The First Nightmare Night at Caramel Treat's Sweets!
“We need a gimick, Peanut,” Caramel Treat said plaintively to her friend and waitress, Peanut Brittle.
“I mean, it is almost Nightmare Night and I haven’t even got up any decorations yet!”
Peanut pointed out to her friend and employer, “Caramel, you ARE a Nightmare Night Decoration! Just be yourself! Be a WOLF! All that I have is a witch costume from last year!
Caramel softened at once. “I keep forgetting that being a werewolf can be fun, Peanut. Thanks. As for your witch costume, it should be fine. Aside from the foal bowl sweets I doubt that we will have much business.”
Peanut looked about and suggested, “See if the Prancer has any ad space left. We could advertise a Nightmare Night Party Special! We could put red or green food dye in all the milk shakes and, Oh! We could do deviled eggs with green stuffing and put up the fries with a red brown color to sort of look like guts! What could we do for eyeballs?”
Caramel stared at her palomino friend as if she had never seen her before. She grinned, allowing wolf fangs to show in her otherwise innocent pony grin! “You are having too much fun with this, Peanut! Go for it! Call it in and book the advert if we can. I will leave the details to you. Just let me know what we are doing!
“I will try to scare up our decorations! You hop to it!”
Peanut sat and started to make some notes.
Caramel began a round of Magic Net mirror calls.
She was ready to give up in disgust. “Nobody seems to have anything left, Peanut! I couldn’t even get crepe streamers!”
A sparely built white pegasus in a flat black hat was passing by and overheard.
“We at the Assembly do have some old decorations that we will not be using this year, Miss Treat. There are some black and orange streamers that are a bit tattered but usable. I have an old blank banner that you may use, if you can get some paint for it.”
He paused, hoof to muzzle for a moment and offered, “I also have an old phony cauldron with a tripod support. I don’t know if you would want it, though. It has a pretty big crack in the side of it.”
Caramel immediately pushed him into a place at a table. “Peanut! Get Reverend Smallflower’s order! If he tries to pay for it, gently and with the love of Celestia and Luna, hit him on the head for me!
“I am hitting the kitchen now!”
The bemused Reverend Smallflower studied the menu and as he was trying to choose the cheapest things, Peanut pointed, “The Alfalfa Steak with onion and mushroom sauce is lovely. This batter dipped vegetable medley comes with your choice of these three dipping sauces. What would you like to drink?”
He looked up and asked diffidently, “Perhaps some tea? A Rom Black, if you have any. And I would like the honey dipping sauce.”
Quite soon, with both Caramel and Peanut watching, Reverend Smallflower was finishing up his meal. Caramel turned to watch the ever attentive Peanut Brittle trotting into the restaurant. She returned with a slice of Three Berry Pie a la mode.
The surprised Reverend asked, “This is lovely, my dear, but what have I done to deserve all of this?”
Caramel answered, “First, you have offered us decorations for Nightmare Night when we could not find any, saving our Nightmare Night celebration. Second, you helped my friend Peanut to find her apartment and followers of yours fixed it up far less expensively than I would have thought possible. Last, you have spent most of your life doing nothing but good for others. It is time to let others do YOU some small good in return!”
As the Reverend was just finishing up, Caramel came around to the front of her shop, pulling a small two wheeled cart with Caramel Treat’s Sweets emblazoned on each side in nicely scrolled lettering. She cheerfully called, “Let’s go and get those decorations, Reverend Smallflower!”
The Assembly was not far away, up pleasantly tree lined cobblestone streets. It was set back from the street by a nice lawn and some shrubs. Two goats were consulting a trimming diagram for a bush and carefully nibbling leaves and branches to give the bush shape.
As they saw Caramel they started to turn towards the Assembly. Suddenly one pointed! “Look, Garrth! This is the good pony that Grumpy told us about!”
Turning back to Caramel, they asked eagerly, “What can we do for you, Miss Treat?”
In the shade of the building’s interior, Caramel replied, “The Reverend has some Nightmare Night decorations that he is going to loan us, at my restaurant.
“There will be work with pay and food in it for every being of the Assembly. You goats will be the easiest. A pair of costume fangs, a fake pitch fork and a cloak will do it for you as “beings of the UNDERWORLD.”
