Description :

Fleur de Liss

Chapter title:

Fleur dis Lee

Change this.

Interesting plot. Kind of want to see where it goes.

So... A little like Pattycakes? Just another question is... F/F (Female/Female)? Or Female Dominant hypnotizing stallion?

It's a unique angle that isn't normally pursued by writers, but I fear that your concept is lost in the execution.

The most glaring issue is the spelling and grammar choices. The occasional spelling mistake is perfectly understandable, but the amount of mistakes in this story makes it seem like you rushed through writing it without any sort of proofreading at the end. It doesn't bode well when even the story's description has some spelling mistakes. It would do your story well to read through it after a bit of a rest from the writing so that you can look at it with a fresh set of eyes. You may also try reading the story out loud or giving it to someone else to proof read it for you.

The pacing of the story seems a little rushed in most places which also hurts your concept's survival. Take your time describing the situation. The look of the room, how a character is feeling, smells, sounds, or the weather outside can help flesh out the scene in your readers' minds and help them believe in the story you're trying to portray. If you ever find yourself writing one too many two sentence paragraphs, try padding it out with some sentences with descriptive details.

And finally as a minor note, try to stay consistent with "Fleur Dis Lee"'s name. This site lists her as "Fleur de Lis", but like "Big McIntosh" there are different variations of acceptable spellings of their name. However, you seem to deviate between different version of her name, showing no commitment to one or the other. For consistency sake, it's important to pick your way of doing things and stick with it throughout the whole story.

With some refinement I could see this story doing decently well. It's a fresh enough idea that has much potential if you are willing to follow it the whole way.