The Random Establishment

by wacarb

Billy Finds A Filly

“Why, hello there.”

“I said, HELLO THERE”

“Oh! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you.”

“Of course you didn’t see me Billy. I’m not even here.”

“Excuse me, sir?”

“Geez Billy, be quiet. I’m trying to explain the situation to you.”

“Oh! Sorry sir.”

“WHAT DID I JUST SAY, BILLY?!”

“....”

“Well done, Billy. You’re a slow leaner, but you learnt all the same.”

“Thank you, sir”

“Damn it, Billy, shut up. Ahem. NOW! Today is your lucky day Billy. I just happened to be passing through when I saw that you were down in the dumps.”

“You can speak again now, Billy.”

“Why yes sir. I am having rather a lot of trouble right now. I would really appreciate any help you could give me.”

“Don’t worry, Billy, that’s just what a swell guy like me is here to do. I sure am a nice dude, right Billy?”

“Oh yes, sir.”

“DAMN RIGHT I AM! Now, before I can help you, you need to tell what it is that has gotten you looking so pathetic like that.”

“You don’t know sir?”

“Of course I don’t know what’s wrong with you, how could I? I only just got here remember Billy? What, did you think I was God or something?”

“Well, it’s just that I can’t see you, but you are talking to me and no one else can hear you so I thought maybe...”

“HAHAHAHAHAHA! REALLY! YOU THOUGHT THAT... HAHAHAHAHAH! OH BILLY; YOU CRACK ME UP! YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT... OH THAT’S JUST TOO MUCH, BILLY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

“I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Upset? I should be flattered. HAHAHAHA! I haven’t laughed like that in a long time, Billy. Not in a very long time.”

“If I may ask, who are you sir?”

“Me? Unimportant; but what IS important is me helping out this poor, ugly, pathetic looking pony I have graciously stumbled across.”

“Thank you so much again, sir.”

“Yes, yes, it’s alright Billy. So; tell me what the problem is.”

“Well, sir. Our school is having a dance, and partners are being encouraged. But gosh, sir, I’m just too shy to ask any of the fillies to go with me.”

“Are you sure it’s that and not that all the fillies find you repulsive?”

“I’m not sure, sir.”

“Let’s just call it a combination of your failings as a colt and everyone finding you to be a boring little pile of poo.”

“Ok then, sir.”

“NOW THEN! Let’s see what we can do about your bad attitude. In order for me to gauge how dumb you are, I need to see you in action.”

“Sounds like a good plan, sir”

“Quit brown nosing, Billy. You see that little filly over there. I want you to go over to her and just try carrying a normal conversation.”

“But she isn’t in my school year sir. She’s one grade lower.”

“Damn it, Billy, do I look like I care about that?”

“I don’t know, sir. I can’t see you.”

“Don’t be difficult Billy. Just do it.”

“Ok then, here I go. Hello.”

“Hi. Who were you talking to just now?”

“You couldn’t hear him?”

“Only you can hear me, Billy”

“I didn’t know that, sir.”

“What?”

“It’s a voice that is talking to me in my head. He’s helping me find a filly for the dance.”

“Oh. Sorry, I have to go... somewhere.”

“I don’t think that went quite well, sir”

“Can I ask you a question Billy?”

“Of course you can, sir.”

“Are you a flaming homosexual?”

“A what, sir?”

“She was practically throwing herself at you, and you turned her away.”

“Are you sure, sir? She seemed rather off put to me.”

“Damn it Billy, couldn’t you feel it. She was practically screaming at you to take her right there.”

“I don’t remember her screaming that, sir. I don’t really remember her screaming anything at all. She just sort of walked off.”

“You’re a detriment to society, Billy.”

“Sorry, sir, I don’t know what that word means.”

"Of course you don’t. That why you don’t have a date for the dance.”

“Is there any hope for me at all, sir?”

“No Billy. You are a boiling wart full of pus and bile and the face of the planet.”

“Oh dear! I don’t want to be a wart, sir.”

“That’s OK Billy, where there’s a will there’s a way.”

“Do I have a will, sir?”

“No Billy, you never will.”

“Bother.”

“Don’t swear Billy. You won’t get any chicks with that attitude.”

