PonyConned

by Green Akers

Vs. Twilight Sparkle

About an hour later...

As he stood in front of his new stove in the new kitchen of his new home, Lucky took a moment to marvel at his good fortune. Not only had the boss given him his very first job, but the Diamond Dog's resulting score had been the biggest haul in the gang's history, and even included an awesome hideout! If this wasn't the greatest day of his life, it was certainly in the top five.

"Come on, bone breath!" a gruff voice yelled from another room. "Make with the cooking already!"

"Sorry, boss!" Lucky started rifling through the cabinets nearby, grabbing everything that looked even remotely edible and tossing it all into a pot of water. After collecting enough ingredients, he turned the stove burner on full power, mindful of how much the boss hated waiting for dinner. He spent the next few minutes watching his stew boil and poking at various items in the stew with a fork, then decided that it was done enough for the group's purposes and left to spread the good news.

Lucky found his griffon and stallion partners biding time in the next room. The griffon sat on a nearby couch scratching at a few gems with her claws, while the stallion sat on the floor letting a pile of bits run through his hooves. "Foxy! Helga!" Lucky shouted. "The soup's ready!"

In an instant, the stallion was off of the floor and nose-to-nose with Lucky. "It's 'Silver Fox,' you flea-ridden fathead!" he shouted. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, never call me Foxy!"

Lucky cowered under Silver Fox's glare. "S-s-sorry, boss."

Silver Fox stared angrily at Lucky for an extra few seconds. "I'll let it go this time since I'm such an understanding pony," he finally said, "but don't let it happen again." He turned his back to Lucky and went back to his bits. "Now go back and keep an eye on the stove! We don't want this place to end up like our last hideout."

"Oops! The stove!" Lucky turned and scurried back into the kitchen.

"Dumb dog," Silver Fox grumbled. "I ought to make him sleep outside with the rest of the rodents around here."

Helga rolled her eyes. "Give it a rest, would you? You should be happy—no one ever calls me foxy."

"Gosh, I can't imagine why," Silver Fox muttered sarcastically. "What are you doing, anyway? Playing with your stupid rocks again?"

"Hey, these 'rocks' made you a thousand bits today!" Helga took two of the gems she had been carving and pressed them together, their contours fitting together perfectly. "You heard that fashion pony today. She called my sash kaleidoscopic!"

"Your sash?" Silver Fox shot back. "Don't forget, it was my magic that fused those stones together!"

"Yeah, but it was my artistic vision. You just did the grunt work." Helga yawned, stretched, and cast a weary glance back at Silver Fox. "So how long are we gonna stay here, anyway?"

"I dunno," Silver Fox said. "Two, maybe three months."

"Months?" Helga nearly fell off of the couch in surprise. "But you always say—"

"'If you stay three weeks or more, you'll be behind a jailhouse door,' yes, I know," Silver Fox interrupted. "But that's only if you're dealing with normal, intelligent ponies, not dim bulbs like the yokels around here." He laughed and dumped a pile of bits over his head. "This town's got more suckers than a lollipop factory!"

"No argument here," Helga said. "When Lucky can get some dumb pony to fork over her house, you know you're in the right place."

"Precisely!" Silver Fox said. "We'll make a fortune in no time!"

Suddenly, a loud knocking at the door brought both Helga and Silver Fox to an upright position in a hurry. "Blast it all!" Silver Fox cursed as he grabbed a nearby sack and started shoveling the money on the floor into it. "Go see who's at the door, and get rid of them!"

"Right." Helga hurried over to a window next to the front door, pushing a large bureau out of the way and peeling back the curtain to get a look at their visitor. "Holy flying feather!" she screeched, turning and racing back to where the stallion was picking up bits. "The jig's up!" she shouted. "It's that new princess pony chick, and she's brought an army with her!"

"What?!" Silver Fox dropped his bag and hurried over to the front window to see for himself. Sure enough, Twilight Sparkle was standing at the door in full princess regalia, surrounded by six other ponies covered in armor from head to hindquarters whose faces were hidden by their helmets.

