Scootaloo the vampire

by Void Streak

Jailed

I was in the back garden chasing a butterfly. I giggled as the flying creature lead through a hole in the fence. I chased the butterfly into the forest. All of a sudden I tripped over a twisted tree root. Getting up I noticed a small graze on my left hoof, as I started to whimper I heard a voice speak in a Trottish isles accent.

"Now now, dear don't cry"

I looked up to find a black alicorn with weird looking wings. I then noticed that the mysterious looking stallion had scarlet eyes that felt like they were staring right into my soul; he had fangs that sparkled in the dwindling sunlight. This made me back away in fear.

The stallion noticed this and said "don't be frightened dear. I'm not going to hurt you" he smiled creepily when he said the word hurt. "I can make the pain go away if you want"

I then remembered what my mother said about speaking to strangers but I reasoned that this pony seemed friendly.
I slowly nodded my head.

"Come here darling and let me make the pain go away" he told me while gesturing me closer with his hoof.

I slowly inched closer with unease rising within me. When I was in close distance, he lunged at me and pinned me to the floor causing me to scream. He then covered my mouth with his hoof, which silenced me. My light purple eyes turned to pinpricks as the stallion leaned into my neck. As I let out a muffled whimper, he struck. Burying his gleaming fangs into my fleshy neck.

Instantly I felt a searing pain. I felt like my energy was being drained out of me. Then I felt a peculiar sensation rise from deep inside of my. I felt a tingling sensation come from my wings. All of a sudden I got immense tooth ache. With a new found atrengh, I pushed my attacker of me as I
started to run back to my house. I realised that I was running so fast that the world was like a blur. I smashed through the fence, which caused me to stop, turning around I notice that I had managed to lose my pursuer.

I immediately broke down sobbing. I looked up to see my mother, who had a light yellow coat with a swirly pink mane. Her magenta eyes widened when she saw the ruined fence but immediately changed focus when she saw me gesturing to my neck. However when I saw her I felt a sudden hunger sensation. My mother came over to hug. I hugged her back while aslo plunging my teeth into her neck. I started sucking madly like a newborn foal sucking on their milk bottle.

When I was finished, I saw my mother slump to the ground. Her eyes looked like they were staring into space. I thought she was playing dead to try an cheer me up so I started giggling.

"CANDY SWIRL!" an orange stallion with a red mane shouted. Then he looked at me. "YOU MONSTER. I'M GONNA KILL YOU!" my Father shouted, his face lit with fury. He then started to chase me. I quickly started to run...

When I woke up I found myself in a cold, grey, stone room. Groaning I lifted my hoof up to my face where my muzzle felt like it was covered by something. The only sound that came from my mouth was a panicked "mmph". My mouth was being held shut by what felt like a muzzle of some kind. Panicking I looked around and saw that I was on a wooden plank that was hanging by two chains of the wall like a shelf I then noticed an empty bucket in the corner and a wooden door with a small barred window. I quickly came to the assumption that I was in a prison cell. My face went white as I did not remember what happened the day before all I could remember was going to school and then nothing. Going over the door I tried open it but it was locked. I was trapped. Looking at myself I realised that I was in my vampire form when I noticed that my orange, leathery wings were chained to my sides, they couldn't even twitch.

They must've found out about me. What if they try to kill me. I thought while on the verge of having a panic attack. I tried to get the muzzle of my face but it was padlocked on. "MMMMPH MMMPH" I tried to shout through the bars while pounding on the door.

I tried to look for a way to escape but there wasn't even a crack so I did the only think I could do. I cried. I didn't care if anypony heard or saw me like this I just want some pony to come and let me go. But no pony came after what seemed like hours I managed to stop crying and I found a small stone that could draw chalk on the walk. I then started to chalk down lines for each minute that passed so I could get some sense of time. Eventually most of the wall I could reach was covered in lines. I sighed and went over to the hard, wooden bench and tried to fall asleep. No matter how hard I tried I just could not fall asleep. My back was sore from laying on such a hard surface and I was also freezing, there wasn't a single blanket in the cell. To top it all of my jaw was starting to hurt from being held shut all the time.

