An Idiot Trio vs Equestria

by Beast Out

Chapter 4: Just your Average Teenage Outlaws

Shining Armor was many things. Captain of the Royal Guard, his sister's BBBF and son to Night Light and Twilight Velvet. A cat pony was not one of them. So when one of his guards came into his office with a kitten supposedly owned by him, he naturally assumed it was some sick joke. Unfortunately, the little fleabag refused to leave and was now sitting on his desk. Staring at him.

"Alright, fuzzball. Just stay there and… don't touch anything." He then went to sit at his desk and finish his battle with his most hated enemy. Paperwork.

"You know, I pictured a job like this being a lot more eventful. But I guess that's what a thousand years of peace does to law enforcement positions."

Shining nodded. "Mhm. But you know what they say in this line of work. "A slow day is a good day.""

"I guess."

The room soon fell back into a comfortable silence, aside from the scratching of quill and paper. Wait. The only ones in the room were him and the-!

The kitten was gone. In its place was a black coated unicorn with a red mane and eyes, as well as the most shit eating grin he'd ever seen.

"Hi there."

The intruder was immediately slammed into the nearest wall and pinned there via telekinesis.

The Captain immediately leapt into interrogation mode. "Who the hell are you!? Why are you here?!"

"Chill! Chill! Chill! I'm not here for (much) trouble!" The stallion took the time to calm his breath before continuing. "The name's Dartz. I'm here on behalf of someone who's pretty interested in you."

Shining let Dartz down to his hoofs, then immediately trapped him in a bubble shield.

"While I'm flattered, you'll have to let your boss know that I'm taken. But in all seriousness, what do they want?"

Dart smirked despite the Captain's glare. "If you wanna understand what my boss wants, you need to understand what she is. Tell me. Do you know what Changeling is?"

The white stallion shook his head. "Never heard of them. Is it what you are?"

"Ding! Ding! Ding! That's right! But you wanna know why you've never heard of us?"

Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. "Well if the name and the fact that you were a cat mean anything, it's because your kind didn't want to be heard of. This likely isn't what you really look like."

Dartz' grin widened. "I'm actually quite handsome under this disguise. But yeah, that's one reason. Changelings have been in hiding for a while. Mostly because the previous Queen was dumb enough to make an enemy out of this very Kingdom. 'Cuz of our very out of the way hiding place, our main food source has been pretty hard to access. That's where you come in."

"And what do you eat?"

"Love."

"You're fucking with me."

"Isn't that Cadance's job?"

The Captain simply glared at him.

"Alright. Alright. Not funny. But Changelings do in fact eat love."

"And because I'm the Princess of Love's special somepony, you must think I'm an all you can eat buffet."

Dartz smugly tapped his snout. "I don't think. I know. And it's not just because of your love for her. But your love in general. For your family, this kingdom. It's like standing in a bakery after they just opened for the day."

"That just leaves two questions. Why me and not Cadance? And why should I trust a word you say and not turn you in right now? You said your kingdom was an enemy of Equestria. How do I know if that's actually changed?"

Dartz pulled out the amulet and idly fiddled with it. "Weeeeeell. One. I had a feeling it'd be alot easier to get to you than your not so little girlfriend. Two. The battle that drove us into hiding was over a millenia ago, we're (hopefully) not that bitter. Besides, if you help us out, we'll help you out."

"What could you possibly help me with?"

"The return of Nightmare Moon."

Shining started laughing. And didn't stop for a while.

The changeling stared at the stallion flatly. "You done?"

"I'm sorry. Sorry. But the Mare in the Moon! She's a filly's tale! A monster parents use to scare their foals into behaving!"

Dartz rolled his eyes. "She's as real as either of us dude. She's Celestia's sister. Used to go by Luna."

"I think all of Equestria would know if Celestia had a sister."

"Unless she didn't want it to."

"Why would she hide something like that?"

