We Present To You A New Quest

by Split Scimitar

Here We Go, Off The Rails

“There's your pipe.” I say looking at a piece of concrete pipeline only seen on oversize lorries, suitable for even the largest of lifted trucks to drive through. “The process is very simple. Upon entry, customs will be alerted via infrared camera of our presence. The crossing to the customs checkpoint takes about a minute or two. The customs Toads will give you instructions once you meet them. Since it's your first time, they'll need a sheet of basic information. Follow what they tell you.“ And with that, I get back in, repeat my spiel to the passengers in my car, then slowly proceed through.

The headlights turn on automatically as I set the tunnel’s speed limit of 30 mph. We pass a few hidden cameras as I continue the drive. It feels a little weird to do this, since I’m already in their database, but my entire party (including the cars themselves) needs to enter into the system.

Eventually, we reach a series of red and green pulsing lights shortly after hearing the magic sound.

I say rhetorically, “those lights will pulse either left or right. They're on because they recognize we're here.”

Only the red lights then flash left, indicating that the vehicles are not recognized, so I throw the wheel and watch for toads. Rarity follows as the red lights continue flashing to the left. Expecting a Toad to guide us in the otherwise pitch black tunnel, one waves light wands. Motioning towards him, he directs me in. As soon as I stop and park, we all climb out and ready for inspection.

“Hi Captain!” One of the Toads calls offering his hand.

“Nice to see you again, sir! Glad to be back. I have friends with me who have been invited to Princess Annabelle’s wedding ceremony.”

“That’s great! It’s a nice time to be here! With heirs to the throne of both the Mushroom and Koopa Kingdom getting married, public attitude is quite high spirits.”

“I’m sure!”

Everyone else is directed into a set of rooms by various Toads so they can fill out their customs paperwork individually. I’ve filled out the sheets before, but I ask to see my copy for old time’s sake.

“Welcome to the Mushroom World! This information remains confidential and is only shared with emergency authorities in the highly unlikely event of an emergency, with no reason for use otherwise. Nevertheless, all first-time visitors are required to complete this sheet.

Name: Split Scimitar, aliases “Captain,” “Cap,” “Max”
Occupation: Pilot
Nationalities: USA, UK, Australia, France
Birthday: May 29

Have you ever been linked to, tried for, or otherwise involved in any crime at any level?
Yes/No
If yes: please state type, date, and outcome of conviction.

Have you ever been linked to any known or unknown organizations associated with terrorism?
Yes/No

Do you promise to abide by the laws and regulations set forth by Princess Peach, King Richard, King Koopa, Prince Peasley, and King Fret?
Yes/No

The completion of this sheet serves as a contract between the bearer and the constituents mentioned in question 3 above. Any violation of these laws is grounds for immediate revocation of travel privileges and lifetime ban with little to no possibility of reinstatement. Under no circumstances shall any action be taken to avoid or otherwise transgress responsibility which has been undertaken by the individual in question (Bearer). The Mushroom Realms believe in full and fair responsibility of the individual. Therefore, any attempts to excuse any form of liability in any capacity will result in immediate revocation and lifetime ban without the possibility of reinstatement. It is the responsibility of the individual and only the individual to ensure that any actions undertaken are justifiable and defensible. It is expected that a responsible resident of the Mushroom Realms understands that individual actions can and will have consequences. Signing below declares assumption of full responsibility from herein forward.”

I laugh reading the official statement, because I know for a fact that it’s approved as a direct stab at lawsuit culture while still maintaining its meritorious qualities. That is supposed to protect against frivolous lawsuits and ensures that individuals act responsibly, respectfully, and ethically. The Mushroom World, especially the Koopa Kingdom, has zero tolerance for people who refuse to accept responsibility for their actions and blame other people as if they’re above the law and beyond accountability.

One by one, each of my friends returns to the main room. Once everyone returns, the Toads then ask the drivers or owners of both cars to go over the paperwork for foreign-registered vehicles.

