Pokemon Sombra Version: The Emerald Nuzlocke

by Thanatoaster

Prologue: God-beings have each other on speed dial.

"Ugh," Sombra moaned. "Why does my everything ache? What happened to m... Oh, right. The cotton candy upstart and her boy-toy usurper."

Sombra took a moment to vow a number of things too vulgar to repeat in languages too old to remember.

"...Faust, am I dead?" Wondered the former tyrant after he had settled down a bit. "...Did a purple and green dragon hatchling facilitate my demise? I... the mighty Sombra... he who challenged both Celestia and Luna... felled by a lowly drake and a glorified supermodel." Sombra let out a growling sigh. "Well, at least it can't get any worse."

"Oh, hello there!" called a voice full of mocking laughter. "Sorry to keep you waiting."

"What?" Sombra whirled. Or tried to, anyway. It was difficult to move in the strange void he found himself floating in. "Who's there?! Show yourself!"

"Now," the voice continued unabated, "are you a boy or a girl?"

"What sort of inane question is that?" Sombra replied derisively.

"Oh? I see," said the voice. "So you're a girl--"

"I AM A STALLION, YOU IMBECILIC FOAL!" Sombra roared with a hint of embarrassment. "SHOW YOURSELF AT ONCE!"

"Oh, so you're a boy?" the voice called. "And you're name is...?"

"Harrumph," Sombra 'harrumph'ed, as evil kings are known to do. "Whoever you are, you have the honor and privilege of addressing King Sombra, Dark Lord of the Crystal Empire. Show yourself and grovel at my hooves, you insignificant worm."

"That's quite a mouthful. How about... Sombrero for short?" the voice mocked.

Sombra began to protest that he was not a wide-brimmed hat from Mexicolt, but stopped when he realized that the barb, as well as the tone of the voice that delivered it, were slightly familiar. "Wait a minute. I know that voice..."

Suddenly, an annoyingly recognizable Draconequus popped into existence in Sombra's view... wearing a white lab coat.

"Discord," Sombra growled.

"The one and only," Discord agreed with a flourish. "Well, in our universe, anyway. Some places actually have a whole gaggle of me running around!"

"Is that what they call a collection of you?" Sombra asked with an unamused sneer.

"Actually, the proper term for a congregation of Draconequii is unpronounceable by most beings, so we just use whatever is funniest at the time," Discord replied. "But that's neither here nor there. Nor there. Nor there... and especially not there. Ah, but I digress. Still want me to grovel at your hooves, Sombrero, old 'friend'?" Discord batted his eyelashes, each eye shifting to a different color and shape whenever they opened.

"...That would be prudent, yes," Sombra replied evenly, as his past experiences with the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony had prepared him for Discord's many... quirks.

"Well, that's going to be a bit of a problem," Discord declared. He pulled a deflated balloon out of his ear, and with a great huff of air, inflated it until it morphed nonsensically into a full length mirror. "I mean how can I possibly grovel at your hooves when you don't have any hooves to grovel at?" With that, Discord turned the mirror to face Sombra.

Or rather, what was left of him. Sombra had expected to see a tall unicorn stallion with imposing plate armor and a red, fur-lined cape, signifying his kingly status. Instead, all he saw in the mirror was the severed end of his own horn, still emitting the dark aura of his magic.

Sombra reeled. "I... What... What have you done to me, trickster?!"

"Me?" Discord echoed with mock innocence. "I didn't have a thing to do with that. No, you landed in that mess all by yourself, Sombrero."

Through the incoherent rage Sombra felt building, he knew Discord was telling the truth. Before his... defeat, the Tyrant King had charged various agents under his thrall with gathering information on the affairs of the world during his absence. His sources had informed him that Discord had managed to get himself recaptured less than a day after his escape from his stone prison. As such, Sombra knew that Discord could have had no hoof, paw, or claw in his current state.

He was, however, the closest thing available for Sombra to direct his fury at. But, before the dark unicorn could begin on a rage-fueled tirade that bards would sing of for ages, he was interrupted.

"What? Not even a 'thank you' for your old pal Discord?" The Draconequus pouted with all the sincerity of a snake.

"And what reason, pray tell, could I possibly have to offer gratitude to you?" Sombra spat venomously.

"Oh, I don't know," Discord mused, "how about the fact that you aren't rotting away in Tartarus at the moment?"

"Reduced to an immobile fragment of my former self and forced to listen to your senseless prattle for all of eternity?" Sombra groused. "Sounds like Tartarus to me."

"Oh come now, old boy," Discord reproved, "Is that any way to speak to the being that's going to facilitate your return to power?"

