Year 0
You plant yourself on an overturned log, letting out a sigh of exhaustion as you do so. It's a good opportunity to get off your feet for a little while, as pretty soon you'll need to find somewhere to sleep. It's the hardest part of your new day-to-day routine.
A couple of months ago, you found yourself waking up in a strange place. You don't recall how you got there, but it was obvious that this place isn't your home. In fact, everything you saw, from the landscape to the local wildlife, made it clear that you were on a completely different world than the one you were used to. You would have been disturbed by this, if not for the fact that your old life kind of sucked.
That still left you with the issue of needing to find things like food and shelter. You've always been pretty resourceful and outdoorsy, so the hard part wasn't necessarily finding those things, it was learning whether or not they were safe. As far as you know, you're the only human in this world, and without any sort of guide, it's difficult to know which of these alien flora and fauna are safe to eat.
After a few weeks, you found a startling sight. A coastal town, which you would later learn is known as Maretime Bay. You were ecstatic when you saw it, but your excitement quickly faded when you discovered what the locals are.
Ponies. Talking, intelligent, candy-colored ponies as far as the eye can see.
To you, it was the most ridiculous sight you'd ever seen. To them, you were the scariest thing they'd ever seen. There was panic in the streets, when all you wanted to know was where you were and how you got there.
A sheriff eventually found you. He acted like he wanted to apprehend you, but his fear was holding him back. Plus, you're pretty sure these ponies know next to nothing about real self-defense. As such, after you informed him that you meant no harm and that you were merely lost, he finally started letting you in on some things.
You're in a land known as Equestria. Equestria is populated by ponies, not humans, and three ponykinds (earth ponies, unicorns, and pegasi) all live separately because... reasons. After getting the lowdown, you explained that you were starving. Some scared ponies nearby thought you were going to eat them, and panic resumed once more.
After a lot of annoyances, you and the sheriff settled on an agreement. You would be allowed in Maretime Bay for whatever supplies you need, but you had three conditions. First, you would still need to pay for whatever you needed. You thought that seemed fair enough. Second, you could not live in the bay, as the general populous simply thinks you're too scary. It hurt to know that this world has a civilization and that you aren't welcome there, but you didn't really have a way to argue with him. Finally, you could only visit at night when there were less ponies around. That would make it a lot harder for you to do business in the bay, but not impossible.
With a huff, you left the bay, much more informed about your situation but not really having gotten any help. You didn't even bother checking out the unicorn or pegasus societies. They'd probably just kick you out, too.
Thus, here you are. You forage and hunt for food, and you typically sleep among the trees or in caves you find. You feel your stomach growl and instinctively rub at it. Today's hunt didn't go well. Neither did yesterday's, actually.
Oh, well. This is life now, you suppose.
You're about to stand up when you notice an odd sight in the distance. A very small plume of smoke rises into the sky on the other side of a nearby mountain. You're pretty sure you're nowhere near the three pony settlements, so... what gives? With a shrug, you stand up off of the log and begin making your way towards the sign of life in the distance.
It doesn't take you that long to reach it, either, but what you see shocks you: a massive castle, seemingly built around where an old, colossal tree once stood. A dilapidated stone bridge leads to the entrance. Looking at the dark castle, you notice the plume of smoke coming from a window on the side facing the view of the valley below the mountain that you've found yourself on. Someone lives here, that's for sure.
After a bit of deliberating, you decide to satiate your own curiosity. You slowly make your way across the bridge, wincing as some of the stones crumble beneath your weight. Eventually, you reach the gigantic entrance. After taking a deep breath, you reach for one of the giant handles and give that door a few loud, heavy knocks.
You notice that the plume of smoke disappears almost immediately after you knock. There is no sound coming from within the castle, but your instincts tell you that there is movement on the other side of the door. After a good couple of minutes with no response, you finally consider turning around and leaving, but before you do, you see the door slowly creak open just a bit.
Through the crack in the door, you realize that there is very little light coming from within the castle. However, the pony greeting you is not at all what you expected. She has a purple coat and a white, immaculately cared-for mane. Most notably, however, is her size. She towers over the ponies you saw living in Maretime Bay. On top of that, you notice that she has a long unicorn horn and a pair of pegasus wings. That... wasn't mentioned by the sheriff.
After a few seconds she speaks up, her voice haughty and filled with disdain.
"And what are you supposed to be?"
"Wow, so you're just straight up evil."
"I prefer to say that I will go and take just what I need."
"You want to conquer Equestria."
"I've already conquered Equestria, human. Those foolish ponies simply don't know it yet."
