Horsetangled: Act 0

by dawnbreez

==> Connect.

DEAREST SISTER. WE UNDERSTAND THAT TWILIGHT HAS INITIATED THE GAME OF 'SBURB'. UNDERSTAND THAT WE ARE SOMEWHAT CONCERNED OVER THIS, AND ALSO THAT WE ARE NOT ANGRY AT EITHER OF YOU.

WE ARE MERELY CONCERNED. DEEPLY CONCERNED. THIS DEVELOPMENT IS, AS THE SPRITELY YOUNG RARITY WOULD PUT IT, 'THE WORST POSSIBLE THING'.

NATURALLY, WE MUST INQUIRE AS TO WHAT THE CURRENT STATUS OF THE CLIENT/SERVER RING IS.

Celestia groaned as a trio of mares flopped to the ground in terror in front of her. She stepped over them, trotting up the steps of Canterlot Keep as she prepped a reply on her Solarishades, a pair of computerized sunglasses that she hadn't used since long before her rise to power in Equestria.

first things first

as bad as this shit is, it was inevitable

secondly, rara's 40 years old now, never use the word 'spritely' on her again

thirdly, right now i'm thinkin i'll do twi, you'll do me, then candyass will do you, and twi will wrap things up by running candyass's end of things

do me a favor and go find some shit to prototype

Back at the resort, Luna grew flustered. What in the nine hells was Celestia proposing!? None of them would be 'doing' each other, and certainly not in the manner dear Celly was suggesting. She hastily typed a simple rebuttal:

WE BEG YOUR PARDON? WE DO NOT SEE WHY WE SHOULD 'DO' YOU. IT SEEMS MOST IMPROPER.

Celestia, holding the disks within a simple telekinetic field, blinked a couple times. She didn't quite get why Luna was objecting. Maybe Luna needed some space? She shrugged, and sent one more message before teleporting:

if you say so

i'll take care of twi, and i guess cadance will take care of me

---

Luna paced back and forth as the game booted up. There was perhaps nothing more embarrassing than realizing, moments after the fact, that she had totally misunderstood Celestia's meaning. Perhaps she had been looking at too many pictures of ill repute. She slumped into her chair and prepared to execute a dozen more of the salacious tabs, but a notification caught her eye--a message from Cadance.

so how did it go~? did you and celly work things out~?

Luna groaned.

WE DID NOT. THERE WAS A DISHEARTENING MISUNDERSTANDING. WE HAVE GRAVELY EMBARRASSED OURSELVES AND OUR LINEAGE. IT IS, AS THE NYMPHISH YOUTH RARITY WOULD SAY, 'THE WORST POSSIBLE THING'.

Within moments, a reply arrived.

you do realize that rarity's in her 40s~? she hasn't been 'nymphish' for years~

Luna's brow furrowed.

WE DO NOT SEE HOW RARITY IS CONSIDERED 'OLD'. WE HAVE WALKED THIS GROUND FOR MILLENNIA. RARITY HAS NOT EVEN ACHIEVED HER FIRST CENTURY. BY OUR STANDARDS, SHE IS BARELY OUT OF HER DIAPERS.

And again, the gentle ding of a reply.

oh well~ words can be like that sometimes~

you'll never be able to understand anyone if you only think in your own terms~

you really ought to spend some time trying to fit your head into another pony's shoes~

anyway~ i'll set up the connection with celly~ let me know when your client's up~

WE DO NOT SEE HOW OUR HEAD WOULD EVER FIT INTO A SET OF HORSESHOES--

Luna cursed as she saw Cadance go offline. Damn every last one of these confounding ponies to Taurtaros. They have driven Luna to madness and ruin.

---

We return to the purple one. (She has a name, you know.)

Currently, she is watching the loading bar on SBURB's client screen, as Celestia watches an identical loading bar on her own machine. Twilight has many, many questions, but Celestia told her to "shut up for a second" because some things needed to be arranged. Twi shrugs, and starts to ask Spike to take a letter, before remembering that this 'computer' also has communication abilities. Good! Spike can focus on cleaning up all these piles of books now. What kind of pony just has piles of things lying around? A foolish fool who acts foolishly, of course.

Dear Princess Cadance,

I was just wondering--how many discs did you find? Celestia said that I should have two, and she also said that she and Luna had two discs each. If you are to join us, wouldn't we need two more for you?

-- Twilight

It took a solid minute for Cadance to reply.

twilight~ you shouldn't worry about that~

while it is normal for you to want to manage things properly~ you can trust us to have our own tasks under control~

also you don't need to sign your messages on here~ the computer signs it for you~

my disks are already installed~ i will be your client player when you are ready~

Discs.

hmm~?

It's spelled 'discs'. Technically, both spellings are correct, but we should settle on one spelling variant, to reduce confusion.

silly twilight~ you still have so much to learn about leadership~

micromanaging might feel productive but it is a waste of time~ focus on the broader picture~ we're smart enough to make moment-to-moment decisions~

Wait, since when am I the leader? You're all older and wiser than I am. Wouldn't it be better to have Celestia or Luna lead? They've played the game before.

oh twilight~ it's simply your role to play~

Cadance signed off, and Twilight groaned, rubbing her forehead. She was starting to understand why Luna hated migraines so much--if regular headaches could get this bad, a supernatural one must be utterly indescribable. As much as she respected Cadance's leadership skills--both as the ruler of a country and as her babysitter--Twilight had always hated the way Cadance acted about it. It was as if Cadance firmly and thoroughly believed she knew exactly what every other pony wanted, before anypony even realized it. As if being the princess of love meant she was also the princess of reading your bucking mind and seeing the future. It was more than a little infuriating.

With a bleep, her computer received a message from her favorite teacher:

hey twi
the thing's done

stand back

Before Twilight could fully comprehend the message, a massive THUD echoed through her room. She turned to see that her bed was utterly crushed by a massive hunk of factory equipment.

Dear Princess Celestia,

What the buck.

-- Twilight