Fun story so far! Aside from a few typos and the needless use of the word a**, I'm really enjoying it! Have a like and a favorite, sir or Madame! I will be watching this story closely.
P.S You might want to consider putting a comedy tag on this story. Just a suggestion.
Still, being that she was sixteen, she soaked up the attention. She felt bad about accepting all the gifts without giving him something
Still, being that she was sixteen, she soaked up the attention. However after a months of getting gifts she was starting to feel guilty about not giving Shining anything in return. I would expect Cadance to at times get annoyed with it. She's a teenager. Maybe you can make it that Cadance at first took advantage of him somewhat and Celestia disciplined her for that. It would help set-up for what's happening later as well as make Cadance seem more flawed. I kind of expect Cadance to have had a somewhat strict upbringing seeing how idealistic she is. Also ponies don't know about hands. You should replace that word with hooves. Also how does all of Shining's extreme doting impact his own life. I know it's from Cadance's POV but just a short mention of his parents being worried he's throwing away all of his allowance and getting into trouble for that would help. I would think Celestia wouldn't allow Shining to help Cadance with her homework. Cadance is a princess so she needs to solve the problems herself. That would make more sense of her behavior later.
"You're not my mother, Cadence. And, at least talk to me."
Is this said in a begging or irritated voice? I would think irritated though that second part makes little sense for that. He knows what the problem is so I would think he would try to justify it or complain that Cadance is just overreacting.
"I'm not talking until I've calmed down. I really don't want to hurt your feelings and if I say something, somepony's feelings are going to get hurt."
Cadance is angry so her sentences would be rather simple and to the point. They wouldn't be this complicated.
"I'm too angry to even speak right now."
I think something like: "Forget it! I'm too angry to even talk to you right now" sounds a lot more irritated.
After several minutes of fruitless tossing and turning she abandoned the attempt and headed for the gardens.
this needs to be a separate paragraph. Also detailing of her leaving would be better. Describe Cadance getting up and walking out.
Cadence had been horrified and more than a little aroused
I think you mean more that she is excited or charmed by it. Aroused just doesn't make any sense.
The very thought brought a familiar tingle to her loins
I think: The very thought made her heart flutter or something like that is better. You shouldn't make it like every single romantic excitement is automatically sexual.
'No body. We're supposed to be MAD at him remember?'
that was a little confusing, maybe this is better: 'No body!' Cadance said to herself shaking her head 'We're supposed to be MAD at him remember?'.
"Don't stand in the rain, Shiny, You'll catch a cold."
Cadance is still convincing herself she's angry so I would think she would right now have mixed feelings about seeing him.
Fun story so far! Aside from a few typos and the needless use of the word a**, I'm really enjoying it! Have a like and a favorite, sir or Madame! I will be watching this story closely.
P.S
You might want to consider putting a comedy tag on this story. Just a suggestion.
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Mr. Armor you are served .....
Spike how could you?!
It's part of his job, The Changling Queen remember?
Still, being that she was sixteen, she soaked up the attention. However after a months of getting gifts she was starting to feel guilty about not giving Shining anything in return.
I would expect Cadance to at times get annoyed with it. She's a teenager. Maybe you can make it that Cadance at first took advantage of him somewhat and Celestia disciplined her for that. It would help set-up for what's happening later as well as make Cadance seem more flawed. I kind of expect Cadance to have had a somewhat strict upbringing seeing how idealistic she is.
Also ponies don't know about hands. You should replace that word with hooves.
Also how does all of Shining's extreme doting impact his own life. I know it's from Cadance's POV but just a short mention of his parents being worried he's throwing away all of his allowance and getting into trouble for that would help.
I would think Celestia wouldn't allow Shining to help Cadance with her homework. Cadance is a princess so she needs to solve the problems herself. That would make more sense of her behavior later.
Is this said in a begging or irritated voice? I would think irritated though that second part makes little sense for that. He knows what the problem is so I would think he would try to justify it or complain that Cadance is just overreacting.
Cadance is angry so her sentences would be rather simple and to the point. They wouldn't be this complicated.
I think something like: "Forget it! I'm too angry to even talk to you right now" sounds a lot more irritated.
this needs to be a separate paragraph. Also detailing of her leaving would be better. Describe Cadance getting up and walking out.
I think you mean more that she is excited or charmed by it. Aroused just doesn't make any sense.
I think: The very thought made her heart flutter or something like that is better. You shouldn't make it like every single romantic excitement is automatically sexual.
that was a little confusing, maybe this is better: 'No body!' Cadance said to herself shaking her head 'We're supposed to be MAD at him remember?'.
Cadance is still convincing herself she's angry so I would think she would right now have mixed feelings about seeing him.