Rainbows and Laser Beams

by Alabenson

Master of Disguise

“Alright Igor, I’ve finally don it. At long last I’ve devised a completely foal-proof plan to obtain a sample of Princess Twilight’s alicorn DNA!” Professor Boffinspark threw up his front hooves in excitement, nearly causing himself to lose balance and topple backwards out of his chair.

“Ook.”

“No, Igor, this isn’t anything like any of those times. This time I’ve taken into account every possible variable that could affect the outcome,” Boffinspark replied testily.

“Ook.”

“And it was mostly true in that case, too,” Boffinspark said. “If I hadn’t missed one minor detail everything would have worked perfectly.”

****One Week Earlier****

If somepony had asked Twilight what her favorite part of being a teacher was, she would have been hard pressed to pick out a single aspect. That said, grading papers would have likely been one of the top contenders. “It looks like Galus really did his research for his paper on the impact loyalty has had on Equestrian history,” Twilight said to herself. “I was a little worried when his opening thesis focused on loyalty in a business context, but it looks like I can chalk that up to cultural differences.”

Humming to herself as she continued to grade papers, Twilight failed to notice the faint, steady popping sounds coming from outside. Nor did Twilight notice when they stopped, only to be replaced by scratching sounds at the windows edges. This state of affairs continued until finally there was a knock on Twilight’s door. “Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie said as she trotted inside, not bothering to wait for Twilight to answer.

“Hey Pinkie, did you need something?” Twilight said as she looked up from her grading.

“Not really, Applejack just wanted me to tell you something – Oh, hi Professor!” Pinkie Pie suddenly exclaimed.

Confused, Twilight spun around to see Professor Boffinspark clinging to the other side of her office window via suction cups attached to his hooves and levitating locking picking tools. Smiling awkwardly, the professor detached one of his front hooves from the glass to wave back, only to lose his balance and topple back off the glass.

“So…what did Applejack want you to tell me about?” Twilight asked after several seconds of bewildered silence passed.

“Oh right. She said to tell you that the professor been climbing up the school walls, but I guess you already know that, huh?”

*********

“Well, how was I supposed to know that the windows to Twilight’s office don’t open. I mean, really, who doesn’t enjoy having a nice, open window on a hot day?” Boffinspark said.

“Ook.”

“Hindsight is always 20/20, mister smarty-simian, and at least that wasn’t nearly as bad as the seed emporium incident. Anyway, this time we’re going to get inside that school in a way Princess Twilight will never expect; straight through the front door!”

“Ook?”

“Oh yes, my faithful assistant, I said ‘we’! Now fret not, once we’ve donned the brilliant disguises that I’ve assembled nopony will be able to recognize us.” Boffinspark chuckled as he rubbed his front hooves together. “Few ponies know this about me, but in addition to being a scientific genius I’m also a master of disguise.”

*********

“- and I think that’s just about it for this faculty meeting, unless anypony has something else they’d like to bring up,” Twilight said to her assembled friends, minus Pinkie Pie, who was busy leading a tour for prospective students.

“Yeah, I have a question,” Rainbow Dash said. “Are we gonna just keep ignoring the fact that Boffinspark keeps trying to…honestly, I’m not even sure what he’s been trying to do, but whatever it is he keeps trying to do it in the school. I mean, remember a couple weeks ago when he tried getting over the wall by tying a bunch of balloons around his waist?”

“I feel just awful about how that turned out,” Fluttershy said. “I was just trying to see if I could attract a roc with the artificial dragon molt musk Zecora helped make. We hadn’t even set everything up anywhere near the school, it was just that we didn’t expect the wind to shift like that. I’m just glad the roc didn’t wind up hurting Boffinspark too badly.”

“That was wild and all, but Ah gotta say, Ah’m actually with Rainbow Dash on this one. Usually the professor will get bored with somethin’ after a week or two, but somethin’ about this latest batch of nonsense feels different,” Applejack added.

Twilight let out a sigh. “Well, up until now I’ve been trying to just ignore it, but if you thing things are getting out of hoof then I’ll try and talk to him.”

