Grandpa HATES Equestria

by ColossalParadox

Hearts and Hooves Day - "F*ck Diabetes..."

Town Square

"Hey Grandpa! Why don't you try some of this?" Dash asked him. Grandpa looked over and saw she was holding a box of candy. He frowned at the cyan pegasus, getting somewhat agitated.

"What did I tell you about the candy?" Dash hoofed Grandpa the box anyways. He inspected the box with disdain. "I can't shove this up my ass..."

Dash face-hoofed, slumped down, and sighed in defeat. How much longer was it going to take before Twilight figured out how to send him home?

---

Sugar Cube Corner

"HEY THERE GRANDPA!!"

"HOLY FUCK SHIT!!"

Pinkie surprised Grandpa in her usual manner of greeting any other patron of Sugar Cube Corner, by being herself. Grandpa, however, still wasn't use to her energetic nature. He clutched his chest a glared daggers at the pink mare.

"What did I tell you about jumping out at me?! I about unleashed my Tai-Kwon-Jitsu on you!" Pinkie stopped bouncing in mid-air and fell to the ground. She grinned sheepishly and rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment.

"Aww jeez, I'm sorry Grandpa. I keep forgetting that you are the 'quiet type'," She said, making air quotes with her hooves. "But anyways, I was wondering if you would like to come to the Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest? There will be rides, and games, and best of all.... CANDY!!" Pinkie shouted, bouncing up and down again.

Grandpa had no idea what she was talking about, as usual, but there was a mention of candy, and he wasn't about that. Nope. Not at all. Not one bit.

"For the last god damn ti-"

"TOO LATE!!!"

Grandpa didn't have time to finish his response as Pinkie had grabbed his hand and was dragging him along out the door and into the streets of Ponyville. It seemed like Grandpa was going to the Farts and Chodes Day Candy Fest, or whatever the pink one said, after all. Either way, it was gonna be a bad time.

---

Hearts and Hooves Day Candy Fest

"I wanna hang myself," Grandpa stated.

Every which way he looked there were couples and sweethearts everywhere indulging in the festivities going on around them. Game booths were set up for the colts to win a prize for their sweeties, Ferris wheels and roller coasters inhabited the grounds of the festival, and, best of all as Pinkie called it. Free. Candy. EVERYWHERE!!!

Pinkie beamed as brightly as the sun. A smile splitting her face from ear to ear as she glanced around at all the happy faces and lovey doveyness going on. The only one who didn't seem to be having a good time was Grandpa. Well, Pinkie was about to fix that.

"Aww, don't be like that Grandpa. Come on! Let's go on some rides!!" Without being given a chance to respond, Pinkie once again grabbed his hand with her hoof and pulled him towards one of the rides, called the "Twirly Whirly". A ride that consisted of five arms sprouting from a center mechanism, each having three cars for passengers to sit in. The arms spun the cars in a circle, and the cars had their own rotation as well, all adding up to an amazing 720 degrees spin. (More or less)

They got in line and waited their turn.

---

"You know, my first wife and I rode something like this on our first date," Grandpa retold to Pinkie, who sat across from him, "She's a ghost now!" He said a little TOO happily. "I sometimes see her in my dreams, and I have to say, she still looks like a Ho."

Pinkie grinned and nodded her head nervously, trying her best to keep her focus on the ride, and failing. Grandpa's stories were just too bizarre.

They were almost crazy enough to match up to Pinkie's randomness, or at least be equivalent.

---

"I haven't touched a piece of candy in, well, since that time at Disneyland," Grandpa reminisced as he admired the wide selection of candies and treats, "But I suppose one little piece couldn't hurt. It just better not be that shitty trick candy the yellow one gave me," He stated with a drip of venom in his voice.

Pinkie was confused by this statement. The only "yellow one" that she could possibly think of that Grandpa might be talking about is Fluttershy, but she is too fragile to ever pull a prank or trick someone. She would be eaten up by the guilt of even THINKING about trying something that could possibly humiliate or harm somepony before ever getting a chance to put the plan into action.

Pinkie didn't dwell on the thought for too long though as she focused on Grandpa. She watched with bated breath as he picked up a piece of candy and brought it up to his mouth. Her eyes widened and her smile grew wider as he popped the treat inside and began to chew.

Ponyville. Take cover.

---

Pinkie has made many mistakes in her life. Some big. Some small. But who hasn't? It is the nature of being a bright, technicolor, talking pony with a constant sugar rush and positive attitude. So yes. She has made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes until she ceases to exist. But this one mistake that occurred today that she had complete and total control over would be the worst she ever makes. And what mistake would that be I hear you ask?

She allowed Grandpa to eat some candy.

.........holy hell.... EveryoNE HIT THE DECwdlgjkfsd9u80d9]0[aiklmw earng piubaevisod' pls;dfekgfysuhkjgenvwoijjfedshgea;oijtpo[k[doa;lfkv;ln icowl;s.,dm./vsmdfl;k tugpioejf;dkpfgtrwmsg;tnuhkrd..........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................run...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................save yourself......................................................................................................................................................................

"Outta my way! I'm a real Grandpa!!"

Comments

[Pedro-Paramo]

What?! No grandpa candy shenanigans! D:

[ColossalParadox]

6870418 What isn't said is the most important thing in this chapter. Instead of being limited to what I could have potentially written, now there is an unlimited amount of possibilities that could have occured. All you need is a little imagination :)

[Pedro-Paramo]

6870445 don't sponge bob me D:<

[ColossalParadox]

6871589 Too late :3

[Pedro-Paramo]

6872848

[ColossalParadox]

6873725

[Pedro-Paramo]

6873756
D: