The Cosmos Calamity

by 42Zombies

Nopony's Vault But Mine

During Twilight’s days as a student in Canterlot, Pony Joe’s donut shop had served as a little home away from home. Twilight hadn’t done a lot of socializing in those days, so the times when she went to get donuts or coffee were the only times she’d really go out to do something. And while Ponyville had the Cakes and Pinkie, Twilight sometimes found herself missing the atmosphere of Joe’s shop.

When Twilight and Spike entered the shop, a wave of nostalgia hit them both. It was silly, of course; it had only been a couple months since the last time they’d been to Pony Joe’s shop. But with everything that went on in Ponyville and in Twilight’s life in general, those few months almost seemed like a lifetime ago.

Pony Joe had been cleaning the countertop when the bell over the door rang. As soon as he saw who had come in, a big smile appeared on his face.

“Princess Twilight!” Joe said in a loud, friendly tone of voice. Normally, Twilight would have worried that this would draw attention to her. However, it was the middle of the afternoon; not exactly pique business hours for a donut shop. There didn’t seem to be anypony in the shop except for someone sitting by themselves and reading a newspaper in the corner.

“How’s business, Joe?” Spike asked as he and Twilight took a seat at the counter.

With a sigh, Pony Joe slung the rag he’d been using to clean the counter over his shoulder. “Lemme tell you,” he said with a roll of his eyes. “Ever since folks found out this was a place Twilight went to when she was just a student, I’ve been getting business by the barrel. Trouble is, most of ‘em just wanna eat what Twilight ate, or sit where she sat.”

Twilight and Spike exchanged a look. They’d certainly run into their share of odd fan-ponies ever since Twilight had gained her wings. Mostly, they were harmless, but every now and then there’d be a real weirdo. From the sounds of things, Pony Joe was dealing mostly with the latter.

“Sorry about that,” Twilight said through her teeth.

Pony Joe waved a hoof in the air to dismiss Twilight’s concerns. “Ah, don’t worry ‘bout it,” he said. “Trust me, I’ve dealt with worse. You don’t wanna see what this place’s like after a big hoofball game, Princess, trust me.”

Twilight laughed politely behind her hoof. Spike, who was a bit of a hoofball fan himself, felt insulted for a reason he wasn’t quite sure of.

“Trouble is, with all the new customers, I’m getting to be understaffed,” Joe continued. “I’ve tried hiring a few folks to help out in the kitchen, but none of ‘em have worked out.”

“What kinds of ponies have you hired?” Twilight asked, already wondering why Joe would have trouble finding hires.

“Lotsa types,” Joe said, leaning on the counter tiredly. “Not just ponies, neither. I wound up hiring one of them furry guys; y’know, the ones who worked for the Storm King?”

“Oh, yeah,” Twilight said. “The furry guys.”

“Well, at first he did real good,” Joe said. “He followed instructions, didn’t complain or sample the wares. The trouble was, his fur kept getting in the donuts. And since they don’t make full-body hairnets, I had to let the guy go.”

Twilight wanted to offer some words of reassurance, but the image of one of those yeti soldiers wearing a gigantic hairnet was too funny to not laugh at. A snort of laughter escaped Twi, prompting an odd look at Spike.

When the giggles had well and truly left her, Twilight ordered a pair of bear claws for herself and Spike. They made short work of them, along with the complimentary coffee. Despite Pony Joe’s insistence that the pastries were on the house, Twilight had refused to not pay for them. Pony Joe gave a nod of thanks and then headed to the back of the shop.

“I can’t believe you turned down free pastries,” Spike said. It was hard to tell if he was disappointed in Twilight or impressed by her integrity.

“I get enough free pastries from Pinkie, Spike,” Twilight pointed out. “Besides, relying on a royal title just to get free stuff isn’t the right thing to do. I have a responsibility to the ponies in Equestria. I can’t take advantage of that.”

“You’re just full of morals, aren’t you?”

