Villains of a Certain Age

by BorgiaBrony

Chapter 1: Of Backstories and Backsides

Chapter 1

Discord sat at one of the ends of the dining room table, snapping up all types of candy and junk food and devouring them greedily. Tirek sat opposite of him, somewhat repulsed by his friend’s gluttonous behavior. “You know,” he said with a raised brow, “you don’t have to eat all that right now. “

Discord dropped the milkshake he was drinking and, as soon as it hit the floor, all of the food around him disappeared in a flash of white light. “Excuse me, your highness,” he said ironically, “but the next time you spend weeks on end without being able to eat, I’ll be sure to tell you how hungry you are!”

Tirek lifted his hand up to his ear. “What was that?” he asked angrily. “It sure didn’t sound like ‘Thank you Tirek for busting my sorry hide out of jail. I really appreciate it.’”

Discord feigned surprise and applauded sarcastically. “Good, good. It seems your hearing is still intact after the accident. Tell me, what happened that day I found you broken and half dead?”

Tirek shuddered at the thought of that day. It was his moment of triumph. He had won. All the power he would ever need was in the little bag around his neck, the Rainbow of Darkness was his, and he had taken to the skies in his chariot. But then, as he was reveling in his victory, he felt a searing pain. The rainbow beneath him had taken on its natural colors, and swirled him into a Technicolor tornado. The whirlwind carried him around for days, burning his crimson skin and singeing his blue fur. After the third day, he fell. Fell from what he could only image was hundreds of feet in the air into a darkened forest. He didn’t know how long he had been there before Discord showed up. Discord had healed him, got him back on his hooves, and even helped him renew Midnight Castle. But the damage was done: he had already lost his minions and his power.

“Ugh and don’t even get me started on what it was like bringing old Grogs and Tambelon back to this plane of consciousness,” Discord snarked. “That one gave me migraines for weeks. I swear, the things I did for you two…” he tapered off, as if consumed by his thoughts. He shook his head and got back into the conversation. “In any case, I think we’re all just about even now. Now, what put such a chip on your shoulder that caused you to be so upset at your old friend Discord?” As soon as the words left his mouth, he had blinked over to Tirek’s side of the table and conjured up some reading glasses, a quill, some paper, and a couch, on which he promptly reclined. “Come now, you can tell the doctor anything you need to.”

Tirek allowed a small grin to creep across his face. Make no mistake, both he and Grogar were upset with Discord and wanted some answers from him, but there was no denying that Discord was one of the funniest beings he had ever had the pleasure of meeting. “Isn’t the patient supposed to lie on the couch?” Tirek asked to humor him.

Discord rolled his eyes playfully and shrugged. “I think it’s comfier here.”

Their conversation was cut short by a grating scraping sound from down a nearby darkened hallway. “Uh, Grogs…. You still have that new magic bell of yours on you, remember?”

The scraping stopped abruptly, followed by a barely audible “Damn it,” from the hallway. Seconds later, Grogar emerged from the darkness, levitating another chair at his side.

Discord’s head shot up from the sofa. “You expecting company or something?”

Grogar dropped the chair at the middle of the table. “Nope, no guests at all,” he said as his red eyes darted across the room and a single bead of sweat rolled down his forehead. “Don’t know why you’d ask such a thing.”

Discord and Tirek exchanged confused looks as to say “Wow, that was weird,” before Discord stood up from his couch. “Now that you’re both here, can you please tell me what am I’m in trouble for this time?” Grogar opened his mouth to start talking, but Discord interrupted with a facetious remark. “Seriously, guys. The suspense is killing me.”

Tirek spoke up, his deep voice overpowering Discord’s. “You left us, Discord.”

“I don’t answer to you,” Discord said with his arms crossed, a hint of anger lurking in his tone.

“You probably should now, Mr. Lawn Ornament,” Grogar joked. Tirek laughed, but Discord’s scowl only grew larger. “All we ask is why you left us all those centuries ago. T wasn’t even done recovering yet.”

“I could have died!” Tirek boomed.

“You were going to be fine! I wouldn’t have left otherwise.”

“Then why did you leave?” Tirek asked, his voice bordering on a full scream. “For nearly a thousand years we had no clue where you were!”

Discord smiled. “Oh, so Mom and Dad were worried sick that I was out past curfew, then?” He looked at both of them. “Grogar is clearly the Dad in that case.”

“We didn’t leave Tambelon for a millennium!”

“Well, whose fault is that, you lazy old shut-ins? Besides, you knew full well Tambelon is a manure-hole of a city, anyway.”

“Hey!” Grogar interjected, none too pleased about the way Discord was talking about his home.

“That’s beside the point,” Tirek said, ignoring Grogar completely. “We stayed there because we were afraid of what those ponies would do to use if we dared show our faces again. Look,” he turned around to show Discord his rump. There were still large patches of fur that were gone, burned off by the rainbow. “I’m still not fully recovered from the last time!”