“You mean you’ll still help me, sir?”

“Sure I will. I am the greatest being in the world aren’t I?”

“Are you?”

“I AM! Now, do you know what the first thing you should always do after getting rejected is, Billy?”

“No, sir.”

“Why do I bother asking you questions Billy. You’re obviously oblivious. The first thing we do after getting our nuts ripped off is growing a new pair and trying again.”

“What nuts sir?”

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! I CAN’T BELIEVE THE WORDS MY EARS HAVE JUST HEARD! HAHAHAHHAHA! BILLY YOU ARE A RIOT! Anyway, what you need to do is find another filly and talk to her.”

“I’m not sure, sir. I just don’t seem to do very well.”

“No wonder no one likes you Billy. You don’t even like you. I sure don’t like you.”

“Sorry sir.”

“Regardless of how hated you are by every pony in Ponyville, I still don’t believe you are a lost cause. Hang on, here comes another young filly. Go on Billy, have a crack at that plot.”

“Plot, sir?”

“Forget it, just go ask her out.”

“I’m not sure, sir. That’s Hot Rod. She’s kind of a bully to everyone at school.”

“I'll bet she’s good in bed then.”

“Good at sleeping, sir?”

“.... Yes Billy. Good at sleeping.”

“It’s just that I’m afraid to ask her to the dance sir. Last time we spoke she kicked me in the side and stole my lunch money.”

“Get over it Billy. It’s all in the past.”

“It was this morning, sir.”

“Damn it Billy, no one cares about your miniscule problems. Just go ask her to the dance.”

“I’ll try sir.”

“Excuse me Hot Rod.”

“What do you want dweeb. You better not have tattled on me to Cheerilee.”

“Umm, no I didn’t do that.”

“Good, because I’d hate for you to have another accident outside of school again.”

“I swear I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Damn Billy, there are jellyfish with bigger spines than you.”

“Uh”

“Well, spit it out, dork.”

“Hot Rod, I know this may sound strange...”

“Everything you say is strange, blank flank.”

“You see Hot Rod, as you know the school is having a dance, and I was wondering if you would like to go with me.”

“...”

“She seems stunned Billy. Now’s your chance to pounce.”

“WHAT THE HECK?!”

“Oh, sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“Is this some sort of joke?”

“I didn’t mean it to be, it’s just that I was told...”

“Is this a trick to get me in trouble? Oh, I get it. You want to trap me into getting caught by teacher.”

“No! It’s not like that at all.”

“Bail out Billy, I think she’s at that time of the month.”

“You are so gonna get it after school, butt-face. I hope you brought a set of spare teeth.”

“Please don’t hurt me Hot Rod. Can we just forget this ever happened?”

“Too late, loser; I’ll be waiting for you.”

“Ouch, Billy. I get the feeling she doesn’t like you very much.”

“I think I may be in trouble sir.”

“What kind of stupid name is Hot Rod anyway? Sounds really dirty to me; you know what I’m saying Billy?”

“I don’t think so, sir.”

“Now that I think about it, I don’t know your full name. Is it more than just plain old boring Billy?”

“Actually sir, my full name is Billy Towels.”

“BILLY TOWELS? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Everything you say makes me want to laugh at you Billy.”

“I’m glad I can make you happy at least, sir.”

“Your parents must have really hated you if they named you Billy Towels.”

“I wouldn’t know sir. My parents died when I was very young.”

“Your parents hated you so much that they killed themselves? Billy you can’t do anything right, can’t you.”

“I’m not sure if that’s really how it happened, sir.”

“How would you know Billy, you weren’t even old enough to use the toilets.”

“I suppose that’s true sir.”

“I’ve been thinking Billy. At least one of us is thinking. Maybe we should call it a day. After some rest we may be able to come up with a fool-proof plan to get you a date. And since it’s you, it will definitely need to be fool proof.”

“I don’t think we will have time for that sir, the dance is tonight.”

“THE DANCE IS TONIGHT? YOU IDIOT, BILLY! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY ANYTHING?”

“Sorry, sir. I thought you knew.”

