Pony Fortress 2
Written By SuperBronyStudios
It was a normal sunny day in Ponyville.The wind was flowing .It was getting cold but the ponies didn’t mind. Rainbow Dash was bored and had nothing to do,the wind was too strong for her to fly and The Wonderbolts were performing, not in Canterlot where the wind was less massive. Rarity was making another hat for an up upcoming picnic with Pinkie Pie and Twilight. Twilight was learning a new spell from a spell book, meanwhile Spike was playing Team Fortress 2 on The Computer which The Doctor left behind after Twilights recent adventure with him
"Aha! I’ve finally found out how to perform this spell!" Twilight beamed "Have you FINALLY found out to make me grow strong!" Spike asked jumping in joy
"No. I have finally learnt to make a mind spell. "I must call our friends!" That afternoon Twilight raced to get Pinkie Pie. Much to her surprise Pinkie wasn’t hiding in the woods to wait for Applejack (Applejack) so she could scream "Cumquat!" Rarity (as usual) was at her home finishing her hat. "Oh Rarity! That hat is wonderful, can I wear it? HUH? HUH? Can I?" Pinkie Pie said hopping in her usual fashion.
"Why sure Darling" Replied Rarity giving Pinkie the hat.
"Anyways, Rarity I need you to come with me I learnt a new spell that I want to share with you and the others" Twilight said.
And with that the three ponies trotted away to get the others. After a half-an-hour of searching The Mane 6 were together and in Twilights library
"I have called you here for a good reason. I have learnt a new spell" Twilight said
"Does it make me fly through wind?" Rainbow said sarcastically
"No, anyways this spell will allow anypony to anything as long as the spell is summoned.
"Oh um...T-Twilight I’m not sure i-if this is safe.." Fluttershy said meekly
"Don't worry sugar cube we'll be alright" Applejack replied.
"Now you must all sit and think as I preform this spell" Twilight said nervously.
As every pony sat down thinking Spike hearing this thought exactly what he wanted and he thought very hard.
Before any pony could open their eyes, they were in a large ware house,..its was very content and quite peaceful..until Twilight looked and she saw rainbow dash in a hat, strange bandage type objects on her hooves, and a red shirt followed with a bat.
"Twilight! tell Rarity to give me back my sandwich!" Rainbow said flying every where.
Rarity was on the ceiling in a hockey mask and suit and was carrying a sandwich. Twilight looked at herself finding out she had a T-shirt on and an eye patch "Ugh deja-vu" She said slapping her head with her hoof. "Hey where’s Pinkie Pie?" Rarity said scartching scratching her mane in confusion. Just then Pinkie Pie ran in a robe with a strange rifle in her hand "Fluttershys okay guys!" Fluttershy walked through the waiting room with a red shirt and a bullet belt.
Twilight found a note on the ground which reads.
"To leave this world you must defeat the mares in blue"
"Mares in blue....mares in blue" Twilight pondered for a moment. Just then an alarm went off.
"GET THEM!" cried a voice in the distance.The 6 mares looked in shock. For it was them in blue. They saw exact clones of themselves, only, all colored different shades of blue.
"Lets do this!" Rainbow Dash said triumphantly.
The six mares charged outside, Twilight stood inside the large facility... dumb founded. Soon Twilight ran outside to find out and all hell was breaking loose, it was complete chaos. Rainbow kept hitting a complete clone of herself with a bat several times. Rarity was stabbing a blue clone of Pinkie Pie in the hoof and afterwards throwing her off the side of her. Apple Jack bombed a clone of Spike out a boxcar blowing him up into the air.
"This wrist band is frigin" sweet, it has ME on it!" Rainbow beamed. AJ's eyes rolled although you couldn't tell because she had goggles on.
"ooooh" Fluttershy said. "I don't think this is very good guys, not good at ALL"
Then within a flash a clone of Fluttershy comes out of no where (nowhere) and steals Gummy...from Fluttershy (The original one) and the other mares (the ones in blue) rejoiced and re-treated to the other side of the land or..ware house as it were
There is absolutely no way a story with a synopsis that looks like that can possibly be good.
I can't tell if you're being serious about this fan fic or you're trolling. Either way, please refer to this fan fiction and check out the chapter for Team Fortress 2.
Luna Plays
Edit: I'm not the best at grammar as well, but that's not excuse for not making the story actually enjoyable.
1341348 i am indeed serious, although i will accept critism may you please inform me on how to improve
1341438 For one thing, format your dialogue from your paragraphs. (Seperate talking stuff from the detail/main paragraph stuff)
1341485 thnx
Hmm.... reading later.
Edit: Well... that seemed... rushed. Everything just happened too quickly. We didn't really bother with dialog between the friends before getting back to the library, and I was sort of confused by the point of the spell and how it failed. The first time it is mentioned, it's called a "mind spell," and the second time... it's a transportation spell?
Hello, my name is electreXcessive, and today I will be offering you a review. You may choose to accept my review or delete it and ignore it; either way is fine with me. So, let’s start off with one of the most important parts of the story, which is the title. Pony Fortress 2? That doesn’t seem very original, considering that the concept you are trying to adhere to has been done hundreds of times before. There are other TF2 crossovers with names that are more creative and thought out, I would consider trying to make this more original.
Second thing that I’ll take a look at is the description. Okay, this description is extremely bland and not captivating. As I’ve said before, you need to add some pow to your description in order to draw the reader in. Maybe instead of what you have now, you could use something like: “When Twilight learns a new spell, she is more than eager to share its effects with her friends. After Spike makes a mistake during the spell, everypony present is transported into a strange new world where nothing is as they have ever seen before. Using the power of teamwork and friendship, they must overcome their new opposition and find a way back home or die trying.”
Now I’ll get on to reviewing the actual story, anything that I alter will be in parenthesis next to the object being altered.
Notes:
This is very rushed and kind of bland honestly. You do a lot of telling and not showing. You could easily make this chapter extend by thousands of words if you describe everything in detail for the reader. What is the location like? How do the ponies find the weapons? Why are they so accepting of the circumstances? You have to answer all of these questions.
That brings up another point; OoC characters. Fluttershy would not be okay killing and Rainbow would not be wailing. You have a lot of work to do and there were plenty of grammar and spelling errors. The next chapter needs some work if you want to improve. I hope you take my advice and I apologize if you feel that I’m being rude or condescending; I know how hard it is to get critiqued. I’m just trying to be brutally honest with you so that you can improve and grow in the future.
LAST ONE ALIVE, LOCK THE DOOR!!!!!
1341753 i will indeed keep this up and again, Thank You.
1341855 *locks door* now what?
1341753 Thanks for editing this
ENGINEER IS A SPY!
SOILDER IS A SPY!
MEDIC IS A SPY!
SCOUT IS A SPY!
PYRO IS A SPY!
SNIPER IS A SPY!
HEAVY IS A SPY!
DEMOMAN IS A SPY!
SPY IS A DOUBLE-AGENT!!
1341753 Daaaaamn.
I would be scared if you did that on my stories. I already have to deal with a couple of your lot.
1343966
I have to be harsh so that the author can improve. The TWE is not just all about "choo choo! Your shit sucks lol," we want to help struggling authors improve. I hate seeing fellow authors get their work shunned after they put it out for the world to see; so I review it and try to give impartial advice and helpful tips.
The reason that we're so harsh is because we want you to take our advice (if you want of course), fix up your fic, and shove it in our faces saying: "Did I fix it enough for you Elec?" I want to he able to then look at it and shutter at the sheer brilliance that you've created; in essence, I want you to fix it and make me eat my own words.
Sorry if I'm ranting, I'm just really passionate about this.