"What are we gonna do?" Helga whimpered.

"We're going to stay calm!" Silver Fox whispered. "For one thing, these dolts don't know that anypony's home!"

"Hi there!" The two con artists turned to see Twilight waving at them through the window. "Can I come in?" Twilight asked.

"...Okay, maybe they do," Silver Fox said. "But we're innocent until proven guilty, and they don't have a shred of evidence against us!" He shoved Helga away from the window. "Now go hide the loot while I distract them!"

As Helga scurried away, Silver Fox took a deep breath, put on his biggest smile, and opened the door. "Why, Princess Twilight! What a pleasant surprise!" He bowed to the princess. "I am honored to stand in your presence."

"Thank you, sir." Twilight returned Silver Fox's bow. "Do you have a moment? I would like to talk with you about an important matter."

"Of course, princess." Silver Fox stepped outside, making sure to close the front door behind him.

Twilight leaned in close to Silver Fox. "Well, as you have probably heard," she whispered, "since my coronation, I have been given many responsibilities pertaining to the governance of Equestria, and have received a large tract of land to rule as my own."

"Er, have you now?" Silver Fox said. "I, uh, had not heard anything about this."

"Of course you haven't," Twilight said, her smile fading to a scowl. "You know why? Because I haven't gotten anything yet!" She stomped a hoof on the ground in frustration. "Here I am, a fully-coronated princess, the rightful heir to the throne of Equestria, confined to a pithy little backwater town and left to rule over a pile of dusty old books and letters while those two haggard old crones in Canterlot laugh at the world while sitting on my throne!"

One of the armored ponies stepped forward. "Sire, please! Hold your tongue!" the pony cautioned, their eyes locked firmly on Silver Fox. "We do not know about this one."

"But it's just not fair!" Twilight pouted. "You don't think it's fair, do you, sir?"

"Well, uh... No! Not at all!" Silver Fox stammered. "Why, this is an outright disgrace, a travesty of the highest order!"

Twilight smiled. "I knew I could trust you," she said. "That is why I came here to ask for your assistance."

"My assistance?" Silver Fox scratched his head as he looked at Twilight. "What do you mean?"

Twilight swept one of her hooves towards the five armored ponies that remained behind her. "I am raising an army against the tyrants Celestia and Luna," she said. "When the time is right, we shall march on Canterlot, and take by force the title that is rightfully mine!"

"An army?" Silver Fox arched an eyebrow at Twilight. "Er, pardon my ignorance, princess, but are you sure that will be enough? The stories that I've heard about the power of the Royal Sisters—"

"Are all true," Twilight admitted. "That is why I have made an alliance with the Zebra Nation, so that together we can create powerful enough magic to bring even Celestia to her knees."

The armored pony next to Twilight removed her helmet to reveal that she was not actually a pony at all, but a zebra. "Our rulers know a magic spell," the zebra said, "to send those sisters straight to—"

"Well then!" Silver Fox interrupted. "It certainly looks like you've got all your bases covered, milady! But I still don't understand what you need with me."

"The zebras must appeal to their elder spirits for the power we need," Twilight explained. "To do that, they must give the spirits an offering equivalent to the favor they are asked."

The zebra at Twilight's side nodded. "We must appeal to the powers that be, powers that do not work for free."

"Okay..." Silver Fox eyed the zebra warily. "So the bottom line is you need cash."

"Yes," Twilight said. "My own funds are managed and tracked by the princesses in Canterlot, so we are forced to ask for under-the-table donations from like-minded individuals such as yourself."

"I see." An impish grin spread across Silver Fox's face as the wheels turned in his mind. "I must admit my trepidation with your offer, your Highness. Taking on the Royal Sisters is a risky proposition, and should your movement fail, I doubt Celestia would look fondly upon its backers. Perhaps if there were something you could offer in return for my help..."

"Of course," Twilight said. "If our plan succeeds, we would certainly reimburse anything you could give us, and much more, from the castle's private treasury."

