always had an unreadable face, the unease and worry was written plain on my mother’s: Her hair was more tangled than usual and she repeatedly bit her fingernails. However, as we started eating, she didn’t say anything to my surprise. While I didn’t want to say anything right now, the silence bothered me—it reminded me too much of yesterday’s dinner, making me anticipate another interrogation.

But it never came.

I only ate half of my portion before I moved the plate away, causing my mother to ask, “Not hungry anymore?”

I nodded.

“Then please remain sitting,” my father asked me.

I sighed. It had to come to this of course. It was inevitable, but I still wished to move the moment further so my future self would have to deal with it.

“You know the question, Wallflower. Better now than later,” my father said as if he read my mind.

Crossing my arms, I looked away to the side. I never liked to maintain eye contact with him; his unchanging face always confused me.

Seconds passed, which felt so long. Neither of my parents continued eating, so only the ticking of the clock broke the silence. I hated it. Wishing that the ground would open and swallow me up was pretty trite in situations like this, but I still wished for it right now.

I never liked confrontations, and with the Memory Stone, I’d forgotten how to stay through one.

But the silence felt more and more like an unbearable weight crushing me down, so I couldn’t take it anymore and opened my mouth.

And once the words flowed out, they didn’t stop.

It had been a lot to take in for my parents. As soon as I mentioned the Memory Stone, my mother couldn’t stay in her seat and walked in circles, and when I’d finished, my father nodded slowly before saying I’m free to go to my room.

His voice at that moment was the first time I heard on the verge of cracking, the disappointment audible in every syllable. I knew he only said this to hide his anger, but I followed.

---

“Why are you blaming me?”

“Why? Would you listen to yourself for once? You infected her with your gossip!”

“No, I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did! There wasn’t a single student you didn’t criticise!”

“I’m just concerned for her safety!”

“Safety? According to you, everyone out there is an egoistic criminal! Of course she’d think that everyone else thinks about her like you think about others!”

The argument downstairs was loud enough for me to hear everything, causing me to break down into tears. I didn’t want this to happen! They shouldn’t break up because of me!

The desire to put on headphones and drown out the argument was big, but I had to know the outcome. If it started to go downhill, I would have to try to break into Trixie’s house and take the Memory Stone from her to—

What was I thinking? Why was my first instinct to erase memories again?

But it would be an easy solution…

…that would only prolong and increase the problem.

I groaned, beating with my fist against a wall.

I did this.

I did all of this.

I broke my family. I erased myself from my school. Everything was crashing down because of me.

Without me, everything would be fine.

Without me, everyone would be happy.

Taking a deep breath, I gathered my determination and took my bag, putting the most important necessities in it and sneaking out of my room.

It was for the greater good.

My parents were still arguing in the kitchen, so they didn’t notice me. Within seconds, I’d left through the door and ran away.

---

There was nothing better than an uninterrupted work. The only sounds, other than those of my tools in the dirt, were the soft chirps of birds and the buzzes of bees, and with the school far, far away, no one would be interrupting me.

It was beautiful and peaceful. I didn’t have to go anywhere. I didn’t have to leave. I was all by myself.

It was perfect.

A soft chuckle made me look up. Before me stood a teen girl with green hair, wearing a red shirt, dark blue shorts with sunflower stickers and brown boots. However, the first thing that caught my eye was the sunflower in her hair, which oddly enough resonated with me.

“Do you like it here?” the girl asked me.

I nodded. “And who are you?”

Another chuckle. “You created me, Wallflower. Don’t you remember?”

I blinked before I shook my head.

“I’m the fairy of this garden. You can talk to me whatever you want and I forget it afterwards.”

Rubbing my temples, I took another deep look at the fairy. Only now did I realise how she was like a mirror image of me.

Somehow, I didn’t question it anymore.

“Do you like my garden?” I asked instead, showing it with my arms.

The fairy nodded. “A lot. You did very well.”

“Thank you! I’m really proud of it.”

