A Tale of the Pinkie Pied Piper and the Pastel Pestilence

by Pacific Penguin

Things Fall Apart

...I had never expected things to go awry so quickly when our expert arrived. The parasprites had never tried anything like that before… I’m still not sure if they snuck onto the train while we weren’t looking, or jumped on while the train approached from the outskirts of the city, or what. They’re not really the smartest creatures. Mostly, they just eat, reproduce, and look mind-numbingly cute. Not the sort of thing you would expect to maliciously infest your city. Or set up apparent ambushes…

Anyway, what with the parasprite attack leaving our one pony band out of a job, we had a bit of work cut out for ourselves…

“This is not pinkie keen… this is not pinkie keen at all… so much for that!” said a not-terribly-discouraged Pinkie Pie.

Guy, who had begun running towards Pinkie a few moments after the parasprites disbanded, quickly approached. “…Eh… *huff*…uh… *huff*…what the heck just happened?! Um… Now what? That was working PERFECTLY!”

“Oh don’t be such a worrywart, silly," Pinkie chimed. "I can just find some new instruments! And besides that, I still have my tuba. And my harmonica. Well, part of a harmonica… I guess it’s not quite harmonious anymore… maybe I should just call it a discordica… OH! And I still have my tambourines! I mean, I have half of them! I have the frames! Maybe I’ll call those fifty percent tambourine… like Luke…”

“Erm, what? So what do we need to get you back in action?”

“WELL, I need to replace the tambourine skins, get some new blow pipes for my harmonica, and get a banjo and an accordion! I’m sure there’s a music store in the city that has what we need!”

“I somehow doubt that… the parasprites have been here for days. For DAYS! They’ve been here for at least three days now. I really wish someone could have helped us with these things much earlier… I’m not sure the city can take much more abuse. I mean, some buildings have been seriously eaten up, to the point that they’re no longer structurally sound. Ugh." He sighed. This is not looking good… If we don’t get rid of them soon, some of the damages may be irreversible.”

For the first time since she had arrived, Pinkie Pie took a good look at the city proper. From a distance, it hadn’t looked so bad. But this close to the infestation epicenter, it looked pretty bad. Nearly all the buildings in her line of sight had signs of parasprite bite marks, bits missing, structural damage. It would have been easy to mistake the place for a city besieged from the inside out, which in a sense, it was.

“Erm… right, so about those instruments… do you know where the closest music store is…?” She finally said.

“I do,” he said, pulling out a map, “but I don’t know its exact location, and we may have to detour to avoid the parasprites long enough to gather everything we need, or get around any buildings that may have collapsed. I don’t think any have yet, but some may soon… We may also have to visit a couple different stores to get everything you need… let me see exactly where the commercial districts are…” He unfurled it and laid it out on the ground.

“So… there are commercial districts there, there, and there… Record Foal’s might have some instruments, but it’s probably mostly records… Steedivarius is probably the best bet for the banjo… and then there’s Neighthoven’s Finest… I think all those places should have everything we need. We should hit Record Foal’s since it’s the closest then.”

“Well, all righty then! Let’s make like bunnies and get there quick-like! Oooh, can we stop by a filly cheesecake place? I haven’t had a good cake in sooo long! Do you know of a good one around here?”

“Pinkie, can’t this wait? For all I know, the parasprites could come by and finish off your instruments while we eat.” Guy suddenly shook his head around like he was getting a thought out of it. “And besides, we want to stop them from doing any more damage than they’ve already done! We have to focus here. We can celebrate later.”

“Sorry, I get pretty distracted sometimes,” Pinkie said. “My friend Twilight gets kinda short with me about it sometimes, but I know she forgives me for it in the end. We can have a big ol’ party with cheesecake and everything after we give those spriteys what for!” She continued, her enthusiasm obviously building.

