Harmannoyed

by Tirimsil

Ch. 14 :: He's Back

Izzy felt funny. Really heavy. Like the time she first learned what "firesalt" was. Izzy had a bad habit of jumping in with four hooves. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to open them. Did she fall asleep on the train? What time was it?

"Hahaha, the fools awaken at last," called a whiny voice in what he probably thought was a villainous drawl.

"Izzy's an idiot, but don't talk about my sister like that," a snippy voice chastised him. "You're on thin freaking ice, you son of a walking beehive."

"Oh sure I can't call your sister a fool but you can just talk about my moooom?! And you know what they say about the best-laid plans..."

Izzy looked up with bleary eyes as two ponies came into focus. "Wha..?" She tried to move, but seemed to be tied to something really heavy. There was a small table in front of her. Aw crud, someone's gonna yank out all my teeth 'n' put 'em on that table, she imagined. Then she gave a sleepy smile. Never mind, there's no ghost-teeth on the table, I'm good.

She was in a dark room with no windows and harsh lights - exactly like she'd tried to recreate to interrogate Dahlia. There was a kitchen islet in the far corner, and Izzy realized she was feeling a bit peckish. As a unicorn, she was amazed by even the simplest modern kitchen. This one had the sink, fridge, and that magical box that made bowls clean. A wood block with a bunch of knives stuck in it. A microwave? A toaster!

And Pipp, sitting there slowly drinking her tea between bites of toast, holding the cup like she was trying very hard not to break it with her hooves, glaring daggers across the room at...

"Long time no see," the red face with the slicked-back yellow hair smirked. "How serendipitous that I expected you to track me down eventually!"

"Did mommy teach you that word, Sprout," Pipp jabbed.

"Yes -- I mean shut up!" Sprout stamped. "Why are you being like this."

"You kidnapped me," Pipp reminded him.

"I knew it," Izzy mumbled.

"Wha..?" Zipp mumbled, blinking her eyes open. They widened as soon as she saw Sprout. "Aw hecks nah," she slurred, and began struggling weakly in her binds.

"How'd we get here," Izzy racked her easily-distracted brain to try to remember.

Pipp sighed, loudly. "Zipp led the charge into HarmoSync HQ and the two of you got got by Recalloids."

"Oh," Izzy pouted. "We shoulda thought of that."

"Yep," Zipp admitted.

"Indeed," Sprout drew himself up, "You otherwise uncovered my entire nefarious plot!"

There was an awkward pause.

"Would rather keep your plot covered, actually," Zipp contradicted.

He scowled, closing his eyes indignantly. "After my ignominious defeat, I, Sprout, took my remaining funds --"

"And some mommy-money," Pipp interjected.

"-- and-some-mommy-money and invested!" Sprout rose a tense hoof and stared up at the ceiling. "I knew that the unification of the three great cities would bring about a massive boom in the market! So I bought controlling shares in a few key companies."

"Ecru for the clothes, Secretary@ for the typewriters, Warhorse Electronics for most of the tech, Whinny Records for the music, and Hayburger for the heck of it," Izzy listed off.

"Hm!" Sprout stroked his chin with a raised eyebrow. "Someone's been connecting dots. These five companies rapidly expanded into these new markets."

"Not Bridlewood, we don't have electricity," Izzy reminded him.

"You still like a good burger, though," Sprout insisted. "And burning them over wood gives a unique flavor."

"... They are pretty good," Izzy nodded weakly and looked back down at the floor as Sprout preened himself.

"With these fortunes, and altered schematics from CanterLogic's old projects, I was able to realize my master plan!" Sprout drew himself up.

"Makin' a robot army?" Zipp guessed.

"... uh..." Sprout fidgeted awkwardly. "Pretty much!" He smiled widely. "The Harmonoids were an excellent cover - and one that secured unexpected levels of funding, as well! But the Recalloids, which you've unfortunately brought to public attention before their scheduled debut, are the real project."

"You absolute pig," Izzy condemned in her most hateful voice, "You were calling ponies your 'Best Friends' to set up a cult of personality so that they'd patronize your bullpoopy corporate power grab and trust the robot police you were gonna enforce as a totalitarian dictator..."

"What she said," Zipp nodded along.

"Honestly," he shrugged, "I don't know if the 'Best Friends' thing even matters. Who'd argue with the robot police?"

"I might," Izzy and Zipp said at once.

