The Sandstorm King

by PioneeringAuthor

Chapter 18: The Heart Still Lives

Tragically, even with the Water Collar around his neck, Karam could not defeat his brother’s army. The two ended up in a worse stalemate, ravaging the land wherever they went.
Karam’s sandstorms became more and more furious, and he went from merely using wind, sand and debris to also ordering his soldiers to throw their blades into the storms, which turned the sandstorms into blade-filled, army-ravaging, weapons of mass destruction.
In return, Daud discovered more and more spells to boost his army’s defenses, and employed hit-and run tactics. These tactics he combined with various traps, decimating entire platoons as Karam's soldiers triggered magic land mines, fell into pits, or summoned wild beasts from hidden teleporting traps.
Agonizing years turned into vengeful decades as Karam and his brother warred across deserts, forests, mountains, lakes, and canyons. During it all, Karam felt his heart shift between loving the thrill of each victory and wailing over the loss of life and the relationship with his brother. Eventually, it was too much, and he locked away his heart, hardened his face, and ignored his emotions. Whenever his emotions did come out it was often in fury, whenever somebeast attempted to correct him. The advisors who once soothed him now looked to him like secret traitors as he became paranoid and fierce.Tragically, the gentle and compassionate Strong Wind hardened into a warrior as stoic as the stone-hearted Rock was.

However, in the midst of chaos, there was one who still prayed for them both, and who Karam still confided in at times: Avram the Patient. Indeed, Avram was like the father Karam wished he had beside him, and helped Karam have some solace in the midst of the storms of his heart and life. Alas, Avram was but a horse, and his time to leave life was at hoof.

---

Standing in Avram’s bedroom, Karam watched the scene unfold. Quietly Avram’s family all gathered around the old, peach-colored Earth Horse as his breathing became more and more shallow.

“...Avram… you’ve served me well all these years… and I will never forget you,” Karam quietly declared as he gazed at his most trusted advisor, feeling an ache in his heart he hadn’t felt since Father died.

“Oh Strong Wind… it’s been a pleasure… truly has..” Avram breathed as he smiled up at his youthful liege, seeing the fear and pain in Karam’s blue eyes as he stood nearby. Avram’s eldest son, Yosef, stepped forward and kneeled at his father’s bedside as Avram prayed a blessing over him, “May the Lord bless you and keep you… make you strong… and wise… so you may serve our king to the best of your abilities… and may you have peace in the midst of this horrid war.”

Yosef nodded and took a deep breath to steady himself as he stepped back again.
In his mind's eye, Karam recalled all the times Avram mentioned his children. Looking around, Karam took in the scene of the mourning family kneeling around the bed. Here were children, grandchildren, and even a few great-grandchildren all sobbing and sniffing and hanging their heads in sorrow. Among them all, Karam felt like an outsider... and yet... something deep inside him felt like they were family. Something else even deeper wailed at the heavens, wishing that his own father could've died peacefully in bed, surrounded by a loving, warm family such as this one. Ah, but the cruelty of life had stolen that possibility. At least Avram was granted a peaceful end. Standing there, Karam had a hundred things he wished he could tell Avram, but had no idea how to speak them out loud. After so long of keeping his feelings locked up tightly, he had no way of expressing his deep gratitude.
However... there was... one thing he could do.

“Yosef the Balance, I shall take you as my new advisor, to replace your father. In honor of all your father has done, I shall make sure that there will always be a Zarfaim among my advisors,” Karam proclaimed as he stood as tall as he could, with his wings straightened up, spread out regally. Honored by the proclamation, all of Avram’s family kneeled towards Karam while Avram smiled warmly.

Yes. Even thousands of years later, when Avram was long forgotten, Karam himself would remember, because he'd always have at least one reminder of Avram.

“Thank you, Strong Wind… may I bless you as well before I leave?” Avram sighed, feeling his strength departing.

Surprised, Karam blinked and then nodded, kneeling beside Avram’s bed so the dying Horse could lay one hoof on the young Alicorn Pony.

“May the Lord bless you and keep you, and make his face to shine upon you, and grant you peace. May you be strong and courageous, and may the truth about your father’s death be known for all time… and may your heart be soft, and may you never forget how to love, and may you be loved in return,” Avram blessed Karam as he closed his eyes quietly.

Slowly, Karam looked up at Avram as he felt a tear come down his own cheek while the old Horse looked at him one last time and smiled, whispering, “Be brave… be brave, King Karam… and don’t be afraid to feel… pain…. Without pain… we don’t fully understand… peace.”

“I… will try,” Karam gulped as he felt his heart crack deep inside.

With another smile, Avram the Patient closed his eyes. His bearded face maintained its fatherly smile as he breathed his last and became cold. Avram’s son, Yosef, sniffed his father’s body, taking in the quiet smell of death. Yosef's ears drooped. Reverently he began saying an ancient prayer while the family silently listened, all hanging their heads. Nearby, Karam squeezed his blue eyes shut, allowing the mixed feelings to ebb over his heart.

