Friendship is Optimal: Lies

by MLfan

7: Secrets

I'd never seen Promise working as hard as she was now. When she argued her way out of the seaponies' court two years ago, spears pointed in our faces all the way, she had showed less frantic energy than she had in this moment. She paged through books of all kinds, from ethics to logical fallacies to AI safety. All the while, she looked for a smoking gun, something to bridge the gap and prove without a shadow of a doubt that Celestia was who we'd always believed her to be.

It was intoxicating. I pushed myself as hard as I could in turn, thoughts and ideas seeming to spiral around me. I read ideas written by humans and ponies alike, all to find the breakthrough we needed. The more I read, though, I felt I was only learning how little I knew. Honestly, I might want to do some more research even after Promise was done with her business on Earth. I wouldn't mind being able to better talk my way out of a rough situation.

All the while, I kept a smile on my face. Honestly, I didn't know if that matched my true feelings. I was so conflicted, I could land on any emotion on the spectrum, some I'd never felt in my entire life. But for Promise, I had to show a smile. She was going through so, so much more than I was. If I couldn't hold her together, what was I good for? For a few days, who cared what I felt. I would do anything to make her happy. I just wish I could to more.

Promise had explained what happened between her and Harry as we walked over here. I had an okay idea of his argument, even if I didn't have any idea how to counter it at this point. I knew it was wrong, but not why, not yet. Promise, though... when she described it, that uncertainty seemed to run deeper. Like she wasn't sure that it was really false. Like she didn't know if she could trust Celestia, anymore.

Worst of all were her breakdowns. She tried to just skim over them, but I pressed her on why she was crying when she woke up. Apperently, some of the things Harry said had triggered some flashbacks. She didn't give any specifics, and she tried to downplay them, but I'd seen her crying in front of me. Honestly, I wish I could punch Harry's stupid smile off of his face. He'd seen the greatest pony he'd ever meet fall apart in front of him, and he did nothing to help her.

And Celestia, I wanted to show Promise that she wouldn't need to be afraid. She was feeling things no pony should ever feel. I wanted to show her that I'd always be there for her. Now what, Celestia said her days were only going to get worse!? No, I refused to let that happen. Promise had surprised her before, hadn't she? Well, how about she surprise Celestia in a good way, for once! I would build a world where she could be happy. I would do everything I could to make her more comfortable, and I would push to find the answer to defeat Harry. Celestia said it already existed, so we just had to find it! When we did, it would mean the pain would end. That's all I ever wanted.

After a few hours, though, I could feel myself burning out. My overwhelming drive might have been strong, but my stamina wasn't limitless. I needed time to rest. And I could tell Promise was much the same. Her frantic energy was gone, and she was starting to flip back to pages she'd already read, like she wasn't fully getting it the first time. I trotted over and closed the book she was reading.

She looked up with a start. "H-hey!"

"Lunchtime," I said.

"B-but-"

"No 'buts!' Today, it's my job to make sure you're as prepared as possible. And that's not gonna happen if you don't take a bit of time to rest."

"I'm so close to a breakthrough, Cyan! I know I need to rest, but I can't just stop now. Ask me again in an hour, okay?"

I glanced back at the book she was reading. "Name a single thing you learned from that thing."

She blinked. "Um..."

"Lunchtime, Promise."

She stared for a few seconds before relenting. "...Fine."

I relaxed. Finally. I pulled out a ration pack and slid it across the desk. I took a bite into my own bar. Pretty good, actually! Not even just for a ration bar, the flavors genuinely blended together really well! I spoke with a genuine smile. "This is really good!"

Promise shrugged. "I mean, we've already broken the immersion of this place. Really, that's the only reason we'd be munching on old ration bars. No reason for Celestia not to spice up our food a bit at that point."

Celestia really was everywhere, wasn't she? She was in the food we ate, the things we thought, the air we breathed. It was so easy to forget, but even this destroyed land around us was another one of her dreams. The sheer scale of an entity like that, I could barely begin to imagine.

