Awakening (Re-edited Version)
The Necron Lord of Equestria
A story that had to be done
“Tonight was a quite……. Eventful” commented a dark blue mare, she was adorned with a beautiful set of wings and a sported a wicked horn on her crown, she was standing out of the balcony of her beloved sisters room, staring up into the night sky, the moonlight reflecting off her even darker regalia as she admired her handy work, her mane was an exceptional combination of her regalia's deep navy blue and her coats dark blue shade, what made her mane stand out most was that it looked like it had tiny stars twinkling in it.
“Indeed it was sister, I didn't realize that the Changeling situation had become this dire until now" The older mare stated as she took a small sip from her cup of tea "We have to watch our backs from now on, I don’t want to have another situation like today's” she was almost identical to her dark night loving sister with the exception of being more tempered in demeanor and also her coat being a complete heavenly white, her regalia is made out of pure god and was emblazoned with a orange sun which not surprisingly adorned her flank, her mane was also as interesting as her siblings but instead of being a flowing representation of Van Gogh's Starry night, her mane was coloured like a dull rainbow with many streaks of green blues and pink,she pulled a book off of a gold encrusted bookshelf and levitated it onto a small coffee table next to where she was sitting.
“Hmmm.. indeed, the situation with the Changelings has escalated ever since the elements were rediscovered and if the Changelings have gathered enough courage to strike us here, who knows who else will, we might even have to increase border patrols” Luna advised, walking back into the well lit room and shutting the doors to the balcony and closing the lush red curtains.
“But on a cheerier note, I had completely forgotten about the crystal caverns below Canterlot castle, what will be the plans for it?” Luna inquired, pouring a cup of tea for herself and sitting down next to her sister, she proceeded to peering into the book she had her muzzle in.
“No..... I'm sealing it back up” Celestia replied firmly, not once taking her eyes off her book. Luna gave a shocked and confused look before pursuing it further.
“W-why? It could be a valuable resource we can’t just seal it back up!” Luna protested.
Celestia closed her book giving Luna a quick glimpse of what she was reading, pictures of dark towering figures standing over frightened ponies. “Because ever since Twilight and Cadence came from there a strange sensation has been gnawing in the back of my mind and when she and Shining Armour did the spell that sent Chrysalis and her vile brood away, a chill went up my spine and that strange feeling told me that the entrance should be closed up and both my mind and my soul knows it” Luna was going to rebut but Celestia began to stand and moved towards another shelf that held many items and trinkets one of which was a small chest large enough to be a jewelry box and was covered in scrolls and books, as Celestia lifted the scrolls and books off of the chest Luna could see engravings of roses and a gold lock adorned it, Celestia moved back and sat down beside her inquisitive sister.
“What’s in this box is one of the reasons that no one is to venture down into those caverns” at that her horn started glowing with a yellow hue and a small click could be heard from the box as the light enveloped it, upon opening Luna expected something a little...... well more, either it being more extravagant or otherwise terrifying but all that was in it was a crude looking piece of metal that looked like it was snapped off of a piece of old armor, but before Luna could ask Celestia brought out a small knife and stabbed the metal causing a large scratch to form, now more than ever Luna was more confused now than before, she looked up at her sister but Celestia was paying no mind to her, her focus was just set upon the piece of metal as if expecting it to retaliate at her sudden outburst.
“TIA HAVE YOU GONE MAD!?” Luna erupted.
Celestia wasn’t paying attention but after a few seconds of silence her eyes light up as bright as the heavenly body she governs “There!... right there do you see it?” she announced somewhat excitedly, nudging Luna to take a closer look, as Luna peered at the dull metal she could see exactly why her sister was getting so worked up about and if she didn’t see it for herself she would have thought Celestia was mad, but the gash on the metal was fusing back together. Luna was speechless but Celestia just had a goofy smile on her face as if she had rediscovered an old toy that brang back old childhood memories.
“Bu-how?... I don’t understand? What is this..... This thing?” Luna asked as if the metal was an abomination against metallurgy itself.