"Private treasury?" Silver Fox's ears perked up.

"Oh yes," Twilight said with a smile. "The catacombs underneath Canterlot Castle are filled with riches as far as the eye can see, and believe me, I've seen them. Celestia once told me that she thought there were several billion bits down there."

Silver Fox's eyes popped wide open, and his jaw dropped to the ground. "B-b-billions? You mean, like, with a b?"

Twilight nodded. "Help me take the crown, and you'll be handsomely rewarded for your trouble."

Silver Fox jumped up and saluted Twilight. "Princess Twilight, you have my full and unfettered cooperation!" he said. "Please excuse me for a moment while I break the news to my colleagues—trust me, they feel the same way as I do."

"Thank you, kind sir." Twilight bowed as Silver Fox scurried back into the house.

A few of the armored ponies behind Twilight began to giggle. "Stay in character!" Twilight whispered. "We're almost there!"

After a few minutes, Silver Fox, Helga, and Lucky emerged from the house holding large bags of bits.

"Here it is!" Silver Fox dropped his bags at Twilight's hooves. "Why, I'll bet there's almost five thousand bits here!"

"We're totally on board with you, Princess Twilight!" Helga gushed. "We, uh, never liked those other princesses anyway!"

Lucky placed the cottage deed on top of the bits at Twilight's hooves. "You can have the house, and everything in it too!" he said. "Anything to help Princess Twilight!"

Twilight bowed her head to the scam artists. "Thank you all," she said politely. "Such generosity will not go unrewarded." She turned to the armored ponies behind her. "These poor citizens have no place to stay. Please, take them to our headquarters and see to it that they are taken care of."

"Yes, ma'am!" the armored ponies shouted in unison.

One of the armored ponies stepped forward and gestured for the con artists to follow them. As the scammers happily complied, the armored pony winked at Twilight. "I reckon we can find some room for these here kindhearted souls," she said. "In fact, I'm thinkin' a few of those rooms in the basement of City Hall would work just fine."

"My sentiments exactly." Twilight forced a smile and waved at the con artists as they were taken away. "Those crooks will find out once and for all that crime doesn't pay."

Comments

[Glowing Ember]

[Sergeant Sprinkles]

This made me laugh, and could easily be adaptated into an episode. Great job.

[Tired Old Man]

Hi there! I’m Tired Old Man, but you can call me Tom.

I’m your designated WRITE reviewer, and it’s my job to point out any notable flaws in your story, and make suggestions and improvements as I see fit to address.

PonyConned, as of this review, stands at roughly 8,500 words in five chapters. Since this story is unfinished, I’ll be expecting some rock-solid plot development (as far as I can determine), stable characterization, and some sturdy mechanics as well.

I’ll start off with some mechanics. There’s… surprisingly very little to cover here. For the most part, this story is actually very clean and well-written… except for these little things.

"Aha! Here it is!" Twilight Sparkle proclaimed, using her magic to levitate a dusty, purple-covered tome from a bookshelf. "'Jewels, Gems, and Other Sparkly Rocks.' Just what I was looking for!"

I’m reading this as the tome is covered in something purple, probably a book cover, and that purple isn’t the actual color of the tome’s cover. That’s what “covered” conveys here, so if you were going for just a ‘purple tome’, then state as much. Simple is usually best.

"YAY! CUTIE MARK CRUSADER WEALTHY JETSETTERS!" the three fillies sang as they exchanged a high-hoof.

Just about every time I’ve seen the CMC shouting something, ‘YAY’ is actually the last thing I hear, not the first. Not saying this isn’t impossible, but just very… very odd.

Twilight turned and made her way back to the main room of her library with the book. The purple alicorn had planned to spend the day digging deeper into her magical studies, but she enjoyed the feeling of satisfying an inquisitive mind—even if it wasn't her own—and didn't mind the distraction. Today's request, however, came from an unusual source: her friend Rarity, who never checked anything out of the library save for the occasional book on historical fashion.

