A small squad of IPE troopers investigate a distress call on a massive Research vessel given the name: Ut Bellum. What they find there, is something that could end all they know...
The pony made one glancedglance and stumbled in shoc
the same message over and over; "Alert! Containment breach!"
Should be a colon, not a semicolon.
He didn't even slow down for he already knew
Comma after "for."
What happened next was what he dreaded, the growinggrowling made a sudden alert sound
the sound of multiple hooves hitting the floor was soundingheard behind him.
"Heard" is a little better. You could just make it active voice, too: "Then he heard the sounding of multiple hooves hitting the floor behind him."
trying to tell themselves that this iswas all fake.
"Too bad its not," he thought sorely.
Probably don't need the quotations, since he's thinking, not speaking.
A small beep sound from it as it marked that it was working.
Ehhh... how about this: "The console made a small beep, and the panel on it lit up. He sighed with relief, glad to see that it was still working."
Suddenly, gunfire startstarted to sound
"Dr. Testskript signing off for the last time" Wwas
All right, this was just the prologue, so not much to unpack here. I'm not sure when I'll get to the rest, so as a brief rundown of the good and bad... The Good: It was attention-getting and set the tone for the story.
The Bad: It's a bit cliched, not too much unlike any other horror movie or sci-fi action film. It might have needed a bit more to tease out the emotions of the scene or heighten the sense of terror to have the good doctor trying to hide from these creatures before running away. And, as pointed out above, you might need an editor. I was lucky enough to get that advice as well, and it really helped out. Sadly, I don't think I can volunteer for the job, but I'm sure someone else might take up the reigns!
Should be a colon, not a semicolon.
Comma after "for."
"Heard" is a little better. You could just make it active voice, too: "Then he heard the sounding of multiple hooves hitting the floor behind him."
Probably don't need the quotations, since he's thinking, not speaking.
Ehhh... how about this: "The console made a small beep, and the panel on it lit up. He sighed with relief, glad to see that it was still working."
All right, this was just the prologue, so not much to unpack here. I'm not sure when I'll get to the rest, so as a brief rundown of the good and bad...
The Good: It was attention-getting and set the tone for the story.
The Bad: It's a bit cliched, not too much unlike any other horror movie or sci-fi action film. It might have needed a bit more to tease out the emotions of the scene or heighten the sense of terror to have the good doctor trying to hide from these creatures before running away. And, as pointed out above, you might need an editor. I was lucky enough to get that advice as well, and it really helped out. Sadly, I don't think I can volunteer for the job, but I'm sure someone else might take up the reigns!
7636038 Thanks for the help tho, I changed it to fit slightly better...
I will be going back to reread and fix the story every so often.