The Tale of Tux n Tails

by mbrsart

Dear Princess Celestia

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that friends often have the best of intentions, but sometimes you need to tell them when to stop.

Today I learned that sometimes, horrible situations can work out for the better, especially when your friends are willing to help you through them and try new things.

Your faithful servant,
Tux n Tails

P.S. I also learned that I need to buy more paper.

Comments

[Lord Charles]

2184034 spoilers

[Fictional Critic]

Okay, this is going to be a little crazy compared to most of my reviews. I think this is the first time I will be giving a preliminary critique on a story this far along. So get ready to read a lot. To start I'll go over what I think of this story: nearly perfect. Now, on with the review.

Prologue pt.1

"This one is too small," he said, shaking his head.
"Not a problem," Mortar replied. "There are plenty more cottages to choose from."
Mortar led him to another cottage, and when he stepped inside, he knew immediately that it wouldn't work. "This one is too big," he said, his voice echoing in the space. "Maybe if I had a huge family, but it's going to be just me."
"Not a problem," Mortar replied. "I think I know the size you're looking for."
At last, Tux was led to a cottage that looked like a good fit. It was just the right size,

Fictional: I'm glad he found a house but he better watch out for those three bears.

"It's always a pleasure doing business with you, and I encourage you to come to us anytime with questions, comments, or concerns."

Critic: I was curious how long these three had known Tux.

Her voice was warm, sultry. He swallowed hard. She was the most beautiful pony he'd ever seen.

Fictional: I hope I'm not seeing a pattern here.

Prologue pt.2

"Soon," he said. He closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

Fictional: Soon...

When he reached his front door, he half expected Pinkie Pie to leap out and smother him in cake frosting and confetti. But the house was empty.

Fictional: Well he certainly seems oddly disappointed for an introvert.

"Why the long face?" she asked after a moment.
"Very funny," he grumbled.

Fictional:

"Welcome to Rarity's boutique. What can I do for you?"

Critic: "Where every garment is chic, unique, and magnifique."

"No thanks, I've already met enough ponies today."
"Oh come on, Tux! I was exactly like you when I came to Ponyville. Let's go!"
"Okay," he groaned. "Lead the way."

Critic: Well he's easily persuaded isn't he.

"Girls, I want you to meet Tux n Tails. He's new around here."

Fictional: No, anyone but those three.

"They have a mission to find their cutie marks. Hey, maybe you should join them!" Twilight winked and nudged him.

Fictional: Take them away, take them away, don't let them into the plot!

Let's have a party of two, shall we?"

Fictional: I find it hard to believe that you left this here with only pure intention in mind.

Prologue pt.4

Twilight was still very attractive, but there was something he felt about Fluttershy that endeared her to him.

Fictional: Don't you dare go down this road.

At least, he was happy until he met the pony who he was certain was the love of my life.

Critic: Perhaps a mild freudian slip, hmm.

He stopped, put his saddlebags beside the road, and sang:

Fictional: Now I'm reviewing "The Music Stallion," am I?

"She likes you. I ain't never seen her that twitterpated, and I ain't never seen her that affectionate, unless it was toward her family."

Fictional: Seriously, don't go down this path, I beg of you!

"Is it true what they say about long wings?"

Fictional: What did I just say!? Pick one and move on, this is approaching dangerous territory!

Prologue pt.5

"That was one incident," the princess snapped. "The weakness was corrected, and Discord cannot escape again.

Fictional: Well someone is certainly touchy about their magical shortcomings.

"Oh, and you'll be back."

Fictional: Yay, random salesman who knows far more than he probably should. He reminds me of an exorcist in a show I watched recently, what was it, Mata... something or other, I can't be sure. Then again he also reminds me of another character named Nagamimi. I saw that no one had gotten the muffin yet so I thought I would try my hand at guessing.

one of the only non-alicorns who can wield all of the Elements of Harmony.

Critic: Your concepts are begging to bother me and I sincerely hope you make up for these choices.
Fictional: You already have the makings of a 'group' going on do you need to throw in the over powered aspect as well.

The agents of Chaos won't rest until I and those around me are gone. Do you understand?"
"I.... Yes, I think I do."
"And the sooner it happens, the better off you'll all be. I hope to be out of here as soon as I can get away." He put his supplies into his saddlebags, and he held out his hoof to shake. Instead, Rarity embraced him.

Fictional: This made me laugh for a little while. Just reading the part where the sooner they're gone to the agent's of chaos the better.
Critic: Might I suggest switching it around like so: "I hope to be out of here as soon as I can get away. And the sooner it happens, the better off you'll all be."

Chapter 1:

"Who-pony in their right mind would turn down a mare like you?"

