Rainbows and Laser Beams

by Alabenson

A Completely Mature Presentation

“Boffinspark is one of your old students?” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, her tone signaling an impending identity crisis.

“Yes, he was,” Princess Celestia replied. “Although her graduated from his studies under me years ago. We don’t keep in contact quite as much as I’d prefer, but he does reach to me whenever he’s invented something he thinks could greatly benefit Equestria. And whatever he’s come up with this time must be something particularly special give that he insisted on presenting it to all four princesses.”

“I have to admit, I’m rather eager to see this new breakthrough myself,” Luna added. “From what Celestia has told me this Boffinspark is a uniquely brilliant stallion of science.”

“He’s definitely unique, I’ll give him that,” Twilight muttered as she slumped back in her seat and glanced at the other three princesses seated with her in the Ponyville Town Hall auditorium. None of her fellow alicorns seemed to share her trepidation regarding whatever it was Boffinspark had insisted they gather together to witness. Princess Celestia was happy as ever to see the accomplishments of one of her former students, Princess Luna had maintained a keen interest in scientific advancements ever since her return and Princess Cadance just seemed happy to have a break from motherhood for an hour or so.

Any possibly for further conversation was soon halted, however, as the lights dimmed and Professor Boffinspark himself took the stage. “Your royal highnesses, I would like to thank you all for joining me today for the unveiling of my latest invention. I have created a machine that shall revolutionize not only Equestria’s military but nearly every sector of heavy labor. After many years of refinement, I have created a pilotable machine that takes full advantage of an upright posture; the Bipedal Utility Mecha. So, without further ado, allow me to present to you my B.U.M.!”

Twilight blinked in shock as she watched Igor pull back the curtain to reveal a hulking, two-legged machine. “Does he even realize that he named that thing…” Twilight thought to herself. A quick glance at Boffinspark’s face dispelled any suspicions that this was some kind of joke. Boffinspark was practically beaming as the princesses admired his invention.

“I have to admit, professor, you B.U.M. does appear to be quite impressive,” Princess Luna said, causing Twilight to stare at her in utter disbelief. Going by the expression of sincere interest on her face, however, it didn’t appear that Luna realized what she had just said.

“Professor, could you please tell us more about the functions of your B.U.M.?” Cadance asked, the mischievous look in her eyes revealing that she knew exactly what she was saying.

“Certainly, your highness,” Boffinspark said before clearing his throat. “A marvel of modern engineering, my B.U.M. possesses unrivaled power, and I’m certain you’ll soon be able to see my B.U.M. on farms and construction sites all over Equestria. But my B.U.M. isn’t just about raw power, but also comfort.” As Boffinspark spoke he opened up the cockpit of the mecha with his magic. “If I can direct your attention to the inside of my B.U.M. –”

Princess Celestia, who up until now had been desperately struggling to keep a straight face, finally let out a strangled snicker at this last statement.

“Is there something the matter, sister?” Princess Luna asked as she turned to Celestia.

“Oh no, it’s only that I just recalled something Discord said to me yesterday. I’d try and elaborate but I’m afraid it wouldn’t make very much sense,” Princess Celestia replied, having already recovered her composure.

“Little of what he says ever does,” Luna said with a note of disdain. “In any event, professor, please resume telling about the inside of your B.U.M..” Twilight promptly buried her face in her hooves at this.

“Of course, princess. As you can likely see, the inside of my B.U.M. is a bit of tight fit, but its quite nicely cushioned so anypony inside should be quite comfy. Now, Princess Cadance, did you want to say something?”

“I was just going to ask if you’d be willing to construct one of these machines for my own use? I’d love to be able to show off my B.U.M. through the streets of the Crystal Empire.” Part of Twilight actually found it impressive that Cadance managed to get through saying all of that with a straight face.

“Why princess, I’d be delighted. It would be an honor and a privilege to work on your B.U.M.! In fact, why don’t I construct a B.U.M. for each of you?” Boffinspark asked, clearly taken with the idea. “Yes, they’ll be some of my finest creations, I’ll start pouring my love into each of your B.U.M.s as soon as possible!”

“That’s so generous of you,” Cadance quickly interjected before Twilight could recover enough from what she had just heard to form actual words. “Although, you may need to make some adjustments for Aunt Celestia’s.”

“I presume you’re referring to her stature, and I’ve of course already considered that. Princess Celestia’s B.U.M. will of course be significantly larger than average,” Boffinspark said.

“It’s not that much larger,” Princess Celestia muttered under her breath.

“Now, there is one minor issue with my invention that I do need to bring up,” Boffinspark said. “The motors that power the hydraulics do sometimes generate a buildup of sulfuric gas, and said gas does leak out from time to time.”

“So, what you’re saying is…” Cadance began.

“Yes, sadly my B.U.M. will sometimes release foul-smelling gas,” Boffinspark confirmed.

“Alright, that’s enough!” Twilight yelled, having finally reached her breaking point. As Twilight angrily glared around the room Celestia and Cadance both lost the last remnants of their composure as well and each collapsed into fits of laughter. Seeing that she wasn’t about to find any support among her fellow princesses, Twilight let out a hoarse groan of frustration and teleported away.

“What in Equestria was that all about?” Luna asked as she watched her elder sister and niece continue to convulse with laughter.

“I have no idea, your highness. Some ponies simply aren’t particularly mature, I guess.”