For Unofficial Use Only

by Vermilion and Sage

Safety Second

//FUUO//

The common pony lived for the weekend. After the standard forty-four-point-five hour work week, the money they’d slaved for was meant for making merry.

Sadly, for the Royal Guard, the weekend was only one day long. Sunday, after all, was dedicated to the Sun. Monday was celebrated with an extra-early muster to watch the moon at its zenith before the duty day began.

Saturday was the only day off the guards had, except on a three-day weekend. Well, it was actually a two-day weekend, but some sadistic staff officer kept calling them three day weekends, so the name stayed on the announcements posted on the bulletin boards in the barracks. Unofficially, such weekend were known as a ‘duece’.

Yes, there were plenty of giggles about dropping dueces on a duece.

On the Thursdays at the end of the duty day, every pony in armor would be eagerly anticipating the sweet long hours of freedom. No mopping floors, no berating by the jerk who’d been there for long enough to earn another chevron, and certainly no standing around like a gold-plated piece of palace furniture. Well, unless you were one of those suckers with weekend duty.

The end of the duty day always seemed to stretch out before the long weekend and there was a very good reason for that. Each platoon officer would gather his or her troops together for a ‘security speech’. During that time, the lieutenant would detail all of the possible dangers the troops might encounter out among the citizen-folk, and how to defend against those threats without the safety of a paperwork barricade.

Crescent Platoon had just received a new commander earlier that week. Lieutenant Yew Leaf was a hardy young earth pony buck ready to feel the weight of the world on his shoulders, in every possible way. It hadn’t taken long for his sergeant to realize that the new officer wore his armor after duty. There was a very simple fix to that too.

“Ten-HUT!” hollered Sergeant Garnet. Her voice boomed over the room, bringing all the rowdy discussions of bar-crawling and brothel-brawling to an end as Yew Leaf entered the room. She could have sworn his eyes went wide as the sight of twenty soldiers standing firm. One moment passed, then two, then Yew Leaf realized what he’d come for.

“At eeeeechh-HK!” Yew hacked and wheezed for several moments until the spit cleared his windpipe. “Ahem. At ease, guards.”

The room stayed silent, but twenty pairs of eyes followed as Yew Leaf pulled a scroll from his back and started to read from it.

“First things first, let me say how glad I am that we’re a family now. I couldn’t have asked for command of a finer group of ponies! Now, let’s see....I’m supposed to make sure you all get a proper security speech. I know all of you will be very safe over the weekend, but I want to make sure absolutely nothing happens to my favorite ponies on this planet.

“First of all, command staff has noted an increase in small herds of mares grabbing up guard stallions and carrying them off for ‘fun times’. We usually get them back afterwards, but oftentimes the armor is missing. I just want to let everypony know that this doesn’t count as a PT session, and you will be charged for any missing armor. Make sure to take a buddy with you everywhere to avoid such situations.

“Next, remember that changelings are always out there. I want to promise all of you that I will not be at any bars this weekend, or ever, so if you see me there, especially female members, that you seize the changeling masquerading as Royal Guard officer. Every successful changeling capture is worth a day off duty. Sergeant Hardplot in Autumn Platoon currently has the record at thirty-seven, so let’s try to get Cresent Platoon to the top!”

“Lastly, I know that drinking is fun, but safety comes first! I want you to all promise right now to me that you won’t have more than two drinks at any one time while you’re out this weekend.”

Silence reigned in the room, so strong that the hoofsteps from the next floor up through a solid two meters of stone echoed in the meeting space.

“Well, you don’t get to leave for your weekend until I get that promise.”

A chorus of groans and sarcastic voices chimed in, promising that every last word was a hooves-behind-the-back subversion of the rules.

“We promise, LT!”

“Excellent!” beamed Yew Leaf. “You all have a great weekend now, and make sure to be there early for Sunday Sun worship!”

Everypony groaned again, until Garnet cut them off.

“LT, I’ve got something for you.” She held up the small package wrapped in brown paper that Stonewall had been holding during the speech. “The platoon pooled some bits to buy you a welcome present!”

Eyes watery with joy, Yew Leaf trotted forward to take the package, which soon lay in shreds as he ripped it with his teeth. A small cloak woven from brown cloth lay in his hooves as the scraps of paper floated to the floor.

“What’s this, sergeant?”

“It’s a cloak, sir. It’s a kind of civilian clothing..”

Yew Leaf stared at the cloak for a few moments before blushing at the laughter blossoming throughout the room. “Dismissed! All of you are dismissed! Stay safe this weekend!”

Guards filed out the door, leaving their commander working his jaw silently while he stared at his new cloak, thinking about how handsome he’d look wearing it over his armor.

//FUUO//

Author's Note:

I wanted to make something involving the 5 D's by Gruntworks. Sadly, I don't have the grit of a platoon sergeant, and there are too many people around here who would get rump-rustled.

Anyways, stay safe, or I'll mess you up when you get back to work.