Critic: Why would you do this there was no need to put pony in there at all!! This might be the one thing that actually annoys me in a story.

leaving Tux's jacket on the couch

Fictional: Hahaha... What? It's Tux's jacket, so it's a... buck you.

Chapter 1.5

"Nopony seems to want them," Fluttershy sighed sadly. "They're considered bad luck across Equestria."
"Well, I don't believe in luck."

Fictional: So let me get this straight, the one character that has the most right to believe in luck and in fact to fear bad luck, doesn't even believe in it. Well okay then.

Chapter 2:

Something was definitely wrong.
He kept walking until he got to the Boutique.

Critic: I'll say something's wrong, he had just been flying to keep his weight off his hooves, when did he land?

"Fetching? You insult me! I am beautiful, more so than even the goddess Houphrodite!"

Fictional: Wow, I don't know how to respond to that. Heck I don't even know how to read it without bursting out in laughter.
Critic: Why, just why would you put that there. I literally slammed both of my palms on my face the moment I read that.

"This sickness has a price to pay; tomorrow, they won't remember today."

Critic: So basically what you're telling us is that this chapter is filler and has no actual purpose.

much less on shoes that were too small

Critic: Now this makes me really happy, it may not seem like much but it surprises me how many authors forget small details like this.

Chapter 3:

"She actually went to the boutique,"

Fictional: So this is happening, maybe I can watch a character explode.

"Of course," she nodded. "And really, if you want to try this, I'm willing to try it as well."

Fictional Critic: Ah the wonderful roller coaster of love. Still not a fan of this ride, but I'm more surprised that you were able to successfully capture the emotions of this and put them into a story.

"Uh...it's kind of an allusion to an internet meme."

Fictional: Oh look he put down "If you know what I mean," that's pretty clev... Mother of Celestia.

A great read, looking forward to more. Please keep in mind that anything stated was what I thought at the time that I read the quote, so as I learned more opinions changed and things made more sense. I would advise continuing the story as planned and just fixing any grammar errors I caught. Again, incredible story, it definitely has the potential to be among the best, thank you for writing.

[mbrsart]

2424414 Thank you so much for reviewing. I know it was long, but I thoroughly enjoyed your comments. You're doing a great service. Now, some answers. >:]

"It's always a pleasure doing business with you, and I encourage you to come to us anytime with questions, comments, or concerns."

Critic: I was curious how long these three had known Tux.

Since this is on its face a self-insert using my ponysona, I figured I'd model Mortar, Stone, and Wood after a real real estate brokerage. This is how the owner treats her clients, be they first time or repeat.

Her voice was warm, sultry. He swallowed hard. She was the most beautiful pony he'd ever seen.

Fictional: I hope I'm not seeing a pattern here.

Oh, you're seeing a pattern.

"No thanks, I've already met enough ponies today."

"Oh come on, Tux! I was exactly like you when I came to Ponyville. Let's go!"

"Okay," he groaned. "Lead the way."

Critic: Well he's easily persuaded isn't he.

He'd rather endure possible discomfort than assert himself and risk confrontation. (Read: doormat)

"They have a mission to find their cutie marks. Hey, maybe you should join them!" Twilight winked and nudged him.

Fictional: Take them away, take them away, don't let them into the plot!

Just for that, they get an entire chapter.*

Let's have a party of two, shall we?"

Fictional: I find it hard to believe that you left this here with only pure intention in mind.

Tux is a pure soul and a gentle spirit. His intentions are always pure. Well, except when they're not.

Twilight was still very attractive, but there was something he felt about Fluttershy that endeared her to him.

Fictional: Don't you dare go down this road.

Oh, I'm a-goin'!

At least, he was happy until he met the pony who he was certain was the love of my life.

Critic: Perhaps a mild freudian slip, hmm.

Or more likely a proofreading mistake. This was originally a monologue, but I thought that would be too clunky and, well, "Why the crap would Rarity be asking Tux for his life story and have him spill every detail?"

"She likes you. I ain't never seen her that twitterpated, and I ain't never seen her that affectionate, unless it was toward her family."

Fictional: Seriously, don't go down this path, I beg of you!

Oh, I'm a-goin'!

"Is it true what they say about long wings?"

Fictional: What did I just say!? Pick one and move on, this is approaching dangerous territory!

Oh, you better believe I'm a-goin'! But in all seriousness, these little problems will be solved one at a time in a March Madness style bracket extravaganza until at the end one mare remains!

"You're talking about me, aren't you?"
Not necessari--
"Then you're talking about me? Oh Tux I'm so excited!"
Oh crap. What have I done?

Fictional: Well someone is certainly touchy about their magical shortcomings.

TIA: "How dast thou say 'shortcomings'?! We are the most powerful magic user in all of Equestria!"
ME: Except that you couldn't fix one of your former lover's Starswirl's spells, so you passed it off on Twilight like any good point-horned boss would to her underlings.
TIA: "¬.¬ Do you like bananas, MBR?"
ME: Uh....

