Equestrian Football League

by bobdat

Draft

“Hello everypony aaand welcome to Everfree Radio Music Hall here in Maaanehatten. I'm Radio Dave and here with me for our coverage of the first round of the EFL Draft (brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - the cider that's so sweet it'll knock you outta your boots!) is our resident expert, retired wide receiver Butterfingers Jim - but we all know him as just Jim. Ain't that right, Jim?”
“Sure as I dropped that pass in the Superbowl it is.”
“We've got just fifteen beautiful minutes between us and the first round of this, the twenty-twelve Equestria Football League draft, and the atmosphere here in the hall is just electric, eh Jim?”
“Like a toaster dropped into a bathtub.”
“Of course almost all of our faithful listeners here on Radio Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition will know all about the ten teams battling it out for the Superbowl crown, but for those foals among us who, heh, are too young to remember their names, here's the rundown. Remember folks, Radio Dave's Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition here on Fillydelphia Radio Network, the most exciting radio broadcaster since it was invented here in Fillydelphia and not, as some suggest, by a pony in Baltimare, is brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider - if you're not drinking it, you must be choking!”

“Following an abysmal season, going 0-13 and setting numerous unwanted record such as lowest attendance and worst hot dog, picking first will be the Ponyville Packers! Under new management of course, they'll be looking to set some good records this season - maybe even boost the crowd to double figures!”
“Up second are the Baltimare Ravens who, as you will all remember, cheated in that final game last season to finish 1-12. Although they're picking second, all of the experts agree that they're guaranteed to go 0-13 this time.”
“Third is the Drum n Beats, with their eccentric owner Vinyl Scratch sitting in the centre of the front row here in Everfree Radio Music Hall. Let's hope his money isn't wasted again this year, as the Beats look to build upon a pathetic 4-9 record.”
“After the Beats come the Canterlot Chargers. Unlucky last season with the injury to their star quarterback, they're looking to rebuild under new management and push for a playoff spot. Of course, with Royalty frequently spotted in their home crowds, they'd better not disappoint or they might be the Moon Chargers next year!”
“To the moooooon!”
“Okay thank you Jim. Piiiicking fifth are the We$t$ide Flutter$hy$ - changing their name in the offseason to reflect their new owner, who said in a recent interview that he 'loves bling' and 'loves money' but he 'loves money more than bling'. Clearly an intelligent man, we're expecting big things from the $hy$.”

“Starting the second half are the Indianeighpolis Colts. Traditionally a young team, last season's Colts went 6-7 with an impressive passing record. Their team have matured now and will be looking for a winning record for the first time since before they were born.”
“Seventh are the New England Ponies - with a new coach this year, they'll be a force to be reckoned with. Expect an easy winning record and a push into the playoffs to match this last season's efforts. New England, new team.”
“I don't even need to tell you good folks that picking eighth are the invincible Fillydelphia Eagles. Expect big things from this team, including a Superbowl win! After the disappointing loss last season in the championship round, we're going to go all the way this year and the players will bring glory back to Fillydelphia!”
“Ninth are the Coltorado Broncos. Hammered 40 to nothing in the superbowl game at the end of last season, they've cured the drunkenness problem in their ranks and should reach the playoffs once again. Investigations of match fixing are of course, total nonsense.”
“And the last pick goes to the Horseshoe Bay Gallopers. The Gallopers are defending champions this year after throwing four touchdowns in the superbowl. Their team is already strong and they'll build on it in this draft. A challenge for all of the teams save the Eagles.”

“What are your final thoughts on this draft as we wait for it to get underway, Jim?”
“Go Eagles!”
“Never a truer word spoken as the commissioner steps up to the podium. This also seems like a good opportunity to remind all you listeners that I'm Radio Dave and this is my Super Sporting Super Hour Super-Draft-Edition, brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider; there's never been a better time to take up drinking, and when you do, make it Sweet Apple Acres Cider. Here's the commissioner.”
“Hello everypony, and welcome to the EFL twenty-twelve draft. I'm pleased to welcome all ten teams in the league tonight, so without further ado, we'll start the clock. The season starts here.”
“Aaaand with that the Packers are on the clock. I'm looking forward to this one, are you Jim?”
“I'm looking forward to this more than I looked forward to getting married, Dave.”
“Interesting Jim, anyway it seems as if we already have a decision.

“With the first pick of the draft, the Ponyville Packers take Aaron Rodgers, quarterback.”
“A somewhat predictable pick there Jim, but it seems to have surprised some in the audience.”
“I'm more surprised than the time when I discovered my daughter was smoking-”
“Aaaaand here he comes, Mr. Rodgers is shaking the hand of the Packers owner and holding up a shirt with his new number on it, very nice. The Ravens are now on the clock, and it appears from up here that the buffoons still can't make up their mind. Oh no, here's the decision, they're giving it in. Thankfully it's multiple choice or they probably would have failed to choose a player.”

“With the second pick of the draft, the Baltimare Ravens pick Arian Foster, running back.”
“If he's not injured within five minutes of the season opened, I'll eat my hooves Jim.”
“I'll eat something poisonous, too.”
“Anyway, the unlucky Foster shakes the hand of the so-called owner and they disappear off to discuss how poorly he'll perform this season. Now on the clock are the Beats, who look like they are deep in conversation. Of course, the running back situation this year is especially difficult to call. Oh wait, it looks like they've decided - we've got a quick draft this year folks, looks like you'll be able to catch the end of Horseshoe Shore!”

