PARANOIA:EQUESTRIA

by Opium4TmassS

Chapter: C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has heard that their might be some ponies unhappy about how the chapters are done now. Please direct all complaints on the console in the Funroom above the shark tank. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is eager to listen.

EQUESTRIA FUN FACT: Most Sciences have been replaced with the new official field of study called Voodoo Science. The application is simple for every problem you have, just throw chicken blood on it, and the solution will appear.

"The more we come here, the more I'm certain Troubleshooter H.Q. is becoming more like a circus." said Twilight Sparkle.

"Twilight stop being so ridiculous." said Pinkie Pie as a pony dressed in clown makeup, gave her a cone of cotton candy. "This is Troubleshooter Headquarters. They take threats very seriously."

The mane six ducked and weaved around the jugglers, magicians, and clowns that crowded around the entrance to the briefing room. It was pretty hectic, but Twilight did have some time to admire the Trapeze act. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. in her infinite wisdom felt that a major uplifting was needed to help change the atmosphere of depression that clouded the place, and also to overshadow the fact that the average lifespan of a troubleshooter can be counted in the milliseconds.

The group was ushered to the briefing room. It was a bare, plain, white room with six seats placed in front of a giant screen showing a giant eye with a silhouette of an alicorn for the iris.Two laser batteries were attached to the ceiling, on them were hung the sign that read: THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS! Next to the screen stood a yellow pony with a brown mane dressed in white, meaning he had ultraviolet security clearance. The highest available there is to a pony.

The troubleshooters entered with each one hoping that the cannon wasn’t locking onto them, as they each took a seat.

“Greetings and welcome troubleshooters.” said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. “Is everypony ready for some fun?”

“Yes C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.!” they said in unison. As they found their seats.

The pony who had been watching them started to moved while he spoke.”For the record please state your name,your job on the team. and the element you represent.”

“Twilight Sparkle, clone number 5,463,282, I am the team leader, and I represent the element of magic.” she said as she ducked for cover from the blast.

“Traitor!” said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. “Please execute yourself on the count of three. One, two thr…”

“Wait!” screamed Twilight Sparkle. “I am a registered user of magic. See the yellow bars on my jumpsuit.” crawling out from behind the chair to show them. “Look! See! And you put your guns away as well!” she said pointing at the other members of her team.

Twilight climbed into her chair while mumbling about how this happens every time.

“Next.” called the High Programmer.

“Rainbow Dash, clone number 8,432,113. I am the loyalty officer of the group.” she said. “Also my Element is loyalty.

“Rarity, clone number 5,078,899. I am the hygiene officer. My element if generosity.” she said handing the High Programmer a cup. “I found this on the ground so I want you to have this.”

“Um okay...next.”

“Pinkie Pie, clone number 20,643,670. I am the happiness officer and my element is laughter

“Applejack, clone number 5,789, 939. Communications and recording officer. Also my element is honesty.”

“Fluttershy, clone number 3,688,756. Equipment pony, kindness is my element.”

“And who among the group would you say is the most loyal?” said the High Programmer, watching each ponies hand shoot up. “And who among you would you say would be the first one to be a traitor for the evil Luna mutant sympathizer?” He watched five of the ponies point to Pinkie, except for Pinkie who pointed at herself. "Pinkie."

"Yes?"

"When the mission is over please execute yourself."

"Okie dokie loki." she replied saluting. "I always have to execute myself after the missions."

"Now that that is out of the way." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A.. "You are my best and most loyal team of troubleshooters..."

"Yay!"

"...Except for Pinkie Pie."

"Awww."

"Who has faithfully served Equestria in stopping the onslaught of LUNA..."

"BOO!" the ponies said.

"...and her evil mutant sympathizers..."

"BOO!"

“...Well once again she is terrorizing the land of Equestria. Threatening us all.”

“GASP!” they all said.

The ponies stood there and waited, and waited some more, and waited yet a little bit longer for a response from C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A..

“So?” said Fluttershy. “Just what is the threat?”

“Or the mission?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“What is your security Clearance citizen?”

“Red.”

“I’m sorry but that information is unavailable for those with not the proper clearance.”

“But the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance?” asked Twilight Sparkle.

“Indeed.”

“And all the Ponies living here, their lives could be at stake?”

“Yeap.” C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. said cheerfully.

“But were not allowed to know due to not having the proper clearance.”

“That is correct citizen pony. Won't this be a lot of fun?”

“I swear!” yelled Applejack as she stood up. “If Twilight Sparkle becomes an Alicorn I'm leaving the group!”

“She’s already an alicorn.” said Rainbow Dash.

“What?”

“Yes been one for years.” said Rarity.

