Alone
Several days passed. The rift between the reformed drones and the renegades kept growing; fights broke out more and more often, producing more casualties and testing the medics’ limits at handling the already-overcrowded infirmary. The renegades still complained about the recent change in command and threatened to restore the old system by any means necessary, so much that I’d started to wonder what was still keeping them from just leaving in search for their preferred leader without waiting for my approval. Maybe the reformed drones were making sure they didn’t, but why hadn’t Psycho or anyling else made even the slightest mention of it? Had they assumed I already knew everything there was to know on the matter? Or was everything happening so spontaneously that they hadn’t even realized it had happened?
The reformed drones didn’t seem to notice their efforts make any real difference, either. To them, it was pure self-defense if they cared to fight back, or a trip to the infirmary if they didn’t; sometimes, it was both. They still sought my advice on how to make the renegades leave them alone, but despite my best intentions and efforts, I was still clueless about the cause for such strife and especially about possible ways to end it! Though the drones still kept coming, they must have caught on, as I wasn’t seeing quite as many of them now as I had at the beginning. The full infirmary could only partially explain such a decline in interest; I’d discussed it with Spiracle and he reminded me the infirmary, even as full as it was, was still too small to accommodate the number of drones that weren’t coming to complain to me about the renegades. Unless they were all too busy fighting to drop by for a talk?
Proboscis was having serious trouble retaining her workforce, both in numbers and in the amount of work they were able to do with so much going on. Mystique had resorted to allowing only small artistic projects for the sake of easy transport of the pieces whenever the renegades hit the arts-and-crafts chamber. The choir was said to have ceased practices until further notice. Antenna was too afraid of getting beaten up to even go water her plants.
Pharynx was still roaming the badlands all day and only returning to the hive to sleep. Sometimes not even that.
I was still struggling to keep the hive from falling apart.
Could the renegades have been right in a way? Was I doing my subjects a disservice by insisting they should accept friendship in place of violence? The friendship part of the whole thing had only been partially successful, after all! True, the reformed drones were actually getting along now, which kept my hopes from completely dying away, but I couldn’t ignore the constant strife stirred up by the ones who remained unconvinced! How had Chrysalis managed to instill hatred in every single drone throughout the many centuries of her lifetime and to keep them blindly obedient to her until I came along? Was tyranny really the only thing that could work on changelings? I didn’t want to go down that path, but at the rate everything was going, there were moments when it felt like I would soon be left with no other choice!
And then, everything would fall apart because I was utterly useless when it came to issuing stern commands. Polite conversations and civil compromises, yes, I could do that. But yelling and forcing my will? Forget it! That was Pharynx’s strength, not mine! Chrysalis’ strength, too. The only thing I could ever do with yelling was to cower and submit myself to whatever the yelling demanded!
But even if the politest plea was made, was it any better than the furious yelling if I consistently left them no choice but to comply? Or to either have them comply or leave me disappointed in them, whatever. Was I already a tyrant, even if an unconventional one? Should I have sent the renegades away when they’d refused to transform? Did keeping them here, under my command, count as tyranny, even though I had the best intentions? Would I have done better to give them the freedom to form a new hive somewhere else with Chrysalis as its queen?
My heart screamed a resolute no; doing that would mean most lands in the world would still have an enemy, even if a weak and decimated one at present, but one that could grow in power over the years and restore its infamous glory! My pony friends would still be in danger, even though they had an ally now that they hadn’t had before! Keeping the renegades under my command at least gave me a feeling I could do something about them if they were to step out of line! I couldn’t do that if they were under Chrysalis’ command!
Then why was I having second thoughts?
The obvious explanation was that I simply didn’t feel ready for and capable of dealing with such conflict, a feeling proven true by my ongoing failure to establish peace among my subjects. But was it just that, or was there another reason, one more subtle and obscure? Was my subconscious mind trying to tell me something I couldn’t yet hear? Was it something I didn’t want to hear?
And what about Pharynx? I’d asked him what to do but only got told what not to do! How was that supposed to be helpful? Okay, I could see the logic behind why giving up the throne would be a bad idea, assuming his theory held water, and though it arguably prevented the situation from getting any worse, it still did nothing to improve it, and I needed improvement right now! Attempts to continue the discussion were failing as consistently as the attempts to end the strife between drones; I barely saw any of him anymore, even at bedtime, and on the few occasions when I did manage to randomly run into him, he mostly growled and grumbled and ignored my presence. I had managed to get a little more than a grunt from him a couple of times, admittedly, but only just, and he’d made sure to disappear from the premises every time. I still managed to glimpse an increasingly annoyed aura from him, and though I couldn’t tell where the annoyance was coming from - unless it was from me and my laughable leadership skills - it seemed to be taking a toll on him, or overwhelming him as he would more likely put it: a few drones had reported him destroying Antenna’s plants and the arts-and-crafts group’s paintings. I’d refused to believe it at first, but later on that same day, I’d caught him red-fanged as he ripped up some vines and moss beds. I was still finding him destroying stuff afterwards, but no matter how hard I protested and tried to convince him to stop, the most I managed to get was a snort and an eye roll!
Though cause and effect were kind of blurry, my self-confidence suffered no matter how I spun it: was Pharynx acting out because I was a horrible leader, or did I have to thank worrying over his behavior for my streak of failures? And how was I supposed to expect my subjects to heed my wishes if I couldn’t even get my own brother to cooperate?
And if I couldn’t rely on my own brother to help me, who could I rely on?
A possible answer presented itself out of the blue as I wandered aimlessly through the hive’s hallways after yet another of failed attempts to restore some semblance of peace. I wound up near one of the former armories - or had it been a training area? - just as a couple of drones were going in and getting greeted by Feisty like old friends. At first I thought nothing of it, but then I realized where I was and got the urge to slap myself for such blatant absent-mindedness; how had I forgotten this was where the feelings forum sessions were held? They were one of the things in the new hive that I was proud of, not because they’d been my idea, but because the drones liked it so much that they made a point to hold the sessions despite the difficult times the hive was experiencing, even if a couple had had to be cut short due to the renegades’ interference! How had I not thought of coming here to talk about my latest problem? My subjects’ trust didn’t exactly explain it, even if the reformed drones had never openly questioned my judgment. Was I afraid of being given bad advice? Of being ridiculed? Or was I simply ashamed that I was going to have to ask them for help when this matter was supposed to be mine to tackle?
Necessity prevailed in the end. The hostility between drones wasn’t showing any intentions of letting up anytime soon and I was out of ideas; maybe some words of comfort or a fresh perspective could help me out? It was worth a try, especially because I was worrying so much that it could easily affect my judgment in the matters I still had to deal with on top of the constant fighting if it hadn’t already!
The lingering whisper in the back of my mind, scolding me for the impertinence of taking some leisure time when everything around me was falling apart, got shushed for the time being by its reasonable counterpart reminding me that this wasn’t leisure time but an attempt to deal with a crisis. No doubt the nervous whisper would awaken eventually, but until it did, this was my chance to really focus on finding a solution and listening to suggestions! With any luck, my search would end here, and I could silence the whispers of doom permanently, or at least for a very, very long time!
I stepped into the cavern.
I hadn’t been here since the first few sessions; not that I hadn’t wanted to, but my other duties had interfered, so I’d kept postponing my visits until a hypothetical later time when I’d hoped to provide some help to a drone in need… I hadn’t expected I’d be the one seeking help! Knowing my track record, I really should have known better!
The cavern had changed in the meantime. Not in the usual sense when the hive was concerned, though; the architecture had remained much the same, but the walls and the floor were no longer bare like in the old days. There were moss beds and colorful cushions scattered about, and little potted plants in the walls’ recesses, and drawings, and scented candles - where had we gotten those from? - and a few chiming mobiles hanging near the entrance, and a large gong on a slight podium-like elevation of the floor. The drones were sitting or lounging about, already engaged in conversation, and I hoped to enter unobtrusively lest I startle them or cause them discomfort. One might argue that I wasn’t likely to cause discomfort to anyone, but that probably depended on how one were to define ‘discomfort’, but I was probably overestimating the likelihood of that outcome-
Great, now I was starting to talk like Sunburst. Or Starlight, or Princess Twilight. They probably wouldn’t have felt so awkward in my place, though.
I’d hoped my arrival wouldn’t attract much attention at least until their conversation ended, but the drones noticed me right away and dropped everything to come greet me.
“Thorax!” Feisty exclaimed. “What a nice surprise, seeing you here! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Too long, I’m afraid-”
“We’ve missed you!” another drone chirped.
“Gee, I-”
“We thought you’d never come again!”
“I-”
“We thought you were too busy dealing with the renegades!”
“Uh…”
“But you figured out how to deal with them, right? You’ve dealt with them and now you have the time to devote to the feelings forum and to help us poor souls who still have problems! Ooh, thank you, thank you!”
I cringed and swallowed a lump in my throat. These drones still believed in me, and I was about to disappoint them! Should I have announced my intention to participate in a session, at least to Feisty, so she could relay to the group that I needed help? Would that have been any less of a disappointment to them? Were they too about to stop trusting me?
“Now, now,” Feisty interjected. “Let’s settle down, everyone, and give Thorax some breathing room! We can thank him for dealing with the renegades one at a time! Say, Thorax, how did you do it?”
Many eagerly expectant eyes were fixed on me, accompanied by encouraging smiles. I wanted to crumble in shame. What to tell them?
Say it already!
“I, uh… I appreciate your trust in me, and it means a great deal, but…” Their eyes and smiles went a little bit wider and I felt beads of sweat trickling down my forehead. “...but I’m afraid you got a little ahead of yourselves…”
“What do you mean?” Zygoma gasped.
“I mean…” I sighed and hung my head. “I haven't sorted out the renegades yet. Please don’t hate me! I keep trying but I’m all out of ideas what to do… it feels like the more I try, the worse it gets… everyling seems to have such high expectations of me but I haven’t the faintest idea what I’m doing… I’m sorry, everyone! I’m trying my best, but… but…” I buried my face in my hooves.
A few moments of intense silence passed as I held my breath as a last-ditch effort to keep myself from sobbing. If they turned on me now… Instead, I felt gentle hooves on my shoulders.
“That’s what the feelings forum is for,” said Feisty. “To help those who need help, and we’d be honored to help you.”
“Yeah, we’re sorry,” another drone added. “You’re an inspiration to us all, and we admire you so much that we never imagined you could be struggling!”
“But we’re here now,” another joined in, “just like you’ve been there for us, and we’ll help you figure it out!”
“Aww, thanks, guys! I knew I could count on you!”
We shared a heartfelt hug that helped restore some of my spirits. Not all of my spirits, not even close, but every little bit was an improvement! How could I have ever doubted them?
The group hug eventually broke up and the drones returned to the spots they’d occupied prior to my arrival. I remained where I was, sitting on the bare floor.
“Alright,” Feisty said, “ the next item on today’s agenda will be the renegades and how to help Thorax deal with them. Would anyling like to begin?”
“What’s to say?” a drone exclaimed. “They’re rude, they’re violent, they won’t stop pestering us, they destroy everything they come across-”
“Exactly! They tore up a quilt I was making! It took me two full weeks to get it right, and then Screech and his gang show up and rip it to pieces! Now I’ll have to start all over again, but what’s the point? I just know they’ll do it again and again until I want to kill myself!”
“I know! See that vase over there?” another pointed to a broken-and-glued-together piece of pottery on one of the shelves. “That’s the fifth one they broke this week! I haven’t got any intact ones left!”
“Thorax, do you remember that changeling revealer ointment that a couple of our drones found in Everfree?” Sleuth asked. “Well, they broke that jar! Deliberately! How am I supposed to keep studying the ointment when the last remaining bits of it are contaminated with ceramic shards and dust particles?”
“I can ask Zecora if she can send more-”
“You think the potion is the problem?!” another drone interjected. “These brutes beat up my sister yesterday because she was whistling to herself!”
“Your sister isn’t the only one who got beaten up! I’m fresh out of the infirmary, and I don’t even know what I did to tick them off!”
“You were probably guilty for existing! I barely managed to save my eggs the other day! What could a few eggs have done to them?! Thorax, you’ve got to do something!”
“I know! I’m trying-”
“Please!” She grabbed me by the shoulders. “Please, do something!”
Sleuth pulled her gently away. “Come now, Gossamer, you’re not helping,” he said.