Suddenly I heard the sounds of hoofsteps coming from outside the cell door. Gulping, I heard the lock turn and the door open revealing the main 6 along with Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. All of them were sporting faces of anger and disappointment. This made my ears to fall flat against my head that's when I noticed that Applejack wasn't there.

"Mmmph?" I tried to ask if I could the muzzle of while pointing to it.

Twilight however misread the gestures and explained instead "That is a muzzle it is used to make sure that you don't bite. This is to protect everypony including yourself. Unfortunately this will mean that you can't talk however you will get a chance to explain yourselves shortly"

Princess Celestia then spoke "You may be a vampire but that does not give you any right to attack innocent ponies. Right now both Diamong Tiarra and Applebloom are both in the hospital suffering from serious injuries. You will have to answer to these crimes and face punishment where ther you are a vampire or not. You are lucky you are even getting a chance to defend yourself as my government considers vampires as dangerous beasts like changelings and timber wolves"

My eyes went wide I was wondering how I attacked Applebloom I, didn't care about Diamond Tiarra she deserved whatever she got, but if Applebloom was really hurt then I would never forgive myself.

Tears threatened to give way again as this time Rainbow Dash gave her a disappointed look before saying "Why kid? Why did you not tell us that you was a vampire? We could've helped you and why did you hurt your friends? Do you not remember about what I said about sticking with your friends sides no matter what?"

When Celestia gestured to a guard. He released my muzzly not before warning my if I did anything stupid it would get put back on again. However I couldn't find the words to answer Dash's question. I couldn't even look her, in the eye. I just wanted the floor to swallow me whole.

When Rainbow Dash realised that I couldn't give an answer she just glared "I can't, I just can't even stand to be in the same room as you!" she angrily exclaimed before walking out.

This was the final straw as is burst into tears as I sobbed "I don't even remember doing it"

Celestia gestured back to the guard who then muzzled me again which stifled my cries limiting them to a "mmph"

Celestia then said "I will be back to decide your punishment" she then trotted after the rest of them before slamming the door shut and locking it.

***

I had nothing to do but imagine what grizzle punishment lay ahaid for me. I then cried myself to sleep however that was only short as I was then woken to the sound of food being pushed through a small opening at the bottom of the door. Walking over to the tray I expected to see hay or oats, not an entire cup full of blood. I had managed the identify the blood as belonging to pigs as I distinctly remembering sneaking several night into the apple pig pen to feed. That mad me think of Applebloom it made me sick that I put her in the hospital. I just hope I didn't hurt her too badly. Thinking of Applebloom made me think of my own mother. She came into the garden to find me crying I shown her two small puncture holes in the side of my neck that's when punched, clutching onto her shoulder as if I was hugging her but in reality I was sucking her dry. Then father came outside just in time to see my mother fall lifeless and my mouth covered in her blood to make things worse I was giggling as I thought that mummy would pop back up and shout boo but she never did. My father had ran to my mother screaming her name he then turned to me and called me a monster he then said that I was dead to him. That was when I decided to run.

Out of nowhere the door opened to reveal Applebloom and Applejack who looked like she wanted to tear me limb from limb. Applebloom, sensing this then asked "Leave me sis. Ah need ter speak tah Scootaloo alone" despite her protests Applejack begrudgingly left.

Applebloom then turned to me which shown me that top half of her muzzle where her nose is, was covered in bandages. "Ah know yer can't speak right now so ah'll make this short. Scootaloo ah don't blame yah for breaking mah nose. Ah don't know why yer did it but ah still forgive you however me and Sweetie Belle have both decided that it may be best for you not ter come tah the clubhouse anymore and tah also keep yer distance from us" I couldn't believe what I was hearing, I was being kicked out of the Cutie Mark Crusaders I knew it was pointless anyway as Vampires couldn't get cutie marks unless they were turned while they already had one but that still didn't mean that I didn't like hanging out and going on adventures. I felt more tears threatening to burst through again. Applebloom must've noticed because he has tilly added "we're not kicking you but just suspending you until we're ready tah have yer back. Ahve gotta go now so bye." sh then ran off leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Then Princess Celestia walked back she announced that "As your punishment you are hereby banished from civilization this means that while you are aloud to remain in Equestria you are not permitted to be in any Equestrian town or city. If you are caught within a city or town I will be forced to use more extreme form of punishment. To make sure you don't enter civilisation I will put a spell on you that will tell me if you enter a city or town. Do you understand"