“Well, it helps that Princess Celestia confirmed that Boffinspark is mostly harmless,” Twilight replied. “Plus, so far he hasn’t actually hurt anypony, besides himself anyway, and he hasn’t really disrupted any classes either. It’s not as though he’s done something like hijacking the map to send us to the other side of the planet so he could try taking over the school,” Twilight added while giving Fluttershy a sidelong glance.

“Discord did say he was sorry about that. To me. Eventually,” Fluttershy said defensively, though more to herself than to anypony else.

“Anyway, I don’t think its something I need to worry about right away. I mean, there’s a limit to how much trouble Boffinspark can actually cause, right?” Twilight looked around at her friends, all of whom were staring at her with a mixture of pity and disbelief. “I’m doomed, aren’t I?”

“Well, Ah wouldn’t quite put it that way, sugar cube,” Applejack said. “But Ah wouldn’t underestimate the trouble the professor’s able to get himself into. Best thing we can do fer now is to keep our eyes open fer anythin’ out of the ordinary. ‘Course, knowin’ the professor it won’t be hard to see whatever he tries next.”

*********

“I’m so glad all of you could come to see our School of Friendship!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed as she greeted the assembled crown. “My name is Pinkie Pie and we’re going to have a great time together today.”

“Pardon me, but will we have an opportunity to meet Princess Twilight during this tour?” a unicorn stallion dressed in a lab coat and rainbow clown wig aside, his face obscured by a set of nose glasses that he was wearing over his actual glasses.

“Maybe, Twilight’s been really super busy with running the school and getting ready to take over for Princess Celestia, but I know she loves meeting with new students and parents. Say, have we met before? What’s your name?” Pinkie asked as she leaned in closer.

“Why, I’m Prof…” the stallion sudden quieted as he began nervously glancing about “…file. Profile Image, yes, that’s it. Just an ordinary, non-scientific artist pony that you’ve definitely never met before and have no reason to be suspicious of whatsoever. And this is my equally ordinary and not suspicious at all assistant Rogi,” ‘Profile Image’ said as he gestured to the figure standing next to him, a trench coat-wearing orangutan sporting an eyepatch.

Pinkie Pie carefully regarded the pair for a moment before breaking into a massive grin. “Well, okie-dokie-lokie, let’s get this tour started then!”

As Pinkie Pie proceeded to lead the tour group into the school, ‘Profile Image’ and ‘Rogi’ allowed themselves to drift towards the back of the crowd. “And you said this plan would never work. We’re about to waltz right into the school through the front doors and nopony even suspects a thing!”

*********

“Uh, hey, Professor Applejack?”

Applejack turned her head to see Smolder flying through the hall towards her. “Somethin’ wrong, Smolder?”

“I don’t know if somethings wrong, but I thought you should know that that weird guy that runs the party cannon store is walking around with one of the tour groups.” Smolder said. “Anyway, I kind of figured you’d want to know.”

“Aw ponyfeathers, Ah was really hopin’ we’d have time fer Twilight to try and talk to the professor before he tried somethin’ else. Still, if he’s just walkin’ in with a tour group then maybe he doesn’t have anythin’ too nutty planned,” Applejack added hopefully.

“Yeah…about that,” Smolder said. “He was also wearing a disguise, or at least I think he was.”

“What do y’all mean y’ think he was wearin’ a disguise?” Applejack asked before smacking herself in the face. “No, wait, don’t bother tellin’ me, Ah can already guess. Dagnabbit, this is the dang seed emporium incident all over again. Alright, where the hay is he now?”

“Professor Pinkie was leading the group through the main courtyard when I saw them, I think that means they’re headed to the library next,” Smolder said.

“Great, Ah should be able to get there and head things off before he sneaks off and gets up to something,” Applejack said as she rushed down the school hallways towards the library. In her hast, however, Applejack failed to watch where she was going and crashed headlong into Rainbow Dash as she turned a corner as a result.

“Ow, jeez Applejack, what gives?” Rainbow Dash groaned as she picked herself up off the ground.

“Accordin’ to Smolder, Boffinspark’s snuck in with today’s tour group,” Applejack said as she helped her friend up. “Ah don’t think he’ll be able to get up to much, he and Igor will stick out ‘round here like a pair of watermelons in a bushel of red delicious, but Ah don’t wanna take any chances.”

