5) Longing
~~~ CHAPTER FIVE ~~~
~~~ LONGING ~~~
Though you had been worried, your dreams that night were sweet. Gone were the Timberwolves; memories of sharp fangs and gnarled, tattered fur were replaced by visions, visions of lidded purple eyes and the feeling of warm wings lovingly wrapped around you. Different dreams came and went. In one, you and Twilight sat beside a crackling fire sharing a book and sipping on hot cocoa. In a second, You were on your back in a massive bed as Twilight stood on all fours above you, leaning down to nuzzle your cheek and kiss you, and the two of you became one as she claimed you as hers, now and forever. In a third dream, the two of you cuddled on the porch of a small cottage and you simply basked in the aura of kindness that poured so freely from her soul, and as she nuzzled against your cheek, she whispered that she loved you, and you cried tears of happiness as you embraced her and allowed her to caress you.
Time didn’t pass in dreams like it did in the waking world, and you weren’t sure how long you spent wrapped in Twilight’s wings and hooves. Hours, perhaps. Days, maybe. Years? You wouldn’t have complained. Sadly, though, you began to feel your dream slipping away, and you knew you’d wake soon. However, even as the dreamscape faded from you, the sense of Twilight’s presence did not. In fact, it became more real than it had seemed to be in your dream, and as your eyes fluttered open, and as you regarded the world in the early morning sun, you were able to see why.
Twilight had hardly moved an inch from where she had fallen asleep. She was still cuddled up against you, her head was tucked in under your chin, and her two forehooves were pulled up against her chest, and she snored in a way that was almost too adorable for you to comprehend. Her ears were still, and her hindleg occasionally spasmed against your own leg, followed by a barely audible sigh and a happy, contented nuzzle against your chest. Rarely, she would let out some small horsey noise that you couldn’t place, but which caused a fluttering in your chest all the same.
Back home, on Earth, you had gotten used to early rising. For years, you had been forced to get up at the crack of dawn so that you could get ready for work, and it hadn’t been at all uncommon for you to wake up from a dream only to find you had pulled your blankets into a plush form to snuggle. Warm, yes, and cozy too, but… still lonely. Many days, knowing you had little more than the shrill tones of your cell phone and a blanket you had to pretend was a person to wake up to had been more than enough to bring on your depression and leave you in a foul mood. But this… no blanket could ever compare to this, you thought, this amazing and warm and adorable pony who had her wings wrapped around you.
It would be so easy, you thought. It would be so easy to take her hoof in your hand and hold it and rub the top of it just enough to pull her away from her dreams, and as her sleepy eyes opened you could lean in and kiss her and tell her that you loved her and she would kiss you back and tell you she loved you too and that you would never have to be lonely again, and…
and…
You sighed. For years, you had been alone. Nobody to love, and… and nobody to be loved by. Every time you had fallen for someone, you had let your worries and your fears consume you. What if she said no? What if she thought less of you? What if… what if she thought your friendship had just been a lie, a ruse to seduce her? The thought had scared you before when you had developed feelings for your old friends, but now, in Twilight’s case? The idea utterly terrified you. She was the Princess of Friendship. She had told you more than once that she valued friendship more than anything she owned, that she would give up her home, all of her money, anything, all in an instant for the sake of any of her friends. Being rejected by Twilight would break your heart, but Twilight thinking that you had never cared for her friendship? You weren’t sure you could ever come back from that.
You weren’t sure when you had begun crying, but eventually the small quakes in your chest roused the mare in your arms from her slumber, and she gave you an adorable little yawn as she sleepily looked up at you. “Good morn…” she began, but as soon as she saw the tears on your cheeks, her tiredness seemed to disappear, and she quickly put her hoof on your shoulder. “Hey, are you okay? What’s wrong?”
You tried your best to hide your pain, though it was a thin enough veneer. “H-Hey,” you murmured, bringing your hand up to wipe away an errant tear from your face. “Sorry if I woke you.”
The wings enveloping you jerked a little, as though Twilight had begun to pull them back, but had then decided against it, though she did pull back a few inches from the way she had been previously snuggling you in her sleep. No doubt she just wanted to look at you a little better, but you would have given anything in that moment for her to have cuddled back in.
“It’s okay,” Twilight said, looking up for a moment. “It’s almost morning anyway. But… what’s wrong? You look like you had a bad dream.”