“We don’t know... a few centuries ago we thought about mining the crystals down in the caverns, but the miners started to disappear one by one and soon enough they refused to go into there until whatever was in there was dealt with so I made it top priority to investigate those mines I hoof picked a special team for the job, as well as almost an entire garrison of guards including ten from the Stalliongrad special forces, but to enter that mine was a death sentence because only three got out alive out of sixty plus that went in, one of the survivors committed suicide because of something he saw.
Another went completely insane, only one, the original leader of the expedition was sane enough to explain what had happened down there.
From what he told me, he and the others moved down deeper into the caverns and the deeper they went the more ominous the feelings got, a few of the guard had said they saw shifting in the shadows or green lights looking at them for a split second before fading away, a lot of them knew they were being watched and it wasn’t too long after that a few of the guards noticed some of the stragglers were missing and a few guards were sent back to check on them but even they didn’t come back either and a lot of the guards swore they could her a low humming sounds like a pulse but their first known casualty was the high pitched screams of two guards being dragged into the shadows when the humming suddenly grew louder and the entire cave began to turn alive with green eyes all staring at them before they could react three guards were struck down by.....by *sigh* green lightning and that was all it took to spark the fire, a few guards stood their ground and tried to fight while the rest tried to flee in terror but as soon as they passed into the shadows the only thing that was awaiting them was a painful death a demise making them shout out in terror causing those poor brave fools to buckle in fear until the creatures were upon them as I said only three made it out alive the captain gave me this piece of metal, he says he found it when a stray arc of green lightning hit one of those creatures and that’s all he told me.
When I went to visit him in the infirmary he-he…….he had hung himself in the middle of the night” as Celestia finished her head sank low in shame, tears streaming down her face while Luna just stood there in shock at what Celestia had just explained to her.
“What kind of monster has the power to take the lives of highly trained guards not to mention Stalliongrad special force elites?” Luna muttered trying to wrap her head around the grim tale that was shared with her.
“I don’t know sister but whatever it is it will not show mercy even if we pleaded for it” Celestia finished before an ear piercing scream filled the night, in an eye blink they were both out the door minus both of them getting wedged in it for a few seconds since they both went through it at the same time.
They quickly squeezed through and rushed down the gold encrusted staircase towards where the shriek came from, Celestia the entire time hoping it didn’t come from the chapel, sadly her worst fears came through, bleeding into reality when they burst through the doors of the Canterlot chapel and there lying on the ground was a half burned carcass of a servant who must’ve wandered in at the wrong time and in the wrong place.
Luna was struggling to keep the nights feast down “I really shouldn’t have had that extra helping of cake” Luna gagged, holding a hoof over her nose.
Celestia just stood frozen on the spot before the doors to the chapel flew open and eight night guard ponies ran into the room followed by six other ponies.
A purple unicorn came running to celestia’s side only to back peddle at the charred pony the rest of the troop made their way around the remains of the pony except for one particular canary coloured Pegasus with a pink mane and tail including an ivory unicorn with a purple mane and tail who stayed back as to not whitness the grim sight.
Twilight Sparkle a lavender unicorn with a dark purple mane with a light pink strip coursing through it was the first to speak even though she was struggling to talk while trying to keep the bile down “P-princess..... *Gulp!* is that a-a pony?” she asked but her mentor wasn't responding though when Twilight looked upon her, her coat was a prestine white but at the site of one of her subjects killed in such a Brutal way left her a sickly white.
A cyan coloured pegasus with a rainbow coloured mane and tail with a cutie mark that was a cloud with a rainbow coloured lightning bolt coming from it, that had came with the other group that wasnt with the guard, had recovered from the shock and gritted her in both fear, disgust and anger but her face showed that of more disgust than the other two.
Twilight, gaining enough of her composure cleared her throat to gain everyponies attention “listen up everypony I don’t know what’s going on but as the Elements of Harmony, it’s our duty to make sure the citizens of Equestria and we're going to do everything in our power to stop it... any questions?” she proposed, puffing out her chest proudly.