Guy gave her a short look before responding, “Okay. Let’s get to it then. I’m sure whatever party you can come up with after all this will be… well worth it. Let’s go…”

…Pinkie didn’t really bother me at that point, I just didn’t understand her. You probably have this problem with her. She has a… let’s say, different way of thinking. It’s certainly completely unlike the way you and I probably think. At that point in time, I was almost short with her myself. But I didn’t give her a hard time, because I didn’t fully understand or know her or her character. When I had asked Princess Celestia about her, she didn’t really give me much to go by. I only caught that she was, well, pink, a baker, a premier party organizer, and an expert on parasprites. I didn’t have much to understand her by.

Oh, and speaking of understanding, there are quite a few things that we don’t fully understand about parasprites. For example, why they continually reproduce such insane amounts of offspring that the environment obviously cannot support. Some ponies speculate, and there are supposed accounts of such things floating around, that once the sprites reach a certain “critical mass” of parasprites, they form a “hivemind” of sorts. And apparently this hive-mind takes the form of many parasprites in physical contact with each other. Which would explain why many parasprite infestations simply disappear after awhile. Well, they either disappear or parasprite populations explode, warranting more drastic assistance.

No pony really knows what causes some infestations to result in hive-minds and others not, so that was not a risk I was willing to take with Fillydelphia. Hive-minds aren’t very well documented either, but they don’t sound good. They apparently cause the normally pretty haphazard creatures to act in more organized ways and act much more intelligently… which, of course, means bad news for most places susceptible to infection…

Pinkie and Guy approached one of the many commercial districts in the carefully organized city. Most of the roads in the city divided it up into many neat squares. The city wasn’t quite empty, but it had significantly fewer ponies than a bustling city should. Many had left with many of their belongings to save what they could from the parasprites. A fair number of ponies also stayed behind, either to try to protect parts of the city with historical significance, or to try to fend off the parasprites themselves. So the city was a great deal quieter than usual, but some hustle and bustle could be heard, and the cries of seagulls were audible. Unfortunately for the city, parasprites were not part of a seagull diet.

The pony in blue armor, and the other instrument-clad pony set forth on the worn Fillydelphian street. They didn’t quite gallop, but walked quickly, cautiously looking about for any parasprites. They cantered on for a little while before Guy finally spoke.

“I remember that there were a lot more parasprites on the first day of their infestation,” he said, “There were so many of them it was almost like the sky was made of them. There were just clusters of the things flying around all over the place. Come to think of it, I’m rather surprised they didn’t do more damage than they did… it’s probably partially because after day one, they dropped significantly in number, but they were still all over the city causing trouble.”

Pinkie chimed in. “Call me loco, but parasprites normally eat actual food. Do you know why they’re eating the buildings and things?”

“Yes, I know, they shouldn’t be eating the buildings. I’ve been told that the combination of drought and magic disruptance by the Aurora Borealis this year has caused their usual food sources to become scarce. So now they’ve come to our city to find whatever protein sources they can get. ”

“Ooh. Okay. But I think there’s something a little off here! There shouldn’t… diets… this much mass…" She began to gesticulate wildy. "...collective-but then they’d be… entropy! Carry the one, annnnd… we should hurry, don’t you think, Guy?”

“Of course we should hurry, Pinkie? What were you talking about? It sounded important.”

“Gathering instruments, duh. Let’s go.”

“No really, what were you talking about?”

“Instruments!”

“Hey, honestly now, I’m not so sure that all had to deal with…”

This back and forth continued for a good portion of the journey to Record Foal’s. The buildings along the street they were traversing were moderately damaged, but none were in especially dire shape. A few parasprites lingered around the rooftops of the buildings, some munching contentedly. A few sat and watched the pair walk by. Guy was still trying to pry further meaning from Pinkie’s earlier rambling, and he wasn’t getting anywhere.

