The Immortal

by Beats-Box

In the end

Earth, in the not too distant future

Throughout history there have been many tales of great men, what most fail to realize is that many of these tales were of but a single man. He had been given many names over the centuries; Adam, Heracles, Leonidas, Jesus, Constantine, Leonardo, Shakespeare, Washington, Beethoven, and Einstein, to name a few. He was an immortal, a god bound to the earth, cursed so that he would never die, no matter the injury or his age. All he could do was forever walk the Earth and watch as all that he had ever cared about died when he never could.

He had been called a hero, a demon, a monster, even a savior. But he was no hero, no savior; he felt that he did not deserve these titles, because he had failed to save any who truly deserved it.

Now was no different, millions of lives lost over trivial matters, lost because of something that he had created. The world was at war with itself over nothing more than ancient fossilized creatures. One country was using weapons of unspeakable terror and evil, a country that he had helped found.

This war lasted decades at the cost of billions of lives. Eventually humans had died out, killed by their own greed. And even though he had tried to save the innocent creatures many of them had died out along with humans.

He had spent the next few centuries to prepare the earth for its new rulers, whatever species they may be. His magic helped him with this nearly impossible feat by growing plants and purifying the water. He even used this opportunity to recreate some of the more magical species that had died out. These had included ones that he had killed himself, such as dragons, manticores, and even hydras, and others that had been hunted into extinction by humans, like unicorns, pegasai, and gryphons.

Once he was satisfied that the earth would survive for millennia without him he left all that he had created, even his only companion a creature created by combining a pegasus and a unicorn, he had called this new species an alicorn. He imprisoned himself in a cave vowing only to leave if one truly needed him until then he would sleep. Little did he know that it
would take millennia before he would awaken.

“Ahhhhhh!” A scream had awoken him from his sleep. Someone was in danger and they were intelligent. The scream had come from the other side of the rock wall, he needed to gather power before he could break through to help.

He broke through in time to see six little multi-coloured horses walking away from what looked like a rock slide, only they were too small and cute to be called anything but ponies. And they weren’t all horses two were unicorns and another two were pegasai. But there was something wrong, it was almost as if some kind of dark magic was following them waiting to hurt them.

He could not let anything harm these innocent ponies. He decided to follow them and step in if anything truly dangerous happened.

“GGGGGRRRRRRROOOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRGGGG!!” That roar was familiar to him but he couldn’t place it until,
“Manticore! We need to get around him.” He heard a voice yell, which was soon accompanied by others. The voices were obviously female but how anything could speak English was a complete mystery to him. All others that could even process human language were long dead, he was sure of that.

He ran ahead to where he had heard the voices in time to see one of the pegasai being held and roared at by the manticore. This had made him angry until he saw that the manticore was thanking her for removing a thorn from his paw.

“How did you know about the thorn?” the purple unicorn asked the pegasus. ‘So these ponies were the ones who were talking.’ He was still bewildered on how they knew English. The language had died centuries before he went to sleep and he still didn’t know how long he was asleep.

“I didn’t, sometimes we all just need a little kindness-ess. Eeep.” She had seen him and it appeared that she was quite frightened. He understood why, his hair did not stop growing while he was asleep. Both the hair on his head and his beard easily reached the ground, giving him the appearance of a beast.

The other ponies didn’t seem to anticipate the appearance of this hair covered giant. “What is it?” The rainbow haired pegasus asked.

“Ah shucks, I don’t know shugah.”

“Well then, why don’t we just ask him?” The pink one inquired.

“Pinkie, it probably doesn’t understand what we’re saying.”

“…..” He tried to speak but nothing came out, it seemed that he had lost his ability to speak while he was asleep. But he kept trying any way.

“Good heavens, what is it doing?” The other unicorn asked, as seeing him hold his neck while gasping was quite unexpected to the ponies.

After a few moments of trying he dropped to his knees and slumped over feeling defeated. Then the yellow pegasus walked over to him.

“Fluttershy!” the rest of the ponies called out concerned for their friend.

“It’s okay” the pegasus known as Fluttershy told him as she got close. It was clear that she was trying to comfort him. She started to pet him with her hoof to reassure him, and she looked lovingly in to his deep blue eyes. What he did next surprised even him, he took Fluttershy in his arms and held her there while he cried into her mane.

“There, there, it’s okay” she told him in the softest voice he had ever heard.

After he was finished crying he wanted to thank this pony for her kindness. “.…ank…..ou….” he managed to say barely loud enough for her to hear, but she seemed to understand all the same.

“Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked him as he was letting her down.

He nodded.

“Do you want to come with us?” He nodded again, while whipping his eye.

“What!?” The purple one almost screamed.

“Fluttershy, you can’t think that it’ll okay to bring an animal that we know nothing about to fight Nightmare Moon!”

“It will be okay, he’s nice, he wants to protect us, I could see it in his eyes.”

He nodded his head again agreeing with Fluttershy.

“But we know nothing about it” The other pegasus commented.

Turning back to him, Fluttershy asked “If we let you come with us, do you promise to tell us about yourself when you’re able to?”

He was nodding his head enthusiastically.

Hello everypony and thank you for reading my story if you have any ideas to make it better please don't hesitate to tell me

Comments

[Bronzedragon]

Glad to see this here I've been following it on fanfic. To all who see this, read on, it's worth it.

[Emerald Zweihander]

Good to see a writer with a head full of ideas!
Keep doing awsome!

[Journeyman]

Okay, first chapter. Three things need work.

The first is you need to format your story. Several paragraphs are clumped together and it becomes difficult to rad after long intervals. Granted, this is short, but still, it's good form to do so. Please, double space. No matter how short the pargraph is, even if only one sentence, please double space.

The second is this progresses really really fast. An entire world rises and falls before the intro is done. That's a lot of heavy stuff to go through. The problem steams into my third point.

I'm going to call this dude Chaken. We don't really know much about Chaken. Being only the first chapter, I'm not too picky, but recall point two. Chaken goes through a lot of stuff and, because we don't know the guy and can't get in his head, the events that occur to him don't hold much emotional weight. It's hard to identify with Chaken's trials if we can't get in his head. On another note, Chaken's abilities are very vague. This harms the story more than helps due to the entire world is created through his machinations. Plus, he has magic? How did he get that? That's important stuff to establish.

Oh, one more note. Put an Alternate Universe tag; you're tampering with events that are clearly not in the show.

[Child of chaos]

Neat story it okay just a doesn't have detail

[Child of chaos]

Good work thought for the idea