The New Daughter

by Diamond Sparkle

The Accident

Swift Climb's horn glowed softly as he tapped another iron brace into the side of El Chevalier. From when he was a young foal he had deeply envied the pegusai with their ability to soar upon the winds. Since as a unicorn he could not fly, he had taken up the profession of mountain climbing, and a job as a waiter at a bar frequented by pegusai so that he could overhear their flight stories.

He well understood the possible dangers;even in the best possible weather a slip in the wrong place could lead to a painful death upon the rocks down below. He also knew that for years now El Chevalier had been closed to climbers due to the danger of dislodged rocks falling upon other ponies down below. The Princesses had decided that whilst they had nothing against mountain climbers risking life and limb it was another thing entirely when their actions put everypony down below in danger. As such he was on his own here; there was no pegusai rescue service for those who fell as there was at many other mountains. Yet the desire to scale one of the few mountains he had not yet climbed was too strong.

Down below Miss Cherrilee gently shepherded her class off the train. For the annual school trip this year she had taken her class to see El Chevalier and the edge of the Everfree Forest, preserved as a national park at least partly because it was dangerous for anypony to live here in the long term. "Alright, everypony listen up. Nopony is to enter the forest, it's just not safe. That means you, Cutie Mark Crusaders."

Apple Bloom sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.

"I may seem to be a killjoy to you, but I'd really rather not have to explain to your parents how you vanished down the throat of a hydra or were eaten by a serpent because you decided to try and get an explorer's cutie mark. The other rules are...don't feed the animals if you see any and do not, whatever you do, take a parasprite home with you. Those things multiply like crazy and are a menace in the civilized areas. Here their predators keep them in check. Let's go."

As the class set out along the base of El Chevalier, far up above the hooves of Swift Climb dislodged a rock which began to bounce down the mountain.

Diamond Tiara sighed quietly in annoyance and thought with a mind somewhat sleepy from the hot sun. I'd much rather be out shopping or alone chatting to Silver Spoon or being fussed over and cuddled by Daddy. And instead I am forced to walk along a nature trail near a scary forest and share my space with blank flanks. What's that banging from up there? OH, BUCK!

Silver Spoon screamed as a huge rock smashed into Diamond's head, smashing her to the ground. Cherrilee stared in horror at what no amount of teaching could prepare her for. "Snips, Snails, run to the Ranger Station and get them to send an air ambulance. Hurry! Everybody else, keep a lookout for any more falling rocks and keep well back from the mountain." Soon enough four pegasui flew down carrying a large stretcher. Diamond Tiara was strapped to it and it took off quickly into the sky in the direction of Ponyville General Hospital leaving a very shocked class and a sobbing Silver Spoon behind.

*****
Filthy Rich was in his boardroom looking at the latest reports of his Barnyard Bargains business when one of his most liked and trusted stallions, Cook Books, came in, and he didn't look at all happy. What can be wrong? Are the workers out on strike...again? Has some investigator in the Equestrian Tax Inspectorate found out about my secret overseas bank account? "What's wrong, Cook? Don't worry, whatever it is I'm not going to sack you."

"Your daughter is in the hospital...and they say she's dying and won't last the night."

"WHAT? Call my coach, I'll be there as quickly as I can."

When he got there he was shown by Nurse Healall to where his daughter lay in bed, her purple fur faded in color to a light pink and the sheen gone from her cutie mark. "Daddy..." Her voice was so quiet that he had to put his ear next to her mouth. "A rock...broke my neck. Don't have me revived, I don't want to live on like this, unable to move from the neck down. Find...find a changeling to take my place so nobody knows about it, least of all Mummy and Silver Spoon. Bury me secretly in the Rich family tomb, and love the changeling like you loved me. Tell the nurses you want to take me home for my last hours and that I'm sleeping. Goodbye...Daddy, I've always loved you." Diamond closed her eyes and her body went slack. When they were really seriously hurt and genuinely wanted to die,as Filthy now remembered, ponies had the ability to will themselves to die and pass on to whatever afterlife awaited them. Filthy reached out with a hoof and closed his daughter's eyes and then burst into tears and stayed a long time with his daughter's body, before he decided to do what his daughter had asked.

