Paper Bowser: The Saga. The Epic. The Adventure!

by Darkevony

Prologue: A Plea from the Stars...?

I'm going to tell the story of "Star Spirits and Good Wishes".
Far, far away, beyond the sky, way above the clouds, it's been said that
there's a haven where the Stars live.

In the sanctuary of Star Haven there rests a fable treasure called the Star Rod,
which has the power to grant all wishes.
Using this wondrous Star Rod, the seven revered Star Spirits watched over our
peaceful world carefully...very carefully.

And then...
Oh dear...What the...?
Who stuck that weird thing into this story?

"It was me! I did! To take the Star Rod for myself so I can at long last beat that pesky red plumber once and for all!"

Bowser?! No! You mustn't remove the Star Rod! The goodwill and wishes of everyone will not be met otherwise!

"You say that like I care! Where have MY wishes gone then, after so many years?!"

Your wishes were vile, and evil. They were full of greed and filled with wanting to see others miserable, especially Mario. We could not grant your wishes even if we wanted to!

"Then I'll grant my own wishes! Kammy! Do your worst!"

"Keke, already on it Lord Bowser!"

With the Star Spirits distracted by Kammy's magic, Bowser turned to the now defenseless artifact of indescribable power. From the deep inner reaches of his stomach, he let out a powerful fire breath with everything he had, breaking the force field around it entirely and giving way to a now-damaged rod.

Wait, what's wrong with the Star Rod?! Oh no! Bowser, whatever you do, DON'T use it...

"Oh please, what do you take me for, an idiot? You think I'd let this perfectly good chance at finally beating Mario slip?! Gwahahahaha! Never!

"Er, wait your Highness! I think he's right. The Star Rod seems to be shattered."

"Oh please, not you too you crazy old bat. This is my moment! And MY win. Nothing is gonna stop me now!"

The very space around Bowser and Kammy began to shift and bend as the energies of the Star Rod exploded out of it in rapid succession, becoming brighter and brighter until they could see nothing but the darkness of their own dreams.

---

"Oh man, my head is killing me. It feels like I got a Mega Jump to the noggin'. I'd kill for some Jelly Ultra right about now." Groaned Bowser as he rubbed at his head near his horns, talking to himself like some weirdo. Like some crazy, freaky turtle. Like some half-baked, out of his mind reptile. Like-

"Groah! I get it already. Stop, you're making my head hurt more." He said as he finally pushed himself off the ground, not realizing that I've been waiting an ungodly amount of time for him to awake.

"Cut me some slack, okay? It's not everyday I black out and wake up who knows where." He said looking around pensively with a claw to his chin in thought. But you know, you'd think he'd be used to it by now since it's every other day that he blacks out thanks to getting beat up by Mario. He's growling his discontent right now because he knows it's true.

"Gah, whatever, where is that old bat anyways?" He asked no one in particular. Unless he was asking me. Because if that was the case, I could've easily told him that Kammy Koopa was sprawled all over the ground, still out of her gourd and seeing star kids swirl around her right underneath him.

"Kammy! Wake up already." He said as he stomped the ground with one very powerful stomp, sending the senile koot up into the air a few inches only to have a rude awakening as she came back down.

"Yes! I'm awake. I swear I wasn't watching those TV dramas late last night again!" She said a little too honestly, not realizing what had happened. "Hmm? Lord Bowser? You came to wake me up personally? How nice of you. You haven't done this since you were in your nappies."

"Get a grip Kammy, look around you. What's the last thing you remember?"

It took her quite a while and a bit of searching around the marbled interior of some grand palace corridor that they had crash landed through the window from for her to realize that, indeed, something had gone amiss.

"The Star Rod! See, this is exactly what I warned you about Lord Bowser. You know, you really should listen to me more often. You're as impulsive as when you were a kid and this is why we got our bottom rounds kicked by all manner of Yoshi back in the da-"

"Kammy! Focus!!" He stomped again, sending her jumping. "Where in the Star Havens are we? I don't see any of the Mushroom Kingdom's freaky looking hills. In fact, I don't recognize this place at all!" He crossed his arms, shut his eyes and tilted his head like he was thinking in a pensive manner, if he was even capable of that. I'm not picking up any form of thought on my end, so he must just be doing this to keep up appearances.

"Ehm, let's see here." She looked out of the window and spent a good bit of time looking into the bright pastel-colored hills, the unusually round fluffy clouds, and the inconceivably lush greens of the trees. None with eyes on them. How strange. "Doesn't look like the Beanbean Kingdom. Not Sarasaland. Too clean to be Rogueport. Err, can't be Waffle or Dry Dry Kingdom either... Welp, I got nothing." She said as she threw up her claws to shrug.