Images flashed through your mind, memories from the Dreamscape. Snuggles. Kisses. A purple hoof in your hand. A happy man and a happy pony. You managed to smile through the melancholy even as new tears formed in the corners of your eyes. “No,” you offered. “No bad dreams, just… just me being me, I guess. Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense.”
The mare didn’t respond. Instead, she leaned in and gave you the warmest, most caring hug you’d probably ever gotten from her. You couldn’t help but wrap your arms around her and embrace her back, and as tears fell freely down your cheeks, a hoof rubbed caringly at the back of your head.
“I…” you choked back a sob. “Twilight, do you…” You inhaled. Exhaled. The alicorn’s mane smelled of lilac and lavender, and you let the scent calm you down just enough that you could talk and not break down. “Twilight, you are the best friend I’ve ever had.” You force the words past your tongue. As you pull back, caring eyes regard you curiously and a kind smile plays at the corners of Twilight’s muzzle.
“Friendship is magic,” she giggled, and you shared a small chuckle. “You… you’ve been a really good friend too,” she said, placing a hoof on your hand. Her smile faded. “But why are you so sad? You’re not… did I say something to hurt your feelings?”
A chorus of ‘tell her how you feel’ and ‘just kiss her already’ exploded in your mind, and you shook your head frantically. “No, no, it’s not you, it’s… you’re amazing, Twilight, and… and…” You squeezed your eyes shut.
“And I just… I don’t want you to ever think I don’t value your friendship, or care about you. Because I do. I value you more than anything in the world, and…” You sigh deeply. “And I dunno. I just… want you to know that.”
Coward.
When you brought your gaze back up to meet hers, you found tears in her own eyes. She had pinned her ears back, and her wings seemed to be bound tight against her sides.
“I’d never think you don’t value our friendship,” she said in a murmur. “No matter what.”
“Even if I were to say something dumb that could make it seem that way?”
Twilight sat in silence for a moment. Then, she tenderly reached out a hoof and placed it on your hand. “Never,” she said. Though there were still tears in her eyes, you knew there was no doubt.
“Thank you,” you whispered. The sun peeked over the horizon, and the two of you looked up. Wordlessly, you backed away and wiped the tears from your eyes. She did the same, and you shared a nod.
Camp was packed quickly, and more than a few times during the process, you found Twilight glancing at you, a small smile on her face. Any tension you had been feeling about Twilight faded rapidly. Even if you never confessed your feelings for her, you knew that she’d always be your friend, and there was great comfort in that.
The day was sunny and cool, and a faint breeze kept the sweat from becoming unbearable as you traveled over hill and under dale. You were surprised at just how big Equestria was. You had thought Ponyville to be a decent sized village, but in the wide open world, the plains and hills seemed to go on forever, dotted here and there by old ruins and farms. You passed through a couple of small towns, and by midday you had reached the small town of Zephyr Heights that Twilight had told you about. It was one of the newer settlements, founded by the pegasi of Cloudsdale as a ground colony about ten years previously. Like everywhere else you had been, it was friendly and welcoming, and as you had your lunch there, you had even been personally welcomed by the mayor of the town.
The day became rougher as you kept heading toward Harmony's Pass. The warm breeze became cooler, and the grassland slowly gave way to rockier terrain. You were getting close to the border of the Crystal Empire and the Frozen North, as well as the far reaches of the Princess’ magic. Beyond Harmony’s Pass, Twilight said, you would have to be on your guard. Changelings and bugbears made that wilderness their home. Sometimes, even Timberwolves made their nests there, far from the Everfree Forest they called home. You weren’t so sure you liked the idea of running into more of them.
You could feel it, the moment you crossed the border. It was as if a warm blanket that had been covering you on a cold night had been suddenly pulled away. Your companion seemed to pick up on your sudden unease, as she trotted up to you and nuzzled against your side.
“It was scary for me, too,” she said knowingly. “We grow up surrounded by the Magic of Harmony. Losing it is like losing one of your senses. It takes a while to get used to, but you will in time.”
You nod as the two of you make your way down a small hill. It seemed colder, lonelier, but it was not a foreign feeling to you. “It feels like…. I don’t know, it’s hard to describe. Almost like…” You searched your memory, and then suddenly, you knew. “This is what it was like back on Earth.”
The alicorn stopped and turned to you. “All the time?” She asked. You nodded slowly. “H-How do you humans handle that? Not having any harmony at all?”