About a year ago on a business trip to Manehatten he had discovered a rather unhappy showmare by the name of Trixie Lulamoon, who was now reduced to the magical equivalent of busking to earn a few bits. Impressed by the quality of her magic, he had taken her onto his payroll as his magician to amuse him, his family and his workers. Whilst her salary was low, it did have the advantage of being constant, and he had found her somewhere to live as well. Now he had her summoned to his private study. "Trixie, what I am about to say must not be told to anypony. I want you to seek out a Changeling and persuade it to come to see me. I know that since the attack on the royal wedding a magical force shield now protects Equestria from the Changeling threat, but it is weak because of the length it has to cover and acts more as a warning beacon then anything else. A great and powerful user of magic like you could easily open a small hole in it and fly into the Changeling lands. You have a week to do so, find a willing Changeling and come back with it."

Trixie stared at him. "But Sir...Mr Rich, what you want me to do is both highly dangerous and highly illegal. If the Changelings don't kill me or overpower me and hang me up in a cocoon, then if the Royal Guard get me I'll do hard time in Foalsom Prison for it."

"Do what I say, and I'll make you an executive with an executive's salary to match. Refuse and you'll be back to sleeping on the streets and busking for a living. Here is a first class train pass to make travel easier. Oh, and if you fail, you're on your own."

"Yes Sir, I'll do what you want, Sir."

It was a night and a day of traveling before Trixie reached the border with the Changeling Queendom, dimly seen through the pink force shield. Here and there on both sides were occasional patrols keeping a watch on what was going on. Trixie's skilled eye noticed that as Mr Rich had said, the force field was relatively weak, as it had so much ground to cover. She managed to hide under a copse of trees as a guard patrol of four Royal Guard pegasui flew by. With a few words of magic she passed through it leaving no trace and entered the Changeling Queendom. Which at least in this area, looked a lot like Equestria except for the large Hive in the far distance. This far away from it, she could not make out any details except that it appeared to be made of stone. Even this far out, there were watchful sentries and one noticed her, flew down and landed.

"If you are a fellow Changeling, change to your true form. If not, you will regret you ever entered here."

Trixie replied "I...I'm a pony with an offer, a really good one. My employer wants you to come to Equestria, and he will pay you well for whatever he has in mind. Yes, you can summon your friends, overpower me and go on living this dull life of sentry duty, or you can have an adventure."

The Changeling hesitated, and then nodded. "I will trust you, but if this is a set-up, you will feel my fangs." When she helped it through the force field it changed into a rather dumpy brown unicorn with a scroll for a cutie mark. When she reached Mr Rich's mansion and ushered the Changeling inside Filthy Rich beckoned for her to leave the room and the Changeling took on it's true shape.

"My daughter...my princess, died not long ago on a school trip and, I want you to take on her shape and take her place so my wife and my daughter's friends do not find out that she died. You will be paid my daughter's pocket money in bits, a large amount, plus you will live in my mansion and get all the love you can eat. All you have to do in return is be a sweet daughter. I have pictures of her, and her diary, and will help you with whatever you need to pass as her. And of course your secret is safe with me. Only I and the pony who brought you here know who you really are." He passed her a picture of Diamond Tiara and her diary, the lock having been crow barred off. The Changeling turned into Diamond Tiara in seconds and he hugged her and planted a kiss on her forehead. It smiled as it felt a rich father-daughter love filling it's stomach."Daddy?" it asked in Diamond's most dulcet tones, that she used when she was asking for something. "Would you really be willing to accept me as your daughter, even knowing who I am?"

"Yes, I would, Princess. Now go away and study so that you can be the best possible Diamond for me and Mummy."

By the time Screwball Rich came back from meeting her relatives in Stalliongrad Diamond's body had been secretly placed in the family tomb by Filthy and the new Diamond acted just like the old one. And for months the new Diamond had everything she wanted...money, status, Silver Spoon's friendship and as much love from her parents as she could feed on. But as time went on seperated from the Hive, a biological call within her grew louder and louder, a call to create a new hive, until finally she could hold it no further, and decided that Silver Spoon was to be her first new convert.
"

Comments

[Scootablue]

Diamond's last thoughts is that she wants her father to replace her with a Changeling after she dies. Wut.