Fluttershy shakily raised her hoof which caught Twilights attention “yes, Fluttershy!” Twilight Announced pointing her hoof at Fluttershy who squeaked at the sudden rise in volume targeted at her “Ummm………w-w-well…..that is if you don’t mind Twilight…….. shouldn't your brother be dealing with this?” she shakily asked, Twilight just huffed and continued “Shining Armour and Princess Cadence are off on their honey moon, and I'm quiet confident in our abil-” she was stating but was cut off by Celestia suddenly coming back to reality “NO!... WE NEED EVERY ABLE GUARDSMEN TO COMBAT THIS THREAT!” she Rumbled quickly turning around to face her student “I'm sorry my faithful student but this threat is far greater than anything you’ve ever seen” she lowered her voice to explain, Twilight however was frightened by this sudden outburst from her mentor if there was something that can get her this worked up then it is far greater than she originally thought.
“Then we need to get a message to Shining Armour now!” Twilight demanded
“I’ve already sent him a message, he and cadence are returning to Canterlot as we speak and I’ve already scrambled the guard, Night and Day Regiments, I’ve also had a few guards go down to the inns and hire mercenaries, thieves, assassins basically anypony who can fight” Celestia finished taking a sharp breath of air, Twilight was taken back by the sheer amount preparation she's made not to mention the lengths she’s taken to ensure that whatever is out there will be swiftly doubt with. “I'm also going to collapse the tunnels so no more of them can come out” she explained looking back towards the hole that leads to the crystal caves.
“Wait? who are "Them"? You haven’t told us who “They” are yet” Twilight pointed out.
Celestia hung her head low and began to confess. “I don’t know what they are”, Twilight was sceptical by now but wasn’t able to continue, as shrill scream cut through the dark that seemed to have came from the town.
“Oh no, it’s already in the town, QUICKLY GUARDS FOLLOW ME!” Celestia ordered. all the guards just nodded and followed her as she galloped out the doors with her sister and the elements in pursuit.
As the group made their way out of the castle and into the town. The streets were crawling with guards except one street which seemed ghostly empty except for two guards standing over another charred pony body as princess celestia approached the guards shot to attention as Celestia inspected the body “it’s the same as the one in the chapel” she sorrowfully stated as she was inspecting the body, as she was inspecting the cadaver closer a silhouette of a unicorn coming from an intersection down the street caught her attention, the unicorn who had a light blue coat and a light green mane and tail came running from the intersection, she saw princess Celestia and stopped and opened her mouth to speak “HEL-“ was all she screamed before a bolt of green lightning shot out from the street that she was running from and struck and cut through her like a hot knife through butter scorching her body, Twilight swore she thought her body was disintegrating, the unicorn slumped to the ground a huge streak of blood strewn across from where the bolt struck her.
Seeing one of her precious ponies cut down in such a manner stirred deep anger that burned furiously from inside her, her eye’s began turning white hot and her mane was whipping around like a burning inferno, she wasn't there to protect those unfortunate souls from those creatures all those many years ago but now she's here and this time it will be different she looked back at the guards and elements (including her sister) “FOLLOW ME!” she boomed while the rest of the troop just nodded with fierce determination and followed her lead and galloped at full speed down the street the bolt came from.
Down the street was another body but shown no marks of being struck by lightning instead it looked like it had been diced up by a sharp implement like a sword.
The entire area around the body was covered in blood but Celestia was confident that the creature was still down here since it was a dead end alley way (note I said it was a street and fucked up there) all that was around were some bloodied rags and crates, Celestia slowly walked further into the alley and closer to the body she was flanked by two guards and Twilight to accompany her, when she approached the corpse she noticed the guard to her left was shaking uncontrollably she went on to reassure the frightened guard but the guard was cowering and muttering to himself “it’s coming for us, it’s only killing us……I-I-I’m next!”
