What went wrong?

by Frostbyite

Chapter 1

It seemed like a normal Monday morning when I woke up. The smell of eggs, pancakes, and oatmeal came from the kitchen as Spike cooked. I rolled out of bed and went into the bathroom to begin my daily routine.

First I brushed my mane, tail, and teeth, and then went downstairs for breakfast.

I sat down at the table and Spike put the plate of food in front of me and poured me a glass of orange juice. Then he sat down on the other side and ate his breakfast.

After breakfast we went into the library and checked inventory.

Once that was done we began work on my checklists. My checklist for the things that were needed to make a checklist, then the checklist to make a checklist for the things that I need to get done by the end of the day, and finally the checklist of things that needed to be done by the end of the day.

With the checklist in tow Spike and I made our way out of the tree library and down to the market for our first stop.

The sun just barely peeking over the Canterlot Mountains and a few rays making their way to the town casting long shadows.

Since it was the beginning of the week there wasn’t much to do on the list and food shopping seemed to be the most important thing at the moment.

The streets were mostly deserted since it was so early, and the few ponies that were out, were the ones returning from early morning weather control. They were the ones that cleared out the clouds that rolled in overnight.

It was a peaceful time of day, and I liked being out at this time because, even though I like Ponyville, the ponies in this town are a little crazy. They freak out over everything even when it’s nothing.

Like the time that Pinkie’s party cannon fired black and white confetti instead of the normal confetti in town square on Zecora’s birthday, and Roseluck, Daisy, and Daffodil, thinking it was smoke, started screaming at the top of their lungs about how Zecora and Pinkie trying to destroy the town and everypony lost it. It took over an hour for everyone to calm down and it ended up with 7 ponies in the hospital, 4000 bits in property damage, and to top it all off Pinkie was banned from throwing surprise parties in the middle town anymore.

She didn’t take it too well at first and went into another fit about nopony liking her parties. That lasted 20 minutes before she realized that she had to make plans for Cherilee’s birthday the next day.

Speaking of Pinkie, we were getting close to Sugar Cube Corner and the usual smell of baked goods couldn’t be smelled coming from the bakery.

“Spike do you smell anything coming from the bakery?” I asked him. “Pinkie is usually up at this time making cupcakes.”

Spike raised his nose to the air and sniffed.

“I don’t smell anything.”

“That’s weird this hasn’t happened before.”

“I think that she was foal sitting the twins last night because I went in before they closed and Mr. and Mrs. Cake were dressed up like they were going out. She’s probably tired from taking care of the twins all night.”

“Pinkie, tired? That’s even weirder than her not making cakes.”

“Yea well we can ask her later, Sugar Cube’s on the list.” Spike said pointing a scaly claw at a checkbox on the list.

“Alright Spike, so what’s first on the list?”

“We have to get more oranges at the market. We’re all out and I can’t make anymore orange juice without them.”

“Ok then let’s go.”

Spike and I continued down the street and when we came to the intersection we took a left instead of the usual right that would bring us to Sugar Cube Corner.

That was my first mistake.

Comments

[-Brutus]

What about Luna's involvement in all of this? What will Twilight turn out to be, a new ruler of Equestria along with Princess Luna or?

[Racing Bronie]

That intro....was fucking epic. Seriously dude, well done and keep it coming. I gotta know what happens.

[Jphyper]

This is not my thing. It's too angsty and emo. I can appreciate darkness, but not this much darkness, especially when it's slathered on as heavily as it is here.

It takes a special kind of fanfic to be great when the chapters are less than 1,000 words. This is not that kind of fanfic.

I won't downvote it because my preferences mean I'm not an objective judge of whether this is good or not. Plus, like I said, the shortness of these chapters doesn't give me much to go on.

[roman117]

Wasn't there a rule that said stories had to have chapters above 1000 words in order for them to be accepted?

[Gwenio]

1257540

No, they only need above 1000 words total.

[Mossflower]

great introduction and first chapter.

First I brushed my mane, tail, and teeth, (not with the same brush of course) and then went
downstairs for breakfast.

"not with the same brush of course" is hardly needed...

i was going to link specific sentences; but they turned up more than once or twice,
so im just gonna say it in general; you're lacking punctuations in places as well as misusing
them in others.

[Ehrlichkeit]

Very interesting premise. Chapters are really short, but if you can rapid fire them out then it'll be fine.

[Pleaseworkforonce]

im the type of reviewer that reviews every chapter i read so if nothing else you can see if you are improving or getting worse (im not judging yet so dont think of that as a review up there)
to start off you had a great prologue not much wrong with it
but your next chapter was good plot but lacks detail like you could turn her morning into 300 words+ quite easily and the trip to sugar cube to make it more ominous or whichever feel you wish to be present
off the top of my head id say the level in this chapter would be a 4 for detail (1 being almost perfect 10 being Twilight got mad because her friends were hurt the end)
so at this stage you needed filler the most (some punctuation but nothing to noticeable)(well i dont notice that so rely on others for that judge) ill tell you approvments and vice versa on chapter 3 and every other chapter