“Yes I have.” said Twilight Sparkle.

“Oh….never mind.” said Applejack sitting back down again.

"Now before I send you down To Research and Development for you neat new weapons." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A., "Our R&D team has cooked up something so new and exciting we just had to show you hear."

"Indeed friend computer." said the High programmer walking over to the tarp. What we have here is the next generation of cloned pony. I'd like to introduce you to your seventh member of your team, or as we call her FP389. ver. 2.8." He finished as he whipped the tarp off FP. Or would have had it not been eating the tarp as it was covered, resulting in some extra effort to get it off the next generation of clone and out of her mouth.

"GASP!" they all gasped. Reading the teleprompter next to the laser cannon.

It was pony shaped, at least. It was also pink, it was fluffy and it stared at the group with a blank expression. It went "Pbbbt." then fell on its face.

"My goodness you are certainly a bunch of lucky ponies to be getting the next generation of pony to field test." said C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. "Now that we got that out of the way, please head down to R&D for more new and exciting equipment you will be testing for this mission. C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. out."

"Hail C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A." they all said at once. Except for the fluffy pony who just went "Pbbt" as it laid with its face still on the ground.

"Will somebody get her." said Twilight Sparkle getting herself out of the chair. "We have to bring her with us. Pinky? Rainbow?"

"Fine." The two of them said as they started to push her out of the room and down the hallway, past the entertainers. To the pride of Troubleshooter HQ. The Research and Development room.

The R&D room was located just down the hall from the briefing room. It was a short walk, or would have been had they not had to move around the performers and stop to watch a magician pull a bit out of Twilight's ear. And dragging FP389 didn't help either. Finally after much straining and pulling they reached R&D. Quickly they were ushered inside, by a lowly infrared who directed them further in.

Inside was a huge dark auditorium filled with the many citizens of Ponyville, sitting down and waiting. At the end was a stage covered with a rich red velvet curtain. Their was a general hum of mild conversations going on as everyone waiting for it to get going. Twilight Sparkle and her team was led to their seats in the middle. They didn't have too long to wait as the lights grew darker still with spotlights flashing on to roam around the stage curtains as the speakers roared to life.

"MARES AND STALLIONS, FILLIES AND COLTS, LOYAL CITIZENS AND EVIL LUNA MUTANT...."

"BOO!"

"...SYMPATHIZERS! WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO ANOTHER EPISODE OF: 'WHAT DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTAL WEAPON WILL I USE ON MY ENEMIES!'"

The crowd roared to life with expectation as the spotlights focused on the middle of the stage. The Curtains rose up before them disappearing into the ceiling. As the Announcer continued on.

"AND HERE IS YOUR HOST OF IT ALL CCCCHHHEEESSSEEEE SSSSAAANNNNDDDWWWHHHHIIICCCHHHH! And that other pony."

Like the professional he was, he stepped out from the side of the stage as the crowd went wild. Dressed in a yellow jumpsuit, he was escorted by his co-host Trixie who was dressed in a luxurious blue gown. And by luxurious I meant awful. The designer had probably heard the term sex-appeal. But probably thought it was something that applied to clams. The dress was had curves and style, unfortunately not for ponies, or anyone who had more than one leg, or any leg, or was a different species, or had a head. But she wore it proudly anyway.

Overlapping the narration was Countess Coloratura's newest hit single: "HELP! HELP! C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. is making me sing songs and she wont let me stop! I'm tired and hungry! If you hear this please rescue me! I'll send you my location in the next single."

"Thank you! Thank you!" he said as he walked towards the center of the stage. "And give a hand for the great and beautiful Trixie as well."

The audience roared as the two host walked. Twilight and her group of troubleshooters yelled with the rest of the audience. Except for FP389 who held up a sign that said: 'GIVE ME YOUR FIRST BORN VAT-CHILD!'. And Fluttershy who also held a sign as well. Hers read: 'C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. 38:55'

"What does that even mean?" asked Pinkie Pie.

"I don't know but I seen ponies hold signs like this before and I didn't want to be left out."

"Now then. Let's welcome our first contestants. TWILIGHT SPARKLE AND HER GROUP OF TROUBLESHOOTERS COME ON DOWWWWWNNNNNNN!"

The group of troubleshooters jumped up and down in excitement as they headed towards the stage. The spotlight followed them making everything hard to see, making them stumble a lot to their destination. Getting close, they barely saw stairs extended outwards giving them the help they needed to get up. Clapping and Laughing they hugged Cheese Sandwich as he set them single file in a line from each other.

The stage lights grew brighter, finally able to see everything that was on it. They noticed more curtains at the end of it, Obscuring what was behind them.