The familiar voice caught both Twilight and Spike off-guard. At first, Twilight wasn’t sure where it had come from. Then she remembered there was only one other pony in the donut shop. Twilight turned to the corner where the only other customer sat, their face obscured by a newspaper.

Slowly, the newspaper lowered to reveal a smirking Tempest Shadow, AKA Fizzlepop Berrytwist.

“Fizzlepop!” Twilight cried out in surprise. She rushed over to the table where the Storm King’s former minion was sitting at and held up a hoof. Tempest extended her own hoof and pounded Twilight’s in a friendly greeting.

It didn’t take Twilight long to notice something was different about Tempest. She’d switched out the black armor she’d worn under the Storm King’s employ for the golden armor that Canterlot’s guards wore. Now Twilight understood what Celestia had meant by ‘community service’.

“Still feels weird hearing my real name,” Tempest said dryly. “You’re about the only pony who doesn’t call me ‘Tempest’.”

From where Spike sat, he reached a claw up to wave at Tempest. “Heya, Fizzlepop!”

Tempest looked at Spike from over Twilight’s shoulder and gave him a brief nod in acknowledgement. “Yeah, hi… uh… baby dragon.”

The friendly smile on Spike’s face turned into an unamused frown. He and Tempest hadn’t really gotten a chance to talk yet, but that was no excuse for her to not know Spike’s name. All those years outside of Equestria had really done a number on Tempest’s etiquette.

“Look at you!” Twilight said in amazement. She couldn’t take her eyes off of the golden armor Tempest was wearing. “You’re a royal guard now?”

“Not exactly,” Tempest said, smiling a bit at Twilight’s attention. “Your Princess gave me a job guarding the royal vaults. Apparently, since I have so much experience with stealing magical artifacts, I’m the perfect fit for security duty.” Tempest shrugged, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, this all seems a little too forgiving.”

“Would you rather have them throw you in the dungeons for your various war crimes?” Twilight asked teasingly. Tempest’s only response was to chuckle.

“I’m still getting used to the whole… ‘love and friendship’ thing,” she said with a sigh. Tempest set the newspaper back down at the table she’d been sitting at and hopped out of her seat. “I’ve been out of Equestria for… well, a long time. I’m used to how things work out there.

“But here?” Tempest looked out of the shop’s window at the ponies walking in the street. “I don’t know. I feel like a stranger in Equestria. Nothing’s making a whole lot of sense lately.”

There was a loneliness in Tempest’s voice that took Twilight by surprise. Twilight might not have known the hornless unicorn all that well, but they had still become fast friends at the Festival. Twilight wished she knew what to say to Tempest, but what could she say? Nothing came to mind.

Tempest seemed to notice that Twilight wanted to reach out to her. Tempest straightened up and cleared her throat, trying to brush off the dreary, distant mood she’d just had.

“So, Princess,” Tempest said. “You want to see the royal vaults?”

Twilight’s eyes lit up with interest. The royal vaults? It was certainly an attractive proposal. Twilight had never had a reason to go see them before. On top of that, the vaults were tightly guarded; it was impossible to get into the central vault for most ponies. It wasn’t really a place you could do sightseeing.

“Is that allowed?” Twilight asked. She spoke quietly, as if Pony Joe might hear them from the back of the shop and report them to the guards. “I mean, will you get in trouble?”

Tempest threw up her shoulders in an uncaring shrug. “Eh. I work there, and you’re a princess. Between the two of us, I think we’re allowed.”

Oh. Right. Despite living in a palace, being involved in politics, and occasionally having to wear a crown, Twilight still forgot she was a princess from time to time.

“Besides, I’ll just be showing you where I work,” Tempest continued as she began trotting towards the door. “It’s not like we’ll be going into the central vault. Even the guards can’t get in there.”

Seeing that Tempest was leaving, Twilight hurried after her. Spike wasn’t far behind. He ran as fast as his stumpy little dragon legs could carry him. Both Twilight and Spike followed Tempest out into the street and off towards the royal vaults.

“Well, I suppose it won’t be any trouble, then,” Twilight said as she lifted Spike onto her back. “I have business with the princesses, though, so I don’t want to take too long.”

