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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'll never understand the point of a Hell. It's the most petty concept I've ever heard. "Bad people get bad shit done to them forever" and with that comes the baggage. How does one define bad? How does one justify torturing anything forever for any kind of crime/crimes?
Meh that's besides the point.
You're doing rather well with this. Not all that many mistakes although there are a fair few. I'd suggest just editing what you have here and the first part before you do anything else. Makes it easier for people to get into it.