"Oh, and you'll be back."

Fictional: Yay, random salesman who knows far more than he probably should. He reminds me of an exorcist in a show I watched recently, what was it, Mata... something or other, I can't be sure. Then again he also reminds me of another character named Nagamimi. I saw that no one had gotten the muffin yet so I thought I would try my hand at guessing.

I was aiming for a particular bow-tie wearing, fez-sporting, Sonic-carrying physician who is getting his own side story some time in the nearish future, but not while I'm sidetracked with other things like this and, well my Star Wars piece.

one of the only non-alicorns who can wield all of the Elements of Harmony.

Critic: Your concepts are begging to bother me and I sincerely hope you make up for these choices.

Fictional: You already have the makings of a 'group' going on do you need to throw in the over powered aspect as well.

I myself was getting worried that Gary Tux was just a bit too good for his own shoes. It has a lot to do with the plot, but not until way later, when things start really falling apart and turning upside down.

Fictional: This made me laugh for a little while. Just reading the part where the sooner they're gone to the agent's of chaos the better.

Critic: Might I suggest switching it around like so: "I hope to be out of here as soon as I can get away. And the sooner it happens, the better off you'll all be."

That does make more sense. Updated for the 2nd Edition.

Who-pony

Critic: Why would you do this there was no need to put pony in there at all!! This might be the one thing that actually annoys me in a story.

But I like my poetic word coinages. Well, now that I look at it, it is kinda dumb. I was putting it in there for emphasis, trying to do a bit of conlanging (my other hobby).

"Nopony seems to want them," Fluttershy sighed sadly. "They're considered bad luck across Equestria."

"Well, I don't believe in luck."

Fictional: So let me get this straight, the one character that has the most right to believe in luck and in fact to fear bad luck, doesn't even believe in it. Well okay then.

This actually reflects a real event, and Levi and Wrangler are real cats. I wubs them very much. But this whole chapter was more a bridge for the next chapter where, all of a sudden, Tux has pets.

Something was definitely wrong.

He kept walking until he got to the Boutique.

Critic: I'll say something's wrong, he had just been flying to keep his weight off his hooves, when did he land?

I've fixed it. I'm just so used to equines not having wings, especially since I was probably picturing my IRL horse doing his thing: shuffling around the pasture like he's half asleep.

"Fetching? You insult me! I am beautiful, more so than even the goddess Houphrodite!"

Fictional: Wow, I don't know how to respond to that. Heck I don't even know how to read it without bursting out in laughter.

Critic: Why, just why would you put that there. I literally slammed both of my palms on my face the moment I read that.

That's kinda the idea. I was going for really, really, really corny. She's not right in the head, after all.

"Why do you TORTURE me so?"
Because I can. UMAD?

"This sickness has a price to pay; tomorrow, they won't remember today."

Critic: So basically what you're telling us is that this chapter is filler and has no actual purpose.

Oh, it does. Further down the road, we'll see that memories cannot be erased, only repressed.

"Of course," she nodded. "And really, if you want to try this, I'm willing to try it as well."

Fictional Critic: Ah the wonderful roller coaster of love. Still not a fan of this ride, but I'm more surprised that you were able to successfully capture the emotions of this and put them into a story.

♫ I've been everywhere, man. I've been everywhere. ♫
But here I'm just guessing. These things are usually just one sided for me, through no fault of my own (frustrating to no end).

A great read, looking forward to more. Please keep in mind that anything stated was what I thought at the time that I read the quote, so as I learned more opinions changed and things made more sense. I would advise continuing the story as planned and just fixing any grammar errors I caught. Again, incredible story, it definitely has the potential to be among the best, thank you for writing.

Why, thanks. I'm struggling getting exposure, but I have ways of doing that. (READ ALL THE STORIES! And comment everywhere I go. But sadly, I'm short on time and read at the rate of speech, so it takes me longer to read stuff.)

* A whole chapter for the CMC? I kid, I kid. Actually, I'm getting ideas. NO! GET THEE BEHIND ME, PLOT BUNNIES!

[Fictional Critic]

2425358

TIA: "¬.¬ Do you like bananas, MBR?"

ME: Uh....

Celestia: Would you like a banana?

Just for that, they get an entire chapter.*

Fictional:... I will give you one warning.
Critic: Please leave them out if you don't actually have a use for them, and for the love of Celestia don't give them their own chapter. I like this story but that might just kill it for me.

* A whole chapter for the CMC? I kid, I kid. Actually, I'm getting ideas. NO! GET THEE BEHIND ME, PLOT BUNNIES!

Fictional: Looks like rabbit season will be coming early this year, Critic get my crossbow.

[mbrsart]

2426156 Crossbow with flaming arrows!