End of the Line

by Sunlight Rays

Chapter 9: A Faint Sparkle

The few days after that little incident were... hellish, to say the least. It was a repetition of my survival instincts battling my urge to end it all, and whenever such battles would break out, my mind would turn into a bloody field of carnage. In my room, I would take my box cutter and sit in my desk, contemplating its sharp blade. During potion classes, I would keep glancing at the cabinet that stored poisonous substances, including potassium cyanide. I even had climbed up to this tower several times, only to back away from the ledge and climb down.

This time, I wasn't going to climb back down.

It was New Year’s Eve, and everypony were celebrating the end of a year, and the beginning of a new one. I sat on the rooftop of the secluded tower, thinking of my name. Lux Solis Cognito. My parents named me so that I could be the sunlight that lighted up other ponies’ lives. Quite a fitting name, really, seeing that I was born on the day of the Summer Sun Celebration. But, unlike my name, I wasn’t able to light my own life, let alone others’. So, again, what’s the point? What’s the point in all this if I can’t bring happiness and light even to myself? I stood up and walked towards the edge of the roof.

Here I stood on a ledge. Empty. Broken. Disabled. I looked over the edge, towards the horizon. Canterlot’s a beautiful city, I must say. Especially when it’s snowing. From the highest point of the palace, I could see the lights of everypony’s houses, decorated by a layer of white powder covering their rooftops. Far away in the distance, I saw specks of light gathered together. Is that… is that Ponyville? It’s been a long time since I’ve been there. And I won’t be going back. Forever.

I looked down. The ground seemed like it was a mile away, with ponies crawling on the surface like ants. My way to freedom. The only way of ending this. I sighed into the cold winter night. My breath condensed in front of me, obscuring my vision of Ponyville. My vision blurred. I closed my eyes, and took my final steps.

I felt the ledge disappear from under my hooves. I embraced the force of gravity as I became weightless. I fell. I expected the ground to rush up and meet me. But it didn’t. When I opened my eyes, I found myself wrapped in a bubble of purple magic. The ground was still at least fifty feet away. Then, slowly, somepony lifted me onto the rooftop.

As my hooves touched solid ground once more, I noticed somepony standing right next to where I once stood. A purple pony, with a cutie mark that had a six-pointed pink star surrounded by five smaller white ones.

As soon as the bubble encasing me disappeared, I said, “Twilight Sparkle?”

I knew Twilight from my previous classes. Everypony in school knew she was Princess Celestia’s personal student, and while we worked our way through all the spell-related lessons, she would just sit in the back, silently reading away at her book.

She wasn’t exactly the talking type, or caring type. When I used to get bullied by Boss and his cronies, she would just sit there and keep reading. When the teachers threw their usual bullcrap about my grades at me, she didn’t care and kept reading her book.

I sighed. At least this is better than running into one of the teachers or my classmates, I thought.

My attention returned to reality when I heard Twilight say, “You’re… Lux. Lux Cognito, right?”

I nodded without looking at her.

“And what were you doing up here? Were you practicing a self-levitation spell? Because it seemed like you forgot to add some… safety measures,” said Twilight, with a tone that practically screamed that she had no idea what I was really up to.

I shook my head. Of course she would think that I would be practicing some sort of spell, being the bookhorse she is.

“But, then what were you doing up here….” said Twilight just as realization dawned on her. “You were going to kill yourself.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to confirm it, but I didn’t want to lie at the same time.

Twilight took that as a ‘yes’ and asked, “But… why?” Her voice now carried shock and sadness, and I could see that it was taking every ounce of resolve in her not to freak out.

“Because I didn’t see a point in living anymore. If life brings me nothing but emptiness and pain, and I can’t bring other ponies happiness, what’s the point in living on?” I replied as I stared into the distance, my tone carrying no emotion whatsoever.

“But… you could have asked for help. You could have asked me for help,” said Twilight, confusion and desperation mixing into her tone.

“Says the pony who rarely ever talked to me, and just sat and read books while I got tortured. Yeah, totally. Like I had somepony to ask for help in the first place. You know what? You don’t deserve to say that, Twilight Sparkle, not when you didn’t even care when a pony was being harassed right next to you. You can’t help me. Nopony can.” I said as cold anger coursed through my veins.