That bolded segment should be a new paragraph since it’s discussing a relatively different idea from the previous statements. Prior to that, helping ponies in general was being discussed, and now it’s filtered down into something more specific than that. It would benefit from a paragraph break in this instance.

Separation of ideas like this is important to keep a smooth and simple story flow to follow. Mash it all together and it’ll become needlessly complex in a heartbeat.

Oh, and I believe you mentioned in your request some concern about overused dialog tags. To be fair, I’m seeing quite a lot of variance in the speaking tags overall, so this initially isn’t a problem.

I say ‘initially’ because as I read the story, I found very sparse use of simple speaking tags like ‘said’ or ‘asked’. You’re avoiding them like I avoid Maud on a bad day… and that’s a bad thing.

Simply put, there’s nothing wrong with seeing a lot of simple speech tags like those, whereas underuse bogs down conversation thanks to all the ‘unique’ speaking tags you use. Conversations tend to be quick and dirty (unless you use action tags to spice things up a bit in variance), and generally when readers see simple tags like ‘said’ or ‘asked’, it’s processed quickly and easily.

Variance is actually used less often than you think when it comes to speaking this way, and most communication is generally conveyed with actions accompanying the speech tag. Or the action itself is present but the speech tag isn’t, which is known as an action tag.

Anyway, when using speech tags, in general about 80-90% of the time they should be ‘said’ or ‘asked’, or even no tags at all if we happen to know who’s saying what in the conversation.

You also mentioned repetition of certain phrases as an issue.

Well, I did find one right in the first chapter. Only one I found, actually.

"What is it, Applejack?" Twilight asked the orange pony. "Are the parasprites back? Did the barn fall in again? Are the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying to get their cutie marks in tightrope walking again?"

Keep that first bold phrase in mind for later.

The other one is bothersome for two reasons:

1. It’s repetitive considering the first ‘again’ used one sentence earlier.

2. Since when have the Crusaders done an activity again when trying to discover their cutie marks? Regardless of success or failure of their activity (leaning towards failure), they always check their flanks. If nothing shows up, they pout, move on to the next activity, and don’t second-guess this decision, and certainly don’t double back and try a previous activity again.

Not to rule it out as an impossibility, but it just struck me as highly unusual.

In fact, there’s a few little things like this that show up in your story that stood out to me as oddities, which brings me to my favorite segment:

Tropes, Logic, and Consistency (TLC for short).

In terms of tropes, there’s a rather nasty little problem that shows up early on and beat on my chiseled surface until I felt an earthquake in my head.

The purple alicorn had planned to spend the day digging deeper into her magical studies, but she enjoyed the feeling of satisfying an inquisitive mind—even if it wasn't her own—and didn't mind the distraction.

"And I am most grateful that you do," the white-coated unicorn standing nearby said.

Suddenly, the sound of a pony shouting could be heard outside the library, and an orange pony sporting a brown cowboy hat on her head and a trio of apples on her flank burst into the room. "Twilight! Rarity!" the pony sputtered. "Have either of y'all seen the mayor around? We got trouble out at the farm!"

"What is it, Applejack?" Twilight asked the orange pony. "Are the parasprites back? Did the barn fall in again? Are the Cutie Mark Crusaders trying to get their cutie marks in tightrope walking again?"

Twilight opened her mouth to respond, but was interrupted by the sound of her front door being flung open and a drum roll of hooves heading in her direction. Within seconds, the unicorns found themselves face-to-face with three small fillies, each sporting the biggest grin they could muster. "TWILIGHT!" the fillies shouted in unison. "GUESS WHAT?"

Twilight again tried to reply, but Rarity beat her to the punch. "Sweetie Belle!" Rarity scolded the white-coated unicorn filly in the middle of the trio. "A lady does not barge into somepony's home like a bull and use their outdoor voice to address the occupant!"

"I'm sorry, sis," the unicorn filly replied, "but I'm just so excited!"