Several ponies could be seen about. A green mare with light blue hair strolled about, and she was strapped with rather stuffed saddlebags. She didn’t quite look down-trodden, but she didn’t look well-to-do either. Another pony, a brown earth pony rushed by with a net. He wore glasses, and looked like a historical preservationist. He quickly disappeared down a side street. The last pony in immediate view was a pale-orange unicorn with a dark purple mane and tail, and she wore blue Fillydelphian guard armor, like Guy's. She was patrolling around, very intently examining her surroundings for signs of trouble. She saw Pinkie and Guy, but did not react to their arrival.

Guy was still occupied with trying to extract more information from Pinkie. “…are you sure you didn’t mean to say more? This is the security of the city we have at stake here! This is something of my concern, and I must know every last detail. If you’re holding out on me…”

“Oh no. I’m pretty sure I was just talking about instruments. Oh hey look! There are other ponies about! For a second, I thought it was a ghost town! Which is kinda silly, why would ghosts only live in towns? Like here. Filly is a city, why does nobody call it a ghost city? I mean really…”

Guy looked around for the first time in awhile, as Pinkie Pie continued to monologue. He immediately recognized the guardpony.

“Hey – Pinkie – hold on, there’s another member of my guard. Hey! Hey Prim Amber! Get over here!”

She had been looking down another street, and turned to look right at Guy, with a fairly neutral expression. She complied with his request, and quickly trotted over to them.

“Hey Prim Amber. I forgot I stationed you over here." He mused. "Anyway, this is Pinkie Pie, our expert on parasprites. We had a little... mishap, so it may be a bit longer before we eradicate these sprites… you can help us rectify the problem, I think.”

“Yes sir.” She replied simply.

Pinkie, ecstatic, took the opportunity to give Amber a vigorous hoofshake. “Pleased to meet you, Prim Amber!”

Amber accepted the over-eager hoofshake and eyed Pinkie curiously.

…Prim Amber is one of my higher-ranked unicorn guard ponies. She graduated from one of the few pure-magic academies in Equestria. How she ended up with a job with the Filladelphian guard, I will never understand. She doesn’t talk too terribly much about herself, so I’m still in the dark on the matter. She knows the ins and outs of magic though – she’s very handy to have. I’d wager she’s almost as good as you in terms of magic.

Sorry, that was a little off topic. It’s relevant to helping you understand how exactly we got rid of the sprites though, so I felt it needed to be mentioned. This is where things start to get a little… complicated…

The pale unicorn spoke: “What exactly is the problem, sir?”

“Well, Pinkie here brought a bunch of instruments in order to control the parasprites, but one of the instruments broke while she was playing, and then the parasprites made a snack out of some of her others. So now we need to retrieve some new ones.”

“I can’t wait to see what kinds of instruments they have around here! Maybe they have some better ones than-“

“Excuse me,” Prim cut Pinkie off flatly. “That it, sir?”

“Yes, that’s all we need doing now.”

In a very neutral manner, she said, “Very well. Resume, Pinkie Pie.”

The pony in question immediately continued as if she had never been stopped: “-what I lost. Wouldn’t that be great? If they have a huge selection, maybe I can even get a bunch of instruments that match each other! That’d be just awesome!”

And with that, the group continued onward. They were smack dab in the middle of one of the commercial districts, rapidly approaching Record Foal’s. The street they were on was now deserted, except for a few parasprites. The buildings around them were made of wood and stone, mostly short, two-to-three story houses. The parasprites, they noticed, were feasting on a nearby building. As the ponies started to walk by, the weight of the building suddenly shifted with a crumbling sound.

Prim, who had been walking in step with Guy, hissed and quickly lifted a hoof to block his path.

Somewhat startled, he came to his senses and quickly realized what was going on, spinning around to shove Pinkie back as Prim ran out of the way.

The building was not particularly massive, but it was still threatening. It groaned as it began to fall, quickly toppling over once it began, a column of brick and wood. It smashed into the street, throwing debris and dust all over. It had fallen a few strides in front of the trio, a little too close for comfort. So close, in fact, that they were showered with dirt and bits of building.