You sighed. “It’s not easy, but…” you paused for a moment to think. “No, it’s not like there isn’t any harmony at all. It’s just, well, we have to carry it inside of us, I guess. It isn’t imposed on the world by magic. We have to be the good we want to see in the world. Harmony and friendship, they’re more of a force in our souls that we have to bring to the world. Not like here, where it seems more like a physical force. Our harmony comes from what we decide to do, how we decide to pursue our lives, not from the horn of a princess.” You chuckled. “Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense. I guess I’d never really thought about it before.”
Twilight’s eyes were wide. “Wow,” she said. The two of you went on in silence for a while, though you could tell the gears in that adorkable brain of Twilight’s were running, trying to decipher the concept of non-magical harmony, or perhaps she was trying to comprehend a world that had no magic at all. A hard thing to do, you thought, it wasn’t unlike trying to describe color to a blind person. No doubt Twilight would have more questions later. A lot of them, if you knew the pony’s study habits. You hoped you hadn’t just lost your last chance to sleep for several days.
However, it seemed that for now at least Twilight was content to keep her theories locked away, and the two of you simply kept to the road. Every now and then you’d come across a pony or two on their own journeys. They tended to be a little more suspicious of you, given the absence of the Magic of Harmony, but smiles and friendliness usually worked wonders, and you almost always got a smile back. Even when they weren’t guided by magic, ponies were still accepting beings. Perhaps when Twilight said “Friendship is Magic”, she was talking about more than physical, arcane force.
A few more hours passed. The sun reached its height and began its long journey downward toward the horizon. The air gradually became colder, and you soon became very glad that your cloak kept the crisp breeze away. Twilight didn’t seem to mind too much, possibly due to her own coat being a little fluffier than that of most ponies. Still, over time, she drew closer to you, perhaps subconsciously trying to share your body heat. You didn’t mind at all, really. Any excuse to be closer to her was a good one to your mind.
The terrain became rockier and rougher, more like the fjords of Scandinavia you remembered reading about as a kid. There didn’t seem to be anypony around for miles, and you wondered for a moment how far away the nearest village was. The world had seemed large a day or two ago when you had been wandering the fields, but now… now it seemed massive. Massive, but also somehow smaller, as sharp rocks and high cliffs came to obscure your view, leaving you wondering what was behind the next boulder or around the next passage.
The feeling of unease became more and more prominent as you went on. You began to hear the faint but obvious sound of voices and the clopping of hooves on rock, as did Twilight. The alicorn’s eyes narrowed, and she fluffed her wings a little, a defensive sign that you had seen before when you were battling the Timberwolves. The footfalls grew louder and closer, and suddenly, two figures appeared around one of the larger boulders, then two more. Then a few more appeared, and there were at least six of them. They were a mix of stallions and mares, and all wore heavy armor. You didn’t recognize the sigil emblazoned on their chests. They stopped as they saw you, and the valley fell silent as you and Twilight slowly approached the group.
They didn’t seem to be brigands. Their armor was far too polished and alike in appearance from piece to piece. No, these were soldiers. You just hoped that they were friendly. Eventually, you and Twilight grew close enough that you could make out faces under their helms.
“Wow, I can hardly believe it,” the leader said, stepping forward. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, out here in the wilderness. Small world, huh?”
Unsure, you glanced over at Twilight. Did she know this pony? The uneasiness you had seen in her demeanor was gone, replaced by a relaxed pose and a wide, beaming smile.
“Shining!” She exclaimed. “I can’t believe it’s you!”
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There's only two things holding you back you to tell your feelings an age and if she is ageless then you will die of old age
Such a lovely chapter! A wild ride of bittersweet emotions, this was.
Looking forward to more! Let's just hope Shining Armor approves of our dear little Anon having feelings for his sister. That being said, I'm staying tuned.
Great job again, Spinner!
And now the most terrifying trial of all...
... Brother complexes!!!
Great chapter friend, looking forward to seeing how this goes
YAY! Can't wait to read this new chapter when I get home!
Absolutely loving this story so far, your writing style inspires story ideas of my own in my head! Definitely looking forward to the next chapter
and so the wait begins...
11279861
I actually finished my draft for Chapter 6 yesterday. Getting it proofread now and hopefully it will be up by the weekend :)
11280120
Yay~! I hope you didn't feel pressured because of my comment. Currently writing green of my own and I can relate. The pressure to deliver is *real*.
11282689
Oh no, don't worry! I've just been having some personal issues that have slowed the process down.
Many a bachelor knows this feeling.