The first time is difficult for most people, and Fluttershy is no exception. Luckily, her girlfriend Adagio is there to help. The methods may be unorthodox, but who cares when the result rocks your world?
I am here, Sweetie. I'm closer to you than I ever been. I'm in your heeeead...and I'll never go awaaaay..."
She delights in being at least a little scary, I think.
Aaaand, yes, she is as sneaky as ever!
That you worked in a bit of exhibitionism and masochism on Fluttershy's part was a nice touch as well. Both of them feel right in terms of characterization, especially in that no matter what they're doing, that sense of mutual affection is still there.
Hmmm... Not bad. I wasn't into the whole exhibition shtick, but the story is solid and I can see a lot of people liking it. The ending was kind of predictable for me, but i had to stop in the middle of reeding to do something, and my mind was scrambling all over the place, so I had time to figure it out. One thing:
but Adagio kept her irony
that's not how you use 'irony.' Use 'calm' there, instead.it works much better.
Another thing:
becauseknow
fix that. It's in the window segment.
Other than that, it's not too bad. I still laughed at coochie scorcher, though.
Pretty good. Not my fetishes, but written such that I could appreciate them. That said there's some missing letters, misspelling and grammatical errors that really should have been edited out beforehand. The gav, tocuh and se do show up on the site's spell checker so those are easy. But the grammatical stuff doesn't. I'd recommend that once you upload a new chapter to the site that you give it a thorough read so that you can catch this sort of stuff. Even something as small as the missing capitalisation can jar a reader out of their groove and badly impact their reading experience, so taking the few minutes to scan your work one last time is worth it.
...as I said. we need you to feel confident. ...and never gav her "that" look. ...actually on that Adagio had bought... It shimmers to from the oil. It feels so good to tocuh myself. They will se me...naked! Yes dagi...give it to me...
Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty clever plan.
I also had a suspicion when you stop putting apostrophes around Adagio's name. I wondered, "Is she REALLY doing that to Fluttershy?" and I gotta say, I didn't expect to be right.
Damn, Frank, nice job on this one! You made Adagio's plan really work, even though she was as close to Shy as ever. Like, it was something so silly, yet it worked so well! I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the further chapters. You seem to be a man full of suprises.
By the way, mistypes here and there... It's small ones, but could you fix, please?
...The superior look was there as always, but this time it was combined with statisfaction and warmth.
...She turned around and gasped in surprice, as she found herself face to face with her girlfriend.
(There isn't just this one here.)
Oh Faust, I’m close. Don’t stop...don’t stop!
(This made me laugh so hard, goddamnit! ) Oh, yes, the various "to"s that are supposed to be "too"s, check'em.
But well, that aside, great chapter. I hope this just gets better and better! ~Igor
She delights in being at least a little scary, I think.
Aaaand, yes, she is as sneaky as ever!
That you worked in a bit of exhibitionism and masochism on Fluttershy's part was a nice touch as well. Both of them feel right in terms of characterization, especially in that no matter what they're doing, that sense of mutual affection is still there.
i was wondering how she was doing aol those things and not banging her head against the window
Great story and will have to wait impatiently for more
Hmmm... Not bad. I wasn't into the whole exhibition shtick, but the story is solid and I can see a lot of people liking it. The ending was kind of predictable for me, but i had to stop in the middle of reeding to do something, and my mind was scrambling all over the place, so I had time to figure it out. One thing:
that's not how you use 'irony.' Use 'calm' there, instead.it works much better.
Another thing:
fix that. It's in the window segment.
Other than that, it's not too bad. I still laughed at coochie scorcher, though.
Pretty good. Not my fetishes, but written such that I could appreciate them.
That said there's some missing letters, misspelling and grammatical errors that really should have been edited out beforehand. The gav, tocuh and se do show up on the site's spell checker so those are easy. But the grammatical stuff doesn't. I'd recommend that once you upload a new chapter to the site that you give it a thorough read so that you can catch this sort of stuff. Even something as small as the missing capitalisation can jar a reader out of their groove and badly impact their reading experience, so taking the few minutes to scan your work one last time is worth it.
Okay, I have to admit, that was a pretty clever plan.
I also had a suspicion when you stop putting apostrophes around Adagio's name. I wondered, "Is she REALLY doing that to Fluttershy?" and I gotta say, I didn't expect to be right.
Damn, Frank, nice job on this one! You made Adagio's plan really work, even though she was as close to Shy as ever. Like, it was something so silly, yet it worked so well! I can't wait to see what's going to happen in the further chapters. You seem to be a man full of suprises.
By the way, mistypes here and there... It's small ones, but could you fix, please?
(There isn't just this one here.)
(This made me laugh so hard, goddamnit! )
Oh, yes, the various "to"s that are supposed to be "too"s, check'em.
But well, that aside, great chapter. I hope this just gets better and better!
~Igor
9247873
Thank you. It's always fun when someone like your story. About the spellings, I'll se what I can do... however, Faust isn't misspelled.