"Omigoshomigoshomigosh!" Pinkie Pie bounced up and down around her kitchen as she clutched something close to her. She ignored the frosting and crumbs smeared on it, even as the mess transferred to her shirt.
Pinkie stopped spinning and held what appeared to be a large envelope in front of her. The golden stripe of gold at the top had alerted her to the special paper in the trash, and she had plucked it out without even thinking about it. When she opened it, though, she was surprised as to why it had been thrown away.
"We invite you to attend our campus opening..." The fancy script was hand written, obviously a personal invitation. And it was to her sister's dream college, no less! At first Pinkie frowned, confused as to why her sister had thrown it out. Had it been an accident?
But Maud wouldn't accidentally throw out something that special. Which had led to Pinkie wondering if that meant Maud didn't want to go.
But it had been Maud's dream for years. The college was known for its great archaeology and science programs, so it was little wonder why Maud wanted to go. So, naturally, Pinkie didn't understand why Maud had thrown it away. Even Maud, her showing-emotion-challenged sister, would have shown some kind of excitement at the offer. But instead the papers had been thrown away, and she hadn't said a word about it.
Pinkie rolled her eyes with a smile. Maybe her sister was embarrassed? Maybe she didn't want to make a big deal out of it?
This is enough to qualify for a party! Pinkie grinned to herself. A "Maud's so smart we need to celebrate" party! Maybe then she'll want to go!
"Pinkie." Her sister's calm voice down the hall made her jump, and Pinkie quickly shoved the papers up her shirt. She turned to her sister with a grin as the papers poked at her sides.
"Ooooh, heya Maud! What's up? Anything new going on?" She wiggled her eyebrows for effect. There was also the possibility Maud was waiting to tell her... Like a surprise!
Maud's eyes flickered to her sister's shirt, and then to her grin. As always she looked like she wanted to say something, but instead shook her head. She had developed a kind of intuition when it came to Pinkie on when asking a question would bring up more questions, not answer them.
"About to go to work. Stay out of trouble."
"Ay-ay, cap'n!" Pinkie giggled as Maud turned to leave. Once the older girl was gone, Pinkie turned her attention back to the papers in her shirt. Instead of taking them out (as a non-Pinkie person would do) she pulled open her collar and stared down at the papers.
She won't suspect a thing.
*********************************
The next day Pinkie told her friends the great news. They had all gathered inside Sugar Cube Corner. She grinned and gestured wildly as she told it, but her friends didn't look nearly as thrilled. Fluttershy looked about to cry, and Sunset looked scared. Her other friends' emotions were all over the place, and she felt a stab of fear herself at the thought of upsetting them.
"Wait, Pinkie," Rarity cut in, "If she started in the fall... You'd have to miss your senior year at Canterlot..."
"You'd have to move?!" Rainbow slammed down her smoothie, her eyes wide. "Pinks, have you really thought this through?"
Pinkie hesitated for a split second, but smiled at her friends. She had expected-hoped-for similar reactions. Ones telling her not to go. It felt good, to know her friends wanted her to stay, and she certainly didn't want to move, but she had already made up her mind.
"I know. I'm not just doing this all willy-nilly you know!" Some of her friends rolled their eyes, but she moved on. "I know I'd have to miss next year, and that'll be tough, but Maud would get to go to her dream school!"
"Can't she go next year?" Sunset's voice was uncertain, "I mean, you can finish here, and then you guys could move. If you have to move at all."
Pinkie gave her friend a smaller smile than her usual one. "The invitation was for this year, scholarship and all. I don't want her to have to take the risk of losing that." She turned to the others, "And besides! It would be fun to keep in touch, like pen pals! I can throw Skype parties!"
"Now wait just a minute," Applejack cut in, "Ya don't know fer sure that you're leaving yet. Maybe Maud doesn't want to go any more?"
"That's just silly! We just talked about it the other day! She wouldn't just change her mind like that." Pinkie crossed her arms, and her friends shared conflicted looks.
"But we'd miss you." Fluttershy whispered, and Pinkie's heart stuttered at the sight of her friend's watery eyes.
"Pinkie..." Sunset said slowly, "Have you considered Maud wants you to finish here?"
"Well, that's been the plan." Pinkie admitted. She watched as Rainbow wrapped an arm around Fluttershy, and her mind began to wander. Ever since she had moved in with Maud, Maud had promised that they would stay in one place so she could grow up in peace. "But that was before!"