“Crap!” Guy, mostly unfazed, stopped to look around at the other buildings around him.

“I must have underestimated how damaged this area was… If that building collapsed, most of the buildings around here must be unstable, and especially those around this one. I’d say we should find another route to the music store, but if just the three of us set that off, it could be risking it after we’ve walked past all those buildings once. We should try to make it around this rubble… quickly.”

He glanced around, his eyes finally coming to rest on the rubble before him. It encompassed just about the entire street. “I think the fastest way would be right over the fallen building,” he said. “Prim, help me clear some of this so it’s easier to climb over.” She obliged, using her magic to help him clear away debris to make an improvised incline. This was made difficult by the dusty cloud that was still drifting down.

“Pinkie? I think you should climb over last. That way Prim can help you over with magic. I’ll go first.” He said, and carefully walked up onto part of the remains of the side of the building.

Parts of the structure had retained their shape, while others caved in or had become rubble. He carefully – but urgently – made his way across, carefully testing each step with a hoof before committing to them. It took him a little while, but he made it across without any issues. The only sounds were those of his hooves moving nimbly across, and various pieces of rubble falling down every so often, either of their own accord or at his hoof’s touch. And then, he jumped down on the other side, breathing a sigh of relief.

He called back. “I’m over, Prim, you’re up next.” Wordlessly, she began, following his path. Her lighter frame made the journey much easier. In record time, she stepped down on the other side.

“You’re up, Pinkie,” she said. “All righty-roo! It’s at a time like this that I wish I wasn’t such an addict to cupcakes… but they’re sooo good…”

“Listen, I’ll do what I can to make your journey easier with my magic, okay? But first, I’ll move your instruments over here telekinetically.” Pinkie nodded, freed herself from her instruments, and carefully stepped up as they were sent over.

Her instruments having been quickly moved over the wreckage by Prim, Pinkie hopped onto the remains of the building’s wall. Then, she began hopping from solid wall piece to solid wall piece, jumping over gaps and caved in portions in the wall. At one point she nearly fell into the rubble after shifting her weight a little too much, as she prepared to jump again, but a magic glow quickly enveloped her as Prim stabilized the overzealous mare.

But then, a few hops, skips, and jumps away from the other side, a crack suddenly appeared on the wall piece Pinkie stood on. She looked down at it with dismay. “Not good!” she shouted out. She hurried her journey across, and jumped to another wall piece.

No sooner had she done so, when the crack suddenly extended deeper into the wall section with a very audible sound. The wall piece was quickly split into two, and the two pieces fell in opposite directions. Pinkie quickened her pace even more.

Pinkie made her way higher up on the building, still following the path Guy had first pioneered. Then she jumped down from her perch continuing her journey, and at that same moment a few unstable wall pieces fell over, knocking over other wall pieces behind Pinkie, causing the rest of the structure to begin to shake a bit. The wall pieces next to Pinkie Pie, including the piece she was standing on, began to lurch precariously.

“Make it stop!” she shrieked, and prepared to jump. The piece she was going to jump to suddenly buckled and shook, before completely falling apart. In a panic, she quickly looked around and found a more stable platform to flee to. She leapt to one. Now, the whole structure shook quite violently.

“Pinkie, GO!” Guy yelled.

Pinkie jumped, skipped, jumped left, and jumped right as she navigated the new maze of unstable platforms. She had just a few more to go. She almost lost her balance a few times, but each time Prim would step in and stabilize her just in time.

She jumped across again – she was only about five feet from the edge of the structure now. She jumped for the other end, but misstepped and was heading towards a pit of rubble. Again, Prim quickly stepped in, and struggled to change her trajectory with a magical pull. Pinkie landed on the other side with a tumble as the rest of the building simply collapsed, sending another flurry of dirt and debris everywhere, like a final curtain call for the building.