Make/Model: Cadillac Escalade ESV
Color: Black
Country of registration: USA
License Plate: MLPEQG13
Registered Owner: Split Scimitar
Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Allstate.

Make/Model: Lexus IS300t
Color: Silver
Country of registration: USA
License Plate: RARITY 6
Registered Owner: Rarity
Insurance: Yes/No. If Yes, Provider: Liberty Mutual.

Once the papers clear, we receive clearance from the customs Toads and the gates open for us, revealing a light at the end of the pipe. I then give Rarity a walkie talkie so we can communicate.

“We should be approaching a junction for each of the 5 Realms: The Mushroom Kingdom, Koopa Kingdom, Sarasaland, Beanbean Kingdom, and Jewelry Land.” I say on the air.

When we reach the junction, I exclaim “Oh, look at that” and hit the brakes. “Beanbean junction closed for tunnel maintenance. Did they finally address their gas main leak? I’ll take that as a no.”

Sunset and I titter.

“What’s so funny?” Rainbow Dash asks.

“The Beanbean Kingdom’s vehicle warp pipe has been under construction since I first came here. Apparently because of a gas main leak close to the line, they needed to reroute the vehicle portal to somewhere else in the Kingdom.“

“And that’s funny because…?”

An obvious joke going over her head, I quip back, “Because the Beanbean Kingdom has a surplus of whoopee cushions.”

The entire Escalade all bust out laughing as I throw the wheel back towards the MK.

“Not. Cool.” Dash seethes back as I give it a rev and make haste. As we pass through, a posted sign says, “Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom. Speed Limit 65 mph/105 kph. KEEP LEFT.”

“Both imperial and metric units appear on road signs, so pay attention. Also, beware of the traffic pattern orientation. The rules of the road can be confusing. In the Mushroom Kingdom, outside of city limits, drive on the left. Inside the cities, drive on the right.”

“Why?” Sweetie Belle asks from the Lexus.

"It's designed so the driver of a left hand drive (LHD) vehicle has a view of the outside wheels on ridge roads, such as the highway we're gonna take, aptly named Shroom Ridge. The roads cross over once inside city limits. Confusing as the orientation can be for the driver, it still makes sense though. If I'm driving a right hand drive (RHD) car in right hand traffic (RHT), then when parallel parking, the driver will be curbside. That's practical, because the door isn't at risk for being slashed by another car, and having a view of the outside wheels on a ridge road is for safety reasons. A few realms are however RHD and left hand traffic (LHT) like Britain, Australia, Thailand, and Japan. Two of Sarasaland's 4 kingdoms drive on the left. So does Jewelry Land. Why the variance? Same reason for the MK’s twisted pattern. It just makes sense from a motoring perspective, especially because the MK is the Mushroom World’s trade hub. With all the intermingling of RHD & LHD with LHT & RHT, the weird orientation in the MK is a compromise by all five kingdoms.”

No response from anyone, but once we get onto Shroom Ridge, I reach the speed limit for the portal road and then stomp the throttle, letting the engine rev up to just shy of redline to get up to speed with maximum performance.

Cadillac estimates the top speed of their Escalade models at 130 mph/210 kph. Rarity’s Lexus is limited to 143 mph/230 kph. I settle for 200 kph en route to Toad Town.

When we roll in, I head to the driveway and find the garage open, with everyone’s cars sitting proudly. Peter and Marc are the first ones to come and greet me with hugs.

“Hey Cap!” Marc says. “Glad you’re here. We’re just about to motorcade. Aunt Daisy and them are gonna meet us in Toad Harbor.”

“They’re gonna traverse Birabuto?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you all driving your own cars?”

“No. Auntie Rosie is gonna take her observatory.”

“Not going to use the Focus RS I gave her?”

“You gave your all-time favorite dream car to Auntie Rosie?”

“She asked for it. But it’s not my only all-time favorite. The DeLorean.”