“Do you want to show it to anyone else?”

The fairy’s question made me hesitate. Taking glances at each plant, I thought about what the answer was. I wanted to show it to others, but that was more for seeking endorsement than anything else.

“I don’t need it,” I replied. “Sure, I’m happy whenever someone else praises my work, but that’s not what it’s all about. It’s about inner peace and personal achievements.”

The fairy’s smile widened. “That’s great to hear! So you won’t show it to your parents, right?”

I turned my face away from her, looking to the ground. I didn’t expect the question, but I realised the implications for each answer. If I said yes, then I had no connections with my own parents; but if I backed down, then I wouldn’t be true to my words. There was no saving me from messing up conversations, even when talking to the fairy.

“Sorry,” the fairy scratched the back of her head nervously. “I didn’t mean to poke into unnecessary details. But no one else will come across here, as far as I understand.”

“No one will anymore.” I replied with a sigh. “Trixie stole my ability to be you, and since I ran away, I can’t return to the school or this garden anymore.”

The fairy tilted her head. “But we’re here, aren’t we?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, raising my eyebrow.

The fairy didn’t reply, but simply stared into my eyes. The longer she did, the more I realised what was going on.

She was mocking me. Her smile was actually her sneering at me. She had praised my garden to make me proud of it and later on break my confidence apart. For what? Just for the sick joy of seeing me panic from my failures?

“Wallflower,” the fairy said, as the sunflower on her head dried out instantly. “I’m not doing anything.”

“Liar!” I yelled at her, stepping back.

Her red shirt faded into an unnoticeable grey, and the shorts turned black as the stickers fell apart.

“You ruined my life!” I shouted back, my breath becoming rapid.

“But I am you,” the fairy said, her voice cracking down as her eyes welled up.

“No, you’re not!” I retorted, clenching my fists. “You’re who I wanted to be!”

“Then why are you angry at me?”

Opening my eyes, I saw the rough concrete ceiling above me. My body shook from the cold ground. I turned my gaze to the fire that had almost died out. After throwing in a few more wood pieces, I wrapped my blanket tighter around myself as I waited for the much needed warmth.

How much I missed my room, my soft bed, my warm house. But it was the best for everyone.

I deserved it for everything that I did.

---

After the bakery closed and the last worker left the building, I emerged and ran to the dustbins, opening them. So many plastic bags full with perfectly fine breads and pastries; it hurt seeing them being thrown away. Nonetheless, it meant free food for me, so I took a bag with the most variety and ran back into the warehouse.

Once in safety, I opened the bag and searched through it what I could eat. Too many pastries had something with apples in—Applejack’s family was literally flooding Canterlot City with their product—and it took me a while to find a piece of an orange cake and some strawberry flavoured donuts. There were also sausages wrapped in dough, which I put to the side for later use.

While I ate, I heard a noise from a corner above me. Looking up, I saw something black and small moving across the scaffold. I continued eating, not taking away my eyes from the creature.

Before long, it climbed down, revealing itself to be a cat. Its fur was dirty and yet puffy, and its green eyes stared into mine intensely.

“Hello there, little kitty,” I greeted it gently with a higher pitched voice—I think Fluttershy talked like that to animals.

However, the cat stopped in its movement. Had I scared it?

“You don’t have to fear me.”

No reaction. Maybe it was hungry? I reached for the sausage, removed it from the dough and threw it at the cat. It grabbed the food with its teeth and ran away.

Sighing heavily, I returned to eating the orange cake.

The first day all alone. I should get used to it.

---

Heavy rain dropped all over me, but I didn’t care about getting wet. I was angry instead. Fists clenched, I saw how flannel plants had grown all over my garden.

A quiet sniff made me notice the fairy sitting on the ground, her legs pulled to herself. Sunroots covered her body, but I still noticed the dried up sunflower on her hair and the clothes lacking any colour.

“You!” I yelled at her. “Why didn’t you take care of this place?”