"You're a smart guy aren't you? You know how the filly tale goes. Moon sister betrays Sun sister out of envy, Sun sister defeats her and seals her into the moon. I'm sure you can think of a few reasons."

"And you don't think this just faded out of history naturally? If it's even true."

"Alright. Think of it like this. A thousand years is a long time. But time doesn't mean much to information. Sure, details may change as it's passed on. But as long as it's properly preserved, information is effectively immortal. Followin'?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Now Equestria has been at war with my species and Luna started a coup. Stuff like that doesn't just get forgotten or just fade into legend. Historians wouldn't let things like that simply be forgotten. As long as information is properly preserved it's immortal. Unless."

"Something actively killed it."

"Exactly. Now I don't think Celestia is evil or some kind of tyrant. I don't know if she did this because of some grudge, shame or because she genuinely thought Equestria would be better off without this knowledge, maybe Equestrian history keeping is just complete garbage and none this is her fault. What I do know is that it's coming back to bite her in the ass."

The Captain adopted a contemplative look on his face, obviously conflicted.

"If you still don't believe me, you should ask Celestia about your sister's next letter. But as for your part of this bargain you'll need to wear this." He slid the amulet over to his jailer as well as a slip of paper.

He frowned at the mention of Twilight, but didn't comment on it. "Fancy. What's it for?"

"Siphoning your love. If you wanna learn more you should come to the written address. One of my associates will be there. Just remember the password, it's on the other side of the paper."

"I… need time to think about this."

"Whether you agree or not, please don't tell the ol' Sunny D about our little talk. We aren't ready for her to know we're alive and kickin' just yet."

Suddenly, a yell from the hallway caught their attention. Shining opened the door to be greeted with the sight of a maroon feathered griffin flying down the hall at breakneck speed, being pursued by several guards.

Shining turned to his prisoner with a raised eyebrow. "Friend of yours?"

"And my cue to leave! See ya!" With that, he shimmered out of existence. Like a mirage that'd never truly been there.

Shining Armor dropped the shield bubble out of shock, only to feel the impact of a hoof on his face. The changeling hadn't left the bubble, just cast an illusion.

Dartz reappeared and bolted out the open door. "Sorry! Nothin' personal!"

(Cue the Music!)
Dartz galloped down the hallway, weaving through the running guards like a needle through silk until he'd caught up to Archer.

"Hey, bird boy! You fucked up real good didn't chya?"

Archer rolled his eyes. "Nice to see you too! And for the record, I got unlucky!"

"Whatever. Got what you came for?"

"Yeah! How 'bout you?"

"That's up in the air. But I think we got a shot. Now let's ditch this joint!"

They turned the corner into a hallway full of expensive looking paintings and vases. Dartz grinned, his horn glowing and sprouting tendrils of pure magic whipping the priceless decorations and throwing off their balance, cackling the entire time.

"Have fun fuckers!"

A good number of the following guards stopped to catch the decor before it all fell. Every one of those paintings were worth more than their salary and they didn't even want to think about the cleanup of those vases!

Now with their number of pursuers cut in half, the duo took a right turn and burst through the nearest door before slamming it shut behind them. They both leaned against the door to catch their breath, before the clearing of someone's throat caught their attention. Turning their heads to see that they were in a large kitchen with around twenty ponies in chef's uniforms, including one with a striking resemblance to a certain foul mouthed Scottish chef.

Soon the armored ponies burst through the door, spears trained on the perpetrators.

One guard in particular stepped forward. It was Sure Fire.

"Alright you two. You're boxed in. You'll surrender if you know what's good for you."

Dartz and Archer glanced at each other and nodded, before Dartz threw a bag of chili powder in Sure Fire's face.

"My eyes!"

The rest of the guards charged as soon as the bag made contact, ready to apprehend the culprits.

Archer ducked under a spear, used a cutting board to block another, before leaping onto the counter and turning on a kettle. Spinning around, he grabbed a frying pan from its hook on the wall and whacked a guard over the head then just as quickly tossed it into the face of another, only to be tackled to the ground by the next.