“But I care now! I don’t want anypony to end their own lives, especially when they can be saved. I want to help you, Lux. I really do.”

“Do you really think you can save me? You don’t even understand what it’s like to be in my situation! You don’t bucking know how I feel, Twilight! So stop being such a hypocrite and admit it; you can’t help me,” I shouted.

“Lux…,” said Twilight Sparkle, clearly shocked by my sudden display of anger.

I huffed a little as I cooled down. Then my shoulders sagged. “I’m… I’m sorry, Twilight. I’m such a bad pony. You were just trying to help and I swore at you. I’m such a worthless pony that I don’t deserve to be helped. I mean, all I wanted was to stop the pain. Seems like I don’t deserve even that, do I?” I chuckled a bitter laugh as I sank onto my haunches, then curled into a ball and began to sob. Just like how I did countless times during all those years Boss had bullied me. And this time, just like last time, there was no Echo to come back at me.

Twilight remained silent for a moment, before she said, “Look, it’s getting cold out here. Let’s go back in where we can talk without freezing.” With that, she patted a comforting hoof across my back, and teleported with me.

---

Twilight’s room was… much more of a mess than mine. Sure, my room had its own fair share of broken things, including glass fragments, but at least I had cleaned it up as much as I could. Twilight’s room, however, seemed to be a room of chaos. Books were strewn across every flat surface, some stacked up in tall towers of books. The same went for her desk; tall stacks of books on either side, with bits of paper littered in between the stacks.

Yet there was a certain atmosphere in her room that made me feel comfortable, like I was at home. Maybe it was because of the fireplace, or maybe it was because of the colors of the wall, I don’t know. I couldn’t simply place my hoof on it. I liked it, nevertheless, and let myself bathe in it while I looked around the room.

“Um… it’s a bit messy, as you can see…. Don’t worry. I’ll make some room so that the both of us can sit down comfortably,” said Twilight, moving books around to create yet another stack. Suddenly a loud snoring sound came from above. “Oh, and that’s Spike, my assistant. Don’t worry about waking him up, he won’t wake up unless one deliberately steps on his tail,” she added with a quiet giggle.

“This is… your room?” I asked.

“Eh… yeah! Sorry it’s so messy, heh heh. It’s just that I’m not used to cleaning up—”

“Oh, no no, it’s just that… it’s so better than mine,” I quickly interposed.

“It is?”

“Yeah. Mine’s so… barren, you know. No special objects, no decorations… and certainly, not a lot of books. Just white walls, a bed, a desk, and a bathroom. Pretty minimalistic, if you ask me,” I replied, letting out a sigh.

“Oh well, your room did seem a bit empty… anyways, it’s all done. Please take a seat. Oh, and I’ll get some other things for you, too.”

Once Twilight made sure that I was made comfortable in her room, with a blanket around me and a cup of warm tea in my magical grasp, we began to talk. I told her everything, from the point where I first arrived in Canterlot to Echo’s death and now. Through the entire story, during which I cried a lot, Twilight listened with rapt attention, picking up every single detail and emotion I showed while patting me on the back every now and then.

When I finished, I felt like a significant weight had been lifted off my mind. Sure, my body was exhausted after crying a lot, but my mind was much clearer than before. When I looked at Twilight, tears stained her cheeks, too. It was then I realized that Twilight did, in fact, care for others; she just didn’t know how to show it, or when to show it.

After we both calmed down, Twilight made a suggestion. “Lux, it’s obvious that all this stress coming from your studies, teachers, and peers is taking a heavy toll on you. I think it’s wise if you… dropped out of the school.”

“Oh yeah? So you don’t think I belong here too, do you?” I said with a slight edge in my voice.

Twilight shook her head. “No, but it’s only because it’s not a good fit for you, Lux. What this school has done to you is… it broke you, Lux. It broke your heart and soul. I think you’ll need some time away from everything here.”

I sighed, and shook my head. “My parents are going to be so disappointed….”