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“Hi Peter!” I call as Marc’s twin approaches. We share a hug before I introduce the boys to everybody. Their parents join us soon after, with Twilight talking to Peter and Marc talking to RD.

“When you’re ready, we can go. Let’s fuel up at the 64 then we can go from there.”

“Who’s leading?”

“That’ll be me.” Mario says.

“Can your Hilux handle the speed? It’s the slowest of the bunch.”

“There’re six cars. We’ll try and manage 100.”

“Kph?”

“No!”

“You can’t really tell here, since you display both. It does make a difference.”

“Fair enough.”

“I’m glad you use Kelvin though.”

“You can thank Bowser for that one.”

After sharing a chuckle and greeting everyone, we head for the petrol station.

At the station, Peach, Mario and I head in and are greeted warmly by the Toad on duty. All the pumps with cars are activated, and the costs are absorbed by the castle, an entire convoy’s fuel on the Royal tab.

Once all tanks are topped off, I point out to my friends that compared to our world’s octane rating scale, the Mushroom World’s sea level/low elevation scale is 95–97–100, and at higher altitudes, it’s 92–94–96. Mind you, both earthly and native Mushroom World vehicles are based on my world’s performance figures, meaning that the “juiced” fuels are for one major reason: keeping speed up while maintaining relatively economical mileage figures. Because higher octane grades provide better performance and increase fuel economy, even if by 1 or 2 MPG.

After Peach gives me a list of planned fuel stops, I run some quick mental calculations for range and predict two extra fuel stops, mostly for bathroom and snack, but also in case of mathematical errors. Now, while the Mushroom Kingdom spans five time zones, it doesn’t take a whole day to travel it, especially in the absence of speed limits. I have managed to traverse it (albeit in a super car) in about 3 hours’ time. Nevertheless, once we’re onto the highway, our first control city on the freeway signs is Fahr Outpost. Fitting, since it’s about the halfway point.

One fuel stop between Toad Town and Fahr Outpost precedes our first major checkpoint. Only the boys and Rarity take on extra fuel, thanks to Mario’s driving style, Princess Peach’s Diesel engine, and my massive petrol tank, plus my own driving style that even when driving fast can still beat official measurements by around 3 MPG.

Shroom Ridge as a highway ends when we reach Fahr Outpost, marking another speed limit zone. The road continues as a country road not dissimilar to towns along rural American highways in the town center before losing its speed limits and becoming the Moonview Highway Spur Road, with control cities of Grass Land and Sky Land, our next two fuel stops.

In Sky Land, we take a proper stop to stretch and give our cars a well-earned break. Starlight and Sunset, having slept like babies since Toad Town, fight for the front seat, the latter being the one defending her territory next to me.

After about 20 minutes, Applejack takes over the reigns of Rarity’s car, Starlight gets the front seat, and with the next control city being our destination, we set off for the home stretch.

One of the major junctions along Moonview Highway is the junction towards Mushroom City. This is the official main highway, and is home to the infamous Mushroom Gorge, in which vehicles tackle a steep and dangerous grade, overwhelmingly popular in the motorsports scene, and thus frequently closed for races. Today the road is closed, but not for a race. There’s roadwork being done.

Soon, we reach Toad Harbor, and already I can tell the place is buzzing, before the roads even cross over. Allow me to put some things into perspective.

The MK, in order to accommodate the large number of transient workers, tourists, and other non-MK denizens, split their capital, much like Bolivia (La Paz and Sucre) and South Africa (Pretoria, Bloemfontein, and Cape Town). Toad Town is the original capital, and is still the seat of the Monarchy. However, all commercial and official/diplomatic activities take place in Toad City, often locally referred to as the “financial district” to avoid confusion. The main highway that serves the purpose of linking Toad Town and Toad City both with each other and to the places beyond is called Toad’s Turnpike. Needless to say the busiest road in the MK and probably the MW. The worst of traffic only adds, at the absolute jam packed, 15 minutes. Any longer means there’s been a big accident.