“With the third pick of the draft, the Drum n Beats pick Ray Rice, running back.”
“Interesting pick, the running back are running off the board this time around, the pool of talent is just magnificent this year. The college systems around the country should be proud.”
“Oh, I didn't get to college Dave.”
“Well your NFL record says you were drafted two hundred and ninth from South Manehatten State?”
“Oh, you meant college? I thought you meant degrees and stuff.”

“With the fourth pick of the draft the Canterlot Chargers take LeSean McCoy, running back.”
“And that's the top three running backs off the board. The teams will now need to look at other options to improve their offences, and defences, to counter the killer running plays that these three teams will be using. What would you suggest, Jim?”
“Oh, I really don't know anything about offence. I left that to the offensive players during my career.”
“It looks as if the $hy$ have made their choice.”

“With the fifth pick of the draft, the We$t$ide Flutter$hy$ pick Chris Johnson, running back.”
“Looks as if they're concerned about the run-dominated league we're going to be having this year. Only one quarter back taken so far, and so many of the elite still there on the board. The Eagles will need to pull of an excellent pick in order to counter these new-look offences. The Colts are currently on the clock but they can't decide, and time is ticking away. They're going to cut if pretty fine, but no, looks like they're okay.”

“With the sixth pick of the draft, the Indianeighpolis Colts pick Tom Brady, quarterback.”
“Now we see the emergence of the elite quarterbacks. They're going to be required to put the points on the board; I'm expecting some high scoring games, what about you Jim?”
“I'm expecting high scoring games more than I was expecting my third daughter!”
“Now the Ponies are on the clock but the mighty Eagles are up next. They'll probably draft one of the elite quarterbacks, looking like we say, to get some high-scorers.”

“With the seventh pick of the draft, the New England ponies pick Calvin Johnson, wide receiver.”
“A top quality receiver, that will make them a tough team to beat. The corner backs will need to be exceptional to cover him, but thankfully the Eagles covering team look excellent this year. And we've made our pick, which quarterback will it be?”

“With the eighth pick of the draft, the Fillydelphia Eagles pick Maurice Jones-Drew, running back.”
“And there it is, the expected running back. He's something of a bargain as the eighth pick, I would have expected him to go far higher, maybe even top three Jim?”
“But you said we wanted a quarterback?”
“Like the coach, I've spotted an excellent prospect just begging to be taken in the second round. Anyway, the Broncos are on the clock and taking their time. Maybe they're writing an essay to explain who they're picking?”

“With the ninth pick of the draft, the Coltorado Broncos pick Drew Brees, quarterback.”
“Looks like no superbowl appearance for the Broncos as they choose the wrong strategy of taking an elite quarterback early. It's become clear that every team needs to work on their running game here. We've got the final pick of the first round upcoming and the Gallopers have already made their choice, they clearly know who they want.”

“With the tenth pick of the draft, the Horseshoe Bay Gallopers pick Marshawn Lynch, running back.”
“With a solid pick like that we'll definitely be seeing the Gallopers as contenders this season. Their running game is already strong and they'll be able to really take it to the opponents. The Eagles' coach will have to think carefully about how to organise the defence. What do you think, Jim?”
“I think the coach always has to think carefully.”
“And with that useful bit of inside knowledge from my companion Jim we'll sign off; the first round is done. We'll be bringing you live coverage of the second and third rounds tomorrow night unless the station decides to have that Michelle back on instead. Anyway, this is adios from both of us here in Manehatten and we hope you tune in next time to hear who the Eagles take as their second and third picks! I'm Radio Dave and this is the Super Sporting Hour Super-Draft Edition, brought to you by Sweet Apple Acres Cider; trust us, when you wake up the next day, you'll have acres all over.”

Comments

[OneLonelyPickle]

Goddammit. As if I didn't hate football enough already. Now it's starting to seep into MLP.

No. Just, no. Football has never been, and will never be, an entertaining sport. It's a bunch of idiots running into each other while bigger idiots cheer them on and even bigger idiots commentate about it.

[Distrance]

1212804

That's a pretty bias opinion there.

[overlord-flinx]

Done right, this can be amazing... Good luck.

[bobdat]

1212804
That's partly why I tried to parody it a bit, but everyone has their opinions. I personally can't stand tennis and don't even get me started on lacrosse and hockey. But I respect the fans of those sports - each to their own.

1213203
Thanks :) I'll do my best.

[OneLonelyPickle]

1213047 Just to let you know, that was the stupidest comment I've seen / heard all day.

Opinions by definition are BIASED. They're BELIEFS; that is, they're not formed on fact but on feeling. Of course I'm going to be a little harsh on it based on my tastes. It's MY opinion. You need to take into account people's opinions when you publish a story like this. That's the whole reason why I posted what I posted.

1214274 Wow... for once an author has more respect towards my insult of his story than fellow readers. Huh, that's a new entry for the old "Book of Firsts". Thanks for not whining about it. To be honest, I didn't really give your story a try, but I'm sure football fans would like it. There are a scant amount of football / MLP crossovers. In fact, based on how basketball isn't as popular in the US as football, and that a basketball crossover was featured on EQD, there could be a lot of potential in such a parody. Keep it up with that in mind. There's definitely an audience out there for this sort of writing... you just gotta hook 'em :)

[bobdat]

1222378
I read the basketball one, it's pretty good. I'd recommend it to anyone who hasn't read it yet.