Sunset Shimmer walked through the dark hallway of the temple, coming upon a symbol. A sith holocron, she felt the darkside radiate off of it, though only a fraction of what she had felt from the real thing. She reached out to it causing it to reach back. She saw flashbacks of herself, the piercing yellow eyes of a sith and anger radiating like a whirlwind. She remembered the power it gave her, the power she had craved and to be honest she still did. Before she could see much she was pushed back, when she opened her eyes Rarity had parried her blade away from the symbol on the wall and she glared at Sunset. She quickly deactivated her saber, deciding it was better to stay behind Rarity and follow so she didn't get sidetracked again.
They kept moving and eventually came to a large room with an altar on the opposite side and a figure meditating. Sunset shivered as she felt the all to familiar chill of the dark side, but something was wrong, they she had never sensed as much force energy from a sith. Rarity's eyes set on Sunset who had stepped back slightly. Rarity gently grabbed Sunsets hand and Sunset's head twitched to face Rarity, who gave her a reassuring nod.
The figure stood and as they did the cloak they were wearing dropped. Sunset almost dropped her lightsaber hilt as she stumbled back farther and Rarity's eyes widened in shock at the sight of Master Twilight Sparkle who met both their eyes and smirked. She grabbed a twisted lightsaber hilt from her belt and ignited a crimson blade. Both Jedi drew their lightsabers in response and in a flash of red, Twilight sprinted toward them and locked blades with Sunset using wide powerful strokes to redirect their attacks. Twilight knocked Sunsets lightsaber from her hands and attempted to slash at her but sunset used the force to launch herself into the air calling her saber back to her hand and rejoining the duel. In the moments that Sunset wasn't fighting Twilight overpowered Rarity and Sunset shouted with anger as Rarity dropped to the floor.
Outside of the temple Rainbow Dash, AppleJack, Fluttershy began entering the temple. They slowly walked through the hallway examining the symbols. The more they walk into the temple the more concerned they become. Rainbow Dash stops the group and they hear the faint sound of clashing lightsabers. Before anyone can stop her Rainbow Dash runs toward the sound igniting her own dual bladed saber, Applejack and Fluttershy quickly follow to back up their friend.
When they arrive at the altar room Applejack rushes in to aid Sunset and Rainbow while Fluttershy goes to check on Rarity.
Twilight grows a grin as Sunset begins to tire out and she prepares the finishing blow, but before it can be dealt her lightsaber is blocked by a new combatant. Twilight scowls at them and uses the force to create a massive shockwave pushing all of them back before taking advantage of scars in the ceiling to bring down the ceiling. The Jedi attempt to escape but the way is blocked by falling debris they have no choice but to try to use the force to shield themselves as their screams are masked by the sound of rock hitting the floor.
Rarity opens her eyes to darkness and coughs from the dust surrounding her. She realizes that Sunset is still with her and Rainbow, AJ, and Fluttershy are there too. Fluttershy stops Rarity from sitting up because she is hurt and she could hit her head on the rocks above them. She looks around to see Sunset using the force to hold the rocks, Rarity put a hand on her shoulder and Sunsets head turned. Rarity could see her eyes flickering from blue to yellow, Rarity gasped and Sunset grunted with effort as she begun to lift the rocks further up. Sunset began to cry out as the effort began to overwhelm her. Rarity grabs Sunset who reluctantly lets Rarity examine her eyes for a moment before being satisfied. The others tried to help take some of the weight they pushed the rocks off of their position and climbed out onto the top of the pile and as they looked around at the rubble the saw footprints walking off to a place they could only guess.
Duel of fates?
SEND IN THE DALADAS!
Well, I'll offer some constructive criticism to start, but my main piece of advice is that it's better to write than not to write, so you've already made good progress :) Also I'm a big fan of Amante's Duel of the Fates and there's also a Fimfiction group for it, so feel free to add your story.
Starting your story in the middle of the action like this is not necessarily a bad thing. In writing, restricting the information available to your reader can be a powerful tool for getting them to feel a certain way, for example. However, in this case, it took me some moments to realize that Sunset is referring to her past as a Dark Side user - and even then, I only understood because I've seen the animation on which this is based. Any reader who hasn't may already be lost at this point.
This is the first time Rarity is mentioned and we haven't had any chance to understand who she is, why she's here, if she's friend or foe, if Sunset knew she was here, etc. As before, you don't have to spell it out word-for-word, but a little context would be nice just to understand the situation.
The way I'd do it, for example, is to have Sunset suddenly realize that she has her lightsaber out and attacking, but to be confused as how it happened, maybe even embarrassed. That way, we empathize with Sunset, since we have as little information as she does - and Rarity suddenly being there is just as disjointing for her as it is for us. That way, the narrative matches the mood.
Prior to this it seemed like Sunset was exploring an empty temple that she'd never seen before. Now, we've found there's a person here. Is Sunset surprised by this? Did she expect to find anyone here? Remember that a written fic is not a movie - you can do more than just say what's happening on the "screen". I'd love to know how Sunset feels about this.
This is the first time we have met Master Twilight Sparkle and aside from her being a super powerful Dark Side user, we know nothing about her. We don't know if Sunset and Rarity know who she is, for example. We don't know if she knew Sunset was here, if she was expecting them, how she feels about seeing them, etc. We know Sunset and Rarity are "shocked", but we don't know why. Is it important for us to know why?
It's good to know that the situation is clear to them (it helps me understand their motivation), but it's still not clear to me, so I'm not really in the moment with the Jedi here.
I liked this cut from furious action to calmness - it feels very cinematic and that actually works here, since we understand that Sunset is fighting for her life and is in danger right now. The juxtaposition between these two emotions creates a jarring sense of tension, and also gives the reader a bit of a break.
"Applejack" is one word.
Referring to "the ship" with the definite article doesn't make sense here because we didn't know up until this point that there even was a ship, let alone the ship. We are unfamiliar with it and so it shouldn't be referred to as if we are.
This sentence is a comma splice - you've used a comma to separate what should be two different sentences. Also, the first part is in past tense, but the second part is in present tense. You can't switch tenses during a story without a very good reason. I recommend sticking to past tense at all times.
Why no dialogue? I know why there's no dialogue in the original animation, but this is a fic and you have much more freedom. It's good to know that they're concerned, but why? Do they want to talk about it? Can we learn anything from them? This is a great chance for us to get to know the characters - and the more we know about them, the more invested we can be in their fight.
I liked this. It shows that Dash is perhaps not as careful as her friends, and that despite entering as an organized group, they are not the cohesive unit one might expect. Even if they're all Jedi, they are not a rigid military unit. And it's communicated visually in a single line. Good storytelling.
Firstly, it's "altar" - secondly, I thought Dash had rushed ahead? Now it seems like she and AJ are going in together. If there was some coordination between them that happened afterward, we didn't see it.
Who? Logically it must be either Dash or Applejack, but it seems odd that this specific detail is now left out. Is the story telling us it doesn't matter?
The rest of the chapter is merely a description of things that are happening, which isn't very exciting - it's a bit like reading a plot synopsis of a movie that we can't watch. Again, written stories are not film - visual spectacle can be interesting, but it can't carry a story by itself. But you have something far more powerful to compensate - your readers can experience the story through your characters in a way that's not possible in other media.
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Thank you for the advice I will do my best to apply it to these and future chapters.
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Dadadalada dadadalada