Horseradish

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 6: The Hunt

At about the time that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were leaving Scootaloo’s hobo shack, Twilight had just entered the periphery of Ponyville, and had begun to cross into the territory of the poor mortal commoners that dwelt in her kingdom.

Spike trotted at her side, having some trouble holding all of the various supplies that were needed for the expedition.

“Twilight? Are you sure that you need all this?” he asked.

“Of course. I need several volumes on herbology to do the identification, and several more extra weighty tomes to know where to cut. There is some debate on whether you should cut the legs off first, or remove the leaves. I will need to consult them before the preparation. Oh, Spike, I’m so excited! Look at my wings!”

“I’d rather not,” said Spike, attempting to divert his eyes from Twilight’s most downy of appendages. They were, indeed, quite erect, to the point that Twilight dragged them absently across the faces of several passing commoners, causing at least three of them to sneeze.

“I even made this for the occasion!” Twilight removed a small device from her saddle bags and showed Spike.

“What is it?”

“A horseradish detector! I tuned it to detect roots of unusual thickness. Which means,” she flipped the toggle switch to turn the device on, and it started to click and blink. “Which means it actually works!” said Twilight, who actually seemed surprised by her success. “See? It’s picking up a horseradish! And it’s only releasing fifty rads a second!”

“Is that a lot?”

“For an immortal alicorn? No. Celestia’s rump releases at least twice that. Seriously, you can get a tan off that thing.” Twilight sighed. “I wish my rump could do that…”

“I think you’re rump’s pretty good.”

“Don’t make this weird, Spike,” said Twilight, checking her meter. “Ah. This way.”

She walked quickly through the town, feeling her anticipation growing and growing as she drew closer to the dot on the meter. Then she stopped in front of a building.

“The post office?” said Spike.

“That makes sense,” said Twilight.

“How does that possibly make sense?”

“Spike, it should be obvious.”

Twilight entered, and, grumbling, Spike followed her.

“Hello?” called Twilight.

There was no response- -at first. Then Twilight heard a sound coming from the room behind the counter in the otherwise empty post office.

“That’s it!” she squealed. “Spike, do you have the rope?”

“No…”

“Oh, well, you’ll have to use your hands. And try not to listen to its screams. They’re lethal.”

“Lethal?! As in we could die doing this?!”

“Oh, no, Spike,” laughed Twilight. “I’m an alicorn, I’m immortal!”

“Have you ever tested it?” asked Spike as Twilight made her way toward the back room.

“Doubting my divinity is heresy, Spike. And you know what we do with heretics. At least, I hope you do. I didn’t cover that part of Princess lessons. It probably involves whips and chains and something.” She paused. “That sounds hard, though. I’ll make Starlight do it. She likes that sort of thing, doesn’t she?”

Before Spike could answer, Twilight threw open the door and jumped into the back of the mail room. “A-HAH!” she cried, charging her magic in preparation for attacking a tuber.

There was no tuber, though. Instead, she saw Big Mac standing wide-eyed and surprised in the center of the room, dressed only in a frilly pink apron. He was leaning against a table on which a large platter had been placed, and was ladling gravy onto the wings of the gray-colored pony who had been placed there. Derpy, meanwhile, had been tied like a prepared turkey, complete with the little turkey boots and an apple stuffed in her mouth.

Twilight gasped.

“Twilight, this isn’t what it looks like,” said Big Mac. Derpy nodded in agreement and said something, although it was inaudible through the apple in her mouth.

“Big Mac!” cried Twilight, tears welling in her eyes. “I thought you only poured your gravy on MY wings!”

Before Big Mac could protest, Twilight turned around and ran from the room, sobbing. Spike watched her go, and then looked into the room. His eyes met with Big Mac’s, and then with at least one of Derpy’s.

“Well?” he said after a few long minutes. He gestured with his claw. “Continue!”

Needless to say, Derpy did not want Spike in attendance for her afternoon basting. He was thrown out of the post office with great vigor, and forced to rejoin Twilight on her quest for a rare alchemical reagent. Twilight was sitting on the curb outside, and as Spike caught up with her, he thought he saw her wipe a tear away from her face.

“Twilight? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Spike,” she sighed. “I just would rather not have seen that.”

“It wasn’t exactly pleasant, was it?” said Spike, shivering. “It makes me feel weird about myself. Because, you know, she looked so tasty.”

“And I guess I didn’t.” Twilight sighed again, and took out a thick alchemy book. She started to leaf through the pages. “Well, that’s what I get. From now on, I’m just going to focus on alchemy and magic and ignore ponies of the opposite sex. I’ll be like Gercolt of Ponia and study alchemy every day, all the time, and not bother with that sort of thing.”