"Useless, I swear." he mumbled underneath his breath like he was one to talk.

"Sister..."

"Yes, I know. Don't let your guard down." Said two voices from the opposite ends of the halls that the O' so magnifcent Lord Bowser had somehow glossed over almost that entire time.

"Huh? What? Where???" Both Bowser and Kammy turned to look at the two alicorns that had their horns readied against him. "Kammy, what are these things?" He asked, yet again leaving the heavy thinking to the aged witch.

"It appears that they're ponies, Lord Bowser."

"Er, Yoshi's?"

"No. Ponies, my Lord."

"What kind creature is that?"

"The kind you've ridden before at the Superstar tournaments against Mario and co, remember? Honestly, I can't tell which one of us is more senile. I worry for whenever you reach my age, Lord Bowser." Yeah you tell him Madam Kammy.

"And what age would that be, 5,000?" The big oaf chuckled to himself.

Before Kammy could retort, the horns of the two Alicorns had lit up as they prepared a spell.

"State your intentions! Though I can see that they are no good." The white one with the pastel rainbowed mane said.

"You rude little animal. You should be bowing down to Lord Bowser!" The wonderful Kammy Koopa said as she screeched back, preparing her own spell and summoning a Block to send their way, only to be shot out of the air by the dark blue alicorn with a mane like a night sky. "Drat. It seems they're quite powerful Lord Bowser. I don't know if I can match their magic.

"Whatever, they're just some ponies. I should be enough to handle these sorry louts!" He sucked up the air in front of him, only to belch out a dense fire their way. As the flames cleared, the two mares remained standing completely unharmed from a protective barrier from the white one, following it up with an attack spell that sent the tubby, out of shape lizard to his belly defeated.

"Oof. They were tougher than I thought."

"Submit now or we will be forced to use the Elements of Harmony to imprison you." The white one said.

Lord Bowser stood up again with defiance. If I have to give him credit for anything, it's his ability to bounce back after getting trounced over and over again. He's a real professional at being defeated in just about everything he does. A true class B villain, temper tantrums and all as he's stomping his foot right now and sending everything in the vicinity shaking to the ground.

"If it's not Mario, it's just some ponies?! I'm the King of Koopas! Just why. Can't. I. WIN." His angered stomping was causing shockwaves all through the palace, further breaking the remaining windows and even cracking the marble flooring. It was a tantrum for the ages. "Argh, that's it! He pulled out the broken Star Rod, drained of its power, and held it up to the sky with one claw, looking at it with fury. "I will have you work whether you like it or not!"

As he had said it, the rod suddenly began to suck in the very air around it as though it were suctioning all of the ambient power from the air.

"Lord Bowser! It's incredible! The Star Rod's innate power to fuel itself off of the wishes and dreams of its citizens... this place is full of those types of creatures. It seems these ponies are an especially powerful source at that too!"

"Sister, that thing... its magic is off the charts and climbing. We have to use them!" The dark blue one yelled out to the white one as a rushing of energy was twirling and surging around the star-shaped rod in Bowser's grasp.

The white alicorn was seemingly hesitating. She did not want to have to banish anyone if she didn't need to, but they were being left little choice. She magically produced six accessories that began to encircle the two mares and glow brighter and brighter.

"Lord Bowser! I think we're in a tight spot. If we use the rod, something crazy might happen again. If we don't... I think we're gonna get blasted!" Kammy was beside herself.

In the precious seconds that followed, Lord Bowser had not been fast enough to think of an appropriate answer, ultimately making the tough decision of using the Star Rod as a shield when the attack that the ponies were casting shot off towards him. Well, call it dumb luck or whatever, but I think that's the kind of fixer upper the wand needed at that point in time as the light of their spell gave way to a freshly minted Star Rod, straight off the press.

Not just that, but also a very shiny, equally as ugly looking Bowser as he was engulfed by the rainbow lights of the Star Rod's protective energy and strengthening his power tenfold.

"Oh yeah. Now that feels good! GWAHAHAHAHA!!!" He roared in his cruel excitement, a quite deafening roar indeed. Did he really need to yell? We'll let it pass this time, since Bowser has been taking quite the stinky L for a very long time. He was definitely not winning any favors with the ladies in the room, as poor Madam Kammy had a hard time regaining herself after that shout. Also, Bowser really hadn't done much at all with the Star Rod's power except protect himself, and already the two alicorns were sprawled across the floor, defeated.