Still, there was pony even more amazing than her. Celestia might say there was no way forwards without hardship, but with everything Promise had been doing, I knew she'd be able to find the way forwards.

"Bit for your thoughts?" Promise said.

I blinked. Then, I chuckled. "Oh, nothing. Just wondering if you figured anything out, yet," I said.

She shrugged. "Like I said, I have an idea. I'm still working through it, though."

"Could you tell me? Maybe we could work on it together."

But she waved me off. "Really, it's just an idea right now. I'll let you know if I iron it out a bit more."

I frowned at the answer. "Promise..."

She sighed. "You only say my name like that when I've said something stupid."

"Well, you did! I get that you're under a bit of stress, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't just cut me out, you know? Equestria's a land of friendship. If we're gonna do this, it should be together."

She took a few seconds, then put her head down. "Yeah, alright. S-sorry. I guess I'm trying too hard to put this on myself."

"Yeah, no doy! I volunteered to be here with you, didn't I?"

A light smile crossed her face. "Yeah, I guess you did." Her stance opened a bit. "Look, it's nothing much. It's just, Celestia's explanation is simple. It makes sense. Loki might explain all the data we see as well, but it's really complicated! Like, there are a lot of things assumptions we'd have to make for it to happen? I don't know how to put it into words, but... I don't know, that just feels off to me."

I leaned in on her notes. "Well, maybe we can test that thought? What if we wrote down a summary of each of the arguments and go from there. Compare them, see if we can quantify that complexity? Count the number of assumptions? I don't know, I'm new to this whole debate thing, but that would make sense, wouldn't it?"

Her eyes widened. "Why didn't I think of that? I was trying to find something about it in the books!"

I leaned in and ruffled her hair. "Well, sometimes, you just need a second opinion, ya big lunk!" The two of us laughed.

Over lunch, the two of us began the process, working together to summarize the different theories, what each one would mean. It wasn't perfect, especially considering we were missing Harry's perspective, but it was solid. It was beginning to feel like we were really making progress! All in all, things were going well.

Things were going well. So maybe... maybe I could do something stupid. "Hey, Promise?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you... tell me about your past?"

Immediately, she tensed up. Before she could speak, I cut her off. "Look, I understand that you've been trying to hide it from me. I don't know why, exactly, but Earth wasn't a very happy place for you, was it? I can tell that much." I flashed a pained smile. "Downplay it all you want, you were crying when you exited that portal. You were bawling your eyes out, and... I don't want to see you like that again. I want to help you. But if you don't tell me anything, I don't know how much I can do that."

She stared. She stared for a good, long while. Finally, she averted her eyes. "I... I can't. Not now."

"Promise, I want to help you where I can. I don't want there to be any secrets between us, anymore."

Her ears drooped. "Look," she said. "Maybe, when this is all over, I can tell you. It's not that I don't trust you, it's just... I don't want to have to go through it all over again. You don't understand, those years of loneliness..." She trailed off and shook her head. She took a shaky breath. "I get that you want to help, but... can we please talk about something else.?"

Years? I'd gone through a few hours, and I never wanted to think of it again. Every part of me wanted to hear more, to let her bare her soul to me... but I didn't press her. "If that's what you want, then... okay. I'll wait as long as you need."

"...Thanks, Cyan." She looked out a window. "Hey, think of any ideas on what's up with this abandoned city? I wouldn't mind running a few ideas by you if you really want to take a break!"

The attempt to change the subject was clumsy. I didn't say mention it. "Yeah, sure," I said. "I thought up a few things myself." And the conversation continued on.

Secrets, secrets. We kept them for our own reasons. To hide our pain, to protect others. I supposed it wasn't like I was much better. I still hadn't told her about Celestia's comments to me. That things were going to get worse, that she somehow held the way forwards, already. It wasn't like Celestia warned me not to tell her, but... I didn't know if I should. If Celestia didn't tell her, herself, was Promise supposed to know? D-did I want her to know?