"...Right." You look around at the strange, dark throne room. This pony, who you have learned is apparently a "fire alicorn" named Opaline Arcana, is extremely boisterous. After she answered the door, you asked what this castle was. She became really dodgy until you told her you were desperate for a job (hey, that would make getting food a heck of a lot easier). After that, she practically yanked you into this room and started monologuing about how she defeated some princess named Twilight Sparkle a few hundred years ago because she's immortal or whatever, and in retaliation Twilight "deprived her of what was hers" by taking away Equestria's magic. It sounded far-fetched to you, but then again, so does everything in this world. "And you're in hiding because without your magic, you can't exert your will over 'those foolish ponies.'"
"You catch on quick, human."
You give her a nonplussed look. An evil, immortal queen, huh?
"Well, I've seen fantasy movies before. Now that you've told me all of that, you're either going to kill me or try to recruit me."
"Hmhm. You really do catch on quick. I'm starting to like you already." She stands from her throne and sashays towards you, flaring out her wings as she does and giving you a menacing grin. "So, what'll it be?"
"Eh, I have no qualms with being an evil minion."
She looks at you with surprise.
"W-wait, really?"
"Can you provide food and a roof over my head?"
"Trivial matters for one such as I."
"Then yeah, sure. I'll die for you, why not?"
Her surprise goes to complete bewilderment.
"Just like that?"
"I've got nothing better to do in this world. Plus, I'm starving, and frankly you seem more okay with me than those ponies in Maretime Bay."
After blinking a couple of times, Opaline gives you an evil grin. Her horn lights up slightly with magical fire before it quickly peters out, but not before the magical torches in the room around you temporarily grow brighter.
"Then bow before your new master, human. Swear fealty to your lady, Opaline Arcana!" With a shrug and an unimpressed look, you take a knee and look down at the floor. You don't know how this whole "swearing fealty" thing is supposed to work, but this is probably close enough, right? After a few moments, Opaline laughs an evil laugh. "You may rise."
You do so, giving the now very cocky mare a once-over.
"So, now what?"
"I am going to put you to use immediately. Consider it a test, if you will. On the far side of this mountain, where the valley below first starts to tilt upwards, you will find a dead tree surrounded by three large bushes. There is a hollowed out space inside of that tree, and you are to retrieve what you find inside."
"Er... okay. May I ask what it is that I will be retrieving, so that I'll at least know when I've found the right tree?"
"My Ponyzon packages for the week. Food, entertainment, that sort of thing."
"...Ponyzon."
"That is correct. I have to acquire goods somehow, after all, and those foolish ponies cannot see me like this. Thus, they are instructed to leave my packages in that tree. I usually put myself at risk to collect them in the night, but now, not only do I no longer need to leave, I can also acquire them in the middle of the day, hahahaha!"
She lets out an evil cackle while you look at her with disbelief.
"How do you pay for them?"
"Credit card. Duh."
"And how do you get your money, or keep your identity safe?"
"Identity theft is shockingly easy, my new minion. As is counterfeiting." You raise an eyebrow. "Do not look at your lady like that! As the ruler of Equestria, I should be getting whatever I want handed to me on a silver platter! For now, this will simply have to do."
You can't help but chuckle at how absurd this all is.
"Alright, sure. I'll be back soon with your packages." You remember your role here and take a bow. "My lady."
"That's more like it. Return with those packages or don't return at all."
Without another word, you're sent out the door with a newfound purpose and an errand to run.
Your life is weird, isn't it?
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So, we're Opaline's new (and only) minion, huh?
Fuck it, we ball, plus free food! Let's go Team Opaline!
(Also, I loved this chapter, can't wait to see how it will continue!)
Love the first chapter that has the perfect amount of Comedy hope there's more than one chapter
In a world of magic and fantasy, the bit about identity theft near is the most believable thing.
naught : nothing
Hell yeah (les gooo-)
I'm not sure what ponish phase for it. Does anyone?
11653775
Probably hooved
But in instances like that I just assume the ponies are using slang they received from like....minotaurs or dragons or the kittycat species from that movie
11653817
Minotaurs got hands, yes but Dragons and Abyssinians got claws.
11653775
The show itself uses phrases like that when changing the terminology would be confusing to the audience (see the song What My Cutie Mark is Telling Me, wherein Applejack asks "Could y'all give me a hand here and help me fix this mess?"), so I did the same.
"Oh yeah, it's all coming together."
Oh I can see this being delightfully goofy.
Opaline's Evil Incorporateeeed~!
I had to double-check the description because I couldn't believe it at first.
You really wrote this based on my suggestion?!
Awesome and thank you!
Looking forward to what's next!
Man I love this author
I bet she ordered one of those soft bathrobes with the fluffy collar