She raised her face, her eyes fiercely looking into mine. “Me?” she asked. “What do I have to do with your garden?”

“You’re the fairy!” I shouted, throwing my hands up in the air. “Just look at yourself! You can’t even take care of your own body! See how the garden affects you too!”

“Take care of it yourself.” The fairy crossed her arms and turned her head away, her nose up in the air.

“At least go inside somewhere,” I retorted. “Or use an umbrella.”

“The rain doesn’t bother me,” the fairy replied. “Nor these sunroots on me. I grew them myself.”

Gritting my teeth, I took her arm and pulled on it, trying to make her stand up. I was too weak.

“Stand up!” I shouted, getting frustrated.

“Why?” the fairy replied bitterly. “No one comes here anyway.”

“Because I care for you and this garden!”

A peal of thunder threw me out of my dream. With a loud groan I rolled around, trying to find a comfortable position to fall back asleep.

Hopefully these dreams would stop soon—I didn’t need any “lessons” or metaphorical representations.

No matter which position I tried, none of them were comfortable enough to fall asleep. It didn’t help that, with the heavy storm outside, lightning and loud thunder were too near to feel safe in this warehouse.

Hearing a meow, I opened my eyes and looked in the direction it came from. There was the black cat again, approaching me and my fireplace. What surprised me more was the kitten it… she carried with her.

I didn’t say anything as the cat placed her kitten on the ground, gave me a short glance before running away into the darkness.

Blinking in surprise, I turned my gaze to the helpless kitten. Its fur was soaked with water and cried loudly for its mother.

The sight broke my heart. Why did its mother leave it? Was the world really so cruel that even among animals mothers would leave their children to some dangerous species? My mother had been right all along with how cruel the world was.

I unwrapped my blanket and used it to dry the kitten as carefully as possible.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ll take care of you.”

Hearing another meow, I turned to the direction and saw the cat return, carrying another kitten with her.

My eyes widened as the cat placed the wet kitty on the blanket and ran away into the darkness again.

She didn’t leave her kitten with me, she’d gone back for her other kittens! I slapped myself for judging her so quickly. Had I become like my mother? Did I think of her so badly that I assumed she’d be able to abandon her own children?

Three more times the cat returned before she stayed with the kitten and licked them dry. I was watching them from a distance, rubbing my arms and legs warm due to having given them my blanket.

“See how much she loves them.”

I jumped up in surprise and looked next to me. With widened eyes I saw the fairy from my dreams sitting next to me.

“You? But… aren’t you…?” I stammered, searching for words. “Am I hallucinating this?”

Her tired eyes looked at me. “No, you’re half-asleep.”

“Glad I’m not going crazy,” I replied sarcastically. “Why aren’t we in my garden? Usually, I meet you there.”

The fairy shrugged.

“Alright, let’s get over this,” I said. “What’s the next ‘lesson’ you want to teach me? What’s the next checkmark in our symbolism list?”

The fairy sighed. “Wallflower, look at the cat.”

I rolled my eyes, but did as she said.

“So you see how much she cares for her children? How she went back to the storm again and again until she rescued every single one of them?”

“Is this about how my mother is scared for me?” I asked with an annoyed voice. “I know about motherly love.”

“And yet, despite you knowing it, you judged it. When a child runs away, other people always think it’s the parent’s fault, don’t they?”

I opened my mouth to deny it, but stopped. She was right. A child running away from her parents, what would anyone think of it? They couldn’t tell them about the Memory Stone, they would look crazy!

The fairy exhaled. “You still won’t return home, won’t you?”

Closing my eyes, I shook my head.

“I don’t get it,” the fairy said. “You understand how you got yourself into everyone forgetting you. You know you erased every memory of yourself. But instead of trying to fix and start again, you run away. You don’t want to be alone, Wallflower.”

“No, but I deserve it,” I responded.

