Finding the Mark

by Plucky-the-Pony

Lost

Deep, deep down in the dark. Heavy at first, then rising, rising, rising. Warmth. Comfort. Then a slow dull throb of pain.

Sounds, soft at first, but rising in intensity, brought my ears to twitch in discomfort. Things were much louder then they were before, and with the dull throb I felt in my right hip, shoulder, and face, as well as several other parts of my body, a body that I was still getting use to, I longed for the sanctity of the darkness. Rolling onto my side, trying to bury my ears, I moaned as the dull throb became sharp and electric stabs, firing into my nervous system and forcing my eyelids to flutter violently. Too bright, too bright, too bright! I thought, longing to sink back into the depths of that blackness, yet longing still to go towards the Light. Yet the Light of my desire chose to manifest itself into the world of the living.

Voices now. Loud voices. Too loud voices. Excited and feminine voices. Though how I knew all that I wasn't sure, but when I blinked my eyes hazily again I saw two faces hovering over mine. Their big eyes and long noses. Triangular ears. Horns. Their voices rolled into one, echoing in and out of focus until one of them shone a light into my eyes. The light blinded me, but helped to bring all my other senses to focus.

"Can you hear me?" One voice repeated.

"Do you think there was any da--" The other began, but was hushed instantly by the pony with the light.

"Can you hear me?" She tried again, patiently waiting for my answer.

Unsure of how to respond, I tried to open my mouth and duplicate the sounds she made, but my mouth was cotton ball dry, and the best I could do was open and close my mouth.

"Go get some water," The first voice ordered quietly.

"On it," the second answered, before evacuating from my direct line of sight.

"Can you understand me?" She tried again, quieter now, obviously recognizing something in my face that seemed to exasperate my pain.

"You don't have to talk, sweety. Just try nodding or shaking your head, okay? Now let's try this again. Can you understand me?"

With a mighty effort, I nodded, ignoring the stabbing, shooting pains up my neck.

"Are you in any pain?"

I nodded again, resting the heavy weight of my head back on the pillow.

"Okay, I'll get you some pain killers as soon as I can. Just stay with me. We're going to get you some water and see how that settles, okay?"

Nodding my affirmation, I closed my eyes, finding the light to be too brilliant still.

"Don't fall back asleep now! We need you to stay awake."

Shaking my head in the faintest of negatives, I closed my eyes tighter, the only audible sound I could muster was another quiet moan.

There was a brief pause as the pony tried to define my meaning before continuing in her hushed voice. This time the voice moved about the room, and I assumed she was at the task of preparing those pain-killers she talked about. "You're in the hospital in Canterlot. Do you know where that is?"

I paused, then shook my head. The word itself bounced around in my head, vaguely sounding familiar, but I couldn't put anything to the word. Not a single emotion. It puzzled me.

"... Okay..." She began again, fumbling with her words like I was with my predicament. "Its in Equestria... You've been unconscious for a long time..."

"Eighteen months, two weeks, and five days to be exact," the other pony specified as she entered. My ear followed her approach as she came into view. She carried with her a foam cup with a lid and straw, though she carried it in the air, which puzzled me for a moment, but didn't take precedent over the former information. It sounded like a lot of time, but I wasn't too sure either... I felt like I had been in the Light for much longer then that, but I wasn't sure of that either... In fact, I couldn't remember a time before the Light. That bothered me.

The straw neared my lips, and I reached out weakly for it, sucking in the life-giving liquid greedily. So delicious was it that I practically groaned in pleasure.

Once my mouth was properly saturated, the first pony inquired again. "What's your name, Sweety?"

My... Name? I thought, puzzled at first, but the more I thought about it the more it bothered me, especially when I watched the two ponies exchange a look. I shook my head slowly, trying not to let the panic in my chest escape to my face.

"We... We couldn't find your Cutie Mark when you came in... So we don't have a clue on who you are or where you came from... Do you not remember anything?"

Slowly I shook my head, too shocked now... How can I not remember my name? Still shaking my head, I could no longer hold back the panic in my chest. It burst from my like a wolf, growling its groans at first, which swiftly turned into pitiful whines as the pain in my body escalated. Rushing around, the ponies quickly set to task with some tubes, and it wasn't long till I fell blissfully back into the depths of blackness.

Comments

[tezzbot]

Ooo, interesting, if a little clichè in its purpose, but he lewes to hoping your story doesn't end up like all others! I'll be waiting.

[Dark Nightshade]

Wow, this is very interesting! Not finding the cutie mark, I wonder how that happened.