“Indeed,” Feisty spoke up. “We all know the renegades are trouble… much like we all used to be, except some of us have gotten past our violent urges… But Thorax is having a hard time reining them in, so unless we come up with ideas on how to get the renegades to cooperate, things aren’t going to get any better. Does anyling have a constructive suggestion?”
They all looked at one another in a way that suggested none of them had one.
“Anyone?” Feisty tried again. “Anything?”
All she got was more silence. Okay, I may have gotten ahead of myself with that newfound optimism-
“Uh…” a drone finally broke the awkward silence. “I’m guessing you tried telling them to behave themselves, right?”
“More times than I can count,” I sighed. “I’ve been trying ever since I took over and it’s never worked. In fact, you could say it’s working less than it used to because, in the beginning, they at least bothered to hear me out before doing as they pleased…”
“You mind if we beat them up? As in, ambush them or something?”
I winced at the suggestion. “I don’t want violence! Isn’t it bad enough that they’re forcing you all to fight back as a last resort? If we organize an attack against them, it’ll only mean we’re no better than them! Is that what you want? There has to be another way!”
They went silent again.
Something stirred in my mind as I watched them.
“Gossamer,” I asked, “you said they attacked your eggs, didn’t you?”
“Yes?”
“Who’s guarding the eggs now?” Please let it be some arrangement that’ll give me an idea…
She raised a rock lying next to her. Underneath was a hole, in which lay four eggs stuck together with resinous slime, probably for ease of transport. “I am. I’ve decided to never let them out of my sight.”
Though glad to see her eggs safe, I deflated at the revelation. It hadn’t inspired an idea! Maybe I just needed to mull it over, and something would come of it eventually? Too bad ‘eventually’ wasn’t good enough, even if I could count on a delayed inspiration, which I had no promise would dawn on me! I needed something now!
“Why don’t we just execute the renegades and be done with it?” another drone suggested.
I couldn’t have heard that right! “I’m sorry, did you say… ‘execute’ them?”
“Yes.”
“As in, kill them?”
“Yes…” She didn’t sound so sure anymore.
“Absolutely not! We’re done executing people!”
“Even if the lot of them would transform after they see you execute the first few?” she smiled sheepishly, sounding even less sure.
“Even if I somehow managed to convince myself to agree to kill anyone,” I told her, shuddering at the thought, “what promise do I have that any of the others will try to save themselves by transforming last-minute?”
She bit her lip and looked at the ground.
“...what about torturing them?” Cornicle asked hesitantly. “You won’t kill them, but if it hurts enough-”
“No! That’s just as savage as killing them! Maybe even worse!”
“But-”
“Have you ever been tortured?”
“Uh, no…”
“Well I have! Almost every day, in fact! I know exactly what it’s like and wouldn’t wish it on anyone, no matter what they did, and I certainly wouldn’t deliberately subject them to such horrors!”
He too winced and looked away. “Sorry…”
I felt a hoof touch my shoulder.
“Are you okay, Thorax?” Zygoma asked, looking at me wide-eyed.
I realized I was hyperventilating and willed myself to stop. “Yes… no… I…” I rubbed my face and sighed. “I’m sorry, I was hoping you could help me find a civil solution to the problem, but all I’ve gotten so far that I haven’t tried already is something Chrysalis would have come up with… There has to be a better way, I can’t believe there isn’t…”
“Because if there isn’t,” Feisty interjected, “then your reign is founded on an illusion or a lie, even if a good-willed one, and as such, is destined to fail?”
“Something like that, I guess, but it’s not about me. I never even wanted to be a king! It’s about all of you, and about everything I know you can have and deserve to have but will in all likelihood lose if I can’t make this work!”
“Then let’s try harder,” Gossamer said. “If you say it’s possible, then it has to be, and it’s up to us to figure it out!”
The others murmured in agreement and we got back to discussing options. It was sensible for a while: suggestions included civil discussions, setting up clear boundaries, or rewarding good behavior, to name a few; too bad I’d already tried every single one of those things with absolutely no success! A couple of questionable suggestions popped up too, such as punishing the renegades, which I’d technically done but they were persistently failing to report to Proboscis for their assignments, or allowing them to leave the hive, which I had moral and practical qualms about. The group saw my reasons and didn’t press further, thankfully, but I got the impression they too were running out of ideas.
