I think You have improved a little bit. You did manage to put images in my head (and some pretty cool ones at that). The story line is really interesting, I have no complaints there. Some suggestions I would have is that you work on letting the dialogue flow a little bit better. In some places it seems to be a little forced or out of place, such as when Aldric suddenly starts shouting at Applejack. You could have built up to it instead of all of a sudden having him start screaming. But I Like how suddenly his temperment can change, it gives him an interesting character. Just keep it coming, this is a good story!!! I don't know why you have gotten so many down votes in proportion to the up votes. Some people are to critical. GET ME THAT NEXT CHAPTER SOON!!!!
to those of you who favorite this...please thumb it up too! the downvotes make me sad
I think You have improved a little bit. You did manage to put images in my head (and some pretty cool ones at that). The story line is really interesting, I have no complaints there. Some suggestions I would have is that you work on letting the dialogue flow a little bit better. In some places it seems to be a little forced or out of place, such as when Aldric suddenly starts shouting at Applejack. You could have built up to it instead of all of a sudden having him start screaming. But I Like how suddenly his temperment can change, it gives him an interesting character. Just keep it coming, this is a good story!!! I don't know why you have gotten so many down votes in proportion to the up votes. Some people are to critical. GET ME THAT NEXT CHAPTER SOON!!!!
723357 she blamed him for the fall and letting chaos kill foals thats why he suddenly started screaming :/ thank you btw moar coming up