"And how do you plan to do that, you jabbering lawn ornament?" Sombra challenged. "I'm surprised you even had enough power available to pull this off."

Discord flexed his arms, only to have them droop cartoonishly. "True, I'm not in top shape, I'll admit..." He summoned a Rolodex with a snap of his mismatched fingers and flipped through it. "...But I do know of a universe where a number of the local god-beings owe me a favor or three."

"And what do you get in return?" Sombra inquired. He knew any deal with Discord would come at a price.

"Why Sombra!" Discord crowed. "How very callous of you. Can't I simply do something out of the kindness of my heart?"

"Do you take me for a foal, trickster?" Sombra snapped. "You want something."

"Ah, but don't we all?" Discord opined. "...Oh all right, fine. If you must know, all I desire is that upon your triumphant return you create enough chaos for me to stretch my legs again."

"...And?" Sombra rumbled.

"Nothing gets past you, does it, Sombrero?" Discord chuckled. "Well, except Princess Foalsitter, her stallion-child husband, all six bearers of the Elements of Harmony, a bumbling infant reptile, and the one thing that could possibly be used to defeat you. But other than that, nothing gets past you. No, sir."

If Sombra had a mouth, he likely would have been foaming at it due to his inability to cause bodily harm to the Draconequus in front of him.

"Ooh, I'm sorry. Did I touch a nerve?"

Sombra suggested to Discord that he do something rude and very uncomfortable with a piece of gardening equipment.

"I'm sensing some hostility here, Sombrero old boy. Ah well," Discord deflected, before pulling a card from the Rolodex, which popped out of existence. "To be honest, there's no guarantee that you'll return from this world at all. Granted, there are options available with higher chances of success, but none of them scream 'Discord' quite as well as this one does. At the very least, it will give me some entertainment for a while. The statue garden gets ever so droll after the first five minutes."

"So that's you're angle?" Sombra accused. "The King is to be the Jester's jester?"

"Now now, Sombra," Discord replied. "I'm a Chaos Spirit of my word. If I say I'm going to give you a second chance at life, then that's what you're going to get. Is it so wrong for me to admire my handiwork? It's not like I have much else to do at the moment."

Sombra was silent in contemplation. The deal was obviously unfair to him, the odds horrendously out of his favor... but in his current state, what other choice did he have?

"Fine," he eventually answered. "On one condition: Upon my return, you get the core of Equestria and the lands to the southwest in whatever ridiculous shape you wish, and I get the northern lands, the Crystal Empire, and everything beyond. Do we have a deal?"

Already, Sombra was plotting his betrayal of Discord and his eventual rulership of all the known nations of Equus.

"We do indeed, old 'friend'," Discord replied. "Let's shake on i-- Oh, right. Silly me."

Sombra then decided to change his plan for vengeance from 'swift and efficient' to 'slow and excruciating'.

Discord pulled a banana out of the pocket of his lab coat and started pressing invisible buttons on it, each press accompanied by a different animal sound. "Now, let me call up my old drinking buddy and hammer out the details..."

Knowing Discord's usual antics, Sombra was unsurprised when the banana started ringing. "Arceus! Hey! It's your old pal Discord. How's tricks?"

Sombra couldn't make out the voice that emanated from the banana's stem, but he could hear the tone of confusion. "...Discord? ...The Draconequus? ...I made it rain oranges for a week?"

The tone's confusion was replaced with recognition. "There you go... Oh you know. Same old, same old. Arcie, listen. I'm calling in the favor you owe me for that whole Giratina business... No, no. Nothing major. I just need you to move somepony from my universe into yours... Ah, but that's the beauty of it. He's a bit lacking in the whole 'body' department, you see... Yes... Uh-huh... No, let's make him a human. I do love how unpredictable they are... Mmm, I'd say sixteen sounds good... Oh Arcie, you know me so well! No, as hilarious as that would be, let's let him keep his gender... Littleroot Town? Where's that again? ...Oh, Celestia's Plot-- trumpets everywhere! ...No, no, that's perfect... Wonderful... Thank you. Don't be a stranger, now!"

Discord tossed the banana over his shoulder, where it sprouted frog's legs and flew away. "Hate that guy," he muttered.

"What was that I heard about genders?" Sombra growled.

"Oh, don't you worry your severed little horn about that, old boy," Discord dismissed. "It will all make sense in a moment. Now Sombra, allow me be the first to say..."

"Welcome to the world of Pokemon."

Comments

[Thanatoaster]

Inb4 someone asks what a Rolodex is.

[Superblox]

6810190 Well, that's certainly useful information. Thanks!

[ponyheart07]

HA!