The Unstoppable Moron

by aegishailstorm

A Jumpy Rifleman and His Alicorn Friend.

William sprinted back around Fluttershy''s cottage, rifle raised, at first he found the meadow behind her quaint little home empty, he turned to gaze at the near by treeline leading off into the forest. There he saw it. A massive manticore, about 10 feet tall, tail dripping with venom. Its hide was covered in bruises, and it appeared to be bleeding, likely the work of Williams m4 the night prior. It caught sight of William and snarled at him. He growled back.

"It's you, you're the one who put me and my friend in the hospital, you little ####!" The manticore clearly understood him, or at least what he was implying from the tone of his voice. It charged at him. But William knew better, he took aim right at the creatures head, and opened fire. The first shot went high, striking the creature on its tail, 3 rounds struck its maw, and the 2 final rounds hit smack dab in the canter of it skull, sending it crashing to the ground, dead. William kept his rife trained on the creature, walking up to it and poking it with the tip of the muzzle break so as to be absolutely sure it was dead. He chuckled to himself, pleased with his work.

"No so tough without the cover of darkness are ya now!?" He kicked its dead corpse. And turned back towards town.

"Fluttershy may have forgiven you, but I sure as hell didn't. Best not mention this to her." He began walking back.

William had just made it to the edge of town when he heard Joey's voice call out for him. He looked around, and couldn't find him.

"Up here!" William looked up to see Joey flying circles above him.

"I figured it out! This is awesome!" He did a loop in mid air.

"Good for you, now come down here, I'm hungry!" Joey flew down to William and landed several feet away from him.

"It's awesome up there, you know I've flown on airplanes before, but this is different, being able to fly under your own power, its..."

"Exhilarating?"

"Yes." William groaned.

"You know what, lets just go get something to eat, all that flying wore me out!" He turned and trotted of towards town. He watched as Rainbow dash followed him overhead

"But we just ate a few hours ag-" He looked off to see Joey already making his way into town.
"He's acting stranger than normal, but then again, I haven't seen him in 2 years, he's been turned into a completely different species, and he just learned how to fly. Eh, its probably that last thing." He hurried after them.

He followed close behind them, listening in on their conversation.

"Should I tell Joey these things are from a tv show for little girls? Nah, I'll let him have his fun. So long as he doesn't go too overboard." He followed them to what appeared to be the Equestrian version of a fast food dinner. William stepped out of the shadows and walked over to his friend.

"Oh hey William, where you been?"

"What do you mean? I've been right next to you the entire time."

"Oh, really?" Said Rainbow dash, flying down to William.

" 'Cause if I remember correctly, you weren't here before."

"That's because I didn't want you to see me."

"What?" They both raised their eyebrows.

"Nevermind, Food?" Rainbow dash landed, and the 3 of them walked inside. They found it empty.

"Where did everyypony go?" asked Rainbow dash. Studently, the window shutters went down and the lights went off.

"Ambush!" Shouted William. Joey couldn't see much, except for a few flashes of light in the darkness.

"SUPRISE!!!" The lights came back on. And Rainbow and Joey found themselves surrounded by crowd of ponies.

"Here's that party I promised you!" Pinkie jumped out of the crowd. Joey looked over at William, who had a pony in one arm, knife hovering over its neck, and an mp5 aimed at the crowd in the other. He realized he wasn't in any danger.

"Oh god, I'm sorry!" He dropped the pony and lowered his sub machine gun.

"I thought you were someone else!" The pony walked away from him without responding and joined the crowd.

"William, what was that?" The main six, and Joey collectively asked him at the same time.

"Sorry, It's just, I hate surprises, and parties, and I was on edge, not sure why."

"Ok, just, don't do it again, alright?" Asked Rainbow dash.

"Alright." William slipped his knife away into a sheath."

"Who wants cake!" William turned to see a freakishly large cake sitting in the center of the room.

"Maybe later, you got any burgers? "

"We sure do!" Said the pony behind the counter, who rushed back into the kitchen, and came out a few seconds later with a platter of food. The 3 of them sat down at one of the tables. William grabbed a glass of water.

"So, William, Joey's been telling me all about you life in highschool, I guess we aren't so different after all." She nudged his elbow. William spit out a mouthful of water and pulled his arm away in disgust.