"My... little ponies... will stop you three..." The white one weakly said our way.

"Too bad I'm unstoppable now!" Lord Bowser laughed and laughed until his blood pressure rose too high for him to continue laughing anymore, getting a mighty scolding from Kammy in return.

Quite typical of Lord Bowser if I might add. He's never really played fair at any point in his life. Using and abusing his henchmen, creating all sorts of devious tricks to impede the hero's path, and generally just cheating his way through life. It was no surprise why he had failed in spectacular fashion so many times before. And maybe this would shut him up about always losing for good. Though we highly doubt that. He has quite the large mouth. Literally.

"I can feel the overwhelming power of the Star Rod increasing. Oh I have so many wishes to grant myself, and no Mario in sight to foil any of them. Kammy! Where's my castle?"

"Not here, Lord Bowser. My magic isn't picking up any signs of our castle or our legion anywhere." She said as she swished her wand around.

"Then I guess I know what my first wish is. Time to call in a few friends."

Oh dear. It seems I have to do a bit of travel now.

---

It had been a time of jubilant celebration for the citizens of Ponyville as they were all gathered for a festival hosted by Sweet Apple Acres. Little did these ponies know that very obnoxious times were blowing downwind from Canterlot castle. A particular group of friends were gathered at a table as they talked about nothing actually important, like the simpletons they were.

"Huh? Who said that?" A studious looking bookworm said as she pointed her purple gaze towards the sky. This unicorn mare was highly observant, and if she had, had any suspicions of the calamity awaiting them, she would've been able to easily spot the source of the noise had it not been for a particularly pink pony who had been waiting the entire time to decorate her face with pastries as soon as she let her guard down. "Umm... hello? What are you talkin-" She said as she was rudely interrupted by the whipcream surprise.

"Lighten up Twilight! It's a party! You're even starting to talk to yourself." Laugh-snorted the party animal.

"Pinkie! Oooooh, now's not the time for this. It's so weird. It feels like someone is talking about us."

"Oh, oh! I feel that all the time. It's perfectly normal!"

"For you maybe, but I could've sworn I felt a presence somewhere around here looking at us..."

"C'mon sugarcube, I think Pinkie is right. You need to relax some. Nothin' is gonna happen while the elements are away from us in Princess Celestia's care."

"Yeah, yeah... I understand. Just routine maintenance. Why all-powerful magical relics need such a thing is beyond me, but it should be fine. It's just for today. Noooooothing bad can happen right about now." She said as she looked around nervously.

Look at it my way folks, it was like she was trying to set up the punchline to perfect timing as from a distance, the sight of Canterlot castle was filled in a bright, blinding light. What followed was an echoing explosion that sent its shockwave passing through the ground like one strong gust of wind, sending every pony onto the floor and me holding onto dear life on a nearby tree. The sounds delayed a bit in reaching everyone, but in doing so they could also hear the loud cracking of massive boulders as though the entire mountain-side had collapsed.

Of course, that isn't what happened, but it could very well happen at any moment now as the mountain was left with a very obvious and very dented scar like some big'un had taken quite the chomp out of it. The whole city itself was a bit ways above where its normal position had been, levitating off the ground entirely on top of another, enormous castle.

A castle in the ugly shape of an ugly face from an ugly guy. An evil looking castle that no doubt screamed "Look, it's another calamity ready to strike at Equestria again." in bold lettering. Sure enough, now the ponies were left slack-jawed like buffoons. It's actually kinda satisfying seeing someone get their immediate comeuppance for setting up redflags so recklessly.

Sigh. But now that the fun is over, I gotta go do my job. The work is fine, but the commute is killing me... Until next time!

Or wait, I can't just end it like that...

I mean, you're probably wondering right? How do I get away with being so rude and crude to the "most marvelous of all evil regents", our Lord Bowser? The answer is actually quite simple. In fact, I'll turn it around on you. Who else is gonna do my job? You're not gonna see him documenting squat except for what's on his personal diary. Hmm. Maybe we should go read that at some point.

Point is, my job is important see? I've always been there, since day one. Me and my trusty camera. The eye on the sky and giving off my golden commentary. I'm unfireable.

Or at least, I hope I am. Literally. If the power gets to Lord Bowser's head, I might actually get set on fire. Okay, I think I'll have to be nicer to him from now on.

If some other Lakitu take's my place, pray some good wishes my way... or don't! You'll just make Bowser stronger.