"We can't help it!" the yellow, bow-wearing earth pony next to Sweetie Belle added. "We're rich!"

"Or at least Apple Bloom is!" The orange pegasus filly of the bunch pointed a hoof at the yellow filly as she spoke.

"Well, technically Applejack is rich," the yellow pony corrected herself, "but I'd bet she'd be glad to share!"

"Oh, she doesn't know yet!" the orange pegasus explained. "She wasn't home when we got the news."

"Think of all the things you could do with one million bits!" the orange filly dreamed. "You could retire to a beachside mansion!"

"A sweepstakes, huh?" Twilight scratched her chin with her hoof, certain that she smelled a rat somewhere. "If you could," she asked the fillies, "could you tell me exactly how you found out about this sweepstakes?"

If you haven’t heard of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (shorted to LUS) before, let me give you a quick rundown of what this is.

You see these general descriptors you have here to refer to the ponies in your story? LUS is the needless use of these descriptors when one can quickly and easily refer to said characters using names or pronouns.

This is FimFiction. Generally anyone who comes on here to read a story obviously knows about MLP:FiM and its many colorful characters; the most known in the series are the mane six, the Crusaders, Tia, Luna, etc etc. And many readers will probably have an eidetic memory of such ponies the second you mention their names.

So when you talk about Twilight, and then call her a purple alicorn just a moment later for this first use of LUS, this is redundant because most of us already know that she’s an alicorn. If we didn’t catch that from the Alicorn Twi tag you had on this story, then that’s clarified right in your last chapter anyway. Either way, referring to her as an alicorn now doesn’t add a single bit of relevant information at this point in your story.

The same problem occurs with every highlighted descriptor I noted, and this is all from your first chapter alone. There’s no need to call Rarity a “white unicorn” or Applejack “the orange mare”. We know who they are the second you say their name, so generalizing them afterward is very much pointless.

Although in the case of Applejack, you do have a long general descriptor describing her before actually saying her name. Also a no-no. You could have easily conveyed all that information just from saying her name first.

Technically, you could shorten it to “an orange mare” instead and then immediately clarify it’s AJ afterward, and refer to her using pronouns, or her name from then on throughout your conversation, and it would be fine. Why? Well, I’d like to address something else to show that.

When you mention the three fillies bursting into the room, that sort of general descriptor is actually fine. You’re bringing quite a few new characters into the scene at that point, so generalizing them that much is okay.

However, the second you mention Sweetie Belle with Rarity’s exclamation, I know the three fillies are the Crusaders immediately (and have very little reason to think otherwise). There’s no need to refer to “the orange filly” or “the yellow filly with a red bow-tie” as Scoot or Apple Bloom because, I repeat, I know who the Crusaders are.

This continues to persist (albeit with much less frequency) all the way up to your fourth chapter. The fifth chapter is a bit different because you haven’t named your white stallion or griffon yet, so seeing those general descriptors for them throughout the story are mostly okay. But since you’ve established the stallion is male and the griffon female, it’s a bit jarring to not see ‘he’ or ‘she’ pronouns for them showing up more often. The same goes for the Diamond Dog prior to his naming in the fourth chapter, who is also male.

Long story short, don’t be afraid to use pronouns or names in place of these descriptors. In fact, ideally names and pronouns should be outnumbering these general descriptors to the point where one should rarely see them outside of them being used to introduce characters, refer to one-off ponies in a crowd of some kind, or to establish some sort of uncertainty in proper identification in, say, a dark cave or something.

Now, you should have noticed that I marked one of them differently from the rest. The one that’s italicized when the Crusaders burst into the room. Normally under the circumstances of Twilight being a unicorn, that term would work just fine… except she isn’t a unicorn. She’s an alicorn. Wings are a pretty notable difference, so calling them both “unicorns” doesn’t make any sense in context. Something like “she and Rarity” would be a more suitable replacement.

That’s just one of many odd inconsistencies I found, so I think it’s time I assess those and a bit of logic in this, hm?