"You told her!?"

"Well, yeah."

"Man, you have any Idea the lengths I go to to keep my life secret from the rest of society?"

"Sorry."

"Well, your apology doesn't exactly exactly help now, best just move on, try not to spill everything to the colorful horses next time, alright?"

"hehem."

"Oh, sorry guys, forgot." The waitress came trotting up with their food.

"Here you go, three hayburgers, and fries. Don't worry about paying, its on us. Besides, it's not everyday a new alicorn comes to town, or... you I suppose." She eyed William.

"Oh for the love of- that was 4 years ago!!!"

"And, do you have salt?"

"Uh, yes, I'll be right back." He looked over at Rainbow, and the rest of the six, who where devouring their burgers. Joey was poking at his skeptically.

"Uh, something looks weird about this thing."

"Try it!" Replied Rainbow.

"Well, ok." He raised the burger to his face with his hooves, and took a bite. The look on his face changed into an enormous grin and he began devouring it like the rest of them.

"MFFHFHFHHH, William, you've got to try this, its amazing!" He looked at his own burger, and took a bite, which he immediately spit out.

"GAHHH!!!!, THIS TASTES LIKE AN OLD BROOMSTICK!!!" Just then he realized why they were called "Hay burgers" To begin with.

"Uh, Joey, hate to ruin your fun, but that's hay you're eating. "

"What?" He stopped chewing for a moment, and looked down at his burger, sure enough, there was hay in it.

"You know what, I don't even care, this thing is delicious!" He kept eating.

"Note to self, ponification changes one's taste, how much, I don't know." He shoved his burger over to Joey.

"You can have the rest of this thing, hopefully the cake isn't so bad." Thankfully, it wasn't horrible, but the party, loud noises, and the general mood of the setting were starting to get to him. He took his cake, and slumped down on a bench outside in the dark.

"First day back, and I already hate it here, I miss combat. " As he finished his cake he began to think of ways to cheer himself up.

"Ahh I got it. They've got a party in there, I'll give them some fireworks!!!" He cackled, and manifested an m32 grenade launcher in existence, being sure to load it up with non lethal multi colored tracer rounds, and began firing into the sky. The partygoers came outside to watch.

"Wow, William, we're you learn how to how to do that!?" Asked Joey.

"Figured it out myself!" Replied William. He continued the show for about 5 minutes.

"Alright, I'm tired." He made his grenade launcher disappear, and turned to face the crowd.

"Alright, show over, you can go home now. To his surprise, they actually listened, and the 8 of them soon found themselves alone in the street.

"Wow, if this worlds got one thing going for it, it's short attention spans. "William looked over at them.

"Well, where can we stay for the night?"

"Uhhh, follow me." Replied Twilight. She led the 2 of them towards the enormous crystalline spire on the edge of town. As they got closer, William realized that it was a... castle?

"How the hell did you guys build that th-Oh, nevermind." She led the 2 of them inside, William was for the most part unimpressed he had the same type of architecture a thousand times before, Joey on the other hand was staring at it, jaw open.

"Its... Amazing."

"Well, best get used to it man." Twilight led them into a medium sized room on the second floor.

"One of the good things about having a massive castle, you never run out of guest rooms." The 2 of them made themselves at home as best they could.

"I'm right down the hallway if you need anything, alright?" Twilight left the room leaving William and Joey alone in the dark.

"Yes, I can't thank you enough for your hospitality Twilight." Replied Joey, slumping back into his bed.

"Wow, today was probably the best day of my life, maybe this whole pony thing isn't so bad after all, right William?" He looked over at his friend on the far side of the room to find him already asleep, clutching a scar hammer like a teddy bear.

"Well, good night." As he began to fall asleep he heard a distant scream echo out across the valley.

"That's, probably nothing. "

Comments

[Aresnightsworn]

Bullets, the worlds greatest problem solvers. P.S I found it ironic that I share the name of our walking-armoury-protagonist.

[Wild Stallion]

"Fluttershy may have forgiven you, but I sure as hell didn't. Best not mention this to her." He began walking back.

She'll never find you...

Laying on the ground behind her own house!

Mwa ha ha ha mwwwa ha ha ha ahhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha!

"Well, good night." As he began to fall asleep he heard a distant scream echo out across the valley.

Oops.