I nodded she then teleported us both to the edge of the Everfree Forest where she removed my muzzle and placed the spell on without saying goodbye I took one last look at Ponyville before leaving forever...

Comments

[Bronycommander]

Poor scoots

[TearingNose24]

This reads more like a story outline since it mostly boils down to "these things happen." Because of that, when the crimsoning happens it reads and feels less important, despite it being something crucial. Perhaps she could have feared crimsoning and after failing to sate her need for sustenance she takes longer to search for more, leading to her friends or classmates becoming a tad suspicious or worried. Aswell it would help to expand on scoots feelings on her previous actions. Anyway you probably get the point. Have fun writing. :D

[The Spy of the Tiger]

This could be a decent story if you give it some love. I think it has good bones, and could be shaped into something pretty good, but it needs a lot of attention.

The most glaring issue is that this feels like a summary, rather than a story. Slow down, take the time to show us what's happening. Remember: show, don't tell. Let us get inside Scootaloo's head for a bit and acquaint us with her, and how she's different here than she is in the show.

There are a few issues here and there, but for what it's worth, the first paragraph is pretty good. There are some things I would change, however.

I sat on top of a solitary hill on the edge of of the town of Ponyville. My glowing, red eyes shown in the darkness as they scanned the small town before turning to the wild woods of the Everfree Forest.

First off, this is a decent hook, but let me tackle some grammatical errors. Firstly, that comma after glowing feels unnatural, even if it might be technically correct, and secondly, shone would be the word you would want to use. That being said you could restructure this paragraph to be more interesting.

How does "I sat on top of a solitary hill on the edge of Ponyville. My red eyes pierced the dim moonlight as I scanned the town before I turned my attention towards the ever mysterious Everfree and took off, flying parallel to the treeline," sound to you? I also combined the first sentence of the next paragraph into this one, as I think it fits better there.

The very next paragraph has about three different ideas that it's trying to get across. The first is the idea of Scootaloo hiding her vampire features during the day, then introduces the consequences of what could happen if she's discovered, then introduces the concept of crimsoning. The first two ideas play naturally with each other and would work pretty well as either a single paragraph, or as multiple, but the introduction of crimsoning deserves a paragraph of its own.

Another issue is that you start directly addressing the audience, which can work in some stories, but I think it just prevents the audience from really immersing themselves into the story.

The two chapters you have I think really need to be at least five. One chapter showing Scootaloo's hunt, which could put us into her mind for a while, and even show us some of her more uncomfortable thoughts. The second chapter could be the start of the school day, and a scene of Tiara and Spoon toeing the line, possibly even unintentionally. Chapter three could be the duo doubling down on their previous transgressions against the CMC and eventually destroying the line, which would cause Scootaloo to crimson, and in place of seeing what she does, we could get a flashback to the last time this happened, as her brain retreads the trauma and we get to see her kill her mother or something else horrific. Then we could get a chapter of the consequences, and Scoots adjusting to the cell, getting a few words in with Sweetie Belle before both Scootaloo and the audience are told about what happened. The next chapter could be the beginning of her exile, while Sweetie could sneak off from time to time to meet up with her.

Like I said, this feels like a summary. I want to be invested in these characters, but it's difficult to do so when there isn't much of a story, as much as there is a list of things that happen.

[Void Streak]

11450983
Thanks for the advice and I will consider making some changes. I also do like how you changed that first paragraph. If you don't mind, could I actually implement it into the first paragraph?

[The Spy of the Tiger]

11453346
Yeah sure, go right ahead and use those suggestions. I'll come back in a few days and see what's changed.