"C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. has assigned you a dangerous mission for the sake of all of Equestria." said Cheese Sandwich. Shoving his mic into Twilight's face. "Isn't it true?"

"OOOO" the crowd OO'd on command. With prompting from Trixie.

"I'm sorry your security clearance doesn't allow divulging of information." she said automatically to disguise the fact she knew nothing of what she was actually doing."

"Spoken like a true troubleshooter." he said showing off his immaculate white teeth catching the spotlights in them, and permanently blinding the ponies in the first three rows. "Now before you go off and save us all in your extremely difficult and most definitely suicidal mission."

"Suicidal?" asked Rainbow Dash. "No one told us it was suicidal."

"Let's get you decked out in the latest and greatest equipment R&D can give to you." he continued, ignoring Rainbow Dash. "Or something we were just gonna throw away anyway. If you will just follow me please." Cheese Sandwich continued on as he lead them towards the rear of the stage towards the stage. "Here we have given you a choice. You see we have three curtains. Behind each curtain is a weapon of death and destruction towards your enemies..."

"Mostly us though." muttered Applejack.

"Ssshh!" hissed the others in her group.

"...Now which one will you get to pick? Curtain number one? Curtain number two? or Curtain number three?" he said with his limb extended pointing to the curtains. And his other shoving the mic into Twilight's face.

"Ummm..." she said Trying to drown out the help of the unhelpful audience. Most of them were shouting out to take and money and run. "Curtain number two I guess."

"A wise choice." he said while his smile stated otherwise. "Trixie can you show them what they chose."

Trixie swished her hips in an exaggerated manner, in what she thought was being sexy. As she pulled the curtain away to the side, opening it for all to see. Looking dragonish in shape with razor sharp spikes on top of it and a dragon face painted to look more like something that would be fun to have with you. Or at least by someone who really didn't know the definition of fun. Various weapons were attached to it, some with just tape and glue to make it more threatening, not realizing that the face alone was doing a good job. The words: "DEATH FROM C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A." was painted in front, and "FRIENDSHIP is MAGIC!" on the back, it hummed their quietly playing carnival song "It's a C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. World after All."

"IT'S YOUR VERY OWN FUNBOT!" said the announcer as the crowd went wild. "YES WITH OVER FIVE THOUSAND STRATEGIC VARIETIES OF WAYS TO KILL A PONY, ALONG WITH TEN THOUSAND JOKES EMBEDDED INTO HIS MEMORY CORE, AND TWO HUNDRED C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. APPROVED UPLIFTING BATTLE SONGS. THIS LITTLE MONSTROSITY ON WHEELS WILL NOT ONLY PROVIDE ADEQUATE SUPPORT FIRE ON ANY BATTLEFIELD, BUT ALSO HELP KEEP MORALS ON THE UP AND UP. AND HIS NAME IS SPIKE."

"Can we just shoot ourselves right now?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "It will be less painful."

"Now, now." replied Cheese Sandwich. "Self termination is punishable with termination. Thanks again for playing and good luck with your important and almost suicidal mission, you will definitely need it."

With that the group was hastily pushed by security out the side exit where they found themselves piled up on each other in a back alley behind Troubleshooter HQ.

"Want to hear a joke?" asked Spike.

"NOOO!" they screamed in unison. Except for FP389 who just went "PBBT!"

"What did the one E.L.M.S. say to the other?"

The troubleshooters glared at Spike as they tried to untangle themselves.

"Sorry that information is unavailable at your security clearance. HA! An classic but still a good one." It said laughing at its own humor. The shaking of its own body caused one of its own grenades to fall off and roll near the group. Hurriedly the troubleshooter fought with one another to get out of the pile they were in.

Their was a loud BOOM! then just silence and a smoking hole where they once were.

"Soo do we just wait here until the new clones come by?" he asked.

"PBBBBT pbbt pbbt PBBBBBT!" responded FP389.

"Okay then I'll wait here." Spike said. As it started to play 'Pop goes the Traitor."

Comments

[Mooncalf]

Absolutely hilarious. I think you've gone a great job of capturing the spirit of Paranoia. I'll definitely keep reading this.

Your grammar needs some polish, but practice is best for that, so keep up the good work.

[Opium4TmassS]

6791796
Thank you very much it means a lot.

[MrShmoodlePuffs]

I like this ^-^ Fluffle Puff is best pony Also this Spike is neat, being a death machine and all. And one that tells bad jokes. Trixie should have presented herselfas the great and powerful Trixie though xD I can hear it.

[Opium4TmassS]

6797142
C.E.L.E.S.T.I.A. feels what more is their to fear than a certified machine oF death that tells bad jokes.