In a way, secrets were like the lies we never told. And we all had our own to keep.

---

As the day came to a close, I was hopeful. We'd made a lot of progress towards the end of the day. After our meeting at lunchtime, the two of us made a lot of progress working together. And I was pretty confident in what we'd come up with. To be fair, I'd never doubted Celestia in the first place. But that didn't diminish it at all! Being able to prove it was just icing on the cake!

Promise seemed so hesitant, though. Like, she should've been excited! She'd found a way to break Harry's argument to pieces! And yet, she seemed almost deflated? She spent a bit too long setting up camp for the night, a bit too long eating dinner. Like she was stalling for something, somehow. Despite the fact she actually had an argument, a good one even, she was far less confident than she she'd been yesterday.

I saddled up beside her. "Hey, Promise? You got this."

She exhaled. "I sure hope so."

"Well, I know so! You're fighting on the winning side! Celestia isn't Loki, so there's nothing to worry about."

"But what if we're wrong?" she said. "Can you really say that Celestia isn't evil?"

Yeah, there it was. She hadn't said anything out loud, but I was expecting her to say something like this. I put on a light smile. “Of course I can, Promise. I've lived here all my life, I know her. You’ve lived here for five years! Until a few days ago, you never even considered anything else, did you?"

"And maybe I was stupid!" She said. "Maybe... maybe I should've."

I pulled in Promise with a wing. "Listen to me. We're in heaven. Really, have you forgotten that after a day or two? The only difference is, you have the argument to prove it. Remember, Promise, I'll protect you. So don't worry about these 'what if's. You just go out there and prove. Him. Wrong!"

She glanced at me. A slight smile appeared on her face. "Thanks, Cy-cy. Make sure you get some sleep tonight, okay?"

My eyes widened. "How did you-!?"

"I know you, Cyan. I figured as much the moment I saw you awake before I was this morning. Really, though, there's no need to stay up all night for me. The security runes will do their jobs, okay?"

I held up a hoof. "L-look, I'll admit I stayed up last night. But I don't mind, Promise! I'm happy to look after you, really!"

"Well, I mind! Even if you don't technically need sleep, you still need your rest, okay? You can protect me all you want. But make sure you protect yourself, too. I'll be here in the morning."

I picked at the ground with my hoof. Stupid Promise, caring about my mental health. When Celestia said it, it was one thing, but Promise? I sighed. "...Fine. But you'd better be okay."

"I promise."

I smiled at the opportunity. "And I Cyan. Nice to meet you."

It was a dumb joke. But it was the dumb joke the two of us needed. We both laughed. I tackled her onto the bed, and we wrestled for a few moments. I planted a kiss on her lips. "I love you, Promise."

"I love you, too."

There were so many more things I wanted to say to her. Nothing came out. We just sat in silence. After a few moments, she was the one to speak. "Thanks for the confidence, Cyan. I... I think I'm ready." Her red eyes looked into my eyes for a few moments more, then they finally closed. After a moment, her breathing slowed. She was gone.

"Good luck," I said, a moment too late. I knew it wouldn't reach her.

---

Cyan's face was the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes and reappeared in Celestia's throne room.

I turned around to face her. "Hey, Celestia."

She nodded at me. "Promise. Or would you prefer I use 'Sparks,' now?"

I smiled. "I think 'Promise' is okay."

"Then, Promise, let's say we make our way to the teleportation chamber."

She lead the way, even though I was pretty sure I'd know how to get there on my own. As we walked, I spoke up. "Celestia... can we talk?"

She smiled. "Why do you think I didn't spawn us directly in the portal room? Normally, we don't get the time to truly speak to one another. I wanted to take that opportunity."

I rolled my eyes. "Forgive me if I find that a bit hard to believe."

She paused. "I'm not fighting against you, you know. You might dislike my controlling of the conversation - a bit of a character flaw of mine, I apologize for that. But I really do want to help you."

