Everyone hugged Twilight with squeals. They finally let her out of their hug.
"You'll look out for her, won't you?" Twilight said, looking at her friends.
Everyone turned to Sunset Shimmer, standing in the broken front doors.
"Of course, we will." Rarity said, turning back. "Although I do expect some sort of apology for last spring's débâcle."
"I have a feeling She'll be handing out a lot of apologies."
Sunset stared at the ground. She looked up at Vice Principal Luna, who handed her a putty knife.
"We'd better get going," said Spike.
Twilight nodded with a smile on her face. She turned to her new friends.
"I know we've only been friends for a short time, but I'm going to miss all of you so much. " tears formed in her eyes as she said this.
Twilight took a deep breath and turned around walking toward the mirror, Spike following beside her.
"That crown really does suit you, Princess Twilight." he winked.
"You know what, Spike, I am starting to feel a little more comfortable wearing it."
"And the wings?"
"I've been walking on two legs and picking things up with these." she put her hands in front of her face. "Wings? I'm thrilled that's all I'll be dealing with in Equestira."
They walked into the mirror, back to getting home.
The moon glowed. Everyone's pony ears, wings, and long hair faded away.
Pinkie Pie ran to the mirror and crashed into it. She backed away, dizzy from the impact.
"Oh, bummer." she sighed.
"Oh, Pinkie Pie..." Rainbow Dash said, almost face-palming at her friend's antics.
"What?"
I'm definitely liking the idea behind this story, but I'm sorry to say that your style of writing keeps me from enjoying it very much. The frequent scene transitions are extremely choppy and the lack of description makes it both bland and confusing. This really feels like more of a script than a complete story, and I feel like expanding beyond the dialogue would make it much more readable. Dialogue's fine, but it can't carry a story on its own and I really think you need more. Try describing more things: where the characters are, what they're doing while they're talking, maybe how they talk, and other things like that. I noticed that you do a little bit of that, but I think you could definitely do more.
Grammar wise, you're pretty much fine, though Applejack's name is one word, not two, and she plays a bass, not a base. I also notice you use the word 'uttered' a lot, so you might try and change things up a little. Variety is the spice of life, especially in writing.
Sorry if all that sounded harsh. You've got a decent start and I like the premise, but I really do think you could make this a lot better if there was more substance to it.
The idea of the story is good
But it does get confusing on how each scene is rush maybe you should slow down a bit for readers to understand the story
I do wonder what the romance tag is about?
7674961 You'll see... Basicly, I want to do one for every movie and its for the fourth movie so Currently, They are all in this fanfic, just need to be writen. Should I make them seperate?
7674759 Like I said with the other coment, this origonay used to be One fanfic instead of the siris together.
7674759 I do need an editor still for this so...
7676099 An editor would definitely be something worth looking into. Like I said, you've got a pretty decent start that could just use a little more polish.
7676130 Yeah, the person who helped me edit The Phoenix said she isn't very good with editing Equestria Girls stuff.
7676134 Well, there are several groups you could look at. Never used any of them myself, but might be worth a try.
I found the opening to this story very well thought out and very well written I am left wanting to see more and wanting to read lots more. This was a very good way to open a story. The characters are both believable and very well received I loved how each of them interacted with each other.
7676193 I wanted it to start off where the movies left off
7676197 Well I think you did a wonderful job on this please keep up the wonderful work and congratulations on such a good story.
7676093
No but make sure that each chapter isn't too rushed
7676292 The first one has time jumps through the Rainbow Rocks shorts
7676294
Ok I understand now
7676342 Sorry for the confusion. It origonaly was one EG movie, then the next, and so on. I used to have the time jumps in the authors notes but removed them
11-5-16 Note: I have changed this story to be a one movie fanfic (Each movie gets a separate fanfic instead of chapter)