On a lonely night, Luna meets a strange creature that calls itself a "human", then she follows him without knowing what kind of surprises the destiny had in store for her.
“Do you think that there could be a relation between our worlds?
Missing a ” there.
Luna asked a couple of sandwiches and Jack was ready to oblige.
Talking sandwiches!
"I'm curious to know what do you here on your planet; this place looks pretty expensive, like a luxury apartment in Manehattan."
Better: "I'm curious to know what you do here in your world; this place looks pretty expensive, like a luxury apartment in Manehattan."
"Well, indeed it is, but my job allows me to pay for it.”
1. " and ” for the same sentence. Watch out for that. It happens more often than you'd think. 2. He doesn't stumble over the name "Manehattan". He isn't curious or concentrated on what she says, is he?
He said with a smile on his face. Luna stood perplexed by his words; did he really said that he was glad of having her in his life? Did he really mean it? She decided to keep those questions for her and just returned the smile.
I would feel uncomfortable now if I were Luna.
“I love this book, this Sherlock Holmes sure is special man, the mystery, the intrigue, I can’t wait to see what will happen next.”
???
however, Luna stop him.
You would use the past here, wouldn't you?
"Listen, you don’t have to thank me, is the least I can do, you are my friend, and friends help each other, even in their darkest days.”
1. If you keep up messing " and ” up, I'll scream "EXTERMINATE!" the next time I find such an error... 2. "it is the least I can do" would be correct... wouldn't it?
“I know that this place seems big [...]. For now, you will have to stay here."
EXTERMINATE! I told you...
I apologise for this comment, I am not even a native speaker but write such crappy comments about language and grammar and stuff...
EDIT: Oh, I forgot. 6070185 He is right. Watch out for clichés.
6070185 Hey, this kind of comments is what I need, that will help me to get better on my wrinting skills, I thank you for that. I can't promise that this story will free out of cliches, but I'll try to keep them at bay.
6070872 You made my night with the one of the talking sandwiches . I'm not a native of the language either, that's why I still have some issues as you have notice, my dear friend. That's why I would like you to be my proofreader or editor, what do you say?
6191670 I am sorry if it sounded like I am bitching. I was, and am, just hoping. I do not want to influence you (at least not this time, it is your story after all and you didn't ask for advice yet ).
And about writing: I can't keep myself concentrated long enough to finish my projects. One of them is a MLP-fan-fiction, one an Arma-2-MLP-mod... I could list more. So, technically, I have already begun my fan-fiction, but I fear I have to rewrite it from scratch because I don't like how it plays out and I don't like the current setting.
“To tell you the truth, by the few things you have told me, Equestria shares many things with earth, however, even the older books from the library don’t have something about your world or about your race, what was it called? Hum… humungus?”
This interest me I will se what will come next
6067952 Glad you like it and thanks for the fave
Missing a ” there.
Talking sandwiches!
Better: "I'm curious to know what you do here in your world; this place looks pretty expensive, like a luxury apartment in Manehattan."
1. " and ” for the same sentence. Watch out for that. It happens more often than you'd think.
2. He doesn't stumble over the name "Manehattan". He isn't curious or concentrated on what she says, is he?
I would feel uncomfortable now if I were Luna.
???
You would use the past here, wouldn't you?
1. If you keep up messing " and ” up, I'll scream "EXTERMINATE!" the next time I find such an error...
2. "it is the least I can do" would be correct... wouldn't it?
EXTERMINATE!
I told you...
I apologise for this comment, I am not even a native speaker but write such crappy comments about language and grammar and stuff...
EDIT: Oh, I forgot. 6070185 He is right. Watch out for clichés.
6070185 Hey, this kind of comments is what I need, that will help me to get better on my wrinting skills, I thank you for that. I can't promise that this story will free out of cliches, but I'll try to keep them at bay.
6070872 You made my night with the one of the talking sandwiches . I'm not a native of the language either, that's why I still have some issues as you have notice, my dear friend. That's why I would like you to be my proofreader or editor, what do you say?
P.S. vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/theamazingworldofgumball/images/0/08/Dalek_exterminate.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20121115000118
6191670 I am sorry if it sounded like I am bitching. I was, and am, just hoping. I do not want to influence you (at least not this time, it is your story after all and you didn't ask for advice yet ).
And about writing: I can't keep myself concentrated long enough to finish my projects. One of them is a MLP-fan-fiction, one an Arma-2-MLP-mod... I could list more. So, technically, I have already begun my fan-fiction, but I fear I have to rewrite it from scratch because I don't like how it plays out and I don't like the current setting.
I like this story,please do more chapters
Now listen, my name is Hugh...Mungus.