“Then why were you disappointed when the cat ran away after you fed her? Didn’t you wish that she would stay with you? And now look at yourself. You smile whenever you look at the cat. You’re proud that she trusts you even with her children.

“So, tell me: What is the reason you keep making the same mistakes despite understanding why they’re wrong? Why is the smart Wallflower, who knows better than her mother to not judge anyone simply based on limited information one has, burying deeper and deeper her hole, further escalating and blowing up the consequences—”

“Shut up!” I shouted, pulling at my hair. “Just shut up! I don’t need my subconsciousness judging me also! I don’t need you!”

“But—”

“What part of ‘shutting up’ don’t you understand?” I retorted, standing up. “I hate these types of talks! I hate having to stand up for myself! Is that what you wanted to hear?”

The fairy looked up at me, her sad eyes locked into mine. “I don’t think that’s true.”

Growling angrily, I grabbed her shirt and pulled her towards me. “Then tell me, ‘me.’ What do you think is the truth?”

The fairy’s lips raised slowly into a grin, before responding quietly, “You fear punishment.”

---

The storm had ended long ago and the morning sun lightened the warehouse, but I remained sitting before the extinguished fire, not taking my eye off of it. The “half-dream” hadn’t let me rest as my thoughts didn’t stop circling about it.

Did I fear punishment that much?

As much as I wanted to deny it, it made too much sense. When Trixie stole the Memory Stone from me, I didn’t go to Principal Celestia or the Rainbooms to tell them about it. It would be the only right thing to do with how dangerous the Memory Stone could be in the wrong hands.

But that would mean I had to reveal having used it myself.

Further proof was that I couldn’t force myself to return to my parents. The longer I thought about it, the more reasons came into my mind as to why it would be better if I was with them: Their worries, what others would think of how they treat me, how cowardly I looked in my parents eyes—why else would I have run away anyway then out of fear of consequences? Even my initial argument that they would break up because of me made no sense, as me having run away would only escalate any argument between them.

I had to return. I had to face my consequences, but I feared them. Even my hands were shaking from just thinking about it.

That’s what I had been doing the whole time: Running away from my punishments. When I erased any memories of me, I didn’t want to explain the memory holes others would have—so I created even more of them. When I realised how far I’d gone by stealing the geodes of the Rainbooms, I still didn’t undo my mistake. Everyone knew how narcissistic Trixie was, and yet I let her keep that stone without caring what damage she might do to others. Whenever my parents had caught up to their memory holes, I erased these memories of it, and when I couldn’t anymore, I ran away…

I let my face fall in my hands, my forehead drowning in sweat.

Why was I doing nothing? I understood everything. My thoughts were the same, repeating itself again and again. The longer I waited, the worse the consequences would be, but I refused to face them.

How pathetic was I? When would I finally pull myself together?

Tears fell down my eyes, guilt overtaking me.

But I remained sitting, my heart racing in my chest.

“Wallflower,” a voice whispered to me.

Looking up, my eyes widened in shock. There was the fairy again, but different. She floated, and a dark aura surrounded her. Her eyes were glowing green, the same colour the Memory Stone glowed whenever I had used it.

“No,” I yelped, crawling back. “Please, don’t!”

“It’s time, Wallflower,” the fairy said as it flew nearer.

“I can’t! Not yet!”

I stood up and ran away to the exit. It was my only escape from her, but no matter how fast I ran, it didn’t come near.

My breath was heavy, my legs and arms were shaking and feeling weak, and my heart pounded like crazy.

“You can’t run anymore,” the fairy said, her creepy voice echoing in my head.

“No!” I shouted, as multiple hands grabbed tightly around my arms.

“We got her,” a man in a blue uniform said, putting a hand on my forehead. “Looks like she has a fever—she’s probably hallucinating. Bring her to the hospital!”

Comments

[RB_]

I like the direct line drawn from Wallflower’s mother to Wallflower’s behaviour. Additionally, the ‘punishment avoidance’ behaviour is one that’s all too familiar. Looking forward to Spring.