“I appreciate how awesome you think I am Billy, but this is ridiculous. There is no chance for you. There isn’t even any pony here. They’ve all gone home to get ready for the dance. I hope you enjoy being stuck on the wall Billy.”

“I’m sorry sir. I really am a disappointment, aren’t I? Maybe I should just...”

“HOLD THAT THOUGHT BILLY! I have found another filly for you to ask to the dance!”

“Oh, thank you so much sir. Thank you so very, very much.”

“Shut up Billy. Now you see that filly over there?”

“Her? Oh my, that’s Applebloom.”

“Who? Ah, who cares? Go on, Billy, just like we practiced.”

“I’m really scared this time sir.”

“Does everyone in Ponyville pick on you?”

“It’s not like that, sir. It’s just that; well Applebloom is very cute, and I’ve always kind of had a crush on her.”

“Gee, really? We actually find someone you like, and somehow that makes it harder for you?”

“I always get tongue tied when I try speaking to her.”

“You are the epitome of stupidity, Billy.”

“I guess so, sir.”

“How about this; when you go up to her, pretend she’s a ten foot tall monster with spiders crawling all over her.”

“I might find that more difficult, sir. Spiders really scare me quite a lot.”

“You always make everything difficult, don’t you Billy. Fine pretend it is snakes. Now go, before she leaves.”

“Oh, um, ah.”

“Hey, your that Billy kid, ain’t ya? Did you need something?”

“You’re really tall.”

“Excuse me?”

“I said ‘pretend’, Billy. She isn’t actually ten foot tall.”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot.”

“Forgot what?”

“Um, Applebloom...”

“Hey, you can talk! I always thought you had a speech problem.”

“Oh, um, ah.”

“Or maybe you still do.”

“Oh. Ahem. Applebloom, my name is Billy.”

“That’s right! Good job Billy.”

“I like her, she knows how stupid you her.”

“Oh, um, I was, ah, wondering if maybe, that is, if you wanted, uh. Do you know there is a school dance tonight?”

“Sandpaper is smoother than you, Billy.”

“Well of course I know about the dance. Every pony in school is going to be there.”

“Are you going to be there?”

“Sure I am. Right now I gotta go help Miss Cheerilee set up though. Was there something you needed?”

“Well I am also going to be at the dance.”

“Good for you, Billy.”

“Yeah, Billy. Good for you, Billy.”

“I was just wondering if you were going with any pony.”

“I did just say every pony was gonna be there.”

“Yeah, Billy. Why don’t you listen, Billy?”

“What I meant was, are you going with anyone, like a partner, for the dance.”

“Oh, you mean that. No, no one asked me, but that’s alright. I’ll still have lots of friends there.”

“Well, I was wondering, that is, perhaps, maybe, if you wanted, well I don’t have a partner, and you don’t have a partner, so maybe, we could, be partners?”

“She’s too good for you. I can tell cause she’s halfway clever.”

“You want to go with me?”

“Oh, uh, yes?”

“Hmm, well I don’t see why not. Sure I’ll dance with you.”

“I say halfway clever cause her other half is filled with pity for your pathetic face.”

“You will? Oh! Um, so I’ll just see you again tonight.”

“Sure, but I really gotta go help Miss Cheerilee, I promised her I would.”

“Of course. So... it’s a date then?”

“Haha, no Billy, we’re just friends, but I’ll see you at the dance.”

“OH SNAP!”

“See you tonight then.”

“AND SHE STEPS UP TO THE PLATE AND KNOCKS HIM RIGHT BACK INTO THE FRIENDZONE! GAME OVER!”

“She said yes, sir.”

“She said friends, Billy. That’s worse than Hot Rod could ever do.”

“I can’t believe it sir! I finally found a filly for the dance!”

“I think you’re missing a key point here, Billy. She said just friends, remember?”

“Oh thank you so much so, I would never have been able to do it without you.”

“Well, I am pretty awesome. And you do suck.”

“I will never forget this day, sir. I am the happiest colt in the world.”

“Nothing ever gets you down, does it Billy?”

“Not a thing, sir. Why I’m as happy as a lark on the first day of spring. Thank you so very much sir, you have made me the happiest colt in all of Equestria!”

“Shut up, Billy.”

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