“Wow, look at all those bare patches…” Discord’s face lit up, and a light bulb appeared over his head. He leaned over to Grogar and told him, “from now on, we call T… ‘Patches!’” Grogar recoiled at the sight of the thing hovering over Discord’s head. Discord looked up at it and plucked it from the air. “What this thing?” With that, he threw the bulb behind him and it exploded into butterflies on impact.

“Enough games, Discord,” Tirek growled under his breath.

Discord waved his hand at Tirek. “You can never have enough games.” He looked over to Grogar, who was seemingly mesmerized by the butterflies. “Right, Grogs?” He redirected his gaze back at Tirek. “Now, Patches, if you’d be so kind as to turn around so we can all see your coat again, that’d be fantastic.”

Tirek had enough. He felt nothing but rage. He lunged at Discord, grabbed him by the fur around his neck, and pinned him to a wall. “You listen to me you flankhole! We spent years hiding like friggin rats in a sewer, waiting to hear any news of you. Then, after Faust knows how many centuries, we hear someone’s altering the laws of physics all over Equestria. Then, we save your flank. AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US!?? WITH SNIDE REMARKS AND INSULTS?!”

Discord gasped and wheezed, Tirek’s massive red hand nearly crushing his windpipe. “Gak! Flank! Grogs….Look at his flank!”

Tirek’s gaze never left Discord. “Go ahead, Grogar! Tell him how funny I look!” He leaned in closer to whisper into Discord’s ear. “Why were we even friends?”

Grogar peered at where the patches were. “You aren’t looking too funny at all, actually.”

Tirek’s head whirled around. “What do you mean not at…?” His voice trailed off. The missing patches of his coat were all filled in, fixed in an instant by Discord’s magic. He unhanded him almost immediately. “I’m so sorry.”

Discord coughed a few times to clear his throat. “It’s fine, its fine. I should have just come out and told you. But that was a very good question, though. And to answer your question: I met a nice mare. That’s where I went.

Grogar glared at him, dissatisfied by his response. “For a thousand years?”

Discord rubbed the back of his neck and looked up toward the murals on the ceiling. “Well, here’s the thing. I kind of had to plunge the world into chaos. You know, to show her I’m awesome. Then, when I asked her out, she and her kid sister…..kind of maced me.”

“Maced you?” questioned Tirek.

“In a way, yes.”

“Like…with actual pepper spray?” Grogar asked.

“Well, not really…” Discord placed his claw up to his chin, thinking about the best way to describe it. “It was technically the powers of harmony and order, but with the way it hurt and the way it was used; yeah, let’s just say it was a kind of Super-Mace.”

There was a long pause. Tirek and Grogar exchanged looks, then collapsed on the ground and burst into laughter.

“So you mean to tell me,” Grogar laughed, “that you actually try to get a date, and she was so repulsed by the idea of it, she turned you into a statue? Oh, that’s rich! Ha Ha Ha!”

Discord smiled, rolling with their laughter. “Yes, get it out of your systems now. It’s that funny.”

Two hours later, when the laughter began to simmer down, Discord smile had turned to a scowl. “Is it out of your systems yet?” he asked angrily.

Tirek stood up. “Okay, okay. We’re done laughing now,” he said wiping a tear away from his eye. He pointed toward the staircase behind him. “Your room’s where it’s always been. Get some shut eye. Got some serious stuff to talk about in the A.M”

Discord’s smile returned to his face. “Oh T,” he said as he patted him on the head, “you and your serious business. You should know by now nothing about me is ever serious.” And with that he blinked up to his room.

Comments

[Sir Leadhead]

lol
so what does discord do to impress the ladies? Chaos, of course

Great chapter, cant wait for more!

[nightmaster0]

Will the mane six and the princesses find out about Tirek and Grogar really wan't to see their reactions to the fact that only does Discord have friends but who those friends are.

[thewaffler]

Well, normal bros get plastered and pick up chicks but what happens when you and your bros have almost god like powers. Here's the the thing I can still see them hanging out in the parking lot of a 7-11, smoking pot and playing Battlefield 3 till 7am.

[FancierPants]

Brilliant Borgia keep up the good writing old boy, Discord is gonna be a riot in this story.

[BorgiaBrony]

753166
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsvpvej6N51qhw2q6o1_500.jpg
(If you know where that image is from, bonus intarnetz for you)
753259
There will be plenty of regular bro moments in the coming chapters , I assure you.
754829
Trying to do that in the story without having it sound hammy handed. Its tough to work the timeline I've made up for this into the framework of conversations friends would have. But basically, Tirek the centaur and Grogar the goat were old school G1 baddies who were defeated indefinitely at the end of their respective movies/episodes. Here, they did their thing long before even Discord begins his initial rule of Equestria. Think around the time of the first Hearth's Warming Eve.

[thewaffler]

758230
Best bro moments getting drunk and kicked out of a zoo and trying to cover up a certain smell from my mom's car while driving to the store high out our minds and very paranoid.

[Winterstorm]

758230
OH MY PONY GOD.
AMANDA SHOW.
I JUST GOT SLAPPED WITH MY CHILDHOOD... Well, you were already beating me to death with it with all the G1. I had a fun mixed childhood.