"Don't you dare skip over the part where you kidnap your own actresses when they get outed," Pipp slapped the counter, making Sprout jump and glance over at her nervously. "No, go on, explain how that figures into your stupid plan."

"Um," Sprout cleared his throat. "W-well, there was a bit of a mix-up with Dahlia."

"Oooooh? How's that."

"Uh..." Sprout fidgeted with his hair. "Well, for one, I told them to 'make it look like a real kidnapping'. But they tried to make it look like one to her too, which, uh, wasn't necessary."

"You have fortunately amended that mistake," Pipp gave a big, dangerous smile.

"But also, uh," Sprout looked anywhere but at her. "Dahlia wasn't... actually... accepted as an actress..."

"That's right." Pipp stared him down. "She wasn't."

"I'm working it out, okay?!" Sprout stamped. "I told the Recalloids to capture and I quote 'anyone publicly identified as a Twin Soul'! I just... neglected to tell them to only capture them if they actually were a Twin Soul!"

"Mmm," Pipp nodded over and over like an angry chicken, her smile growing wide and toothy, "Wow, I sure hope you didn't kidnap anyone else you weren't supposed to." And she leapt up and smacked the counter with both hooves. "LIKE A PRINCESS!!"

Sprout recoiled. "It gets sympathy for the braaaaand!" he stamped.

"You're an idiot too," Pipp dismissed him. She hissed and jumped back as the door opened and Cheerful☆Harmonoid heavily sauntered in, balancing a huge tray on her back.

"Room service, cheer!" the rotund marebot piped with a smile.

Sprout cringed, then cleared his throat, drawing himself up, one hoof pulling at the collar he wasn't wearing. "You two must be hungry," he drawled as Cheerful☆ carefully set two paper bags on the counter next to Pipp. "I will need to think about what to do with all of you after I've, eh, taken over the world. Stay here, you'll be safe and there's enough food until I get back. A pity I couldn't nab Sunny and Hitch, they'll be a pain in the butt to deal with..." He grumbled as he shambled to the door, leaned in with a suspicious look both ways, and covered his hoof while tapping in a code.

When the door opened, Cheerful☆ obediently left at Sprout's gesture, then giggled. Phoomp! they heard as she fired a tennis ball down the corridor for no apparent reason. As Sprout sighed and followed, the door closed on his tail behind him. "YOWCH!!" he yelped, pulling his tail free and leaving the three of them alone.

Regaining her senses, Izzy began to realize that one, Pipp was staring at her and was probably really angry with her and that made her heart hurt, and two, she was pretty darn hungry.

"Hey Pipp..?" she decided to work on both of these problems at once, "Could ya bring those bags over to us, please..."

Pipp gave a huge, exaggerated sigh, rolled her eyes, and seized the bags with her wings, stomping over and slapping one down onto Izzy's table, setting Zipp's down more gently.

"Thank you," Izzy offered sadly, "And I'm sorry."

"Sorry for what." Pipp spat, working to remove Zipp's binds first. "Ruining my public image and life in general again?"

"Treating you like a toy in a silly game," Izzy clarified as Zipp quickly freed her from her own ties. "Even though I was right about HarmoSync, I didn't respect you and I acted like a foal and if I'd been a little more mature you wouldn't have gotten kidnapped by robots and I wouldn't have pooped all over your really nice song about how happy you are that we're friends and we could've taken down HarmoSync properly together."

Pipp crossed her forelegs, wings-a-fluttering, and sighed. "Fine," she said. "I accept your apology."

"The chorus is really good," Zipp praised, double-taking and plucking the tennis ball off of Izzy's horn.

"Yeah, it's too bad the readers can't hear it," Izzy added, magically ruffling her bag open and taking a half-hearted bite of whatever was in there, just barely waiting to get the paper off. "Mm," she admitted with her mouth full, "Goff, theef ah goo burbrrs."

Zipp hopped back to her chair, fished out a burger, and took a bite. She closed her eyes and nodded, chewing thoughtfully and swallowing. "He may be a momma's boy and a dweeb but I guess Sprout knows a good burger when he eats one."

"Yeah cool, you two stuff your faces I guess," Pipp shrugged, trotting back to her seat at the kitchen counter. "We've got all the time in the world unless we figure out how to get outta this dump. Any ideas?"

"Mm!" Izzy objected, holding a hoof up and chewing.