“Um…what exactly gave you that impression? Because I think you mistranslated some pieces- -”

“I don’t mistranslate, Spike,” snapped Twilight. “I assure you, I am QUITE fluent in Ponish. ‘W ananasie sześć kotów w pudełku mleka śledziony’. HA! See?”

“If you say so...”

“I DO say so.” She took out her horseradish detector and glared at it.

“Why did it detect Big Mac, though?”

“It’s because it detects a certain type of merged plant/pony DNA. Big Mac’s heritage must have interfered with it.”

“Heritage?”

“Yeah. You know, because his bloodline has crossed with apple trees several times.”

“Apple trees- -how- -what- -how is that even possible?”

Twilight sighed. “Well, Spike, when a mare and an apple tree love each other very much- -”

“On second thought I don’t want to know!” cried Spike, covering where he was pretty sure he had ears. It was too late, though, and strange images of Granny Smith filled his mind. He would likely never sleep again.

“Oh, well, suffice it to say there are bees involved. But yeah. All this thing does is pick up the Apple family. See?” She held it out for Spike. “See that dim dot over near the Ponyville auxiliary playground? That’s probably Applebloom. And that ultra-bright one near her, the one that’s nearly burning out the machine? I’m sure that’s just Applejack.” Twilight sighed and threw the device over her shoulder, beaming a passing pony right in the horn. Poor Lyra collapsed on the ground, unconscious, but nopony cared.

“Well,” said Spike, “I saw the horseradish with Applebloom before. Could she know where it is now?”

“No, of course not,” laughed Twilight. “Spike, don’t be ignorant. All of the accounts I have read have indicated that horseradish is TERRIFIED of ponies. If the Crusaders managed to capture one, it’s escaped now, guaranteed.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Books don’t lie, Spike. It’s impossible that they could have any idea where it is. It’s a simple, indisputable fact.”

“But- -”

“INDISPUTABLE, Spike!”

“Alright, alright!”

Twilight sighed once again. “But that means we don’t have any leads. I was sure my detector would work! And I don’t have a horseradish detecting spell…”

“Then we have to do this the old fashioned way,” said Spike.

“Old fashioned?” Twilight looked confused. “There’s an old fashioned way to hunt horseradish?”

“Trust me,” said Spike. “Trust me. I know a pony.”

A bell rang as Spike opened the door and led Twilight into the Ponyville town florist.

“Spike, why are we here?” asked Twilight, clearly incredulous to Spike’s plan. “We don’t need flowers.”

“You can always use flowers,” said Lilly Valley, appearing directly next to Twilight.

“GAH!” cried Twilight, her wings instinctively flapping violently and pulling her upward in fright. She bumped off the ceiling and a wall before crashing into the floor. Spike and Lilly Valley just watched, and then turned to each other.

“Spike!” said Lily. “It’s so good to see you! Will it be the usual today?”

“You have a usual?” said Twilight, attempting to stand and finding herself rather glad that her momentary escapade had not inadvertently bent the stem of a zinnia.

“A dozen white roses with three foal’s-breath plumes and three fern leaves on the frame. Always sent to Canterlot Boutique. A beautiful bouquet, if I do say so myself.”

“Actually, I was looking for something a little bit different today.”

“Oh! Well, we certainly have ‘different’! We just got some foxglove. Or if you’re feeling REALLY crazy, maybe some- -” She looked from side to side, “Some…lupines? Or some snapdragons, perhaps?”

“Actually, I was looking for a gift. Something for a very fluffy pony.”

Something in Lilly’s expression hardened. “A fluffy pony, you say?” Her voice was as high and cheerful as ever, but at the same time it had just subtly changed. “May I ask what color?”

“Green.”

Lilly was silent for a long moment, and she stared at Twilight, apparently considering something. Then she started walking. “I have just what you need. Right this way.”

Spike followed, and Twilight joined him.

“Spike,” said Twilight, leaning down near his head. “We don’t have time for this!”

“Shh,” said Spike. “You trust me, right? I know what I’m doing. But try to leave the talking to me, and don’t freak out. If you do, our funerals will have REALLY nice flowers!”

Twilight did not know what that meant, but she did trust Spike- -although usually only with small, unimportant things. She followed him and Lilly into the back room of the shop.

Immediately she was struck by a powerful scent not just of flowers but of various types of leaves and herbs. Twilight blinked at the light of hundreds of magically powered tube lights sitting over boxes and cages of various horticultural specimens.

“Right,” said Lilly, her tone now completely different as she turned around to face them. “Plants for our ‘special’ customers.” She smiled. “Let’s see. What are you looking for? I’ve got this.” She tapped on a large glass container containing a plant that resembled a mass of vines. It shifted violently, its tendrils snapping toward her hoof.

