Going insane

by Pony

Chapter 1

I woke up in a patch of soft grass, well I wouldn’t call it soft; it was dry and had an incredible amount of pointy sticks jabbing into my back and head. I sat up and winced in pain from my uncomfortable muscles finally being used mixed with the pain from the sticks removing themselves from my skin. I looked around at my surrounding and saw I was inside a dark dungeon, ruined by years of moss and decay. I looked behind me and my eyes went wide in shock as I saw large amounts of blood plastered against the stone. I saw limbs hanging from the roof, I tried to scream but I was too shocked to even move, let alone say anything. I stared at the horror before me, my mouth agape. I stumbled backwards against a cold metal surface, I spun around a saw a door. I rushed out and took a deep breath to get rid of the smell that was behind me. I turned to look at the building; it was small, about twice the size of an outhouse. I took a step back in shock as I saw something inscribed onto the wall. I shook my head and blinked a few times as I read it over and over again. I began to feel light-headed, I turned to run, but something kept me still, my legs unable to move as I constantly read and read and read...

It said Alex Mertlock.

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I suddenly shot up from my sleep. I kept having the same nightmare over and over again. It’s never changed for 3 years. I guess I should tell you about myself. My name is Alex Mertlock, I’m sixteen years old, I’m 6’4, which is quite tall, I’m aware of; I live in Victoria, Australia; but I came over here from Ireland when I was eleven. I have dark brown hair and I’m quite thin, but not weak or unfit. Some people say I have hollow eyes, but I don’t think they’re that hollow, I have high cheekbones and a thin face. One more thing, I’m an avid viewer of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. The main reason I watch it is because it takes my mind off the violence and hate that surrounds me.

I got out of bed and started to get dressed. My life wasn’t that amazing, nor was it that good. My dad died when I was 4 and my mum has been taking care of me ever since, but I hardly ever see her these days, and she never tells me where she goes. I sighed and picked up my iPod and pack of cigarettes, yes, I’m aware that smoking is bad at such a young age, but it certainly relieved a lot of stress. After getting dress, I headed downstairs to get something to eat. I scratched my head, wondering what to have; I then opened the fridge to see if there’s anything tasty, I picked up a carton of juice and take a swig of it, then I shut the fridge door and went over to the pantry to grab a packet of chips. After I finished eating my reasonably unhealthy breakfast, I open the door to go outside. I took a step outside and looked around; it looks more different than usual; buildings that weren’t there yesterday, trees that I never remembered being there before, the run down warehouse down the street is gone. I shrugged and started my walk, staring at the new scenery. I sighed in frustration, I was quite a lazy person and only be bothered doing something if it were important or urgent. As I was walking I tripped, distracted by my music and the different surroundings; the last thing I saw was the ground rushing towards my face before I got knocked out.

I woke up laying on the hard concrete ground. My vision was blurry and I blinked a few times. I waved a hand in front of my face, but all I saw was a olive green blob. I frowned and stared at the blob, it slowly came into focus and I yelped in shock at what I saw was not a hand, but a hoof. I stared at it for what felt like hours, yet was only a few seconds. What the hell? I got up and stumbled, not used to this new body. Am I a pony? What’s my cutie mark? Am I a pegasus or a unicorn? All these thoughts ran through my mind. I checked my flank and saw I single red drop as a cutie mark. Is that a drop of blood? I shrugged, then felt my head, feeling a horn. “I’m a unicorn!” I loudly exclaimed, then I turned and saw a pony frowning at me. I smiled awkwardly and took a few steps back out of view. I then sat down and yawned, wondering how I got here. My head hurt, my vision wasn’t too good, I was tired and I was sore. I pulled out my cigarettes Well, at least they’re st- I stopped my thoughts and stared at where I pulled out the cigarettes. I scratched my head in confusion, I then gave up on how things worked in Equestria. (Yes, I give up that quickly). I lit my cigarette with a lighter that I pulled out as well.
“Whatever that fire-stick is, it smells awful.” I craned my neck to look behind myself to see a purple pony that looked extremely familiar. I let out a fan-girl scream in my head Twilight Sparkle! I gazed at her, my cigarette loosely hanging out of my mouth.
“Are you okay?” she asked. I blinked in a few times, taking in what I saw, I then came to my senses.
“I.. uh.. Yeah, I’m fine, thanks, and sorry it smells bad, not too much I can do about it,” I chuckled awkwardly, glancing in different directions. I decided not to let her know that I know her or it may cause me to talk for a long time, which I don’t like doing. I’m a person of little words, yet a wild imagination that flies off in horrible directions, leading to bad thoughts and those bad thoughts leading to horrible actions.
“Well, if you could put that thing out, please, before I die of lack of oxygen.” she glared at me.
“I’d rather not, it helps relieve stress and stops me from getting angry.” I replied. She stared at me like I was crazy.
“Something wrong?” I questioned.
“Your eyes have no pupils.”

Comments

more?

[deleteduser111010010101]

Eh... just a heads up, you might get bashed a little for this. Humans in Equestria are a little over done, your story doesn't flow very much, it's short as 'ell, not to mention it looks like it might turn into a Mary Sue

[Pony]

45505 I'm well aware of that. Hopefully it will turn out a bit different. I'll steer clear from cliche stuff and evil villians in which he has defeat using friendship blah blah blah. Also, it's my second fiction so don't really expect something spectacular.

[Gytrash]

It could be said to be relevant to my interests. Well written so far although the chapter is a little short. I find that the habit that some people have at leaving off in the middle of a conversation annoying but that is just a minor irritation. This is well worth a track,

Very interesting. Although I saw/read something odd in the beginning. "I looked around at my surrounding and saw I was inside a dark and ruined by years of moss and decay." The character describes where he is without actually saying where he is! I'm guessing he is in some sort of mausoleum?

[Tango]

interesting story, you might want to check your tenses though.
I noticed multiple times that you use past and present tense, sometimes in the same sentence, while the story is written in past tense.
After getting dress, I headed downstairs to get something to eat. I scratch my head, wondering what to have; I then open the fridge to see if there’s anything tasty, I pick up a carton of juice and take a swig of it, then I shut the fridge door and when over to the pantry to grab a packet of chips.
you start in the past, then you write in the present, and finally you end in the past tense.

My vision was blurry and I blink a few times.
here in the same sentence.

maybe you could read your story again and check for these kind of errors, they can distract readers from the story.
and for the rest, keep writing, ill be following

[SureFreeD]

Ur eyez haz no pupals!
Lol interasting story, gonna see how it develops.

[Meta Knight]

interesting

[Pony]

45653 Alright, I went over it a few times and fixed the present/past tense issues. Hopefully caught them all.