“It’s just a visit,” Tempest sighed, glancing over her shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be in and out before you know it.”

---

“Wait. One of your friends used to run a cult?”

Twilight and Tempest had been walking for a while by the time they reached the road to the royal vaults. During the time they’d spent walking, they’d talked and gotten to know each other. Or, rather, Tempest had gotten to know Twilight; Tempest didn’t talk about herself very much.

“It wasn’t really a cult,” Twilight said with a nervous chuckle. “It was more of an… isolated commune where they adhered to a certain way of life based on the ideals of a single, charismatic pony.”

“Twilight, that’s a cult,” Tempest said dryly. “That’s the very definition of a cult.”

“I was watching hoofball at the time,” Spike said, “so I can’t say if it was a cult or not. But I will say that Starlight definitely seems pretty culty sometimes.”

Twilight gave Spike a look. It was a look that said ‘It’s not nice to imply our friends act like cult leaders, even if it’s super true’. Spike could only shrug in response, getting a chuckle out of Tempest.

They were at the doors of the building that contained the royal vaults. It was a large, white, stone building with a golden dome for a roof. A pair of large, golden doors was set into the front wall. Intricate patterns had been carved into the doors, depicting vines and ivy branching out in all directions. A set of stained windows peered down from the second story.

Twilight turned to Tempest to comment on the building’s architecture, or to say something about how she should have come here a while ago. But something was wrong. Tempest had a serious expression on her face as she stared at the door. It was an expression Twilight hadn’t seen since she’d been capture and drained of her magic. Something was setting Tempest’s soldier instincts off.

“There are supposed to be guards stationed outside,” Tempest said, any trace of fun in her voice gone. Her change in tone and composure was almost a complete 180; like she’d turned into a different pony.

‘The Strange Case of Fizzlepop and Tempest Shadow’.

Twilight watched as Tempest trotted forward to inspect the vault’s doorway. She went about her business so seriously that it was almost off-putting. Twilight didn’t want to say anything out of fear she’d somehow distract Tempest.

“Maybe they went on break?” Spike ventured cautiously.

“The guards here might be soft, but they’re still trained professionals.” Tempest didn’t look at Twilight or Spike as she spoke. She was running her hoof over the edges of the golden doors, inspecting for something Twilight couldn’t have guessed. “They wouldn’t abandon their post without having someone else take over.”

Evidently satisfied with what she had or hadn’t found, Tempest pushed the golden double-doors open with a single hoof. The doors swung inwards with a low creaking noise that made Twilight’s hairs stand on end.

The main building of the royal vaults was almost completely dark. The sunlight shining in from outside did little to illuminate the large lobby that waited beyond the doors. Unintimidated by the darkness, Tempest trotted on ahead. Twilight called after her friend, but she quickly trotted in after her, Spike in tow.

The two ponies stood side-by-side in the dimly-lit lobby. From where Spike sat on Twilight’s back, he squinted to try and make out anything in the dark. He thought he saw a desk; maybe a potted plant? It could’ve been a Ficus or something.

“Er… Twilight?” Tempest whispered. She nudged the other pony to get her attention, and then gestured out to the dark. “Do you think you could light things up a little? I would, but I don’t want to blow us up.”

“Oh!” The fact that Tempest couldn’t use her magic to light things up had completely slipped Twilight’s mind. With a bashful chuckle, Twilight lit up her horn and bathed the room in lavender light.

The lobby, while well-maintained, wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. From the way it looked, it seemed this was just a room for guards and employees to check in. A red carpet stretched from the entrance doorway to a stairwell that led down into the actual vaults.

Lying in front of that stairwell was a pair of motionless guard ponies.

“Oh my gosh!” Twilight exclaimed. She rushed over to the pair of guards, fearing for the worst. Thankfully, once Twilight was at their side, she saw they were both still breathing. Twilight let out a sigh of relief while Spike jumped down to stand at her side.

“What happened to them?” Spike asked. He reached out to poke one of the guards, but then thought twice and withdrew his claw.