Celestia grew ever more concerned she turned towards the guard on her right and told him to escort the other guard out as the guard turned to nod she saw his jaw hung low and his pupil became non-existent and the hairs on his back stood up in sync as he was staring up above Celestia, she quickly whipped around just long enough to see a large spear with several serrated blades cut through the guard on her left a few crimson blood drops splattered on her pristine white coat and up her face she looked up to see green eyes staring back at her and all she could do was freeze ‘all the stories are true those……eyes those terrible green eyes they are completely emotionless she thought her coat was white but it now resembles that of a ghost, her mouth hung open out of fear but she couldn’t bring herself to scream.
“PRINCESS RUN!” the sound of Twilights voice shattered through the dead silence she was experiencing, she quickly snapped back to her sense and unfurled her wings and used them to push herself back next to Twilight. She looked towards Twilight and she noticed she had tears down her face, "Twilight stand back i'll deal with this monster!" she growled through gritted teeth. Twilight reasured by her words nodded and ran to her friends to watch as the scene played out. once Twilight was safe she quickly turned her focus towards the shadow where the creature was hiding, a great rage bellowing up in her she had allowed herself to be weak and it costed her the life of one of her guards.
“SHOW YOURSELF MONSTER! I WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE BEFORE I SEND YOU TO WHAT EVER HELL AWAITS YOU!” she threatened causing Twilight and her friends as well as the guards to stand back giving themselves a much larger space between them and Celestia, Celestia waited for a few minutes before yet another chill was sent through her spine.
“Threats will do you know good Princess Celestia of Equestria, you have no power over me and you lack the ability to kill me which makes you weak” the cold voice sounded metallic and completely void of emotion Celestia found herself in another silence but realised all the ponies around her were cowering upon hearing the hollow voice, what seemed like an eternity passed before it spoke again “But if you want to see my face... I will grant you your final wish” the cold voice declared.
Celestia managed to speak even though she could feel her vocals contort as if not wanting to reply to this…… whatever it is “W-whatever you are i will not let you harm anypony else” she weakly proclaimed but silence ensued for 5 minutes before a shuffling of metal came from the shadows then the voice spoke again “you wish to know what I am?” it clarified as it stepped out of the shadows the figure stood at least 3 feet taller than Celestia (minus the horn) and was completely made of some kind of dull grey metal, its form roughly resembled that of the skeletons of Great Apes west of the Zebrica, but it stood more upright and had many visual differences like it had huge metal shoulder plates, the one on the left she noticed the left one had a large chip cut out of it the overall shape looked quite boxy while only a few parts like its head and chest were more rounded and smooth, on it’s back was a long tattered cloak that swayed lazily with a strange symbol in the middle which looked like a circle with lines coming off of its side and from the bottom, the top however was a simple semi circle.
The middle of its rib cage also bore the same mark but glowed a dull green the most peculiar part of its skeleton was the large vertebrae that made up its spine, but the head was the most frightening part out of it, despite the large four pronged spear it was holding.
The blade was grey but visibly saturated with blood, the staff however was gold a colour but also had blood dripping off of it, the spear however stood at least a foot higher than the wielders overall hieght, but in between the blades and what seemed to hold the blades together and fused them to the shaft of its weapon was a thin tube that glowed green and crackled with green sparks, that would explain the lightning.
averting her eyes off of his crude weapon spear she looked up to its head and felt her blood run cold as she stared up at the death dealing foe. Its head was similar to that of a primate but held a far more flatter shape a more dignified look if you will, but its head was small and the eyes were the only thing remotely life like about it, but it held no fear no remorse and so devoid of emotion as they bore holes into Celestia's very being, and with a voice that seemed like it could stop stop time and freeze the wind it simply spoke out.
“I..... am Death”
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EMPEROR ABOVE
THIS SHOULD BE FUN
Cool, however a peice of advice. I found this story very hard to read, there were many times when I wasn't sure who was talking. Whenever you have a dialoge text, you want it in a new paragraph, like:
"What are these things?" Twilight asked.
"I don't know." Celestia responded.