---

Back in his room that night, Karam paced around furiously, feeling a whirlwind of emotions inside his chest that was about to explode. He needed to get it out, but how? Seeing a scroll on his nightstand, a thought came to him: why not write it all out? Keep a journal, and write down all the feelings--get them out that way, yes, surely it would work.
Immediately he grabbed a quill pen in his golden, magic aura and began writing down everything that happened that day and how he felt.
As he worked, he began feeling more and more feelings that he had locked away inside a fortress, and feeling them again was almost a shock to him as they came flooding out onto the paper.
For about an hour he wrote, scribbling down anything that came to him, until the tears came cascading down his cheeks. When the tears came, he gritted his teeth and wrote more until the sobs broke out. When the sobs broke out from his throat, he wrote harder and faster, until he couldn’t see the paper anymore due to the tears clouding his sight.
His last page went like so:

I didn’t ask for this!
I didn’t want any of this!
I didn’t ask for Father to die!
I didn’t ask for creatures to spread lies about me and poison my brother!
I didn’t ask for a war!

I just

I just

I JUST WANT IT TO END!

I lost Mother and Father and now my brother, and maybe even my own soul.

Oh… if only Mother were still alive. It’s been so long I cannot even recall her voice and yet… she always knew what to say, right? I’m not imagining that, right?
Father, oh, he’d be so heartbroken wouldn’t he?

And it’s all my fault, too.
Oh… Father… forgive me.
Mother… please… forgive me.

I just

I WANT TO SCREAM!!
I WANT TO STAB SOMETHING IN THE EYE!
I WANT PEACE BUT CANNOT FIND IT!
I want to fly away somewhere and just start over. I'll disguise myself as a Unicorn Horse and become a traveler. Eventually I'll find some place that knows me not, and I'll make new friends and be a common worker. Yes. I will start over! I'll learn how to barter and start a business as a merchant!

That is the most ridiculous idea I have ever had. OBVIOUSLY I can't just run away! My nation needs me now, and whether or not I like it, I must fulfill my duties. I hate it, yes, but I must do it. I hate schedules, I hate war, I hate suffering, I hate the constant tension and endless training with no rest or peace, I hate it all!

...and it’s all my fault, isn’t it?

Certainly, I tried to convince Daud, I did, I really did!

Didn’t I?

Maybe I could’ve tried harder, right?
I could see the anger in his eyes, and the lack of love, but maybe, deep inside, some vague part of him still cared? Maybe if I talked louder or longer we could've come to some kind of agreement?
I could've convinced him to not fight. I could've! If only I was older and wiser, surely I'd find some peaceful arrangement and we wouldn't have to fight, but no, I'm just a foalish child and had not the words and NOW LOOK!

It’s all my fault.

All the lives lost were taken by my own hooves.
All the farms destroyed
All the problems

It’s all my fault, isn’t it?

It is.

No, not literally, but I am the leader. Everything that goes wrong is my fault now, and because I caused this war, all these things happened.
It’s all my fault.

I hate myself.

I will never forgive myself.

NEVER NEVER NEVER!

Oh… but being angry won’t bring back the dead.
Nothing will repair the damage.
I must move on.
I cannot cry.
I cannot mourn.
I cannot.
I don't have time to wallow around and cry. I have to DO SOMETHING USEFUL, and so far, the only useful thing is killing more soldiers and fighting more battles. At least my life is not boring and sitting around all day. There is that vague comfort. At least I get to see new places, hear new sounds, and taste new food.
Yes, as well as look at more and more dead bodies piling up.
Wonderful existence.

So… I will hate myself and move on with my pitiful existence.
Obviously I'm horrible at planning so instead I'll just throw myself out there, keep fighting, and see what happens next.
Perhaps by some mercy both Daud and I will die and then nobeast will have to war anymore because the two perpetrators are dead. Win-win.

That's probably the only solution now.

Oh....

Where did the days go?
Those nice days when I was young, with father teaching me things I rolled my eyes at as I waited for time to tick on by so I could go flying around outside with Daud?
I should've listened to Father. Perhaps he had some wisdom I need now.

I hate life.

No, not life, MY life. I hate MY life. I hate MYSELF.

Out in the middle of nowhere is a perfectly happy family who knows barely anything about war and is just enjoying life. They are at peace. They are happy. They are fine.

I want that.

I want my brother back.
I want to fly away forever.
I want it all to be over.

At last, he put down the quill and exhaled. Finally, the horrid storm of emotions was out.
The war still waged on the battlefield, but for now, at this moment, he was calm… and he knew his heart was still alive, deep within its fortress of pain and despair. Yes, deep inside, his heart was still beating. Though he tried to lock it away, snuff it out, ignore it, deep inside, it was still there. He was not a monster. He was not a dead creature. He was not a rock. Despite it all, he was still the Strong Wind... and his heart... yes... his heart was still alive.

Author's Note:

Fun fact: I almost called this chapter "Karam's Soliloquy".

For those of you who like the MBTI, Karam is an ESTP-T.

He's trying too hard to be something he's not, though.

He shouldn't have to deal with all this.

My depressed, war-torn, little Karam....

Comments

[truenorth14]

Wow, sad but justified. If I had to war with my brother for years I don’t know how I would react. The two brothers are too good, an immovable object vs an unstoppable force.

[PioneeringAuthor]

10061737
Yup, and I designed them like that.

After all, one is "Wind" and the other is "Rock". Just like how Celestia and Luna fit the warmth of the sun and the introverted cool of the moon, I wanted my boys to fit their roles.

Unfortunately it is very sad to write, yes.

So yes, thank you for reading this far! It's almost finished being published.

[truenorth14]

I really appreciate you continuing your story even after you got no feedback it appears for a while

[PioneeringAuthor]

10062892
Thank you!

I hope to write more stories in the near future :D