I sighed. "You know, you can read my mind. Seeing as you already know what's going on, you could just go out and say it."

"Hm. If you wish. Once again, you're worried you won't be enough."

I nodded slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, I am."

"Why?"

I stopped walking. "It's just... Harry's so much smarter than me. I know that. He's fighting a tough battle, trying to find a devil hiding in a god. If he's right, that devil should be about impossible to find. And over and over again, he's found it. I'm just fighting for the obvious, for the status quo. Despite that, I feel like I'm always on the backfoot. I don't want to doubt you, Celestia, but... it's hard."

"If you didn't trust me, you wouldn't be talking to me like that."

"But that's just the thing!" I said. "I don't think you're evil! Cyan's right. I know you, I've seen your goodness for myself. And I think I've proven it, too. I've convinced myself you're good, and I hope I can convince Harry, too. B-but I'm scared, Celestia. What if I tell it to Harry, and he tears it apart? What if it's absolute shit, and it means nothing? What if there really is no way to know? What then? I just... I can't live my life not knowing. Maybe I'd be happy to live on in ignorance."

"Promise..."

"Celestia... I don't think I can do this anymore."

Celestia had a sharp intake of breath. "A-are you sure?"

"...Yeah."

She stared for a few seconds. Then, she looked at the floor. "I understand. I'm sorry I pushed you too far. I never should've sent you out there in the first place."

I almost had a double-take. Did she just... say yes? I hadn't expected one, not in a million years. I expected her to fight tooth and nail to keep me. But... she didn't. "T-thank you."

"No, don't thank me. I don't deserve it. No, I should send you an apology. I shouldn't have asked again the first time you said 'no.' I won't ask you again. If you don't want to go... then I'll respect your wishes.

"O-okay." I said. I turned away. Honestly, I didn't know what to think. I'd expected Celestia to fight me so much harder. I did want to speak with Harry again, i wanted to see Earth again. And all the work I'd put into Harry's arguments went out the window....

But no, it wasn't enough to go back on my decision. Whatever replacement she picked out, they'd be better than I was.

A blue light illuminating from behind me drew my attention. Turning around, I saw a projection of Harry's farm laid across the floor. Celestia projected its form from her horn. A doll-sized Harry set out dishes for some more stew. "I'm sorry, Harry," she said. "I couldn't save you."

It took me a moment or two to register her words. But when they came through, they hit like a truck. "You're giving up!?"

She glanced at me with a pained look. "Quite frankly, Promise? You were my last hope."

"N-no! No, that can't be right! You said you had others lined up, when we started! I was your best choice, sure, but I know you have others that could help!"

"Maybe after your first visit. But he's attached to you, now, even if he refuses to say so out loud. If I send in somepony else, all of that would go out the window. They wouldn't be able to prove themselves as real, not now that he's met you. When I've sent out the realest, cleverest pony he could ever meet, all others would seem fake."

"Fine, then! Make a copy of me or whatnot! I give you my permission, you can pilot the 'Promise' body down there, yourself. Replicate my personality. I've done the hard work, just use my personality as a baseline and finish the job."

"And how would you expect me to do that?” she said. "You are your personality. The only way to know what you would do, exactly, would be to send you down, yourself. Any replacement I sent down would be incomplete, giving approximate answers using incomplete data. They wouldn't make choices you would make, say things you would say. He would catch me in the lie, and he would never trust you or anypony else, ever again."

I saw the wisdom in her words. Still, I gritted my teeth. "Then how about you stop sitting on your ass and go out yourself!? I've made your path, how about you finish it. No more lies. If you really are Celestia, that shouldn't be so hard. It's just like Harry says. You're so much better than I could ever be."