“Magic.” Tempest’s tone was cold and calculated as she approached from behind. “They aren’t bruised, so the attacker didn’t engage them in combat. They must have used a spell to knock them out.”

“Attacker?” Spike repeated fearfully. “W-What makes you think they were attacked?”

“Because guards don’t typically just abandon their posts and then pass out on their own,” Tempest said dryly. She walked up to one of the guards and kicked them lightly with her front hoof. “Hey. Wake up.”

Twilight watched as Tempest continued to try and gently kick consciousness back into the guard. She had been about to step in and put a stop to Tempest’s terrible bedside manner when the guard’s eyes began to flicker open. The guard looked exhausted, but none the worse for wear.

“Sky Scrawl,” Tempest said to the guard bluntly, “what happened? Who did this?”

The guard groaned weakly. He moved his hoof to his head in a motion that seemed to require all of his energy. For a moment, Twilight worried he wouldn’t be able to speak, but eventually he began to gradually find his words.

“Came in… outta nowhere,” Sky Scrawl grumbled. “They just dropped outta the sky… Then… ugh…”

“Focus,” Tempest said sternly. She lowered herself to the guard’s eye level and grabbed both sides of his face roughly, shaking him back and forth for a bit. Tempest glared into Sky Scrawl’s eyes; her horn was beginning to spark slightly.

“Er… Tempest?” Twilight said. Her friend’s behavior was starting to get kind of intense. It was a little scary. Unfortunately, Tempest was a bit too preoccupied to start listening to Twilight.

“Where are the other guards? Has the pony who did this already left?”

Sky Scrawl seemed to be starting to wake up, if only a little bit. He stammered and stalled as he tried to wrack his brain. “The others are at their stations, I think. And I don’t think the pony who did this is gone… I dunno… I think I’ve been asleep.”

“Of course.” Tempest sighed, letting go of Sky Scrawl and letting him drift off into unconsciousness once again.

Twilight watched as the guard pony’s head dropped to the ground, unable to stay up without some kind of support. Twilight reached out to Sky Scrawl, but was caught off-guard by the sight of Tempest stepping over him and walked towards the stairwell. Exasperated, Twilight followed her, Spike once again hopping onto her back.

The stairwell was dimly illuminated by torches set into the wall. Despite the flickering light from the flames, however, Twilight realized she couldn’t see the bottom of the stairwell. She decided to keep the light in her horn going, just to be safe. Anything could be waiting for them down there, after all.

“Fizzlepop…” Twilight whispered as they descended the stairs. She wasn’t sure why she was whispering; it just seemed like the right thing to do when dealing with a possible break-in. “Don’t you think you were a little rough with Sky Scrawl?”

“Hmm?” Tempest barely glanced over her shoulder at Twilight and Spike as they continued down the stairs. “What do you mean?”

“You were kicking him and shaking him a bunch,” Spike said bluntly.

“Oh.” Tempest sounded mildly surprised to hear this being brought up. “Sorry. Instincts took over.”

“Instincts?” Twilight repeated. “Your instincts tell you to rough up an unconscious pony?!”

Tempest continued marching down the steps, into the ominous darkness. It was starting to dawn on Twilight that these stairs led very, very far down. Well, if there was one safe place to keep a mysterious royal vault, deep underground was probably it. Twilight wondered how deep the designers of the vault had had to dig to make this.

“Look,” Tempest said, sighing impatiently. “I’ve been out of Equestria for a very long time; most of my life, actually. I’m used to how things are done out there. Now’s not exactly the best time to be gentle either way.”

Twilight frowned. “Normally, I’d concede that you had a point, but you literally kicked him.”

“Stop,” Tempest said.

“No, I’m being serious!” Twilight exclaimed. “You can’t tell me it’s okay to kick somepony anywhere in the world! It has nothing to do with being gentle; it’s just common sense!”

“No, I mean actually stop,” Tempest said. “Something’s wrong.”