A pair of voices spoke from the back room, one heavily accented, “What about us? I bet that you don’t have anything for us!”
A pair of donkeys came out, flanking a Thestral, like a pegasus with bat wings, and a gryphoness.
Caramel grinned hugely. She slowly changed to her Everfree Ridgeback Wolf form. Still speaking in her mare’s voice, she stated, “You are so wrong! I did not even know that there was a gryphon or a Thestral in Ponyville! I keep four kinds of fish and two kinds of meat in my coolers for when I am in wolf form and hungry! There will be meals and pay for both of you!
“I have work for you two donkeys too!
“Now all that we need are those decorations that I originally came for!”
The goats and the Thestral dove into the storage room like a herd of controlled excavators! They turned up a good deal more than Caramel expected.
Reverend Smallflower smiled ruefully, “I forgot that we had that box of assorted rubber spiders! Those capes were for part of the Hearthwarming Pageant. Are you sure that you want that old fake coffin? It was vandalized years ago.”
Caramel’s cart was filled to overflowing as the procession made its way back to her shop. Peanut greeted them, already in her witch costume, complete with broomstick.
She was exclaiming, “That is a great Thestral costu … You are a REAL Thestral! That is so neat!
“Since we are getting a cauldron, I cleared away the tables in the center of the dining plaza for it.”
Eager goats descended on the cart and began unloading Caramel’s loot of decorations. They closed off the interior dining area and stretched out the blank banner where no stray breeze could interfere with the painting of it.
With an embarrassed set to her crest, the gryphoness Grakkan, explained, “I have been studying Equestrian calligraphy. I am really quite good at it!”
Setting brush to cloth, she made good on her claim. The banner was beautifully lettered. It said:
WELCOME TO CARAMEL TREAT’S UNDERWORLD!
ENTER IF YOU DARE!
Or if you want goodies.
By the time that it was ready to hang, tables had been arranged to create a single entrance to the outdoor dining plaza. The Cauldron was boiling mist over the lip of it and some out the crack in the side! The foal bowl was hidden inside it, under the swirling mists.
The old fake coffin was standing like a guard house at the entrance. The Thestral lurked inside, practicing opening it to greet guests. “Velcome to ze Garden of ze Damned! If ye dare tread ze unhallowed ground, secret reward awaits for ze Nightmare Night chant!”
Streamers, webs and dangling spiders were everywhere.
It took both Grakkan the gryphoness and Caramel in her wolf form to get the banner up.
Caramel, not bothering to change form, gathered the whole crew together. Smiling a Wolf’s smile, full of fangs, she exclaimed, “This has been terrific! We are all ready for tomorrow! Costume up, all of you! This dinner is on me! I did not expect such a fantastic piece of work from you.
“Grakkan, you, Squeak, and I will dine together separately. I do not wish to upset the sensibilities of the rest.”
The Thestral snickered. “Squeak! I like it! Even your werewolf hearing can only hear about half of my name, I do need a nickname!”
Caramel smiled and retorted, “Oh, I CAN hear it. I just can’t say it!”
She got busy in her kitchen. When she emerged, the now costumed vegetarian staff, out front were well into their assorted meals.
Caramel signaled Grakkan and Squeak. They followed her. Squeak’s costume was like Caramel’s. He was himself. Grakkan was dyed black with orange highlights. Quite striking.
She said, as she sat to a steak like Caramel’s, “I hope that Peanut was right about this dye being washable.”
It was Squeak who replied, “It is. I have used it myself.” He was happily working his way through a fair sized trout.
Their meals were nearly history when Peanut put her head out the back door. “We need you guys! We have a committee here! They are from the Ponyville Prancer!”
Caramel and the others emerged. Seeing that the rest of the crew were already in their places, Caramel struck a pose by the fuming cauldron. Squeak entered the “coffin” with its old vandalism. A big stake driven part way through the lid.
The committee was two Prancer reporters, one a photographer, and five foals in Nightmare Night costumes.
As soon as everypony was ready, the foals approached. The coffin creaked open and the Thestral stepped out. “Velcome to ze Garden of ze Damned! If ye dare tread ze unhallowed ground, secret reward awaits for ze Nightmare Night chant!”