“Seriously?” Rainbow Dash said before letting out a groan of annoyance. “Actually, I don’t know why I’m even surprised. Honestly, we’re probably just lucky he hasn’t tried sending in mutant wombats or something yet. So, how do you want to handle this?”

“Ah figure if he’s tried disguisin’ himself then we might be able to get him to leave quietly if we can convince him the jig is up,” Applejack said. It didn’t take the pair long to reach the library where Pinkie Pie was helpfully explaining to the prospective students and their parents that the library was a no cannon / loud party / spontaneous musical number zone.

“ – but there is an exception for wandering sections of ongoing musical numbers, as long as that portion is sung quietly enough to not disturb anypony,” Pinkie Pie assured the group, most of whom nodded in understanding. Anypony who had lived in Equestria long enough understood the inevitability of unrehearsed musical numbers breaking out and the importance of being able to work around them.

“’Scuse us, Pinkie,” Applejack said as she approached the tour group while Rainbow Dash deftly positioned herself to cut off Boffinspark’s best avenue of escape. “Ah hate to interrupt yer tour, but Rainbow Dash and Ah need to borrow one of yer guests fer a moment.” Applejack quickly zeroed in on her rainbow wig clad target and pulled him away from the rest of the group and herded him out of the library before anypony could object.

“Okay, Boffinspark, spill it! What crazy sciencey-stuff are you up to this tune?” Rainbow Dash demanded the moment the library doors closed behind them.

“Why, I have no idea who this ‘Boffinspark’ fellow is, miss pony I have never met before, but he certainly sounds like a brilliant and handsome stallion so I’ll forgive the confusion. My name is Profile Image, a humble and definitely not up to something scientist. I mean artist, yes, that’s the ticket,” ‘Profile Image’ quickly corrected himself.

“Wow, I can’t believe it,” Rainbow Dash said solemnly. “I’ve actually managed to find somepony who’s an even worse liar than you, Applejack.”

“Harr dee harr harr, RD,” Applejack grumbled before an evil grin spread across her features. “Look, Ah’ll level with y’all, Mister Image, Ah actually believe y’.”

“You do?” Both ‘Profile Image’ and Rainbow Dash exclaimed in unison.

“Sure Ah do. Why, the stallion we’re lookin’ fer is a real scientist and y’all strike me as the sort of pony who wouldn’t care two bits about somethin’ like nucular physics an’ such.” As Applejack spoke, she made sure to put particular emphasis on how she pronounced ‘nuclear’, causing ‘Profile Image’s’ eyes to visibly start to twitch. “Why, Ah reckon y’all wouldn’t even know the first thing about nucular particles or what have ya – ”

“Nuclear!” ‘Profile Image’ suddenly screamed. “It’s pronounced ‘nuclear’ not ‘nucular’! For Celestia’s sake, how many times do I need to explain this to ponies? And you, Applejack, you know how much that mispronunciation gall me.”

“Do Ah?” Applejack asked with a victorious smirk. “’Cause Ah know Professor Boffinspark gets durn near peeved at that, but y’all said y’ weren’t even a scientist.”

“Ah, yes, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for that,” ‘Profile Image’ said nervously as he backed away from Applejack and Rainbow Dash, who both looked at him expectantly. “Oh, you actually want to hear it. Well, you see, I…um…Dear Celestia, look over there!” With that, ‘Profile Image’ immediately scrambled towards a nearby window and attempted to leap out of it. Unfortunately for him, he neglected to ensure that said window was actually open first, and promptly smashed into the glass before slowly sliding off.

“Man, it’s a good thing Twilight made sure the school windows were strong enough to handle having a pony crash into them,” Rainbow Dash remarked.

“Pretty sure y’all are the reason Twi felt the need fer that,” Applejack said as she trotted over and plucked the rainbow wig off of ‘Profile Image’, or rather Professor Boffinspark’s head. “Alright, professor, we caught y’all dead to rights, so why don’t y’ come with us to Twilight’s office and we can talk about whey y’all keep tryin’ to sneak into the school.”

“Oh very well,” Boffinspark said as he pulled himself up. “Luckily for me, what they don’t realize is that my faithful assistant Igor slipped away from the tour group before they caught me and now has free reign of the school.”

Rainbow Dash leaned over to Applejack. “Umm, does he realize that he’s saying all of that out loud?”