“They won’t. Don’t you remember what you said? They were more sorry than disappointed when you were beaten up by Boss Gang. They won’t be disappointed towards you Lux, I promise.”

“I… well…,” I stammered. “Can we at least talk to Princess Celestia about this, Twilight? I don’t think I could decide this on my own…,” I said while staring at the ground.

“Sure, but… are you sure you’ll be okay with telling the Princess everything?” questioned Twilight. “I mean, you don’t have to talk to her directly; I could relay what you want to say and what you want to do about it….”

“Yes. That would be… appreciated, Twilight.” I turned to look at her. “Yes, I think that would be a good idea.”

Twilight nodded. “Okay, Lux… I’ll make sure that Princess Celestia gets your message.”

“Thank you,” I said. I stood up to leave.

“Wait… are you going to leave?” asked Twilight.

I cast her a questioning glance. “Um… yes? I mean, it’s not like I’m intending to spend the entire night here.”

“Oh, um… sure. Are you sure you’ll be okay? In your room, I mean.” said Twilight.

I thought back to my room. I thought of the countless painful memories that tainted it. The times I was beaten up by Boss’s gang and cried, crouched against a wall. The day I lost Echo. The numerous instances I felt so lonely, so hopeless. The days following the finals, when I could have ended my life.

I swallowed. I knew the answer to Twilight’s question, but I wasn’t sure how to answer it. I didn’t want to be a burden to Twilight, and yet… I just couldn’t go back. Not when I felt secure for the first time in ages. In this room, I felt like I could relax, let myself rest for real. Back in my room, I always had a tendency to tense up, physically and mentally. I never got a good rest or sleep in that room.

So I decided to just go with it. “No,” I said with an air of finality, “I don’t think staying in my room will be good for me.”

“Then why do you want to go back there?” asked Twilight, confused once more.

“I don’t. I’m only going back to my room because it’s where I’m supposed to be. I just… I don’t want to be a burden to anypony, Twilight.”

“I, for one, don’t think you spending the night in my room would be a burden to me.” Twilight held up a hoof as I opened my mouth to retort. “Look, Lux, you’re so afraid of disappointing others. But you don’t have to be. Others may laugh and scorn you, but their opinions are not important. What’s important is that you tried and learned. Even if you fail, you can learn why you failed and try again.

“I mean, I’ve failed at magic a few times, and I’m supposed to be talented in magic! Not to mention that I didn’t have any close friends here… until now, that is. Really, Lux, I’m just really worried about you spending the night alone….” She looked at me with pleading eyes.

I contemplated for a moment, then gave in. I mean, I met a pony who cared for me for the first time in months, and who was I to say ‘no’ to her request? “Fine, Twilight Sparkle, you win. But, only until Princess Celestia gets the message, okay?”

Twilight beamed. “Okay! You can use the bed; I can sleep on the couch here—”

“No. Absolutely not. I’m taking the couch, and you’re taking the bed.”

“But,—”

“No buts, I know what sleeping on a couch feels like, especially in the mornings. You can count on my sleep deprivation to testify that….” I murmured that last part, feeling the fatigue in my eyes and eyelids.

“Which is precisely why you’re sleeping in the bed tonight. Plus, I need to do some more research, which means I’ll have to use the lights way after you’ve gone to bed.”

“Well, it’s not like I’ll be able to fall asleep that early,” I said as fireworks went off in the distance, signaling the end of a year and the beginning of a new one. I could hear ponies cheering and shouting from below. “Especially on a night like this. Speaking of which, aren’t you going to see the fireworks?”

“Well, I’d love to, but I have to finish my research project….” Twilight trailed off.

“Oh, come on! Those fireworks are majestic, and you know you can lay off for an hour or two. It’s not like it’s going to hamper your work or something.” I grinned. For the first time in a long period, I was smiling with genuine pleasure, not a fake smile to cover up my miseries.

Maybe Twilight saw that, or maybe it was something in my eyes. It might as well have been the fact that the fireworks were simply splendid. Regardless, something in her eye shifted, and I could tell she was swaying in my favor.

“Fine, you win. But if this has a negative impact on my project, than you’d better make it up to me,” said Twilight with a glare.

