I have not read a fic like this in a long time. It's so engaging and I feel like it connects with me because of the realistic interactions between characters. I will continue reading, and I simply want to say that I love this story and look forward to seeing more!
I’m sorry, I don't like doing this. I downvoted and you deserve to know why. I saw this mentioned in at least one comment before, but you move this story way too fast. There is absolutely no set up, no dialogue that lets us get to know the characters, and events happing in such rapid succession that you break out of the immersion you are trying to create. You might have a goal in mind that you are trying to reach, but your set up to it is shoddy. Let dialogue last longer, describe what is going on in their heads more, describe the setting. This idea had potential but the more I tried to continue the more I found myself looking for more in each scene you tried to craft.
Also on a more personal note, your portrayals of characters are very one dimensional. I also find myself disliking them the more you try to make them into characters because how you introduced them initially, it feels forced.
In my opinion this needs a rewrite, pronto. Have a good day and I hope you can take something from this critique to be able to improve.
9327489 I'm sorry to ask and thank for your input but after reading your comment I kind of had more questions than realisations. You say you look for more descriptions about the characters yet we know who the characters are. The only one is Michael to develop but I can't until the story gets further along. The comment about you looking for more in a scene I tried to craft but I'm not really sure what you mean about that? As we know what ponyville looks like. We know what Twilight's castle looks like so i can't really expand on that or the story will have pointless description. This story isn't about Michael becoming a soldier or fighting or having any massive change happen to him. This story is about how if we as humans would try and fit in in a new world. Yet with most of our memories gone and slowly returning. Michael will develop over time as more and more of his memories return but if I try and expand him now I might as well stop writing to this story and move on as the stories purpose is Michael. Again I thank you for your input but I need more explanation on what scene you felt lacking or what point you thought a character could have been expanded upon.
Good to see another chapter and the cliffhanger made me smile so much idk whu
I have not read a fic like this in a long time. It's so engaging and I feel like it connects with me because of the realistic interactions between characters. I will continue reading, and I simply want to say that I love this story and look forward to seeing more!
i got a feeling that this guy has his own wife and kids back on earth
I’m sorry, I don't like doing this. I downvoted and you deserve to know why. I saw this mentioned in at least one comment before, but you move this story way too fast. There is absolutely no set up, no dialogue that lets us get to know the characters, and events happing in such rapid succession that you break out of the immersion you are trying to create. You might have a goal in mind that you are trying to reach, but your set up to it is shoddy. Let dialogue last longer, describe what is going on in their heads more, describe the setting. This idea had potential but the more I tried to continue the more I found myself looking for more in each scene you tried to craft.
Also on a more personal note, your portrayals of characters are very one dimensional. I also find myself disliking them the more you try to make them into characters because how you introduced them initially, it feels forced.
In my opinion this needs a rewrite, pronto. Have a good day and I hope you can take something from this critique to be able to improve.
9327489
I'm sorry to ask and thank for your input but after reading your comment I kind of had more questions than realisations. You say you look for more descriptions about the characters yet we know who the characters are. The only one is Michael to develop but I can't until the story gets further along. The comment about you looking for more in a scene I tried to craft but I'm not really sure what you mean about that? As we know what ponyville looks like. We know what Twilight's castle looks like so i can't really expand on that or the story will have pointless description. This story isn't about Michael becoming a soldier or fighting or having any massive change happen to him. This story is about how if we as humans would try and fit in in a new world. Yet with most of our memories gone and slowly returning. Michael will develop over time as more and more of his memories return but if I try and expand him now I might as well stop writing to this story and move on as the stories purpose is Michael. Again I thank you for your input but I need more explanation on what scene you felt lacking or what point you thought a character could have been expanded upon.