The discussion was indeed dying down by now. Most drones were just sitting in thoughtful silence, and only a few already-tackled suggestions repeated themselves almost absent-mindedly. It only went downwards from there: a few started coming up with ideas I couldn’t seriously consider, ideas that Chrysalis herself may have found too drastic! Imprisoning the renegades for life? An open war against them? What was up with these guys?! Worst of all, they weren’t even seeing the absurdity of what they were advocating for!
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Thorax,” one of them said in the end, “but why did you even ask us for help if you’re going to reject every suggestion?”
“I wasn’t going to,” I told him, “but as it happens, either I’ve already tried it or it goes against everything we’re hoping to achieve!”
“Everything you’re hoping to achieve, you mean?”
“What?!” Gossamer exclaimed. “Are you a renegade in disguise?”
“Why, because we don’t share every single opinion? I’m not a renegade, if you must know, but after today, I’m starting to wonder why I sided with him! Chrysalis at least knew what she wanted and how to get it!”
“You can’t compare someone who’s ruled for centuries to someone who’s just starting out!” Zygoma protested.
“Why not? The guy’s a joke!”
A gong sounded and we all turned to Feisty.
“We seem to have completely run out of ideas and are letting our frustration over the matter get the better of us,” she said. “This will not solve anything! Why don’t we adjourn and come back in a few days, unless any of you wish to discuss something else? We might get more ideas in the meantime!”
Noling was interested in staying there anymore; I wished it hadn’t ended like that, but all things considered, taking a break was probably the best we could do under the circumstances. We definitely needed to cool off a little! As for getting more ideas, I wasn’t so sure it was going to happen. I’d already spent plenty of time trying to come up with something, and though fresh perspective should have helped, I feared it had only done the opposite. As we were leaving, I saw a couple of drones join the one who had expressed his misgivings about me, and it looked like they were agreeing on something. I was too far away to hear them, but I was pretty sure I could guess what they were talking about.
Wonderful… if I was right, not only was I no closer to solving the renegade problem, but some of my reformed subjects were no longer trying to pretend to not have lost trust in me! I had to do something, quick, or the renegades could prevail and bring Chrysalis back!
But what could I do? I’d already exhausted every idea I’d had, and asking for help had done nothing!
Was there anyling else I could ask for help? Psycho, Grim, or some other drone I’d relied on recently? But I’d asked them all already and they hadn’t known either! Some other group in a feelings forum? What promise did I have it would end any differently from this one?
Pharynx? Not likely. He hadn’t helped the first ten times I’d asked him, and for all I knew, he could be leading the renegades or at least helping them! He was still unreformed, after all!
As much as I hated to admit it, there was no one to ask for help. I was alone.
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Aww...poor Thorax...I think I see where this is going though, hopefully a certain two dragons make a cameo soon
I think it's about time a changeling met a certain dragon
Poor guy. He’s over corrected from Chrysalis to the point that standing up for yourself is seen by him as violence.
Fair but firm. They throw a punch, catch it and push it to the ground. Punish them with some shame and exhaustion, maybe!
I hope he finds someone to gain some confidence. He has a backbone given how firm he is with those he’s seeking advice from, but he needs to be a bit less hesitant.
All I could think of would be a form of peace keeper/police, although I’m unsure how that would keep up in the long run…
I'm sure a certain Dragon will give you some advice even though you still have to take care of this on your own but still better than nothing
Whoa ok that's a little bit violence 😰
Poor thorax he's really struggling how to get the Renegades to look past this all violence and aggression and it didn't help that the other ones were suggesting either kick them out torturing them and even killing them which that's even worse and that's pretty much going against what thorax was going for and he can ask for anybody in this Kingdom so it looks like he's going to ask from the outside and maybe a certain dragon to give him some advice well I guess we'll find out next time
What Thorax needs to find is balance.
Thorax is currently being too pacifistic and it's clear that despite the time he's spet in the Crystal Empire he's got no idea how ponies deal with similar problems. True he only knows that ponies that drunk got thrown into jail for a night so he might believe they don't have such problems.