“That’s- -that’s a devils snare!” blurted Twilight. “That’s a class six restricted plant!”

“Yes, but you can import them with a permit.”

“Oh. I didn’t know you had a permit.”

Lilly’s face scrunched, but she continued. Before Spike could interrupt her, she quickly passed to where a small greenish plant with a red, mouth-like flower was growing from a clay pot. It was only a few inches small, and it writhed and turned as she picked up the pot. “Or how about a baby echinops?” she said. “You just wouldn’t believe what we had to do to the soil to get it to grow. For you, twenty five thousand.”

“That’s neat,” said Spike, keeping his cool as he spoke. “But not what we’re looking for.”

“Well how about this?” she gestured behind her where Daisy was standing, almost completely overgrown by a series of thin yellow tendrils coming from a plant that she was attempting to repot. “Genuine slaughter dodder!”

“Wait,” said Daisy. “What is this plant called? And why do I feel so…faint…”

She immediately collapsed, and Lilly sighed. “Rose!” she called. Across the way, Rose looked up. She was completely covered in a hazard suit with a respirator mask, apparently propagating plants that closely resembled cabbages with long striped tails and curious little faces that looked up at her. “Put the skunk cabbage on hold for now. Get that stuff off her before she desiccates!”

“Hudduh hudduh hudduh,” replied Rose, reaching for a shovel.

“We have skunk cabbage too,” said Lilly. “And walking onions. And that one bush that bursts into flames when you look at it. Catnip, dragonroot, six kinds of locoweed. If you need it, El Spiko, we’ve got it. If you’ve got the coin.”

“I’m looking for a horseradish.”

The entire room fell silent. Both Rose and Lilly’s eyes grew wide, and even Daisy- -despite being mostly sucked dry by the vampire dodder attached to her- -sat bolt upright.

“What is this?” said Lilly, taking a step back and looking nervously between Spike and Twilight. “What are you? Are you - -are you some kind of NARC?”

“No,” said Spike calmly. “But word on the street is one has been spotted around here.”

“It hasn’t,” said Lilly, still sounding extremely nervous. She looked over her shoulder at Rose. “We don’t deal with that sort of thing, Spike. You know that. We’re florists. We’re in it for the cash and the stallion flank. We’re not suicidal!”

“Then you haven’t heard about one?” asked Twilight, feeling that Spike’s lead was turning out to be a waste of time, and also feeling a little freaked out that the florists were running some kind of bizarre illegal plant ring out of the back of their shop. She felt even more freaked out, though, that they apparently knew Spike as “El Spiko”.

“No. Because you CAN’T hear about one. There can’t be one.”

“Why not?”

“Because they were hunted to extinction over two hundred years ago! There are none left, none at all! And let me tell you, I’m GLAD they’re gone. The Lily clan has stories about them, and how they are evil sons of vetches. They hate ponies, and their scream is deadly. There were entire wars fought by them. Back in the day, they were one of the WORST enemies of ponykind.”

“Well, Spike saw one just- -”

Spike elbowed Twilight in the leg. “What she means is, she’s researching them. And we thought that you might know about them. Or have a dry sample?”

Lilly shook her head. “Like I said. I don’t deal in that bunk. No one in the Organization does, either. I can guarantee that.”

Spike stared at her for a moment, but Lilly did not relent. Spike eventually sighed.

“Thanks, Lilly,” he said. “I’ll take my regular order this week, after all.”

“I’ll put it on your tab,” responded Lilly with an oddly dark tone.

“Come on, Twilight.”

Spike and Twilight turned to leave.

“Wait,” said Rose, pulling off her mask. “Horseradish may not be a thing anymore, but the way the Rose Clan used to hunt them was with dogs. They have a really pungent odor. That’s how you could track one, if they weren’t all dead.”

“Thanks,” said Spike. “Twilight will be sure to include that in her report.”

They then left the back room, although Twilight quickly ran back in and pointed at the echinops. “I’ll take ten of those,” she said.

“Twilight!” called Spike.

“Have them boxed and sent to me. I’ll send Derpy once she washes off Big Mac’s gravy.”

“Wait, Big Mac? He told me he only liked earth-ponies!”

“He told me the same thing!” said Rose. “He even covered me in applesauce- -”

“Me too!” wheezed Daisy. “I smelled like nutmeg for a week!”

They all looked at each other. “Rose,” said Lilly. “Box some of the slaughter dodder. It look’s like we’ll be sending a free sample today.”

Comments

[Skulljack17]

Man, that remark about Celestia's flanks hit quick and hard. This innuendo is top tier I must say.