Grakkan, all black dyed, gathered the nearly (but not quite) frightened foals and escorted them past menacing trident bearing creatures of the underworld to the cauldron.
There, they halted before the witch who was stirring the mist flowing from the cauldron. She demanded, “What is it that you seek of the Night Wolf?”
Remembering why they were there, the foals chanted, “Nightmare Night! What a Fright! Give us something sweet to bite!”
The “Night Wolf” pointed her furry paw at the cauldron. “If you dare it, what you seek is hid within!”
Giggling some, but a little nervous, the foals reached into the mists boiling from the cauldron and pulled out some of Caramel’s well known treats!
The green camera mare was having a field day! Her flash was a nearly continuous backdrop to the whole event. The foals were led to an apple bobbing barrel next. After each had managed to grab an apple, the Dark Gryphon led the group back out and struck a menacing, wings half lifted, pose.
As the reporters and foals were about to leave, an ugly brown earth pony wandered past, sneering, “Look at that junk! Not a true pony in the entire lot! That stupid palomino is the closest and she is crazy off color!”
Caramel was about to say something when Peanut, still in her witch costume charged out! She whipped her broomstick like a combat staff! Striking between his hind legs, she tripped him! As he fell, she pulled the broomstick back and whipped it around hard, striking Sawnax in the joint just below the shoulder, effectively paralyzing his leg!
As he was struggling to rise, a large reddish, ridged and knotted scar showed on his left shoulder. Caramel pushed him back down and sat on his neck to keep him from rising.
She stated, “Mister Sawnax, you know that you are violating the protective order of Judge Coldheart. You will be spending your Nightmare Night in jail. If you are ever free of the Court Order, and you do not like any of my staff or patrons because of their coloring, species, race or belief, PLEASE LEAVE. I BITE! HARD!”
Grakkan’s crest flipped up in inspiration and she spontaneously touched her beak with a wing tip! She turned and dashed for the interior of Caramel’s restaurant!
While Grakkan was busy inside, a Ponyville Police officer came by to collect the fallen Sawnax and lead him off to await a hearing on his violation of the Court Order.
When the big gryphoness returned, she bore a big sign card that had a fine sketch of Caramel’s head as a wolf. Under it were the words:
If you have any problem with my staff or patrons for any reason,
be it species, race, coloration, belief or any other thing at all,
PLEASE LEAVE. I BITE! ~ HARD!
The delighted Caramel was just posting the sign card when there was a flash from behind her. The Ponyville Prancer’s photographer had gotten a good shot of Caramel, as a wolf, putting up the sign!
The next morning, just at Caramel’s opening time, Reverend Smallflower led the entire crew to Caramel’s. They were all in costumes and ready to begin.
Peanut grinned through her green makeup and divided the group sending half of them to the inside of the restaurant where she took breakfast orders for them.
Reverend Smallflower tried to say, “Really, I simply did this out of the goodness of the Twins! You do not need to treat me specially.”
One of the goats, in his Underworld demon costume pulled the Reverend to a place at the table. “They are not treating you in some special way, Reverend. They have just included you, like they did us, or are you too proud to eat at the same table as goats?”
Stung, the Reverend sat. A smiling Peanut made sure that he got a plenteous breakfast and all the Rom black tea that he wanted!
Peanut escorted both Grakkan and Squeak to eat with Caramel, who, to make her guests welcome was sharing a breakfast of meats with them in her wolf form.
Things had not got going yet when they emerged.
A colt trotted up the way with a bundle of newly printed Ponyville Prancers and started hawking his wares just across the street, in the park.
Curious, Peanut popped across to buy a paper. She came back, slightly bug-eyed! “Caramel! Look! We made the front page of the Prancer!”
Besides Caramel, all of the goats, Squeak and Grakkan crowded about to stare! There they were, in many photos, headlined, “BEST NIGHTMARE NIGHT BUSINESS DISPLAY!” The sub headline stated, “Caramel Treat’s newly opened restaurant shows the true spirit of Nightmare Night!”
Soon after, a crowd began to form out in front. Peanut cleverly sent the big, dark dyed, menacing gryphoness to organize the crowd into an orderly line.