Twilight froze in her tracks, one hoof hanging awkwardly in midair. She looked around and noticed they had stopped on a landing. A pair of golden doors stood to Twilight’s left, nowhere near as large and ornate as the ones out front. The stairs continued on downwards from the landing, plunging once again into darkness.

Tempest—or Fizzlepop or whoever she was at the moment—observed the doors stoically. She placed a hoof on the doorframe once again and began to inspect it, one eyebrow raised. Twilight watched Tempest as she ran her hoof up and down the frame for what felt like minutes.

“Is this an instinct thing, too?” Spike asked sarcastically.

Tempest looked over her shoulder and shot a look at Spike that was absolutely chilling. It reminded Twilight of the look Tempest had had when she zapped that mole who Capper had worked for. For just a moment, Twilight was actually worried for Spike’s safety. After a few seconds, however, Tempest exhaled and returned to a neutral expression.

“These doors lead to Canterlot’s gold reserves,” Tempest explained, tapping her hoof against the door for emphasis. “The doorframe is enchanted to keep track of anyone who enters or exits the room. Whoever it was that knocked out the guards upstairs, they haven’t gone into this part of the vaults.”

Twilight blinked. Why would a thief bypass a room filled with gold and riches? What else was in these vaults?

“Also, this door should have guards stationed outside of it as well,” Tempest pointed out as an aside. “And, well… Obviously, it doesn’t.”

“Whenever something like this happens, I always wind up wondering why we even have so many guards,” Spike muttered. He didn’t pay taxes, but if he did, he’d be complaining about what a waste of money all these guards seemed to be.

“You’re not wrong,” Tempest admitted, glancing down the stairwell. “Whoever trained these guards wasn’t very competent.”

Spike had been a little proud to hear Tempest was agreeing with him, but his pride turned to embarrassment when Tempest disparaged the pony who’d trained the guards. Spike looked down at Twilight and saw she had an irritated, unamused expression on her face.

“My brother was the last captain of the guards,” Twilight said flatly.

“So, hey, we should keep going downstairs,” Tempest said quickly. Without waiting for a response, she descended down into the darkness. With a frustrated sigh, Twilight followed after her, her horn helping to illuminate their way.

---

“How much farther down do we have to keep going?” Spike grumbled after they’d descended several more flights of stairs. “It feels like we’ve been walking forever.”

“It’s been less than ten minutes.” Tempest replied.

Spike groaned dramatically and rolled over on Twilight’s back. He gazed up at the dimly-lit ceiling. The torches that had once lined the walls of the stairwell had stopped being lit several flights ago. Now they only had the purple glow of Twilight’s horn to help them along the way.

“We shouldn’t be much longer,” Tempest said. “The only place left for anypony to be is the entrance to the reliquary. We’ll get answers once we’re there.”

“You think that’s where all of the missing guards are?” Twilight asked.

“Either that, or whoever broke in has done something with them,” Tempest said. As if to assuage any worries that might have risen from that statement, she quickly added, “Which is unlikely, since they left two guards in the lobby. Whoever this is doesn’t seem to want to… permanently dispose of anypony.”

Twilight shuddered. She hated the idea of anypony getting hurt; especially guard ponies who were just doing their job. Tempest, on the other hoof, wasn’t acting worried at all about the fates of her coworkers. Either she didn’t like the other guards very much, or this was another part of those ‘instincts’ she’d mentioned earlier.

“So… this reliquary…” Twilight said slowly. She needed to clarify something, and really wanted to stop thinking about how cold Tempest was acting. “That’s where the princesses keep important artifacts, right?”

Tempest chuckled slightly, looking back at Twilight with a small smile. It seemed that, despite her rough behavior, Tempest was still Fizzlepop after all.

“That’s what I was told. I don’t know for certain. Only the princesses can get into the reliquary. The doors won’t even show up without alicorn magic.”

That was certainly impressive. Twilight knew about locks that needed a particular individual’s magic to unlock, but she’d never heard of doors that would only appear for a certain type of magic. Given how rare alicorns were, this seemed like a pretty solid security measure. Unless one of the princesses was coerced somehow, no thief could get into the reliquary.