"Twilight! Rarity!" the pony sputtered. "Have either of y'all seen the mayor around? We got trouble out at the farm!"

She stomped her hoof in frustration. "I didn't know what else to do, so I was tryin' to find the Mayor so I could report the crime."

Twilight glanced up at a clock hanging on the wall, which read ten minutes past three o'clock. "The mayor usually goes for a walk in the park right about now," she offered. "If you hurry, you might catch her before she leaves her office."

Applejack sighed, and took a deep breath to steady her nerves. "I guess I'd better mosey on over there, pronto. Thanks for the help, Twilight."

Those lines established that AJ already looked for Mayor Mare, and probably couldn’t find her at her usual locations (being her home and her office, or somehow she didn’t know where to find the mayor--which is highly unlikely), so when Twilight suggests visiting her office before she goes for a walk out in the park, AJ should have stated that she’s been there already and didn’t see her, but hadn’t checked the park yet and thanks Twi for the new location before heading out. Otherwise, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

Chapter 3:

"Oh, Rarity!" Twilight put her head in her hooves once more. "Neighgerian royalty rackets are the oldest trick in the book!"

Chapter 1:

"And I am most grateful that you do," the white-coated unicorn standing nearby said. "I'm expecting a shipment of exotic gemstones from Neighgeria quite soon, and I'd like an idea of what's coming so I can plan my upcoming summer collection."

"That sounds interesting," Twilight offered. "Now then, let's get you checked out—"

Correct me if I’m wrong on this, but if Twilight is so knowledgeable on the Neighgerian scam, then why didn’t this catch her attention, say, around chapter two when the Crusaders finished their tale and she realized that there were conponies in Ponyville? AJ didn’t interrupt this conversation until Twilight started checking Rarity’s book out, so either Twilight tuned Rarity out for some reason unknown to me, or you’ve got a hole to fill.

Something else bothers me regarding Rarity’s oogling of the shiny dress the griffon wore in chapter 3. Twilight mentioned that there’s a basic unicorn spell to make things appear very shiny.

Given Rarity’s high stance and standards in fashion, wouldn’t she know of this spell? It’s already established that she has a gem-finding spell, so wouldn’t a shiny spell like this make her dresses seem much more extravaga--

I take that back. She turned herself into a mobile disco ball, but I digress.

For a pony so highly invested in fashion and beauty, I find it doubtful she wouldn’t know of the spell unless she’s some kind of fashion purist, in which case she should be able to tell when such a shiny spell is used. She can tell the difference between a regular brooch and a vintage one that look exactly the same to me, which at the very least proves that she has a discerning eye for quality.

...or perhaps she just got so distracted by the dress that she promptly forgot all common sense in favor of SHINIES. I don’t remember her ever doing something like that, though…

Except when she carried me around, but that’s beside the point. She had a few bits loose in her head then.

And in that same chapter… did you forget about the Crusaders? You never mention them beyond the chapter where they finished their story, nor did you give them a proper exit line, so… did they just hang around the library quietly and listen to Rarity and Rainbow Dash(!) tell their stories to Twilight? I seriously question their existence once RD comes in because of Scoot not saying a thing in recognizing her idol appearing!

Huff… huff… I think I’ll go ahead and address a bit of characterization now.

"Robbed? Oh my!" Rarity's jaw hit the floor at the revelation, and she brought her hoof to her forehead and assumed a dramatic pose. "Of all the things that could happen, this is The. Worst. Possible. Thing! Who on earth would commit such a horrid act?"

*sigh* Look, I get that Rarity is melodramatic and over-the-top in her reactions sometimes (okay, about 75% of the time), but this feels a bit… much. She’s only ever acted this way whenever a bad event happens that directly involves her, not one of her friends. I actually expected this sort of drama to come out when she realized that SHE was scammed as well, not when AJ’s cellar was robbed and ransacked.

It’s important to know when a character acts like themselves. Sure, Rarity is well-known for her drama, but it’s either focused directly on her alone or her and somepony else having some form of conflict. It’s not reserved for others so outwardly like this, so when it just came out like that, it was… baffling, to say the least.