On the opposite side of the room Dartz threw a pile of rolling pins to the floor, causing the guard chasing him to fall on their faces. He jumped over a table, grabbing a mixing blow and used it as a shield, rapidly deflecting stun bolts being fired by unicorn while retaliating with his own. Suddenly, he was bucked in the side and sent flying into the nearby counter. Pulling himself up to his feet, he was greeted to the sight of the absolutely livid head chef, who held an oversized meat cleaver in his teeth.

"Alright ya fuckin' tadger. Yew got 5 bloody seconds to get the fuck out my kitchen before ah beat you till yer face looks like a well-skelped erse!"

Before the disguised changeling could get a word in, he found himself dodging deceptively fast slashes from the irate stallion. 'Ok! What business does this asshole have being a chef!'

As he backed away from his assailant he grabbed some onion slices from the counter and jammed them into his eyes.

"Gah fuck! You fuckin wanker! Son of a whorse!"

Dartz picked up a conveniently placed bowl of brown paste and slammed into the face of the Chef from Hell. "Here's your fucking lamb sauce!"

"This is barbeque sauce, you fucking donkey!"

Back with Archer, he was wrestling on the ground with the mare that'd tackled him.

"Quit squirmin' bird-brain!"

Finally, the kettle whistled, and the griffin threw her off of him. He opened the kettle and quickly used the steam to weave a small, angry, pitch black cloud, occasionally crackled with blue electricity that floated between his talons.

"Dartz! Close your eyes and ears!"

Archer clapped as hard as he could. Causing the cloud to spew blinding amounts of lightning and producing the deafening crack of thunder. When the guard recovered from the makeshift flash-bang, the intruders were gone, the only proof they were there was the mess they caused and one of the kitchen windows being suspiciously broken.
(End music)

-5 minutes later-

Shining Armor trotted up to the guards gathered at the broken window. "Anypony care to fill me in?"

The nearest guard saluted him with a wing. "Sir. A griffin was found stealing files from some kind of… secret vault in the Royal Archives."

Now that was weird. "Secret vault?"

The guard nodded. "Yes sir. Its entrance was disguised as a wall, and there's no instance or mention of it in any of the castle's blueprints or schematics."

Another guard ran up to them. "Captain Armor, sir! There's no sign of the suspects on the premises, but they did leave this behind." He hoofed him a roll of parchment. "What should our next move be?"

Shining unrolled the parchment and read it, noting that it was a very old trade agreement signed by both Celestia and Luna".

"Alright! Everypony listen up! Sure Fire, take a squad of fifteen and search for them in the city everypony else here, help assess and fix the damages! You, take me to this vault."

-Meanwhile-

"Whoo! What a ride! That thunder clap thing was awesome!" Dartz was still on his adrenaline rush as they walked through the back alleys of Canterlot. They were scraped and bruised but otherwise fine.

Archer sighed but smiled nonetheless. "Yeah. But I don't think they'll stop chasing us just yet."

"Right." In a flash of green flame Dartz had turned into a neon green pegasus with a gray mane and a black comet cutie mark. "I'll go get Birch and the wagon, you go find Kindle. Sound good?"

The griffin nodded, checking taking his hat off and pulling out the map. "Yeah, we'll meet back at that park we were in earlier. Now take this and put it in our money chest."

The changeling nodded before they performed a hoof/fist bump.

"Break!"

Author's Note:

Fourth chapter already! Genuinly didn't think I'd get it out so fast! So have fun!

Comments

[midnight arrow]

great chapter

[Beast Out]

11622562
Thank you! Two things I knew I wanted for this chapter, was a fight scene in a kitchen and Archer to use a cloud for something! Glad you liked it!

[Poparakelis]

A bunch of idiots indeed

[Daniels6323]

Nice music choice

[Beast Out]

11710905
Thanks! If there's anything I'm confident in. It's my taste in music.