Pipp glared and waited twenty-odd minutes for Izzy and Zipp to devour their burgers, fries, and sodas in relative quiet. Then, after the annoying blurble of Izzy sucking on her straw with a now-empty cup died down, the unicorn hopped off her chair, skipped lightly to the door with its electronic numpad, and with a quick series of pulses from her horn, got it to open.

"... Wha..." Pipp blinked.

"I'm psychic!" Izzy beamed, pointing to her horn. "Kind of! I could 'see' what numbers Sprout tapped when he left. C'mon!" She turned and headed out the door.

---

"What-do-you-mean 'why'd I voice a Harmonoid'!" Pipp objected. "Generous☆ was made for me! Hashtag me IRL!"

Izzy quite forgot she was talking with them, looking all around the tall, narrow corridors with wonder as they searched for the way out. Pipes, wires, boxes, and switches covered and made up the walls as though they were just scattered around for scenery and not actually designed with intuitive function in mind. There wasn't even enough room for a pegasus to fly in here, the princesses were walking. And it was really dark. Her glowing horn cast stark shadows dancing in the labyrinth of mechanics that spooked her a little bit. And she was still hungry.

"The paycheck can't hurt," Zipp looked pointedly away.

"The paycheck ain't squat!" Pipp stopped to stamp. "We're princesses! Everyone's paycheck is our paycheck."

"See, saying stuff like that is why ponies are cool with kidnapping us," Zipp scowled.

"Okay fine, so the extra spending money is low-key abap," Pipp rolled her eyes and trotted to catch up with Izzy's longer stride, "But it really wasn't a big concern for me."

"You coulda let somebody else who did need the job take it," Zipp insisted.

"They should've worked harder," Pipp sniffed, her head held high. "Why you all up in my biz?"

"I'm trying to get you to admit why you really wanted the job," Zipp replied matter-of-fact.

"And what reason is that?!"

"Becauuuuse," Izzy answered without thinking or looking, "... it was the only part of your life that wasn't broadcast to the whole world and subject to your family's approval."

"I..!" Pipp sighed and audibly deflated. "Y... yeah. I guess."

"Not true, she also turns it off when she poops," Zipp jabbed. "We don't inspect that, either."

"Zipp!" Pipp squealed in scandal. "You know princesses don't do that --" Then she gasped. "Izzy! Watch out!"

Huh?

DOOONNGGGnnnnggnnngg...

Startled by the sudden echoing sound and flash of sparks, Izzy felt herself stumbling back and dropping to her knees, her eyes slamming shut. Then she realized there was a horrible searing pain rapidly growing throughout her entire horn, threatening to split her head in half like a coconut.

"Omigosh..!" She heard Pipp trot to her side. "Are you okay..?!"

"RRRRRRRRRRGH!!!" Izzy's hooves slammed against the ground and the baleful eyes of a banshee, now the only light in the utter darkness besides the red and green bips of the local machinery, glared back at the tiny pegasian, fiery and watering, causing her to squeak and flee back. "Do I withering look okay, Pipp?" Izzy growled. "I just bashed my daffodilling horn on this kerfuffling..!" She glanced up and blinked through her tears of agony. "This kerfuffling whatever that was! Aaagh, windigo kids!"

For the passage Izzy had just attempted to travel was designed for - and, presumably, by - an average pegasus. They were a bit on the short side, and had no horns. Izzy, however, was a whole hand taller than Pipp before accounting for the several inches of horn. So of course, the many doohickeys jutting out across the claustrophobic passageway were not quite enough clearance for her, most notably the massive pipe she had just bonked her horn on.

And a bonked horn was one of the best ways to get an unhappy Izzy Moonbow. Especially when she was also hungry.

"W-whoa, whoa, watch the language..!" Zipp called, raising one wing defensively in the darkness. Pipp had fled back from Izzy and clung to the general position of her sister.

"Uh, bingbong?" Pipp glanced back and forth anxiously between the two. "How many of those do we need?"

"Go bingbong a tree," Izzy hissed. She kept her horn low, held out a hoof to find the pipe, ducked under it, and shuffled onwards in a grump.

Comments

[Tirimsil]

It finally happens.

As I was writing this story, I became keenly aware that horn-bonking was being mentioned too often, which ruined the big event. So I removed most mentions of horn-bonking from the story. Of course, my story is not the only one people are reading and even if it was those mentions are over 10 chapters apart, so they may not even remember that it was foreshadowed in the first chapter and echoed here word-for-word, but whatever.