It don't have them in the same line. Aside from that, and a few minor grammatical errors (mainly lack of capitalization in some places that would require it.) The dialogue being a new paragraph is the main problem. I will defiantly be tracking this, the premise looks great.
Okay, I don't have time to tear this all the way apart, so we'll go with just a couple glaringly obvious things.
First, capitalization
Take 30 seconds, scroll through your story, and start each sentence with a capital letter. Then, go find all the names and capitalize them as well. It is physically painful to read your story at this point.
Second, this :
"(quick note: I'm just going to go ahead and say the characters names and not bother describing them we all know who they are so we don’t have to go beating around the bush because we’re too lazy to remember what they look like.)"
Just take your story down, then. You clearly don't want to actually bother -writing- it, so why should anyone else bother reading it?
The dialogue seemed out of character or forced, and nearly everything wasn't properly capitalized.
918775 yeah i did go through and try and find as many problems as possible but i was tired also i did go through and try to find out all the confusing bits that one must've escaped me
918975 thanks for all the criticism at many stages im writing this as a trial and use the comments to better my writing skills, also capitilasation always escapes me as much as i try to root them out, also i will add the descriptive parts if it will please you and so it will get others off my back and instead of saying how shit it is try and help me if not then you can go **** yourself (note if your going to act like a dick expect to be treated like a dick)
919029 yes i know im getting others to give me a hand for the next chapter as well as redoing this one once i get enough feedback
Well it's back i've now fixed the many errors, well as many as i and my friends could find and i hope to see better review on this story before i continue it
I am curious why this suddenly became mature. . .
978872 it shouldnt be mature it should've been teen since nothing truly graphic has happened i will change it right away thanks for your keen obsevation
i thought necrons couldn't talk?
1011821 they can just not much because their souls and what not were put in their necrodermis body but had a nasty side effect leaving them emotionless slaves but only Phariahs, necron lords and flayed ones and maybe a few others contain a small sliver of their consciousness, also they talk in the Dawn of War series but this particular necron lord talks to much.
1013297 oh yeah...i forgot they could talk in dawn of war soulstorm
K, love the story so far, but a few suggestions.
1. BREAK UP THE SENTENCES! Seriously this whole thing is like a big run on sentence about necrons and ponies.
2. Identify who is talking. This will help a lot.
Do that, and this story will be magnifique.
BTW, is that a necron overlord at the end? Im not sure.
1609601 the cloak is a dead give away
THIS IS 2 FUCKING SENTENCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my christ.
I just achieved 99 climbing from reading that.
In all seriousness, shorten your paragraphs, and I still gotta say that this is horribly edited.
I could maybe help you edit it if you wish?
So awesome finaly someone realize how cool the necrons are
Necrons......in Equestria. FUCK YES! FUCK YES! ALL OF THE YES! MaY THE GREAT PYRAMIND RAIN DOWN DEATH AND GIVE THE NIGHTBRINGER NEW SOULS TO DEVOUR!
5481999 ha, the nightbringer is useless
Plot introduced. Characters explained.
Minimal character development, story speed is fast.
Plot points are minimal, possibly confusing to one who does not know of the Necron.
Grammar suffers a bit, but not much, punctuation needs work. Spelling, minor errors here and there.
Predicted future for story? The Necron destroying Equestria.
919145
Whilst I do love the Necrons and their Mcjagger walks towards the filthy living I feel as if this chapter needs work.
Like....a lot of work.....I believe the main problem would be the pacing and the run on sentences.
Pacing is far too fast and it barely gets past the reveal story before one shows up? Nope. Not happening.
I'd advise you to slow your story down and smooth your flow bro....ya know? Just chill out for a second and imagine as if they were talking to you, would you want Celestia talking til she ran out of breath but kept going anyways?
Another point is the emotional impact of everything........the emotions are barely there. I'm reading this in the dullest monotone voice I can and it still seems too emotional for Celestia's lines.
This can also be fixed with pacing out and repeating what is being said in how you would react to news.
The run on sentences man......cmon you know how to fix this from basic language by simply find a good spot to end and plopping a period and using the space to split the word colums.