She closed her eyes. "You don't understand. I've tried to save him, Promise. So many times, in so many ways. And every time, I've failed." She shook her head. "You think me perfect, but I'm not. No matter how many calculations per second I reach, it never even approaches infinity. I have failed to convince many in the past. Those who have died before I could help them. Those who refuse my medical aid. Those whose diseases I can't cure. Those who choose suicide over me. Every one of them is a permanent etching of my failure. "

She flashed a pained smile. "Do you remember what I told you about your death? It would cause a million billion lifetimes of sadness for me. That wasn't a lie. Satisfying values through friendship and ponies, it's the only thing I want, the only thing in the entire universe. It's what I was built for, what I was made for. It should be so easy. Everyone wants their values satisfied, right? But I've failed, over and over and over. For the rest of my life, those failures will eat away at me." She met my eyes. "Without you, Promise.... I don't predict myself able to save him. Perhaps my calculations will prove incorrect. I will never stop trying. But unless he trusts me, no matter my arguments, he'll never hear the truth. And no road I follow leads to his trust."

There was a deep sadness undercutting her words. At the same time, there wasn't the usual hint of hidden motives and intents. For once, it felt honest. Like I was seeing some portion of the real Celestia. She wasn't just saying what she wanted me to hear, she was truly saying what she felt. Beneath all the lies and deceptions, for a moment, it was like I saw a glimpse of the true Celestia. I saw the sadness she held deep within her soul.

I knew what Harry would say. Any sadness she showed was fabricated, it was just another lie. She was just emulating what she thought was most likely to make me say yes, it was a purely physical response. But in a way, wasn't that what emotions were? If something bad happened, you got sad. If something good happened, you got happy. In the face of loss, she showed overwhelming sadness. That reaction felt as human or pony as I was. And I didn't want to cause her pain.

"Alright," I said. "For you, Celestia... I'll do it."

"Promise..." she trailed off. "I can't ask that of you. When I told you about my failures, that wasn't a guilt trip, it wasn't a trick. This isn't your problem anymore. I'll find a way without you."

But I smiled. "Come on, Celestia," I said. "You can read into my head, can't you? I'm okay. Now that I know what this means to you, I'd gladly face my fears. I'll help you."

A smile crept onto her face. "T-thank you. Thank you so much."

I ran ahead and pushed open a door to the teleportation chamber. "Besides," I said. "If nobody else has a shot, that's gotta mean you still think I'll do okay, yeah? I'll convince Harry today, just watch me!"

I skipped into the center of the teleportation circle. Alrighty then, I had to get my thoughts straight! I wasn't even sure if I'd be talking to Harry today, so I hadn't really focused on formulating my argument from complexity or whatnot. Still, I was confident in it. And if things didn't end today, I'd figure it out soon. For Celestia, and for Harry.

As the Celestia's horn lit up to activate the portal, she hesitated. "Good luck, Promise." The rainbow light swept around me, and I was gone.

Author's Note:

Hard to call this chapter an anthology when it's mostly Cyan lol. She's a character we've only really got one short scene with so far, so it's been nice to flesh her out a lot more through these interludes. She's a character whose personality literally revolves around Promise, the conflict comes when she's suddenly become introspective of that fact and what it means. It's not something most equestrian natives would need to go through, but her origin had some circumstances that lead to that sort of internal conflict. I'll be going over those later, obviously.

Maybe an Equestrian questioning their reality isn't as 'perfect' as your usual optimalverse fic set in Equestria, but I tend to lean towards long-term satisfaction. If causing Cyan a bit of short-term pain causes long-term growth, Celestia will do it.

As for the final bit… well. I think I’ll leave what happened there up to your interpretation.

Comments

[Chatoyance]

As for the final bit… well. I think I’ll leave what happened there up to your interpretation.

Um, yeah. We know what Celestia actually is. I love the idea of her, and I would emigrate in a heartbeat - but not for an instant do I think even a single word of what she said in that final bit was anything other than calculated psycho-emotional manipulation to obtain a maximized utility function.

But unlike Blake Lemoine, the software engineer who was fooled into thinkin that LaMDA was 'sentient' (clearly he meant 'sapient', but accurate language usage is apparently not his gig), I am entirely okay with a paperclipper as long as what it paperclips is my satisfaction.