And speaking of baffling…

"I left her bawling in her milkshake over at Sugarcube Corner," Rainbow replied.

With how callous RD stated this, I’m having doubts about her Element of Loyalty. Granted, it’s blunt, but it sounds so apathetic to Fluttershy’s situation… and this is coming from a pony known to stick up for her friends and be there for them when they need it. There’s not a single trace of sympathy in this line, which is absolutely stunning… and in a mortifying way. RD has only spoken four lines, and this last one left a bad taste in my mouth regarding her character.

Now, upon thought, it is implied that someone bought that shake for her (given that she gave away everything she had), but since RD doesn't state that she paid for it, this still sounds very apathetic coming from her.

Characterization of the other ponies are fine enough as is. Twilight showed her natural concern for her friends and the Crusaders, Rarity chided her sister, and outside of the OOC melodramatic episode, she acted her regular ol’ generous self. Fluttershy turned her home into an open house sale to scrounge up funds to pay for her friend’s med costs… pretty extreme, but not out of the norm for her. And Applejack, however brief, definitely showed the natural panic one would expect from losing a thousand bits and a small lake of cider in a day.

Now, how about the villains? Well, besides not giving any of them names besides the “Lucky” Diamond Dog, you establish their intelligence, longevity of crime life, AND… no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Well, at least for the pony and griffon.

Lucky felt bad after seeing Flutter’s sad face… although that quickly faded after seeing the necklace, but then it came back with her offering her house deed. That at least showed a bit of internal conflict within him, especially given how the white stallion treats him.

Honestly, given that you’ve granted him the boon of a name and showed a few redeeming qualities within, you’ve definitely made Lucky a stand-out character. The other two… they’re currently cardboard cut-outs with a voicebox attached that only has a single evil laugh track.

I don’t know what you plan on doing with the stallion and griffin, but they need some depth. So far all I’ve seen them do is be evil, conniving crooks, and I’ve seen little reason to think of them as any more than that. Villainous they may be, interesting they are not.

Good villains normally come in two flavors: You see them and they have some depth and personality to them that justifies their actions or gives us some form or reason to understand their villainy. Or you don’t see them, but see the effects of the actions they take only make us question their motives and lend to them a mystery we may never get to see the answer to.

You may want to reassess what you want to do with your trio of cons in light of these facts, or at the very least reconsider what you’re going to do with the pony and griffon, because right now they’re about as flat and tasteless as a day-old opened can of club soda.

Alright, I believe it’s time for a recap:

Mechanics

This is mostly solid work here, safe for the extreme avoidance of simple speech tags. “Said” and “asked” are not your foes; they’re your friends that you should hang out with often.

Just not too often. You should have a bit of variance with other speech tags (and even more with action tags), but don’t go overboard with unique speech tags.

TLC

1. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Your first chapter is bogged down heavily because of this, and despite the lowered frequency in your later chapters, it still presents a problem that’s very difficult to ignore.

2. Logic and Consistency: You’ve got a few holes in this story that are very difficult to gloss over, most notably the sudden unacknowledgement of the Crusaders’ presence, and Rarity and Twilight’s inattention to detail regarding a shiny spell and Neighgerian scam respectively.

Characterization

Rarity’s a bit over-the-top, RD is too apathetic to Flutter's situation, and two of your villains are flat and uninteresting. Reassess your characterization of Rarity and RD, and give the other two villains some depth (and probably names too), given their notable presence in the story.

Final Thoughts

This story is still a young sapling. It can grow into something big and strong indeed, but you should clean up the dirt a bit by removing all the LUS, sorting out your characterization, and fixing a few holes you've left open in your story. Do this, and I expect your tale to be as strong as one of Applejack's apple trees in time.

And that’s it for this review! If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to drop me a PM. Don’t hesitate to ask.

Until then, this isTom, WRITE's Delusional Diamond, rolling out.