I am pleased I joined here and hope to rp on YM with someone.
After Diamond Tiara is tragically killed in a freak accident on a school trip, wanting to keep this from his wife Screwball in case it sends her into insanity, Filthy Rich does a deal with a Changeling to gain a replacement daughter. But things do not go according to plan, as the Changeling has it's own needs...
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Diamond Tiara dead?
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/6/4/MK_6js9g20m3KPx2kav2TQ2.gif
And now her father made a deal with CHANGELINGS?!
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Diamond's last thoughts is that she wants her father to replace her with a Changeling after she dies. Wut.
I really don't see what everyone's wutting about. I was more "Wut" when i read the description and saw that Filthy was married to Screwball.
Although the concept was good, The writing style was a little lacking, and some of the characters were very out of character at points.
But I'll give you credit for the idea.
Why the sad label? no one likes diamond tiara
You heartless bastard. I know, we all hate her, but she died. Be nice.
How would a horn glow any other way then softly? It's not going to glow hardcore. That just sounds stupid.
Nobody knows what 'El Chevalier' is.
How does a horse climb a mountain? How does that even become a profession? Unless he's an explorer of some kind, he's not going to get paid to climb mountains.
You misspelled 'pegasi' twice.
'He understood'
Do you even know what a semicolon is for?
'Everypony down below'? How big are these mountains, and how long are the ponies watching for?
'As such he was on his own here'
This doesn't even fit into the context of the paragraph. What are you doing?
Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi. Pegasi.
'Although, his burning desire to scale an untouched mountain was spreading throughout his mind, day by day.'
You changed tenses here. Quit it.
Yes, I'm sure looking at nature - especially the Everfree, where vicious creatures lurk - is totally in the Equestrian School Curriculum. Also, it's getting more and more obivous that El Chevalier is a mountain, but you could have specified earlier.
Cheerilee is out of character. She's a teacher, not a drill instructor.
Why only partly? The Everfree is dangerous and shouldn't have anypony living inside it, anywhere. Except Zecora, she's one bad motherfucker. I digress. Normal pones shouldn't be able to enter without special privileges, it's dangerous as fuck.
'Applebloom released an audible sigh, followed by a roll of the eyes'.
She's not even in character. That's something Scootaloo might do.
Yeah, okay, talking about brutal death totally won't scar those kids. Great thinking, Cheerilee.
That's also a great idea! Take them into the forest full of vicious creatures, each of which whom have a passion to kill talking horses.
I haven't got the time to finish editing each paragraph, the errors continue in that same pattern, characters out of character, dumb plot development, plot holes, tense changes, the list goes on.
Your grammar is atrocious - worse than mine. That's saying a lot, although I'm fine with capitalization and spelling, my punctuation, formatting, etc. is way off.
-TeXXy, FCR member.
"I think I see a barrage of snowballs..."
(This isn't a rip off of TWE, we swear!)
It has that mindbuck style sad feeling too it while still feeding off of Diamond Tiara's inner evil...even her as a changeling.... love this!!!!
...
*sighs* The problem with this, is it just all...comes out of NOWHERE. It feels like...well, it feels like the characters are just puppets on a string. You're not establishing anything, not setting things up. Things just HAPPEN.
Essentially, as a coherant story, it collapses right around the "OH BUCK".
1316178
pls go 5ever
A bit strange, and especially in the second chapter, everything goes far too fast, but I think something good can come out of this.
1316178
Smudboy, can you just scan Mass Effect 2 and Deus Ex again? Doing this on Fanfictions is a bit harsh.
(The joke? TEH JOKE)
I don't want to upset you but,
Cheerilee wants them to take a parasprite home?
1319373 Typo, edited.
your concept as a story is great and I was looking forward to reading it.
But your execution is sadly lacking. and I found myself disappointed as soon as Diamond died. I stuck with it and read both chapters to see if it would improve. I'm sorry that it didn't.
Your story is rushed, your details are non-existent and there is little to nothing in terms plot or character development.
It's all cold and brief details, no interaction between characters.
Diamond just decided her dad should find a changeling? she willed herself to die? Rich decided to go along with it so readily? Trixie found one so easily?
the whole reason for finding a changeling; so that the Rich family -her mother especially- wouldn't have to suffer losing her. that detail of the plot never comes up again?
seeing some interaction between changeling-Diamond and her parents or her friends and even the CMC's would improve it, add depth to the story. Surely the changeling couldn't get all the information it needed from a diary, so it would have a big fitting in period. there should always be that tension brought from the danger of discovery.
the story could have been so much better.
3588353 Hey, at least you liked the basic idea.