"But what if she still wants to wait, for your sake? You can't just make her go to school!" Rainbow laughed at her own joke, but the others ignored her.
Something about that stuck with Pinkie, though. For your sake. Maud had already done so much for her sake. If that was true, then Pinkie wanted Maud to go even more than before.
It was bad enough that Maud had to save her from their parents. It wasn't like Pinkie could just expect her to drop everything for her, of course, but she didn't want Maud to think she could never do anything for herself. It had been the two of them for so long, but between being the younger sister and the more out going one, everything seemed to be about Pinkie.
As Pinkie considered this, a feeling of guilt rose in her stomach. She knew she hadn't done anything dramatic like ruin Maud's life, but there were plenty of times when she wondered if maybe Maud would have been better off had she never offered her help.
"Do you understand, Pinkie?" Pinkie snapped out of her thoughts and looked up as Rarity finished. She hadn't heard a word her friend had said, and sighed.
"I'll... Think about it." She grinned her biggest grin, though it almost pained her to do so, "But, let's just say we do have a party-!"
Her friends groaned.
Why can't I upvote this?
Interesting idea, I must say! Don't recall seeing anything like this before.
Unfortunately, I have to say that your story was hurt by the fact that most of it was essentially an exposition dump, especially in the second scene. Given the limited scenario, this is understandably difficult to avoid, however more scenes and/or more action happening would do this story an immense favor by breaking up the information and moving things forward. Slowing down the pacing would help too, as it would allow the reader to become immersed in the emotional atmosphere better. Take the time to describe the sensory details- they can go a long way in setting the mood, and describing the environment can even do some story telling in itself, reducing the narrative exposition even further.
A potential way to help spread the information would be to have the story be longer, and let their history come out over time and more naturally. Perhaps Pinkie finds the envelope, doesn't know how to react, so she shoves it back in the trash and pretends to have not seen anything. Over the next few days, she tries to pretend to be fine (and failing), but her friends quickly pick up on it. (Perhaps she's being quiet, isolating herself, grades are falling, getting lost in thought, etc). Her facade falls apart as she keeps escalating the situation in her mind, making herself feel worse and worse in a vicious cycle of thought until she finally cracks. After a near meltdown with her friends brought about by both the emotional strain she's putting on herself and the stress of keeping her feelings from Maud, she finally tearfully opens up to the Cakes. Taking up their suggestion to talk to Maud about it personally instead of hiding it, Pinkie talks to her that night (maybe skipping a party to do so?). They have a serious conversation/argument in which you can add in more exposition snippets, and resolve the conflict. By spreading the narrative out over time, it allows the conflict to evolve and the emotions to develop and sink in. You can also find more opportunities to slip in information about their history in less obtrusive ways.
Not at all to say I didn't like this- I did enjoy reading it! The history was very interesting, the Cakes as a support role was cool, and the very idea here is one with a lot of character exploration potential and can lead to complex conflicts. These are just some criticisms/suggestions to help make your writing even stronger. :) I'm not a writer myself, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of my criticisms; I'm just going by my experience as a reader.
6527958
I think you are up-voting, it just wasn't showing up since the voting hadn't hit the threshold yet. You should be able to see it now. :)
6528106 Thank you for the input! I really like the idea of spacing it out, but unfortunately I have too many chapter stories going right now, thus why this was reduced to a one-shot. Perhaps in the future I can redo it, but right now it's not likely to happen.
6528117 Ooooh, what is the threshold? it's got like, 10 votes now. And it's not 1 vote...so is it like 3 or 5 votes?
Weird. well thanks for clearing that up!
6528174
It's something new that got installed onto Fimfiction relatively recently. Basically, a story that has less than a certain number of votes will not show its rating (that way new stories have a chance, even if their first vote is a downvote). I think the threshold is around 7-10, but I can't say for certain.
You're welcome! It is a bit confusing without context, haha.
6528166
You're welcome! ^-^ I hope I didn't sound like I was dictating to you.
I know what you mean about having multiple projects, haha. *looks at pile of unfinished paintings*
6528209 Naw, I appreciate the feedback! In fact I saved a copy of your comment into the "new chapter" section so if I do return to this, it's there! :D
6528263
I'm glad I could be of any help, even if just with ideas!
6528174
6528204
The vote threshold is 10 votes total. Here's the relevant site post. Hope this helps.
6528302
Thanks! :D
Very sweet! Thumbs up!