Being such a fan of literature, Twilight should have known about an often-overused trope known as ‘tempting fate’. This is when a character says or thinks something, only for circumstances to nearly immediately prove them wrong. Twilight herself had experienced this phenomenon more times than she could count. And sadly, she was about to experience it again.

When Tempest and Twilight finally reached the end of the stairwell, the bottom floor was bathed in an almost golden light. There was no furniture in the room, nor any light source. The only decorations were the piles of unconscious guards strewn about on the floor haphazardly. Twilight barely noticed them, however.

The light that was pouring into the basement was coming from a pair of wide, open doors set into the wall opposite Twilight and Tempest. Beyond the doors were hundreds of crates, shelves, and podiums, all filled with various relics that Twilight couldn’t even begin to name. A large brass ball hung from the reliquary’s ceiling, casting light like a miniature sun.

Twilight looked over to Tempest, who was already trying to shake one of the guards awake. As soon as Tempest noticed Twilight was looking at her, she stopped what she was doing. Then, as if to make up for her roughness, she gave the unconscious guard a friendly pat on the shoulder.

“I thought you said the door can’t show up without alicorn magic!” Twilight said.

“I was just repeating what I was told!” Tempest said indignantly. She sounded grumpy, but Twilight could see that Tempest was as confused as she was.

Tempest looked around at the dozen or so guards lain out on the stone floor. She turned to Twilight, her eyes focused. “Get the guards out of here. I’ll deal with whoever’s broken into the reliquary.”

“What?! No!”

“Wait, why not?” Spike asked worriedly.

“This isn’t up for discussion,” Tempest said sternly. “You’re the one with the magic. You’re the one who can get the guards to safety. I dunno, teleport them or something; get creative.”

“I’m not leaving you alone to face whoever knocked out all of these guards!” Twilight hissed. “I may not have your fancy military training, commander, but my friends and I deal with threats all the time!”

“Uh… guys?” Spike said.

“Right. Right. Your precious ‘magic of friendship’.” Tempest said, clearly exhausted. “I can appreciate you have some sort of magical harmony with your friends, but ‘friendship’ isn’t the answer to every problem, Princess.”

“Guys, seriously.”

“I’m not saying it is!” Twilight snapped back. “I’m saying I have experience! Let me help you!”

“Okay, I get you guys are having a serious disagreement, but—”

“I’m not going to let you put yourself in danger to stop a petty thief.” Tempest narrowed her eyes and glared at Twilight, the magic from her horn sparking fiercely. “I can handle this on my own, Princess. Go to where it’s sa—”

Spike let out a long, loud cry of frustration and grabbed Twilight’s head, jerking it to look at the open doors to the reliquary. Tempest watched this in confusion, and then turned her own attention in that direction.

A figure stood in center of the reliquary. They stood with their back to room’s source of light, blocking obscuring themselves in shadows. Twilight couldn’t quite make out much about the figure, but they appeared to be a very tall, lanky unicorn carrying something with one of their front hooves.

The shadowy figure stood facing them silently. Slowly, it began to trot towards the doors, gradually coming more and more into view. Though shadows still obscured them, Twilight could now make out the figure’s long mane. She could also hear a metal clanking noise with every other step the figure took.

“Who are you?!” Twilight called out as she glared into the reliquary. “What is it you want?!”

The figure didn’t answer. They continued to wordlessly march ahead. Twilight could just make out the white, magical glow of their horn.

“How did you get in there?” Tempest asked. “Those doors won’t show up without alicorn magic. Entrance should be impossible.”

The figure took a few more steps forward, and then stopped. It seemed to be considering Tempest’s question. Twilight could now see that the object the figure was carrying, cradling in their foreleg, was a staff.

The Staff of Sacanas.

Twilight opened her mouth to ask what the figure wanted with the staff. She was interrupted by the sight of a large pair of wings slowly unfurling from the unicorn’s sides. The wings unfolded to their maximum length, stretching out until they were at their most visible.

“Well,” Spike said as Twilight and Tempest stared on in shock, “I guess that answers that question.”