I laughed. “Okay, okay. So, do we have a deal?”

“Deal.”

I smiled softly. Not the hard, face-hurting smile like the ones I had. A natural, effortless one, one that carried true happiness.

As we sat on Twilight’s balcony, watching the fireworks go off and paint the night sky a rainbow color, I glanced at Twilight. She looked up at the fireworks like they were the most wonderful things she had seen her entire life. Sure, these fireworks were brighter and prettier than the average year, but still, for somepony who had watched the fireworks fly every year, it was starting to get a tad bit routine. Then, something Twilight had said earlier came back to me.

“Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“Earlier you said that you had no friends until now. But… how come, exactly? You’re, like, the nicest pony I’ve ever met since I came to this school!” I exclaimed, looking at her.

Twilight smiled. A bitter smile. So familiar, yet so… painful. “Let’s just say that ponies around here don’t like other ponies caring for them that much…. When I was little, I tried to reach out to a classmate who had problems with her friendship. She rejected me, and well… things didn’t go too well after that. I tried a few more times with other ponies but… they were no different.”

When Twilight looked at me, there were tears falling from her eyes again. And yet, she had a smile on her face. “But you,” she said as she pointed at me, “you’re different. You needed help, and when I offered to help, you accepted it. To be honest, Lux, when I saw you on top of that tower, I actually hesitated about helping you. Because I’ve been rejected so many times in the past — and you know how these ponies can hurt you with words — I was afraid I might be hurt again. But when you were about to make the jump, I knew I had to help you.”

I blinked. I was surprised, but I wasn’t angry at her. “So… you knew what I was up to?”

Twilight nodded. “Yes… but I didn’t want to take the direct approach because I didn’t want you to deny it…. So I pretended that I didn’t know what was happening at first. I’m… I’m sorry for lying about it. You have every right to be mad at me.” She lowered her head.

I put a hoof under her chin and lifted her face so that our eyes met once more. “Twilight,” I spoke softly, “you’ve never told me a lie. And, even if that does count as a lie, which I don’t, you did something that nopony has ever done before: you pulled me back from the brink, the end that seemed inevitable. You basically saved my life. And not just mine either, but the countless others who would have been affected by my death, particularly my family.” I raised a hoof to wipe a tear away. “You made this night unforgettable, Twilight, and even though the scars of what I went through will stay with me for a long time, you still made me realize that there’s more to life than just despair and pain. You showed me the light out of this misery. And, as for the snobs that rejected and hurt you, you told me to disregard such ponies yourself. I’m sorry you had to go through such experiences, Twilight. I do know how words can hurt. It’s okay to let it all—”

Twilight threw herself into my chest and began to cry, the painful memories from years ago resurfacing. I held her and began patting her back. “It’s okay, Twilight. Just let it all out…. Let it all go…. It’s okay….” Inwardly, I thanked Aurora for teaching me the tactic in the hospital.

As I held Twilight against my chest, continuing to pat her back, I thought about her and what had happened that night. She is just too kind, too innocent for her own good. I’m pretty sure a certain pony who genuinely believed in what others told him can testify to that. Speaking of which, I wonder how Twilight will relay the message to Princess Celestia. Nah, I’ll leave that up to her. She is a trustable friend, after all….

As I trailed off in my thoughts, I noticed that Twilight’s sobs were reduced to regular, soft breathing. I slowly lifted Twilight off my chest. Her eyes were closed, and her chest moved up and down in a peaceful pattern.

“I guess all that listening and crying took a toll on her. Come on, let me get you to bed….” I said as I levitated her with my magic and carried her inside. In the sky, the fireworks were coming to an end.

After tucking Twilight into bed and making sure she didn’t catch a cold by pulling the blanket over her, I walked back down to the library/research lab. The couch sat there, inviting me to sleep, but I didn’t lie down. I walked outside onto the balcony, and stared up at the Moon. The Moon shined above Canterlot, bathing everything in a pale blue glow. I sighed. Not a sad or depressed sigh. A happy, content one. After all those years, I was finally at peace with my own emotions.

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[Sparkle Cola]

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