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6887097 Please explain. ;)

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6887661 Thanks so much! Hence that's the mystery. ;) At least part of...

[Reeve]

I'm guessing this coma and amnesia aren't going to be grounded in realism or anything silly like that, presumably it's going be magic based, otherwise it would raise some awkward questions about how the pony perceived time during it, or the selection of things they can and can't remember

[tezzbot]

6888102
I'm simply saying that there are alot of amnesia stories on Fimfiction, im simply hoping that you don't turn out like those ones, because I'll admit, I like these kinds of stories a little to much.

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6888125 https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AwrTccY7F61WabEA6CknnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTE0ODE1M2RiBGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDUFJEQkNLMV8xBHNlYwNzYw--?qid=20090713202604AAnhO1T

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6888165 Ah. I'm new here and haven't had a chance to read a lot of stories, so I don't know what's considered cliche' here. Also new to the MLP universe so I've got a lot of learning to do. ^^

[Reeve]

6888214 Well as interesting as that was, it didn't really address my point

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6888458 "...otherwise it would raise some awkward questions about how the pony perceived time during it, or the selection of things they can and can't remember..." Amnesia is different per person per situation. Questions will be asked regardless, and awkwardness is a part of any "human" thought and perspective. Sure it could be magic. Sure it could be physical or emotional trauma. It could be a whole host of things, but that won't stop the questions and stories without questions aren't interesting enough if the reader already knows the answer... So... I must be missing the original intent of this statement if that explanation I sent you wasn't a broad enough explanation. Please feel free to clarify so I can understand you better. :)

[Reeve]

6888519 Firstly I was questioning both the amnesia and the coma, the problem with the latter being the perceived passage of time, as in the story you make it sound like the character has a clear awareness of the passage of time while they're unconscious. Secondly the problem with the latter has less to do with the technicalities of amnesia (although that is obviously a concern) but how the story is written from a first person perspective, an important aspect of writing in first person (and what makes it difficult) is that the narration always reflects the character delivering it, for example if you're writing from the first person perspective of someone simple minded, you won't be using overly complicated words, in the context of your story, writing from the perspective of a character who struggles to comprehend the concept of a name, the language you're going to be writing in is bound to be extremely limited, I don't think this character is going to know what it feels like to have cotton wool in their mouths or how that is an appropriate metaphor for what they're feeling. And lastly, although I didn't even touch on this in my initial comment, your writing in most areas comes off as far too pretentious, to paraphrase Yahtzee, there's a difference between flowery writing, and writing where you could switch about all the sentences and it would make just as much or little sense.

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6888639 True to the perspective. I appreciate your input. After re-reading these chapters I still am not sure how: 1) the character reflects, to you, to be simple minded 2) you believe she doesn't understand the concept of the name 3) I didn't make it clear she was aware of the passage of time. Pulling examples from my text would be greatly appreciated if and when you have the time. I would love to edit my story for it to be better understood and for it to be a more compelling read. Thanks for your time. :)

[Reeve]

6888914 When I said simple minded, I wasn't talking about this character or even this story, I was just using that as an example for how writing in first person can limit the language you use. The bit about the name, I'm assuming I just misinterpreted what you wrote, it was the bit right after the doctors asked her name, reading it back it doesn't come across the same way it initially did. As for an example of the time thing:

They seemed to prove that nothing changes, at least, not here, but one day, change did come

It's hard to pick out individual lines as it comes back to my other point about flowery text. I wouldn't have bothered expanding on my first comment, but you seem more genuine than I had initially written off, and if you really are open to criticism and looking to improve then I hope what little feedback I gave helps.

[Plucky-the-Pony]

6889004 Oh okay. I do remember reading a book that did just that, can't remember the title of it though, but I do remember it was about a simpleton who underwent a surgery that made him smarter, so as the story progressed his words were "flowery" as you put it. Great book... Wish I could remember the title so I can add it to my library...

Anyway, I digress... That sentence itself tripped me up when I wrote it, but I wasn't sure how to express the moment of realizing there was change without using a time-table that readers could understand. I will go back once I have a better concept to express that thought. I appreciate you pointing it out again so I can make a point to fix it.

I'm always open to criticism as long as its productive. Nay-sayers just to be trolls I ignore, but people, like you, who bother to give me examples on HOW to improve are always greatly appreciated. I hope to one day be a publish author so I best learn how to take whatever an "editor" can throw at me in proper way. Again. Thanks for the feedback and if anything comes up in the future I hope you don't mind giving me pointers wherever you see fit. :)