The air filled with the voices of foals chanting, “Nightmare Night! What a fright! Give us something sweet to bite!”
Squeak, now playing his Baron Night Wing part to the hilt, was admitting the foals and their escorts in manageable numbers. Grakkan was keeping order both in the line outside and with the foals inside.
One of the escorts noticed the card sign with the drawing of Caramel. She turned to the gryphoness and asked, “You did this? Can you draw me one posing with Caramel?”
Caramel nodded eagerly. “If you can do it, go for it Grakkan! Charge a whole silver bit for each one! What you earn like that is yours to keep!”
Clearing a table, Grakkan laid out her drawing supplies and began. In only a few minutes, she had done a swift but fine drawing. She carefully blotted it dry and took the silver bit. There were two more customers lined up!
Caramel was reminded of the passing time by the growling of her stomach. One of the goats pulled gently at her leg. “Caramel, ma'am, if you help me to set up and show me where supplies are, I can cook up the crew lunch. Nopony is going to miss one of the demons from the lot of us.”
Caramel led him back to the kitchen and they set up the fires. “Here, Graymak. Just flop out the burgers from this box. We need to do …”
Graymak finished, “Six in the first batch, five in the second. Where are the fries? I see that the fryer is heating.”
Caramel watched as he very professionally organized his cooking space and had buns toasting alongside clover burgers cooking.
He looked up, “What, still here? Shoo! Cooking is in good hooves! Actually, some of those in the line are saying that they are hungry too. Mora knows how to do shakes. Just show her where the supplies are.
“Once we get the crew fed, we can start taking orders from the line and feeding our customers!”
Caramel watched only a few more moments and commented, “You are well organized Graymak.”
“I was a military cook for the Equestrian Gryphon Volunteers.”
Caramel got. Soon all of her regular crew were fed. Mora Quietly brought out a ham slice for each of the three carnivores.
As soon as they were fed, she took Peanut’s order book and started to work her way down the waiting line. It was not long before another of the “Demons” was pushing a cart down the line, exchanging tickets for meals.
Caramel truly admired the efficiency of the goats working with her.
The day wore on to evening and the line only got longer. The word had got out in the mid day edition of the Prancer that they were serving simple meals to the waiting line for very reasonable prices!
The sunset was a spectacular welter of red, gold, and purple clouds.
That brought out even more Nightmare Nighting foals and their watchful parents or escorts.
They stayed busy right up to closing. Caramel allowed those already in the line to go through before the final closing.
Counting up, she found that, in spite of the costs of the treats and the hire and food for the Nightmare Night staff, she was looking at a PROFIT of over a hundred golden bits!
She embraced the lot of them, goats, donkeys, Thestral, gryphon and Peanut Brittle.
“You guys have made this the best sort of Nightmare Night! I could never have had this much fun and made so much money all at the same time without you!
“If any of you is in need, come here, to my business. I will do my best for you, the same as you did for me!”
~THE END~
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Yes!
Great story my only issue is that you solve the problems to quickly giving a Mary Sue feel to Caramel.
In my personal opinion you could fix this by making more chapters mostly by breaking up your previous chapters into multiple ones. It creates a minor illusion of a longer story and if you put the breaks in the right place it slightly helps the Mary Sue problem. The next thing is to actually come up with some sort of challenge that is going to last a long time and work with that. Example, A civil war starts because of the tensions between races and all the racial differcity of Equestria. Caramel is called in by the side supporting equality to be a cook and a supportive fighter within the base/whatever camp she would get sent to.
I simply want to help you become a better writer and it seems like the only thing that you need to work on is your character development and an effective plot line that matches the character well. Please PM if you want me to help you come up with a problem or two that won't have Caramel seem so Mary Sue-ish.
This was great!!
Radar has picked up a helicopter that goes soi soi soi.
BEST warning sign EVER.
7679382
Glad that you liked it!
7684130
Basically I am just trying to follow the life of a not so simple character. Not looking for a war or the like but the idea of a long lasting fundamental challenge is an excellent one. Thank you.
8324709
Happy that you liked it. Love hearing that! You would be surprised at how much it helps.
8932245
That was fun. That sign figures in a number of other stories too. Look up my Grumpy Goat <tails> where Caramel is a frequent supporting character.