Here in Toad Harbor, which lacks any additional infrastructure to even build a Turnpike, traffic both vehicular and on foot makes Los Angeles look like a hamlet. Fittingly, since it’s the Friday afternoon before the Coronation. Everyone from every Kingdom is in town to see the crowning of a new heir to the thrones of the two most powerful kingdoms in this world.

To make matters worse for us, even in the absence of any street closures, taking the scenic route and doing a city tour doesn’t add nor subtract from just crawling on the highway, especially because the old castle, where we’ll be staying, is on the other side of town. No shortcuts available.

With highway exits marked at every mile, counting exits and looking at the clock, after some basic mental math, I estimate that the average speed on this highway is about the speed that ketchup leaves out of a squeeze bottle - 245.3 miles a year, 245.28 if you want to be pedantic, or roughly 0.028 mph.

“Whoa.” Starlight exclaims in shock. “That’s a lot of cars.”

“And we’re the biggest ones here.” I respond. “We’re literally in a sea of Kei Cars. We make them look like go karts. Most of them can’t hit more than 95 mph, even if they’re equipped with “200cc class” engines, which is a bit of a misnomer. Those things are beasts.”

“That’s painful.”

“Hey, perspective I guess. They’re used to lower speeds.”

“True.”

“How are we jam packed to the absolute brink of road capacity?” Sunset calls from the third row. “And why are there so many K-Cars? If memory serves me correctly, Koopas don’t exactly fit the bill of one.”

“Good point. My guess is that MK denizens are here early because Princess Peach declared a public holiday.”

“How do you know?”

“She told me while we were at our long fuel stop. During your war for the front seat. As for the Koopas, they don’t, but most Koopas aren’t going to be here until tomorrow I assume, since we’d know they’re here because they’d be in vehicles as big as ours.”

Eventually, we make our way out of the city center, and the traffic eventually reaches a pace of 1 mph. When the exit for the castle arrives, we join a queue for the off-ramp, reaching the castle 2 hours and 10 minutes late. The royals’ cars go into the garage, which currently houses a few of my cars. The rest are stored in a complex gifted to Rosalina by King Bowser in the Koopa Kingdom, just an hour’s drive outside of Toad Harbor, which she gave to me, since I would be the one to use it.

Nevertheless, the only two cars that don’t park in the garage are the two that are foreign registered.

Under Peach’s supervision, due to an ongoing castle restoration project on hold for the coronation weekend, we all pick bedrooms. Peach then answers a phone call just as I head outside for a cigarette. Now that I’m here in the Mushroom World, I guess I should explain something about Rosalina and I.

When we first met, I was in the throes of another relapse. Rosalina had said she would not date me if I continued to smoke. I swore blind I would never smoke again. There’s a very good reason why she feels so strongly about it. Smoking killed her mother. Ovarian cancer more or less directly linked to at its worst a-pack-a-day habit did her in. Consequently, her father was so grief-stricken by the loss of his beloved that on the 8th anniversary of her death, he elected to join her.

When Rosalina moved to Illinois, she got an ovarian cancer license plate in her honor, which she continues to bear to this day. The profound impact smoking has on one’s loved ones, and I still decide to continue the habit, because I love dragon’s breath. Don’t get me wrong, I hate smoking too, but I love dragon’s breath more. That’s why I only smoke e-cigarettes, because I hate the smell, I hate the chemicals, and I hate dealing with the waste products of a traditional burner.

When I return, Peach breaks the news that the Sarasalanders will not arrive until tomorrow afternoon, so if the others want to see the city, the morning will be the best time to do so. With that, Rosalina also texts that she’s waiting for Lubba and his crew to return and expect to arrive at the same time.

Author's Note:

Once again, Walkazo’s map of the Mushroom World for reference.

I have helped with a real-world overlay here.

Toad Harbor is approximated in the location of Shanghai on the map. Real-world geography is not necessarily related, as Walkazo’s map is modeled after the landmass of Eurasia. Not to scale.