*********

“Oh hello there, are you lost?” Rarity said as she approached the odd, trenchcoated figure standing in the hallway. Upon hearing her voice, the figure seemed to freeze before reluctantly turning to reveal itself to be an orangutan in an eyepatch. “My, um, are you one of Fluttershy’s animal friends, but any chance?”

The orangutan silently stared at Rarity for a moment before pulling out a small notepad and pencil form its trench coat and writing out a short note, which it ten tore out and handed to Rarity.

“‘Greetings, my name is Rogi, a prospective student, and I seem to have become separated from my tour group.’ Ah, well that certainly explains things then. Alright Mister Rogi, let’s see if we can’t get you back to your group. Just follow me.” With that, Rarity began leading the orangutan down the hall. “You know, I have to say I gust adore that trench coat of yours, very noir-esque”

“Ook.”

“You know, you actually wouldn’t be the only orangutan we have in Ponyville,” Rarity continued, not letting the fact that she couldn’t understand a word the prospective student said put a damper on their conversation. “He’s the assistant of the proprietor of a local party supply store…at least I think that’s what it is. His name is Igor, for what it’s worth. The orangutan, not the proprietor, I mean.”

“Ook.”

“The store owner himself? Well, he’s…different. I wouldn’t worry about him too much, however. He usually doesn’t bother anypony here at the school, aside from Twilight, that is. Speaking of whom, Twilight’s office should be just ahead on our right,” Rarity said.

As the pair approached, the doors to Twilight’s office abruptly swung open. “Seriously, why didn’t you just tell me that’s why you’ve been doing all this?” Twilight said as she trotted out, Professor Boffinspark following behind her.

“Well, ponies always seem to overreact whenever I ask them for DNA samples,” Professor Boffinspark said. “I mean, really, with the way they carry on you’d think I was asking for something actually important.”

Twilight rolled her eyes before tarring to notice Rarity and Rogi standing in the hallway. “Oh, hi Rarity. Good, you managed to find Igor, I thought I was going to need to have Starlight and Fluttershy look for him.”

“Twilight, darling, I think you must be mistaken. This fine ape’s name is Rogi, he’s one of the prospective students who were touring the school and got separated from his group,” Rarity replied before turning to Rogi. “I hope you’re not offended by the confusion, I’m sure Twilight just has a lot on her mind right now.”

Twilight stared at her friend as she tried to work out whether or not this was some kind of prank being pulled on her. “Rarity, you can’t really be serious, that’s obviously Igor in a trench coat.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Twilight. Rogi is obviously a completely different orangutan than Igor. I mean, just look at him; Rogi has an eyepatch while Igor doesn’t.”

Wearing an expression usually reserved for dealing excessive bouts of Pinkie Pie-ness, Twilight calmly levitated the eyepatch off of Rogi’s head, causing Rarity to let out a startled gasp of shock.

“Dear Celestia, it really is you, Igor! What an ingenious disguise, I never would have recognized you,” Rarity said in a tone that suggested complete and utter sincerity.

“Ook.”

Twilight took in a deep breath as she reflected ho this at the very least did explain a few things about their ill-fated initial effort to infiltrate Flim and Flam’s Friendship University. “Right. Well, anyway, Boffinspark and I have finished having an overdue chat about why he’s been sneaking around the school and he’s agreed to stop in exchange for a little help with some of his research.”

“Dare I even ask?” Rarity said.

“I seek to uncover the secrets behind the alicorn transformation!” Boffinspark declared, throwing his front hooves in the air.

“Boffinspark believes that my alicorn transformation was triggered when my spell activated some sort of dormant gene, so he wants to investigate my DNA to see if he can figure out the specifics of the genes responsible,” Twilight explained as Boffinspark lost his balance and toppled over. “We hardly know anything about the specifics of how turning into an alicorn works. If Boffinspark’s hypothesis about it is correct then the implications could be incredible.”

“And, just to be clear, you’re entrusting this revolutionary bit of research to him,” Rarity said as she gestured towards Boffinspark, who had collapsed onto the ground and was cackling madly.

“Admittedly, Boffinspark is a little – alright, he’s completely out of his mind,” Twilight admitted. “But I think he may actually be on to something. Besides, how much trouble could he possible cause with something like this?”