[Garbo]

Although the concept was good, The writing style was a little lacking, and some of the characters were very out of character at points.
But I'll give you credit for the idea.

[TeXXy]

After Diamond Tiara is tragically killed in a freak accident on a school trip

You heartless bastard. I know, we all hate her, but she died. Be nice.

Swift Climb's horn glowed softly as he tapped another iron brace into the side of El Chevalier. From when he was a young foal he had deeply envied the pegusai with their ability to soar upon the winds. Since as a unicorn he could not fly, he had taken up the profession of mountain climbing, and a job as a waiter at a bar frequented by pegusai so that he could overhear their flight stories.

How would a horn glow any other way then softly? It's not going to glow hardcore. That just sounds stupid.
Nobody knows what 'El Chevalier' is.
How does a horse climb a mountain? How does that even become a profession? Unless he's an explorer of some kind, he's not going to get paid to climb mountains.
You misspelled 'pegasi' twice.

He well understood the possible dangers;even in the best possible weather a slip in the wrong place could lead to a painful death upon the rocks down below. He also knew that for years now El Chevalier had been closed to climbers due to the danger of dislodged rocks falling upon other ponies down below. The Princesses had decided that whilst they had nothing against mountain climbers risking life and limb it was another thing entirely when their actions put everypony down below in danger. As such he was on his own here; there was no pegusai rescue service for those who fell as there was at many other mountains. Yet the desire to scale one of the few mountains he had not yet climbed was too strong

'He understood'
Do you even know what a semicolon is for?
'Everypony down below'? How big are these mountains, and how long are the ponies watching for?
'As such he was on his own here'
This doesn't even fit into the context of the paragraph. What are you doing?
Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi.
'Although, his burning desire to scale an untouched mountain was spreading throughout his mind, day by day.'

Down below Miss Cherrilee gently shepherded her class off the train. For the annual school trip this year she had taken her class to see El Chevalier and the edge of the Everfree Forest, preserved as a national park at least partly because it was dangerous for anypony to live here in the long term. "Alright, everypony listen up. Nopony is to enter the forest, it's just not safe. That means you, Cutie Mark Crusaders."

You changed tenses here. Quit it.
Yes, I'm sure looking at nature - especially the Everfree, where vicious creatures lurk - is totally in the Equestrian School Curriculum. Also, it's getting more and more obivous that El Chevalier is a mountain, but you could have specified earlier.
Cheerilee is out of character. She's a teacher, not a drill instructor.
Why only partly? The Everfree is dangerous and shouldn't have anypony living inside it, anywhere. Except Zecora, she's one bad motherfucker. I digress. Normal pones shouldn't be able to enter without special privileges, it's dangerous as fuck.

Apple Bloom sighed loudly and rolled her eyes.

"I may seem to be a killjoy to you, but I'd really rather not have to explain to your parents how you vanished down the throat of a hydra or were eaten by a serpent because you decided to try and get an explorer's cutie mark. The other rules are...don't feed the animals if you see any and do not, whatever you do, take a parasprite home with you. Those things multiply like crazy and are a menace in the civilized areas. Here their predators keep them in check. Let's go."

'Applebloom released an audible sigh, followed by a roll of the eyes'.
She's not even in character. That's something Scootaloo might do.
Yeah, okay, talking about brutal death totally won't scar those kids. Great thinking, Cheerilee.
That's also a great idea! Take them into the forest full of vicious creatures, each of which whom have a passion to kill talking horses.

I haven't got the time to finish editing each paragraph, the errors continue in that same pattern, characters out of character, dumb plot development, plot holes, tense changes, the list goes on.
Your grammar is atrocious - worse than mine. That's saying a lot, although I'm fine with capitalization and spelling, my punctuation, formatting, etc. is way off.

-TeXXy, FCR member.
"I think I see a barrage of snowballs..."
(This isn't a rip off of TWE, we swear!)

[ThisIsMe95R]

I don't want to upset you but,

whatever you do, take a parasprite

Cheerilee wants them to take a parasprite home?